Life today

Life is not predicable wheresoever…. For some this may seem like common sense, not for me. Lol I am an expert at learning things the hard way, and for myself through petsonal hardships, regardless of the many warnings from others and the many lectures frim loved ones it never prevented me from fucking up on my own/ learning my own lesson. So here I am almost 30 and realizing I can not predict the future and am in control if a lot less than I believed to be in control of. For the record life is looking good. Lol

One day at a time

So I finally started treatment 1 on 1 sessions, my anxiety is extreemly greatful. I attended an all womens 12 step meeting by myself and.introduced my self. ( for those.that dont know me… Its a pretty big fucking deal!) My anxiety has caused major obstacles in my recovery. Im at 31 days clean today. Yay me!!. I Have a Sponser with 22 years clean, which to me is a damn miracle.
So now im no longer In denial about my disease, I am willing and open even eager to start living a sober life, and really live.
Im struggling with trust and oppening up completely. ” life on lifes terms” scares the hell out of me. I am having a hard time relying on my higher power for guidence. I still find myself trying ti control and destroy my progress.
I have been building a sober peer.support group so I have people I can call or see when things become too much. I am greatful for Na and everyone who has adsisted in showing me how to get helo.

Ramblings of an Insomniac lol

Been a while since I couldn’t sleep. Im not sure if its the coffee, or my mind just not wanting to turn off. So much is going on in my life right now, its hard to stay focused. I seen my dad today, which was nice, considering not to long ago he told me never to call or text him again. He was upset because our last phone conversation ended with me hanging up in him. He said something that was really hurtful and I just didnt want to hear any more. He wasnt intending to hurt me thats just how I took it. I have been overly emotional lately and am having a rough time trusting people. Even people who have never given me a reason not to trust them, people who have always loved and supported me. I dont know what my issue is. Im going to marriage counseling and my husband finally went to the doctor and is getting in meds our relationship is getting better so thats good. I started attending a parentung class with a bunch of women in similar situations, which allows an extra visitation with my kids. Super excited about that. I start treatment next week, not sure what to expect but more than willing to go. I just want this nightmare to be over. I miss my kids, I want to tell them im sorry that I have caused so much chaos in their life and want them to know they dont deserve it and its not their fault. Im so greatful my family has my kids and the state did not place them with strangers. My sister is a saint. She has 2 kids and took in my 3 kids. She now has 5 kids my 3 are age 10, 8, & 6, hers are 3 & 6. No questuons asked she wouldnt have it any other way. My dads have been making a 2 hour drive frim their home to hers rather frequently to help out as much as possible. It makes it easier to do what I need to do to recover and stay sober knowing my kids ate safe. I have heard so many horror stories about foster care, so its very reassuring im doing the right thing. It took me a while to come to terms with the fact that I cant care for my kids, without taking care of myself first. Im worried about my dad Im afraid hes not telling Me something, not sure exactly what or why but somethings off with him for sure. Im finally getting sleepy so thats it for this post. Good night readers lol.

Grateful

Happy to report my husband is back to being the super sweet sexy man I fell in love with. I love being married and having someone by side when things get hard. Our youngest kid has been having really bad tummy aches I have been to the emergency room twice and his pediatrician 3 timil all. This was definitely one of those moments I was happy to be married. Its scarry for me to have blood drawn. For a 6 year old its a whole new level of scary. We tried explaining to him what  was going to happen and why it was important. We told him they needed to take some blood so they could do some tests and try to find out what was giving him tummy aches. He asked what they used to get the blood, I said they had a special thing they used.
My husband had our son on his lap holding him while a nurse held his arm down so the phlebotomist could draw his blood. I was trying to distract him so he wouldn’t look, but it didn’t work.
The minute he saw the needle he screamed and kicked he screamed ” ahh its a needle they’re going to kill me” his dad had to calm him down and tell him thats not going to happen. I was freaked out and pretty much useless.
After it was over our son asked if they were going to give him his blood back after they did their tests. He’s so cute.
I’m still laughing.

~ Survey About Simply Me….

Long Distance Relationships

Long Distance Relationships Photo credit: valordictus

Sleep with or without clothes on?

   Without

Prefer black or blue pens?

  Black

Dress up on Halloween?

 Occasionally

Like to travel?

 Absolutely

Like Someone?

 Yes

Do they know?

   I would hope so lol

Who sleeps with you every night?

 Husband and my dog

Think you’re attractive?

  Not so much

Want to get married?

  already have

To:

 My husband

Are you a good student?

 Not in highschool

Are you currently happy?

  Depends on the day

Have you ever cheated?? Been cheated on?

