Waiting for happily ever after

I know its still early… but since I stopped using, I go to bed a lot earlier. It dosnt matter what time it us I have no problems sleeping.Lol not tonight. Tonight fucking sucks im in such an irritable mood I want to go to sleep but my mind wont shut the fuck up. I hate everyone around me I keep telling myself its temporary but I dont think anyone could tolerate these people as long as I have. If I wasnt already crazy I would fear loosing my mind. I just want a life back. I feel like I am falling down a hole and as soon as I think im going to hit bottom I  just start falling faster. I wish I could go back and do things different, everytime I start thinking about it I just want to die. I want this chapter in my life to be over. I am ready for happily ever after.

Advertisements

One day at a time

So I finally started treatment 1 on 1 sessions, my anxiety is extreemly greatful. I attended an all womens 12 step meeting by myself and.introduced my self. ( for those.that dont know me… Its a pretty big fucking deal!) My anxiety has caused major obstacles in my recovery. Im at 31 days clean today. Yay me!!. I Have a Sponser with 22 years clean, which to me is a damn miracle.
So now im no longer In denial about my disease, I am willing and open even eager to start living a sober life, and really live.
Im struggling with trust and oppening up completely. ” life on lifes terms” scares the hell out of me. I am having a hard time relying on my higher power for guidence. I still find myself trying ti control and destroy my progress.
I have been building a sober peer.support group so I have people I can call or see when things become too much. I am greatful for Na and everyone who has adsisted in showing me how to get helo.

I still need you

I am bipolar, have severe anxiety disorder and am an addict. I have made some major mistakes in my life and am trying to fix myself. I am in counseling, seeing a MD regularly for medication management, I am in treatment and attending n.a. Meetings. I hate the person I was and am struggleing to figure out who I am. I have so many intense feelings I am not used to having and really suck at expressing. I blog to help process my emotions and just get it all out. I dont mean to offend anyone especially my dad. I have a really amazing dad. I dont think he knows how much he really means to me. Growing up everyone told me I was so much like him, like it was a bad thing but I never seen it that way. He is one of the strongest people I know and if I had to choose someone to be like it would be him. I know I will recover and my life will be amazing because of my dad.

Sober lesson

Its always surprising the way things turn out. I am learning how to live life sober, not easy, just saying lol. Im learning how important it is to be honest and make ammends, to be accountable for your fuck UPS and not keep secrets from the people you love. Yet the people who have been teaching me to be honest dont feel its necessary to follow the same rules. Its ok for them to keep secrets, so why is that? How can you expect someone to trust you and be honest with you when you are not being honest with them. I have come to the conclusion that the people in my life I could count on are not really there for me. Its really kinda sad the people who are here for me and really want me to succeed are the ones I least expected. I dont know I think the whole reason im posting is to acknowledge that life, and people are not always what they seem to be. Learning that has been extremely useful in my recovery.

Sober lesson

Its always surprising the way things turn out. I am learning how to live life sober, not easy, just saying lol. Im learning how important it is to be honest and make ammends, to be accountable for your fuck UPS and not keep secrets from the people you love. Yet the people who have been teaching me to be honest dont feel its necessary to follow the same rules. Its ok for them to keep secrets, so why is that? How can you expect someone to trust you and be honest with you when you are not being honest with them. I have come to the conclusion that the people in my life I could count on are not really there for me. Its really kinda sad the people who are here for me and really want me to succeed are the ones I least expected. I dont know I think the whole reason im posting is to acknowledge that life, and people are not always what they seem to be. Learning that has been extremely useful in my recovery.

Ramblings of an Insomniac lol

Been a while since I couldn’t sleep. Im not sure if its the coffee, or my mind just not wanting to turn off. So much is going on in my life right now, its hard to stay focused. I seen my dad today, which was nice, considering not to long ago he told me never to call or text him again. He was upset because our last phone conversation ended with me hanging up in him. He said something that was really hurtful and I just didnt want to hear any more. He wasnt intending to hurt me thats just how I took it. I have been overly emotional lately and am having a rough time trusting people. Even people who have never given me a reason not to trust them, people who have always loved and supported me. I dont know what my issue is. Im going to marriage counseling and my husband finally went to the doctor and is getting in meds our relationship is getting better so thats good. I started attending a parentung class with a bunch of women in similar situations, which allows an extra visitation with my kids. Super excited about that. I start treatment next week, not sure what to expect but more than willing to go. I just want this nightmare to be over. I miss my kids, I want to tell them im sorry that I have caused so much chaos in their life and want them to know they dont deserve it and its not their fault. Im so greatful my family has my kids and the state did not place them with strangers. My sister is a saint. She has 2 kids and took in my 3 kids. She now has 5 kids my 3 are age 10, 8, & 6, hers are 3 & 6. No questuons asked she wouldnt have it any other way. My dads have been making a 2 hour drive frim their home to hers rather frequently to help out as much as possible. It makes it easier to do what I need to do to recover and stay sober knowing my kids ate safe. I have heard so many horror stories about foster care, so its very reassuring im doing the right thing. It took me a while to come to terms with the fact that I cant care for my kids, without taking care of myself first. Im worried about my dad Im afraid hes not telling Me something, not sure exactly what or why but somethings off with him for sure. Im finally getting sleepy so thats it for this post. Good night readers lol.

Starting over and faith

How exactly am I supposed to start over? Thank god my husband and I are on the same page as far as needing help and willing to do whatever it takes. Our family is all that matters to us. We want our children to have a healthy stable loving home. We want to be the best possible parents. Somehow we lost ourself and forgot what was important to us.
Im trying to stay strong and do things the right way but I’ve made so many mistakes im not convinced I know what the right thing is. My husband is back to being the most amazing man I’ve ever met. I’ve missed him. I am so grateful I have someone who will never stop loving me and who is willing to do whatever needs to be done for our family to be our family again.
I miss my kids so much. Im so sorry I’ve caused so much chaos and hurt to so many people I pray in time everyone can heal and can forgive me.
I need to believe that god knows what’s best for me and I have faith he will show me the way to fix this mess of a life I have been living. I believe every thing happens for a reason, and I am trying to focus on the positive things that have been happening. I am sober, my husband is sober, our relationship is stronger than ever. I am taking my meds and seeing a doctor. My husband had acknowledged the fact that he has been abusive and is willing to go to counseling as well as see a doctor and get on meds. We are going to individual and marriage counseling. We are going to drug and alcohol treatment and attending 12 step meetings.
We are going to get our kids back and when we do pour family will be stronger than ever.

  • Simply Me

  • *********f you like what you see, don't just read it follow along too*********

    Join 96 other followers

  • Free SEO Tools

  • Active Search Results
  • Whats Popular