Simply not simple

So I seem to be repeating myself a lot lately. What i keep saying is “whats simple for you isnt simplr for me” As frustrating as it is, its kinda funny too. People can’t understand why I have panic attacks and why my anxiety is so dibilitating. Because its not a tangable didability im treated like its not that bad. I have actually had friends tell me to shake it off, ir snap out of it. Everyone expects answers from me and my response is if I knew what the cause was or had any clue on how to fix me, I would be fixing myself LOL.
   I just want everyone to realize that I struggle daily. It is real and so not easy. I’m not giving up I have faith I will get through it. I know I will survive. Some days are harder than others but, the biggest issue for me is, when people have a hard time accepting that what they consider to be a simple task is not a simple task for me. Just making a phone call sometimes is too much. It is what it is…
I found these lyrics on line and thought they summed up my whole mood. ENJOY. 

LYRICS to Its Not Easy

By Five For Fighting

    I can’t stand to fly I’m not that naive I’m just out to find The better part of me

I’m more than a bird…I’m more than a plane More than some pretty face beside a train It’s not easy to be me

Wish that I could cry Fall upon my knees Find a way to lie About a home I’ll never see

It may sound absurd…but don’t be naive Even Heroes have the right to bleed I may be disturbed…but won’t you concede Even Heroes have the right to dream It’s not easy to be me

Up, up and away…away from me It’s all right…You can all sleep sound tonight I’m not crazy…or anything…

I can’t stand to fly I’m not that naive Men weren’t meant to ride With clouds between their knees

I’m only a man in a silly red sheet Digging for kryptonite on this one way street Only a man in a funny red sheet Looking for special things inside of me

It’s not easy to be me.

Dr. Seuss knew all along…

Dr. Seuss Wooden Nickel (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

“We are all a little weird and Life’s a little weird..”

 ― Dr. Seuss

“Being crazy isn’t enough.”

― Dr. Seuss

“Why fit in when you were born to stand out?” 

― Dr. Seuss

“Today you are You, that is truer than true. There is no one alive who is Youer than You.” 

― Dr. Seuss

“You’ll miss the best things if you keep your eyes shut.”

― Dr. Seuss

 

                                                                                                                         

 

How wonderful it is, that I am never going to be anything but me. You will never be anything but you. What a blessing. No two people are the same. Life is a collection of moments unique to the individual. Embedded in our memories and kept alive in the memories of others. Our life is real because of our experiences. I am where I am because of where I have been. You are where you are because of  where you have been. Nobody really “fits in”. Everyone is longing for a meaning.

Some of the most talented people were viewed as insane. How boring our existence would be without all the so called “Crazies” The truth is if you dig deep enough, you will discover there is crazy in all of us.

Embrace uncertainties. Welcome the chaos. Learn a lesson. Take a chance and enjoy the ride. Create those everlasting memories. Your life is yours to live, so be yourself and Just live it.

~ You know nothing ~

end of life...! (Photo credit: { pranav })

You are being fooled.

 

Everything is not as it seems.

 

Such a pretty picture that has been painted just for you. You will never know how ugly it really is.

 

You think You know. There is so much you don’t.  All you know is what you have been shown.

 

What happened to happily ever after?

 

I believed.

 

It never existed.

 

There is no way out. Forever stuck. Trapped. A prisoner hidden behind lies.

 

You can scream and cry to be rescued nobody will listen.

 

There are no heroes coming for you.

 

Why wont you see? Why wont you listen? How can you do nothing?

 

I understand its easier to play along.  Its OK.

 

You just continue to pretend you never knew.

 

Its too late now.

 

Time has run out.

This life is ending.

