~Truth hurts! Less than the lies~

Ok. So I don’t know why I keep doing this to myself. I keep giving you chances, you have proved you don’t deserve them. Why do I keep hurting myself like this? You tell me what I want to hear, but its not true and means nothing to you. You don’t seem to care about my feelings. You are too distracted from seeking instant gratification. You don’t think about the consequences or longterm effects of your actions. You don’t seem to care how your behavior disrupts my life.
You always tell me it’s going to be different this time. You promise. I give you the benefit of the doubt. I want to believe it so bad. Your word means nothing, I know this. Even when you promise, I know your full of shit, but I never call you out.
I keep my fingers crossed, and pray just one time you won’t disappoint me. Why is it so difficult to tell me the truth? You think that lying to me is protecting me. You think I’m too fragile, too weak, to handle the truth. You think I’m going to hurt myself or go crazy, so you make up some bullshit story trying to cover up what you have done. You do this over and over again and i allow this to happen by continuing to give you chance after chance.
FYI :You have given yourself way too much credit. You are so not that magnificent. Honestly you have brought me more pain than happiness. The truth doesn’t hurt as bad, when your honest from the start.
There is no protection from the pain that happens when the truth comes out, and it always comes out.
You have cut me with your actions, you watched me bleed, but the scares from your lies will never heal. There is no more trust.
You have a backwards way of thinking. It takes strength to be honest. It takes strength to admit your wrong. You are the weaker one. You lack Strength. You are to weak to tell the truth. You continue to hide behind your lies.
Your behavior has become alarming even to you. You are loosing your self to your lies. You are ashamed and hate life. You are drowning in your own misery. You cant remember when or how it got so bad. You cant even mimic happiness through self medicating. Its all become too overwhelming. Yet you continue to hurt me. You continue to lie.
You are not just hurting me. You have caused so much pain to yourself, you are beginning to forget who you are. You are the only one to blame. You are responsible for the destruction of yourself. When is enough, enough? Is the cycle ever going to end? How much more can anyone take?
Just think it all could have been prevented. You could have been happy. You could have been proud of your life. If only you weren’t too chicken shit to tell the truth.

~Calm yourself~

I have so many thoughts I want to write about, but as soon as I start writing I forget what I wanted to write about. My mind is moving faster than I can write. Just as fast as a thought pops into my head it’s quickly replaced by another one.
I am kind of depressed today. No reason for it. I’m just bummed. I wonder if I am aloud to be angry without people thinking I am manic. I can be mad just to be mad. It doesn’t always have to mean something. Right? Is this just part of being bipolar? Should I expect people to assume I am sinking into a major depression every time I’m sad? I worry about being too happy because people will think I’m manic. I feel like I’m not supposed to feel anything because if I do people are going to start thinking I need my meds adjusted. I usually don’t care if people know I’m bipolar. Its never been a secret.I have always been open about it. Lately I’m not do sure. I seem to be surrounded by some of the worlds most ignorant people. People that think that they are experts in every area, when they really have no idea what they are talking about. These people think they know what I need or how to handle me. It’s so frustrating sometimes. One of these days I’m going to tell these people where to stick it, if I don’t loose my temper and punch them in the face first. Thank god for blogging. I am able to rant on until I have calmed down.

