One day at a time

So I finally started treatment 1 on 1 sessions, my anxiety is extreemly greatful. I attended an all womens 12 step meeting by myself and.introduced my self. ( for those.that dont know me… Its a pretty big fucking deal!) My anxiety has caused major obstacles in my recovery. Im at 31 days clean today. Yay me!!. I Have a Sponser with 22 years clean, which to me is a damn miracle.
So now im no longer In denial about my disease, I am willing and open even eager to start living a sober life, and really live.
Im struggling with trust and oppening up completely. ” life on lifes terms” scares the hell out of me. I am having a hard time relying on my higher power for guidence. I still find myself trying ti control and destroy my progress.
I have been building a sober peer.support group so I have people I can call or see when things become too much. I am greatful for Na and everyone who has adsisted in showing me how to get helo.

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Not a game

I am sooo glad its almost over. I will come out on top just wait and see, all of you that think your winning are exactly where I want you to be. Just keep doing what your doing blindly believing your right. You have no fucking clue how wrong you are but soon enough I will let you know. This aint a game anymore….

Ramblings of an Insomniac lol

Been a while since I couldn’t sleep. Im not sure if its the coffee, or my mind just not wanting to turn off. So much is going on in my life right now, its hard to stay focused. I seen my dad today, which was nice, considering not to long ago he told me never to call or text him again. He was upset because our last phone conversation ended with me hanging up in him. He said something that was really hurtful and I just didnt want to hear any more. He wasnt intending to hurt me thats just how I took it. I have been overly emotional lately and am having a rough time trusting people. Even people who have never given me a reason not to trust them, people who have always loved and supported me. I dont know what my issue is. Im going to marriage counseling and my husband finally went to the doctor and is getting in meds our relationship is getting better so thats good. I started attending a parentung class with a bunch of women in similar situations, which allows an extra visitation with my kids. Super excited about that. I start treatment next week, not sure what to expect but more than willing to go. I just want this nightmare to be over. I miss my kids, I want to tell them im sorry that I have caused so much chaos in their life and want them to know they dont deserve it and its not their fault. Im so greatful my family has my kids and the state did not place them with strangers. My sister is a saint. She has 2 kids and took in my 3 kids. She now has 5 kids my 3 are age 10, 8, & 6, hers are 3 & 6. No questuons asked she wouldnt have it any other way. My dads have been making a 2 hour drive frim their home to hers rather frequently to help out as much as possible. It makes it easier to do what I need to do to recover and stay sober knowing my kids ate safe. I have heard so many horror stories about foster care, so its very reassuring im doing the right thing. It took me a while to come to terms with the fact that I cant care for my kids, without taking care of myself first. Im worried about my dad Im afraid hes not telling Me something, not sure exactly what or why but somethings off with him for sure. Im finally getting sleepy so thats it for this post. Good night readers lol.

Starting over and faith

How exactly am I supposed to start over? Thank god my husband and I are on the same page as far as needing help and willing to do whatever it takes. Our family is all that matters to us. We want our children to have a healthy stable loving home. We want to be the best possible parents. Somehow we lost ourself and forgot what was important to us.
Im trying to stay strong and do things the right way but I’ve made so many mistakes im not convinced I know what the right thing is. My husband is back to being the most amazing man I’ve ever met. I’ve missed him. I am so grateful I have someone who will never stop loving me and who is willing to do whatever needs to be done for our family to be our family again.
I miss my kids so much. Im so sorry I’ve caused so much chaos and hurt to so many people I pray in time everyone can heal and can forgive me.
I need to believe that god knows what’s best for me and I have faith he will show me the way to fix this mess of a life I have been living. I believe every thing happens for a reason, and I am trying to focus on the positive things that have been happening. I am sober, my husband is sober, our relationship is stronger than ever. I am taking my meds and seeing a doctor. My husband had acknowledged the fact that he has been abusive and is willing to go to counseling as well as see a doctor and get on meds. We are going to individual and marriage counseling. We are going to drug and alcohol treatment and attending 12 step meetings.
We are going to get our kids back and when we do pour family will be stronger than ever.