 

~ The End ~

SO no more pretending life isn’t falling apart. Tomorrow is the deadline. No rent no home. You will not believe the things I have done, the situations I have found myself in, or even what I have considered trying to get money either. Some legal, others not so much. When it is a matter of your children not having a home, you will do things you never imagined you could do to prevent it. No time for morals in such desperate times.
It doesn’t matter, I don’t have the money. I literally got fucked and for what? to end up on the streets any ways? I am so damn depressed. As much as I hated being at the hospital I am seriously considering going back. I don’t think it was as bad as everything is now. I’m starting to think all I am good for is hurt. Whether its me that’s hurting or its the people I am around. I cause pain to everyone around me so they should lock me up and forget about me.
I have been in bed for I don’t know how many days now. I’m trying to sleep myself to death. Its not working. I’m done with myself I have fucked up too many times I can finally see it for what it is…. The End

~Less negativity~

Nail polishes (Photo credit: The Style PA)

I have been wasting way to much time and energy, blogging about and even obsessing all day, over  the negative stuff in my life. Oblivious to the fact there is still plenty of good things  in my life. My blog has become quite depressing, and not a really what my life is all about. So I hope this list can change the current vibe.

 Some of The Good Things:

  * Re-connecting with people who understand.
Thanks to Facebook, I have re-connected with someone who might not even know how influential they have been, or how appreciative I am to know them. This person was available to listen when I really needed someone to listen. Having someone to listen, and not judge you, really can make all the difference.
 *My dads
I don’t always do a good job expressing my appreciation. I really suck at apologizing. Its not because I don’t want to, more like just an ” I’m sorry ” isn’t good enough. God knows they have been put through some pretty heavy shit thanks to me lol. It has not changed the fact that they will always love me. They will always be there for me.
 * My kids
They are constantly amazing me. I dont know how I helped create 3 of the worlds greatest people, but I have. If you know my kids, then you know this is true. All 3 of them have a way of cheering me up without even trying. They all have their own special ways of doing things. They never fail to make me smile.
* My husband
He is capable of comforting me like nobody else can, I know he always  and always will love me. When I am with him I am safe, especially when he wraps his arms around me. When I lay with my head on his chest, there is no place I would rather be. I wish I could freeze time and stay in that moment, with him, forever.
*My Sister
Although she is younger, nobody could tell, she has always been the more responsible one. She has bailed me out of many, many situations. She has always been dependable and supportive. If I go to battle she always has my side, even if I am clearly the one in the wrong.
*chocolate
What more do I need to say about chocolate?
* Red nail polish
Nothing is sexier than some bright red nail polish. When feeling less than  attractive just slap on some red nail polish and watch how quickly that changes.
* Sex
Much like chocolate nothing more needs to be said.
* the color pink
Easily accommodates every mood. From girly and sweet with pastels to the more exciting brighter shades, can even feel naughty when paired with something black.
* my dog
I adopted her off of craigslist. Such a cute but  hyper little thing.  She is half chihuahua  half Pomeranian.She can be very moody, like me so naturally we bonded instantly lol.
* ativan
Many days I could not have survived with out it. My happy pills.
*Memories
Because there are a lot of good ones.
*flip flops
So much fun, comfy, and cute.
*Short shorts
Because my legs are hot!
*sunshine
Summertime, adventures, plus people wear a lot less clothes lol
*laughter
You can never have enough its value is way under appreciated .
*Hugs and kisses and cuddling.
All the little reminders that you are loved.
*my IPhone
Even though It has no phone service currently, I am able to blog from anywhere.
*Mascara, Hair straightener, and chap stick.
A few things I could not live without.
* Nike’s
My favorite only because  they are the cutest tennis shoes ever. 
* Pixie Stix
For all the sugary goodness, and more reasons.. sorry folks I will be keeping those all to myself… Lol
* Pepsi
It is my favorite soda, and from what I have been told… “It’s what crazy people drink” ** fitting in my circumstances lol

Thats enough for now. I will more than likely add more stuff as I remember it.