~ Ativan, Norco, Marijuana, and trailers?? WTF~

So i am trying to find a place in Portland. Having evictions and bad credit and a very limited income has not made it easy lol. So we decided the most realistic thing would be a trailer. I have no car at the moment. When shitty things happen to me (like my husband loosing his job) its never just one thing. It’s almost impossible to rent s place without seeing it, and I feel like times running out and I need to find a place.
So my sister was going to take her 2 boys to Portland overnight to visit our dads. I tagged along bringing my youngest boy. The car ride there was horrible the boys fought and screamed to the point I had a migraine by the time we got to Portland. Thank god for Norco and Ativan.
Soon after we got there I was ready to go home. I love my dads. I love spending time with them. The kids love “grandpa” and “papa” but there house is not kid friendly. They have a lot of nice shit so it’s kinda scary having the kids run wild. Plus my dad is using medical marijuana so it’s hard to be around him sometimes when he’s stoned. It’s just weird. I remember being 16 getting in the car my dad smelled weed on me and freaked out making me tell him where I got it from. Then he went to that boys house and told him never to sell weed to his daughter again. Needless to say the boy never even talked to me again. So now my dads smoking weed? Whatever. I get it has medicinal purposes and for him it does but it’s still strange.
My husbands cousin was supposed to meet up with me and take me to some trailer park where he knows the maintenance guy. He was hoping he could pull some strings and vouch that we are good people. Well it didn’t happen, my husbands family isn’t always punctual. I was only going to be in town for one day so my sister and I just drive over and looked for ourselves. I was surprised it wasn’t that bad. No furniture in the yard. No guys in wife beaters missing teeth. I expected the worst. I mean its a trailer park after all. It actually looked homey, and this was a “mobile home community” not a trailer park. I didn’t realize there was a difference. Lol
Every time I visit my dad he finds some time to lecture me about something. It never fails. He never sees it as lecturing though. Oh no, its just good old parental advice, maybe just a talk or a tip. No matter how he wants to disguise it, its a lecture.
Usually it’s not bad and I can see his point or end up agreeing with him anyways. This time it wasn’t like that. I didn’t agree. My irritation continued until I got home ending with a fuck u text from me and DONE from him.
He always points out how sick he is it feels like he is trying to guilt me or make me feel worse. Some how I’m responsible for making his sickness worse I don’t know. I don’t understand why it necessary to point out being sick every time we have an upsetting conversation.
First off my sister was there and when ever my sister is around I don’t really try to talk to him. There’s no point. He’s so wrapped up in whatever she’s doing you cant get a word in. I stopped trying. I think part of him feels guilty for not having a closer relationship with her when she was younger. Maybe he’s overcompensating for lost time.
Lately he has his head so far up her ass she can do no wrong. I Was really offended by some of the comments he made to me.
My sisters husband called my sister while we were at dads, telling her that his brother had another break down he asked her not to tell anyone all the details because he doesn’t want people to think that’s going to happen to him too. I told my sister if he really doesn’t want people to think that then maybe he should go to counseling and get some meds. I was pointing out that we don’t think he’s crazy because of his brother, we think he’s crazy because he’s crazy. Scary crazy without treatment.
She got all defensive and said maybe u should go to counseling. I said I do. She said its a problem for her marriage. If thats how she wants it then she shouldn’t bring it up around me, that situation was very traumatic for me. I will always have an opinion that is valid. I was traumatized by him, it’s not something I can just forget. She said well I can’t make him it’s something he has to do for himself. Which I agree with. But if it really concerned him, he would be doing everything he could to better himself.
You don’t freak out the way he did and then all of a sudden your ok for the rest of your life. He’s Fucking nuts. I know because I’m crazy too. But his crazy is scary crazy it fucked up everyone’s life. I lost my home and my relationship thanks to his version of crazy.
One of the things my dad said was he thinks my sister has handled the whole situation well. I said i don’t. He got all mad and said i was delusional about the whole situation. I told him i had my experience, i lived in it i am entitled to feel the way i feel about it. That didn’t go over too well.
My dad has to be right and try to conform you to his side if you disagree. He thinks he has all the information, he’s so much wiser from life experiences. That would be true if he lived down here seen everything and actually had all the information.
You know whats funny is before he felt the need to kiss my sisters ass he told me that i was a victim in that situation. That her husband destroyed people, and that he could forgive my husband before ever forgiving my sisters.
Now his opinion has changed. He’s all accepting of my sisters choices and marriage and back to hating my husband. Well my opinion hasn’t changes and wont until he gets on meds. Its such a big fucking deal for me do be on meds. Well it should be a bigger fucking deal for him.
Oh then my dad said maybe having a job would help him. Sorry dad working doesn’t prevent crazy either.
My dad lives 2 hours away and only knows what we tell him and it’s usually over the phone. I guarantee it’s not everything either. My sister claimed she didn’t leave him because ” he was sick and you just don’t leave someone just because they are sick”.
Bitch ass excuse as far as I’m concerned. She did leave him. You get treatment for your family to come back. Her taking him back has enabled him to not get treatment. Why should he? Its not fun. He has no incentive now.
She cried for weeks about how she doesn’t know how to date, she’s fat, who’s gonna want her. Then she started going and seeing her husband for the day here and there. She just got scared and took him back because she is afraid she would end up alone with two kids.
When someone damages that many people and doesn’t get help, leaving them should be the only option. She just recently started leaving her kids with him again. He scared her too, she doesn’t know what he is capable of. Who knows when he’s gonna snap again. He’s got a pretty thick family history of crazy along with his own version of nuts. It’s only a matter of time.
Everyone that believes he is ok is fucking stupid. I think I might post the emails he sent me so everyone can see why I feel the way I feel.

