Life today

Life is not predicable wheresoever…. For some this may seem like common sense, not for me. Lol I am an expert at learning things the hard way, and for myself through petsonal hardships, regardless of the many warnings from others and the many lectures frim loved ones it never prevented me from fucking up on my own/ learning my own lesson. So here I am almost 30 and realizing I can not predict the future and am in control if a lot less than I believed to be in control of. For the record life is looking good. Lol

One day at a time

So I finally started treatment 1 on 1 sessions, my anxiety is extreemly greatful. I attended an all womens 12 step meeting by myself and.introduced my self. ( for those.that dont know me… Its a pretty big fucking deal!) My anxiety has caused major obstacles in my recovery. Im at 31 days clean today. Yay me!!. I Have a Sponser with 22 years clean, which to me is a damn miracle.
So now im no longer In denial about my disease, I am willing and open even eager to start living a sober life, and really live.
Im struggling with trust and oppening up completely. ” life on lifes terms” scares the hell out of me. I am having a hard time relying on my higher power for guidence. I still find myself trying ti control and destroy my progress.
I have been building a sober peer.support group so I have people I can call or see when things become too much. I am greatful for Na and everyone who has adsisted in showing me how to get helo.

Ramblings of an Insomniac lol

Been a while since I couldn’t sleep. Im not sure if its the coffee, or my mind just not wanting to turn off. So much is going on in my life right now, its hard to stay focused. I seen my dad today, which was nice, considering not to long ago he told me never to call or text him again. He was upset because our last phone conversation ended with me hanging up in him. He said something that was really hurtful and I just didnt want to hear any more. He wasnt intending to hurt me thats just how I took it. I have been overly emotional lately and am having a rough time trusting people. Even people who have never given me a reason not to trust them, people who have always loved and supported me. I dont know what my issue is. Im going to marriage counseling and my husband finally went to the doctor and is getting in meds our relationship is getting better so thats good. I started attending a parentung class with a bunch of women in similar situations, which allows an extra visitation with my kids. Super excited about that. I start treatment next week, not sure what to expect but more than willing to go. I just want this nightmare to be over. I miss my kids, I want to tell them im sorry that I have caused so much chaos in their life and want them to know they dont deserve it and its not their fault. Im so greatful my family has my kids and the state did not place them with strangers. My sister is a saint. She has 2 kids and took in my 3 kids. She now has 5 kids my 3 are age 10, 8, & 6, hers are 3 & 6. No questuons asked she wouldnt have it any other way. My dads have been making a 2 hour drive frim their home to hers rather frequently to help out as much as possible. It makes it easier to do what I need to do to recover and stay sober knowing my kids ate safe. I have heard so many horror stories about foster care, so its very reassuring im doing the right thing. It took me a while to come to terms with the fact that I cant care for my kids, without taking care of myself first. Im worried about my dad Im afraid hes not telling Me something, not sure exactly what or why but somethings off with him for sure. Im finally getting sleepy so thats it for this post. Good night readers lol.

Grateful

Happy to report my husband is back to being the super sweet sexy man I fell in love with. I love being married and having someone by side when things get hard. Our youngest kid has been having really bad tummy aches I have been to the emergency room twice and his pediatrician 3 timil all. This was definitely one of those moments I was happy to be married. Its scarry for me to have blood drawn. For a 6 year old its a whole new level of scary. We tried explaining to him what  was going to happen and why it was important. We told him they needed to take some blood so they could do some tests and try to find out what was giving him tummy aches. He asked what they used to get the blood, I said they had a special thing they used.
My husband had our son on his lap holding him while a nurse held his arm down so the phlebotomist could draw his blood. I was trying to distract him so he wouldn’t look, but it didn’t work.
The minute he saw the needle he screamed and kicked he screamed ” ahh its a needle they’re going to kill me” his dad had to calm him down and tell him thats not going to happen. I was freaked out and pretty much useless.
After it was over our son asked if they were going to give him his blood back after they did their tests. He’s so cute.
I’m still laughing.

~ Survey About Simply Me….

Long Distance Relationships

Long Distance Relationships Photo credit: valordictus

Sleep with or without clothes on?

   Without

Prefer black or blue pens?

  Black

Dress up on Halloween?

 Occasionally

Like to travel?

 Absolutely

Like Someone?

 Yes

Do they know?

   I would hope so lol

Who sleeps with you every night?

 Husband and my dog

Think you’re attractive?

  Not so much

Want to get married?

  already have

To:

 My husband

Are you a good student?

 Not in highschool

Are you currently happy?

  Depends on the day

Have you ever cheated?? Been cheated on?

 Yes and Yes

Birthplace?

 Eugene Oregon

Christmas or Halloween?

 Halloween (its my daughter’s birthday)

Colored or black-and-white photo?

  black and white

Do long distance relationships work?

 No

Do you believe in astrology?

 Yes

Do you believe in love at first sight?

  Rare I’m sure

Do you consider yourself the life of the party?

 No quite the opposite

Do you drink?

  Not these days I hate drunks!

Do you make fun of people?

 Sad to say I have

Do you think dreams eventually come true?

 If you work hard enough

Favorite fictional character?

 Tinkerbell

Go to the movies or rent?

 Rent

Have you ever moved?

   Too often

Have you ever stolen anything?

 Yep I wasnt the best teenager lol

How’s the weather right now?