~What I put up with..~

emotion icon Photo credit: Łukasz Strachanowski

How can i feel so much frustration towards him and be so in love at the same time. He can be so fucking irritating. Its as if he goes out of his way to annoy me or pick a fight. It’s ridiculous what all I put up with being married to him. Its never too much though because I continue taking it smiling the whole time.
Granted I have been under an unusual amount of stress lately. It hasn’t helped anything knowing that my meds need some serious adjusting.
All things considered, I might be feeling things too intensely. Its possible I am making it worse than it needs to be. I have been having some major mood swings, even I can see that.
Neither one of us know how to handle our current circumstances. I just can’t understand why we have to be at each others throats all the time. Shouldn’t we be a team? Try to work together? Nope. Not us. That would be the right thing to do and we never do things the right way. We have to learn the hard way.
We both have a hard time processing stress. I freak out, get so emotional and have a panic attack resulting in the need for Ativan aka my happy pills. His method to cope is drinking. Whatever he can get to drown out his problems. He wants to be numb and not have to feel any emotion. Showing emotion, to him, is some sort of character defect. It’s the same as telling everyone you are weak. It’s just not acceptable for him.
It didn’t take long for him to revert back to his old self. All his old habits are creeping back around. He went from being so patient and understanding to “I don’t give a shit and your just crazy”
He is back to drinking and trying to lie about it. Like its not completely obvious he’s stumbling around. Not to mention he slurs his words and nods out. Plus you can smell it on him. He insists he has no problem yet still feels the need to lie about it. So why is that?
I hate fighting with him and that seems to be all we ever do anymore. It’s so exhausting. I don’t even know how I’m supposed to react anymore. Everything winds up being my fault anyways. There is no accountability for him.
When did he become the one in control anyways? I used to be the one in control. Or at the very I wasn’t afraid of defending myself.
I used to think I was so much better than him. That no way he could ever get with anyone else. I thought I was the best thing that ever happened to him. I used to tell people I wasn’t afraid of him fucking around regardless of how many times i did it to him. I was the only one dumb enough to sleep with him.
Well he finally had enough if me fucking whoever I wanted while he waited for me to come home. When we broke up this last time he fucked 2 people. Even though I am way Better than the 2 people he slept with. (one of them was a toothless crack head and the other one had the worlds fattest ass. You have to be careful not to get too close or it will suck you in, and nobody would ever see you again.) That showed me huh? Now that he has been with other people I am not so sure of myself.
I’m scared of pissing him off and pushing him away. So now I pretty much do whatever he says. He is becoming quite controlling. He doesn’t like me talking to certain people. He complains I never leave the house then gets mad when I do. He plays it off like he’s looking out for me and just wants to protect me.
Even though he says he trusts me and insists he has forgiven me. His behavior says otherwise. When he drinks enough it’s a whole different story. He holds nothing back. I hear all about how big of a slut I am… And never mind my feelings, according to him all I care about is fucking. He accuses me of wanting to sleep with every guy we know.
He always finds a way of bringing up how I tried to kill myself. He tells me how hard it was for him, how he can’t forget the image of me swallowing all those pulls. He says that the look that I had on my face haunts him. He says that his worst fear is me taking my life.
There are a few major fucked up things that have happened over the years. We remeHe never has any memories of the times he has clearly been in the wrong. We have opposite memories of what happened that day. I distinctly remember him pushing me outside and locking the door telling me I can’t die in his house. When I was in the hospital I wanted nothing more than for him to come comfort me. I needed him and he basically told me to fuck off. According to him he was the concerned husband and he didn’t come to the hospital because he was too scared to see me like that.
Is he just pretending to love me? Is he really afraid I will do something stupid if he actually leaves me?
It makes me wonder if he regrets getting back together and trying to work out our problems. He has told me that he enjoyed his freedom and not having to answer to anyone but himself while we were separated.
Sometimes the way he looks at me or even talks to me, even just the tone of his voice, makes me question his motives for reconciliation in the first place.
No matter what happens. I will never leave him again. I know without a doubt I am in love with him. I want to spend the rest of my life with him. He will have to be the one to end it and the thought of him doing that is absolutely horrifying. You better believe I’m not going out without a fight. FYI: When I want something bad enough I will get it.