Once again life has gotten complicated lol. I haunt posted for a while because of just how complicated things have become. So here goes… my time to confess, I have been using meth off and on for less than a year. Im in treatment now and asked my sister to care for my children so my husband and I can both get our shit together and be parents again.
I am ridiculously depressed and overwhelmed. My family is split between wanting to help me to not knowing how and honestly I don’t know how either.
I am telling myself I can do it I will get my ids back as long as I stay clean and continue to seek support it will work out it has to.
My kids are my life. I didn’t want to fuck them up they deserve so much that’s why I asked her to step in.

Simply not simple

So I seem to be repeating myself a lot lately. What i keep saying is “whats simple for you isnt simplr for me” As frustrating as it is, its kinda funny too. People can’t understand why I have panic attacks and why my anxiety is so dibilitating. Because its not a tangable didability im treated like its not that bad. I have actually had friends tell me to shake it off, ir snap out of it. Everyone expects answers from me and my response is if I knew what the cause was or had any clue on how to fix me, I would be fixing myself LOL.
   I just want everyone to realize that I struggle daily. It is real and so not easy. I’m not giving up I have faith I will get through it. I know I will survive. Some days are harder than others but, the biggest issue for me is, when people have a hard time accepting that what they consider to be a simple task is not a simple task for me. Just making a phone call sometimes is too much. It is what it is…
I found these lyrics on line and thought they summed up my whole mood. ENJOY. 

LYRICS to Its Not Easy

By Five For Fighting

    I can’t stand to fly I’m not that naive I’m just out to find The better part of me

I’m more than a bird…I’m more than a plane More than some pretty face beside a train It’s not easy to be me

Wish that I could cry Fall upon my knees Find a way to lie About a home I’ll never see

It may sound absurd…but don’t be naive Even Heroes have the right to bleed I may be disturbed…but won’t you concede Even Heroes have the right to dream It’s not easy to be me

Up, up and away…away from me It’s all right…You can all sleep sound tonight I’m not crazy…or anything…

I can’t stand to fly I’m not that naive Men weren’t meant to ride With clouds between their knees

I’m only a man in a silly red sheet Digging for kryptonite on this one way street Only a man in a funny red sheet Looking for special things inside of me

It’s not easy to be me.

~ Not much ~

25042012-000407

So today has been quite a day. A lot has happened, considering I have only been awake for a few hours here and there, I’m not completely sure it all really happened. Lol

I have been sleeping my life away. Nothing abnormal about that. It’s the one guarantee I  got these days…

Well I deleted my Aunt and the rest of the highly destructive family I had off my face book, as well as my husbands and kids profiles. That felt good. A really good friend from my past contacted me via Facebook. It was rally nice hearing from him crazy how much time has gone by and how much has happened in both of our lives. I had so much to say to him IMing on Facebook doesn’t seem to be fast enough for me so  he dowloaded skype just for me Lol.

Seeing him was nice but kinda depressing too. I started remembering all sorts of stuff from back then. Like I got my first tattoo with him. I was a lot more social. I was young and full of life.I was so much happier. I was a completely different person. I was shy but I  wasn’t as scared as I am now. What happened to that person can I get her back?

My husband is signed up with a counselor for meds and to work on his anger issues. He is going to start AA on Monday. He did this all on his own too. Located the places even rode the bus with our youngest on cross town to sign up so I know he is serious about getting help.

What scares me is how he talks about what happened. I feel he fucked up bad. He crossed a line I had no part in that.  He doesnt agree.  My uncle told him if he everputs his hands on me epecially in front of the kids he will have aeal problem. As sweet as that is, myuncle is old and disabled, not really threatning. My husband responded by saying he pushed me and its nobody’s buiness because they don’t have all the facts.

I don’t know why he feels the need to downplay what happened to everyone because when its just us he as no problem saying ” As hard as  I knocked you into the Cabinet you should have a big gash”  lucky for him I don’t bruise easilly. I do have a decent sized bump on my head and from above my right eyebrow to my ear, I am extremely sore.  I can’t even sleep on my right side.

My husbands mother got released from prison and is going go be in a halfway house near us so that’s been anxiety inducing for sure. I guess a lot has been on my mind but that’s all I feel up to sharing for now.

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