 Yes and Yes

Birthplace?

 Eugene Oregon

Christmas or Halloween?

 Halloween (its my daughter’s birthday)

Colored or black-and-white photo?

  black and white

Do long distance relationships work?

 No

Do you believe in astrology?

 Yes

Do you believe in love at first sight?

  Rare I’m sure

Do you consider yourself the life of the party?

 No quite the opposite

Do you drink?

  Not these days I hate drunks!

Do you make fun of people?

 Sad to say I have

Do you think dreams eventually come true?

 If you work hard enough

Favorite fictional character?

 Tinkerbell

Go to the movies or rent?

 Rent

Have you ever moved?

   Too often

Have you ever stolen anything?

 Yep I wasnt the best teenager lol

How’s the weather right now?

  Cold

Last time you cut your hair?

 about a year ago

Last person you talked to on the phone?

  my sister

Last time you showered?

  this am

Loud or soft music?

  Loud

Mcdonalds or Burger King?

  Mcdonalds

Night or day?

 Night

Number of pillows?

  3

Piano or guitar?

 Guitar

Future job?

 Idk

Current job?

 none

Current love?

   My husband

Current longing?

  to be normal

Current disappointment?

  my husbands behavior

Current annoyance?

  my husbands behavior

Last thing you ate?

 crunch berry cereal

Last thing you bought?

 milk

Most recent thing you are looking forward to?

  sleep

What are you hearing right now?

 kids

Plans for the weekend?

 staying home

What did you do today?

  cleaned the kitchen

Pick a lyric, any lyric or song?

 You know that Im a crazy bitch?…I do what I want when I feel like it…. All I want to do is loose control…. Oh,oh  But you dont really give a shit.. You go with it, go with it, go with it…. ’cause your fucking crazy… rock’n’ roll

 

~ The way we once were ~

childhood memory

childhood memory (Photo credit: AlicePopkorn)

One of my friends, actually my best friend at the time, from when I was a teenager has been talking to me on Facebook. Kinda strange catching up after all these years. I can’t believe I can say I knew her 10 years ago. Really? We got old fast. It doesn’t feel like 10 years have gone by. In fact it feels like we were just hanging out. I can clearly remember riding the busses all over portland. Loitering down town. Hooking up with complete losers. Waterfront. Saturday Market. Party’s. Everything was an adventure. Life never lacked excitement. We always found trouble to get in to. When did it stop? Why?
I remember the reason we stopped hanging out, she hated that I had a boyfriend. He took up too much of my time, so I couldn’t run around with her. We got into a huge fight down town Portland telling anyone who would listen every dirty little secret we knew about each other. (girls are damn vicious, we are in it to kill) Then we just stopped talking. We both moved away. Didn’t matter to either of us to stay in contact. I’m pretty sure we hated each other.
Even though we were not friends anymore, we had mutual friends. So every once in a while I would hear what or who she was doing. It took her a while to settle down. I got married and had kids with that boy friend she didn’t like so much. She started stripping, and hitting the drug scene a lot harder than we did together. I seriously thought she was so into that lifestyle, she wouldn’t be able to stop. I expected it to kill her.
Well she got married about 3 years ago, and she just became a mom. She had a hard time getting pregnant. They were trying ever since they got married nothing worked. Then when they were about to give up they decided to try in vitro and it worked. She is now a mom of twins. A boy and a girl.
Most couples want one of each, and a lot of people keep trying until they get both. Kinda nice she got both at once. It makes the wait worth it.
I have a lot of mixed emotions about seeing her. I mean we both have changed so much from the time we knew each other. She is really excited about being a mom and wants to show off the babies, which I get. It’s the best thing in the world becoming a parent. I just don’t know her anymore. She doesn’t know me either so it just feels strange. We are not the same people we once were…., Plus it brings back a lot of anxiety inducing memories lol

~ Sorry Boys.. Girls have it better! ~

Deutsch: Symbol der Frauenpower (Geballte Faus...