  Cold

Last time you cut your hair?

 about a year ago

Last person you talked to on the phone?

  my sister

Last time you showered?

  this am

Loud or soft music?

  Loud

Mcdonalds or Burger King?

  Mcdonalds

Night or day?

 Night

Number of pillows?

  3

Piano or guitar?

 Guitar

Future job?

 Idk

Current job?

 none

Current love?

   My husband

Current longing?

  to be normal

Current disappointment?

  my husbands behavior

Current annoyance?

  my husbands behavior

Last thing you ate?

 crunch berry cereal

Last thing you bought?

 milk

Most recent thing you are looking forward to?

  sleep

What are you hearing right now?

 kids

Plans for the weekend?

 staying home

What did you do today?

  cleaned the kitchen

Pick a lyric, any lyric or song?

 You know that Im a crazy bitch?…I do what I want when I feel like it…. All I want to do is loose control…. Oh,oh  But you dont really give a shit.. You go with it, go with it, go with it…. ’cause your fucking crazy… rock’n’ roll

 

~ The way we once were ~

childhood memory

childhood memory (Photo credit: AlicePopkorn)

One of my friends, actually my best friend at the time, from when I was a teenager has been talking to me on Facebook. Kinda strange catching up after all these years. I can’t believe I can say I knew her 10 years ago. Really? We got old fast. It doesn’t feel like 10 years have gone by. In fact it feels like we were just hanging out. I can clearly remember riding the busses all over portland. Loitering down town. Hooking up with complete losers. Waterfront. Saturday Market. Party’s. Everything was an adventure. Life never lacked excitement. We always found trouble to get in to. When did it stop? Why?
I remember the reason we stopped hanging out, she hated that I had a boyfriend. He took up too much of my time, so I couldn’t run around with her. We got into a huge fight down town Portland telling anyone who would listen every dirty little secret we knew about each other. (girls are damn vicious, we are in it to kill) Then we just stopped talking. We both moved away. Didn’t matter to either of us to stay in contact. I’m pretty sure we hated each other.
Even though we were not friends anymore, we had mutual friends. So every once in a while I would hear what or who she was doing. It took her a while to settle down. I got married and had kids with that boy friend she didn’t like so much. She started stripping, and hitting the drug scene a lot harder than we did together. I seriously thought she was so into that lifestyle, she wouldn’t be able to stop. I expected it to kill her.
Well she got married about 3 years ago, and she just became a mom. She had a hard time getting pregnant. They were trying ever since they got married nothing worked. Then when they were about to give up they decided to try in vitro and it worked. She is now a mom of twins. A boy and a girl.
Most couples want one of each, and a lot of people keep trying until they get both. Kinda nice she got both at once. It makes the wait worth it.
I have a lot of mixed emotions about seeing her. I mean we both have changed so much from the time we knew each other. She is really excited about being a mom and wants to show off the babies, which I get. It’s the best thing in the world becoming a parent. I just don’t know her anymore. She doesn’t know me either so it just feels strange. We are not the same people we once were…., Plus it brings back a lot of anxiety inducing memories lol

~ Sorry Boys.. Girls have it better! ~

Deutsch: Symbol der Frauenpower (Geballte Faus...

Deutsch: Symbol der Frauenpower (Geballte Faust in Venus-Zeichen). English: Woman-power symbol (clenched fist in Venus sign). עברית: כוח נשים (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Well my husband and I have this little contest, we both created profiles on an online date site as a joke. We are not seriously talking to anyone, and let the people who contact us know we are just there for laughs. Anyways.. The contest is to see who gets the most attention, and who is worth more. There is a thing on there where you can, with their fake money, buy pets and people can buy you as a pet every time you are passed around your value increases.
I am kicking his ass! By a lot. My email is flooded with messages and friends requests, plus my value is over 7,000,000,000,000 and his is a mere 19,000,000. I totally rub it in his face too lol. Now he wants to delete the accounts. Even though I agree we should, part of me really likes the attention. There is just something about an extremely hot guy telling me I’m sexy. Major confidence booster. Some of these guys are pretty pathetic though, one guy actually messaged me and told me what he wanted to do to me. My response was “I don’t think my husbands going to let that happen” well he never wrote back. Lol
All of this attention, as fake as it is, has made me think Girls have it so much better. With hardly any effort put out we can find someone, where guys seem to have to really put some effort in to it. Idk. I’m sure there’s a lot more to it.
Another reason why girls got it better..
We can be anything from innocent sweet submissive to naughty tough and dominate and guys will find us sexy regardless. I don’t think it’s the same for men, I mean who really finds the “nice guy” sexy? Not me, and none of my female friends either. We might say we want a nice guy, usually just to piss off the guy we are with, because he is being an ass for whatever reason. Hell we might even date a “nice guy” but i can promise you, in the bedroom she is pretending you are anything but nice.
Bad boys have always been hot. They always will be. You know they are not afraid to fight, and that’s pretty hot. Men are supposed to be strong, take charge, and not afraid to get dirty. They are supposed to be our protectors, and make us feel safe. That’s what makes them sexy.
I never have to question my safety with my husband. He has recently proven how far he would go to keep me safe. I am damn lucky! If he wasn’t able to fend someone off he would even willingly get his ass kicked to keep me and the kids safe. That’s love lol. Plus being a girl, it’s nothing I have to reciprocate he doesn’t expect me to fight for him. I would so much rather paint my nails…
Ya us girls defiantly have it better.

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