Deutsch: Symbol der Frauenpower (Geballte Faust in Venus-Zeichen). English: Woman-power symbol (clenched fist in Venus sign). עברית: כוח נשים (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Well my husband and I have this little contest, we both created profiles on an online date site as a joke. We are not seriously talking to anyone, and let the people who contact us know we are just there for laughs. Anyways.. The contest is to see who gets the most attention, and who is worth more. There is a thing on there where you can, with their fake money, buy pets and people can buy you as a pet every time you are passed around your value increases.
I am kicking his ass! By a lot. My email is flooded with messages and friends requests, plus my value is over 7,000,000,000,000 and his is a mere 19,000,000. I totally rub it in his face too lol. Now he wants to delete the accounts. Even though I agree we should, part of me really likes the attention. There is just something about an extremely hot guy telling me I’m sexy. Major confidence booster. Some of these guys are pretty pathetic though, one guy actually messaged me and told me what he wanted to do to me. My response was “I don’t think my husbands going to let that happen” well he never wrote back. Lol
All of this attention, as fake as it is, has made me think Girls have it so much better. With hardly any effort put out we can find someone, where guys seem to have to really put some effort in to it. Idk. I’m sure there’s a lot more to it.
Another reason why girls got it better..
We can be anything from innocent sweet submissive to naughty tough and dominate and guys will find us sexy regardless. I don’t think it’s the same for men, I mean who really finds the “nice guy” sexy? Not me, and none of my female friends either. We might say we want a nice guy, usually just to piss off the guy we are with, because he is being an ass for whatever reason. Hell we might even date a “nice guy” but i can promise you, in the bedroom she is pretending you are anything but nice.
Bad boys have always been hot. They always will be. You know they are not afraid to fight, and that’s pretty hot. Men are supposed to be strong, take charge, and not afraid to get dirty. They are supposed to be our protectors, and make us feel safe. That’s what makes them sexy.
I never have to question my safety with my husband. He has recently proven how far he would go to keep me safe. I am damn lucky! If he wasn’t able to fend someone off he would even willingly get his ass kicked to keep me and the kids safe. That’s love lol. Plus being a girl, it’s nothing I have to reciprocate he doesn’t expect me to fight for him. I would so much rather paint my nails…
Ya us girls defiantly have it better.

~ So wise and only Five Lol ~

So out of boredom I decided I would interview my 5 year old, and blog the results. In no particular order, I just randomly started asking him questions, and this is what came of it. I cant believe some of his answers, he had me laughing the whole time. He really can  be quite entertaining at times just read for your self…

*What is your Favorite color?
Green.


*What is your Favorite food?
Scrambled eggs


*What is your Favorite movie?
Scooby-doo.


*Who is your Favorite person?
My dog, cousin, mom, dad, brother, sister and myself.


*Do you like school? 
Not really. I do like recess, and the bears, and food, that’s all.

*What is the coolest thing you have ever done?
Make new friends a long time ago, when i just moved here, a long time ago.


*Who is the nicest person you know? 
My cousin, dog, brother, not really, Sister, not really. Mom and dad, mostly every one. Except not a robber. Of course not a robber, right mama?


*Why is important to be nice?
Mom and dad wouldn’t say it, but it just is.


*Why do kids go to school?
You have to. If your sick you don’t have to.


*Why is there money? 
Because if there wasnt, you couldnt even eat anything, or buy anything.


*Are you going to get married? 
Ya!


*How old will u be when u get married? 
17 or a grown up age. Ya! a grown up age. Right mama?


*Will u have kids?
Ya!


*How many kids will you have?
80! No I’m just kidding. He he he….  2


*Why 2 kids?
Because… Maybe 1?  maybe 3?  Maybe,  Maybe, Maybe.


*Is there a God?
Ya!


*How do you know that there is a God?
My sister and brother told me. Because if you die, there wouldnt be nobody up there for you.


*What does God look like?
He has a huge foot , a huge head, a huge nose, a huge butt, a huge stomach, a huge flip flop and that’s all.


*Have you ever talked to God?
No! what do you think, man??? Only if i got knocked out, ya.


*What happens when you dream? 
Nightmares or sleepy stories,don’t know what that is I just said it.


*Did you dream last night ? 
Ya, about a bat moth. It made the sound like you  “EEEEhhhh”
*Occasionally, when I have bad dreams, I scream myself awake. From what I have been told, It sounds much like a dying cat. Lol*


*How did I end up as your mom?
You was a little kid. You had a baby and the doctor helped you take it out.


*How did you end up as my son?
I was in your belly button, and whatever you ate I ate. Blah! broccoli. I don’t like broccoli.


*If you had a dollar what would you buy?
A toy, and food, and 800 dollars?


*You can buy all of that for a dollar?
Ya, maybe, sure.

*What if you had 100 dollars, what would you buy? 
Everything. Except for knifes. Maybe one.


*Why would you need to buy a knife?
To cut stuff. Maybe broccoli, potatoes, carrots.


*Do you remember when you were a baby? 
Only when i was 4.

*What do you remember about being 4? 
Just my birthday. Only my birthday nothing else.

*Is it easy for you to make friends?
Not really.


*Do you have friends? 
Um, Ya!! whole bunch at school and at my friends house.

*What is your favorite thing about dad?
Hes the best. He can fix anything. Except for that one thing I said.


*What is your favorite thing about mom?
Umm your so lazy. ha ha 
*he found this reply to be so funny*


*What is your favorite thing about your brother? 
He is so lazy. Oh I mean no. He’s not lazy.


*What is your favorite thing about your sister?
She is lazier than everyone.  She whines about everything.


*What makes someone mean?
Teasing them.


*Who do you know that’s mean?
 My cousin, when i make him mean. If I want him to chase me, I make him mean.


*Why do dogs bark? 
To tell other dogs I poop here, I live here.


*Who is the smartest person you know? 
A genius. You , my brother, dad and my dog.

*What are you going to be when u grow up?
A cop or whatever my cousin is going to be.


*Why a cop?
Because my cousin wants to be a cop and hes my bestest buddy
.

*What happens when peole get old? 
Die, and it would hurt. and you would be a zombie or a ghost.


*Have u ever seen a zombie or ghost? 
No. My friend did. He saw a ghost and it tried to throw a toy at the back of his head, and it tried to save him from a mean ghost that throws some stuff around the house.

Then he looked at me all seriously and asked: “Do cops get old? Huh, mama”? 
I said: “Yes they do, everyone does.” 
He said: “oh pooh! what about power rangers?’

       Eventually he had enough of my questions and decided that it was time to ask himself two questions. The two questions he asked himself are…..

1. What’s your favorite black color?
 Black green. You mix black with green and its black green.


2.What’s your favorite food color?
 Nothing.

Then it was time for two jokes he made up…

1. Why didn’t the dog go outside?
Because it didnt have the legs for it.

2.Why didn’t the brain go inside of a humans head?
Because it was dead.

   **Just another reminder of why, I am so happy to be a mom; and how having kids can be so much fun!! Especially when they are as cool as mine are…..

~Less negativity~

Nail polishes

Nail polishes (Photo credit: The Style PA)

I have been wasting way to much time and energy, blogging about and even obsessing all day, over  the negative stuff in my life. Oblivious to the fact there is still plenty of good things  in my life. My blog has become quite depressing, and not a really what my life is all about. So I hope this list can change the current vibe.

 Some of The Good Things:

  * Re-connecting with people who understand.
Thanks to Facebook, I have re-connected with someone who might not even know how influential they have been, or how appreciative I am to know them. This person was available to listen when I really needed someone to listen. Having someone to listen, and not judge you, really can make all the difference.
 *My dads
I don’t always do a good job expressing my appreciation. I really suck at apologizing. Its not because I don’t want to, more like just an ” I’m sorry ” isn’t good enough. God knows they have been put through some pretty heavy shit thanks to me lol. It has not changed the fact that they will always love me. They will always be there for me.
 * My kids
They are constantly amazing me. I dont know how I helped create 3 of the worlds greatest people, but I have. If you know my kids, then you know this is true. All 3 of them have a way of cheering me up without even trying. They all have their own special ways of doing things. They never fail to make me smile.
* My husband
He is capable of comforting me like nobody else can, I know he always  and always will love me. When I am with him I am safe, especially when he wraps his arms around me. When I lay with my head on his chest, there is no place I would rather be. I wish I could freeze time and stay in that moment, with him, forever.
*My Sister
Although she is younger, nobody could tell, she has always been the more responsible one. She has bailed me out of many, many situations. She has always been dependable and supportive. If I go to battle she always has my side, even if I am clearly the one in the wrong.
*chocolate
What more do I need to say about chocolate?
* Red nail polish
Nothing is sexier than some bright red nail polish. When feeling less than  attractive just slap on some red nail polish and watch how quickly that changes.
* Sex
Much like chocolate nothing more needs to be said.
* the color pink
Easily accommodates every mood. From girly and sweet with pastels to the more exciting brighter shades, can even feel naughty when paired with something black.
* my dog
I adopted her off of craigslist. Such a cute but  hyper little thing.  She is half chihuahua  half Pomeranian.She can be very moody, like me so naturally we bonded instantly lol.
* ativan
Many days I could not have survived with out it. My happy pills.
*Memories
Because there are a lot of good ones.
*flip flops
So much fun, comfy, and cute.
*Short shorts
Because my legs are hot!
*sunshine
Summertime, adventures, plus people wear a lot less clothes lol
*laughter
You can never have enough its value is way under appreciated .
*Hugs and kisses and cuddling.
All the little reminders that you are loved.
*my IPhone
Even though It has no phone service currently, I am able to blog from anywhere.
*Mascara, Hair straightener, and chap stick.
A few things I could not live without.
Nike’s
My favorite only because  they are the cutest tennis shoes ever. 
Pixie Stix
For all the sugary goodness, and more reasons.. sorry folks I will be keeping those all to myself… Lol
Pepsi
It is my favorite soda, and from what I have been told… “It’s what crazy people drink” ** fitting in my circumstances lol

Thats enough for now. I will more than likely add more stuff as I remember it.

~As if life wasn’t bad enough~

Fuck you cards.

Fuck you cards. Photo credit: m.k.

I am amazed at how quickly and efficiently I can fuck things up. This time I really did it though. I managed to fuck up big time!! I don’t know what to do. I am not suicidal I just want to die. For some reason I don’t think dying wold be a sufficient enough punishment. I’m just sooo tired of being me. I don’t want to be this way. I feel like i am being pulled in two directions and I cant fight anymore. I just want to give up. I am even taking my medication this time. So what excuses do I have now???
I am not stupid yet I keep putting myself in stupid situations.  I am scared, and depressed, and pissed off. I am so mad at myself.  We have no way of paying our bills this month Why? because I Spent all of our money on video poker. I don’t know how I thought it was a good Idea to spend our rent money on video poker. I really believed I was going to win, and win BIG! I was going to win enough to cover all of our bills. Looking back on it, I know it was a ridiculous idea. I am constantly saying how stupid people are to gamble and blow their money like that, but at the time I knew I was going to win. Well I didn’t.. I lost and lost BIG!

We are receiving $721.00 cash a month from TANF, and 779.00 in food stamps. This is our only source of income and doesn’t even cover our rent. When we got this months TANF we put gas in the car. Then went to the store and bought Soap, Shampoo, Laundry soap and all the non food items we needed. That left us with about $620.00. Pretty stressfull as is then comes our electric bill $400.00.
I started freaking out trying to come up with a way to pay our bills. Then I remembered that one of the first times I played video poker I won $275.00 off of $5.00. That was it!…… If I played $20.00 I would definitely win enough to cover everything. I had to.
I left my house around 3:00 in the afternoon and headed straight to play some video poker. Once I got there the place was empty. That meant I had my pick of the machines. This must be a good sign right?? I found my favorite game, got myself all situated and began to play.
Just as quickly as I put the $20.00 in the machine, it was gone. This didn’t alarm me I thought maybe it needed to warm up. If I play a little more I will definitely win. In went the next $20.00. I lost it too. I thought if I keep playing It has to pay out soon. So in went another $20.00. Now I was getting nervous but Its too late to stop I have to keep playing until I win. I put in another $20.00, and another, and another….. This continued over and over until all the money was gone. I spent everything.
I just sat there staring at the machine. It was unbelievable. I felt so nauseous, how did I do this? What am I supposed to do now?. I can’t go home and face my family. I cant tell them that I just made everything worse.
At 9:00 pm I felt a tap on my shoulder. It was my husband he asked me how much I spent. I was afraid to tell him the truth so I said I only spent $20.00 and I was winning. He said that I should come home it was a week day and the kids have school in the morning. So I did. I went home with him.I didn’t want to go home. I wanted to run away, just start driving somewhere and never stop. If he hadn’t came and found me I wouldn’t have come home. I’m not sure where I would have gone. I hadn’t figured that part out yet, but I definitely decided I wouldn’t go home.
I have put my family through so much shit already. I am constantly hurting people and my family doesn’t deserve it. They deserve better than me. I am so disgusted with myself. I have no way to fix this. I have exhausted all the local agencies that help out family’s in need. Plus the family members that usually bail me out of my financial fuck ups say they don’t have the money. I’m sure they are tired of fixing all my problems for me anyway. Especially because I always promise to pay it back or say its the last time and it wont happen again. The fucked up part is I really believe it at the time. I don’t want to depend on them to take care of me.
Why do I keep winding up in situations like this? Haven’t I caused enough drama in everyone’s life? When will it stop? I am so depressed I cant leave my room. I want to sleep it all away. I really hate myself right now. I feel so fucking worthless. This time I hurt my kids. How am I going to explain this to them? I cant even think about it without crying. I am afraid to tell my husband. He might really leave me this time. Fuck. I would leave him. I would be so tired of putting up with everything I put him through. I would pack up the kids and leave.

UPDATE:
I told my husband. Hes not leaving me, but hes not happy with me. He actually didn’t say much, he was at a loss of words which is scary considering he is always talking and never shuts up. I would have rather him yell and tell me how stupid I am. I think hes shocked and just doesn’t want to believe it.

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