~Letters from me~

My husband has been going through boxes, trying to weed through what we need to keep and what we need to get rid of. Trying to make since of all the stuff we have accumulated over the last 10 years. We are trying to downsize a lot before we move. The less we have, the less it will cost to move. He found some letters I wrote. One to my sister, and one to my dad i was 17 & 18 when I wrote them. My husband and I hooked up when I has 17, I was actually living with him at the time. I vividly remember writing the letters too. I wrote a letter to everyone i knew. I passed out some but these never got delivered for whatever reason. My mom had moved to Springfield, my sister went with. I stayed in Portland with my dad. Growing up my sister was always closer to mom, and I was closer to dad. My mom was sick and my sister has that ” I need to take care of you” personality. Plus my sister was a pretty good kid. She was also the baby and my mom babied her. My mom and I had a rocky relationship. In fact I hated my mom.My mom was a “good kid” she never partied or did drugs, she lost her virginity to the man she thought she was going to marry. My mom didn’t understand me, I think I scared her. My dad partied and did stupid shit growing up. So because I did stupid shit I related to my dad more. She never missed an opportunity to tell me I was just like my dad, and my sister was just like her.I feel like she pushed me towards my dad and my sister towards her. It wasn’t until I had a kid that our relationship changed and for once in my life she was actually a mother to me. I am so grateful that the last few years of her life we got along, so I do have good memories of her. She was an amazing grandma too.
  Anyways I thought I would share the letters so here is what I wrote:

                                                    To my sister:

 I don’t know what mom’s deal is but she acts like she doesn’t care either way if she has a relationship with me or not. She acts like I embarrass her. Fuck, Dad hasn’t always approved of my choices, but at least he accepts that they are my choices. I know if I ever need help I could go to Dad. I’m not sure I could count on Mom being there for me if I fucked up. I have to learn for myself, I don’t think bad stuff happens to everyone, and I cant learn from other peoples mistakes.
I kinda think Mom expects me to be someone I am not. I know you feel Dad wants you to be someone your not. We just need to be ourselves. Fuck what they want. Its our life and we will never be happy if we are constantly trying to impress them.
So when it comes to Dad, don’t listen to everything he says, only take the advice that you think is the best for you. Try being honest with him. Write him a letter if you have to. Don’t worry about how he will react because ultimately you are the only person you need to worry about. I will do the same when it comes to Mom.
 I have been putting off writing her a letter for the longest time.I think I am going to write Mom and Dad both a letter about everything and give it to them after i turn 18. Don’t worry I will let you read them before I give it to them, that way I have your approval.

                                                       To my Dad:

 I’m writing this letter to thank you for being my Dad. I know I was a handful at times, but you never turned your back on me. that means so much to me.I also want to thank you for letting me make my own mistakes and being there when i needed help.
You have always accepted me for me. You allowed me to make my own decisions. I am really happy in life. I even wrote Mom a letter asking her to be a Mom to me. That was really hard. I’m glad I don’t have to ask you to be a Dad. Now I’m 18 years old and responsible for myself. That’s a little scary but it would have been a lot scarier if you weren’t there for me. I just want you to know that I may be a “grown-up” but I still need my Dad.

~My sister~

My sister came over today. She brought her boys, and all the kids played. It was a lot of fun. She says she is not OK with me moving which I kind of expected to be her reaction. She has to be organized, has to plan stuff out. She actually gets frazzled if she has something planed out and it doesn’t go exactly like its supposed to. I, on the other hand, am the complete opposite. I am more spontaneous, and rarely plan stuff out. I am very disorganized and constantly do spur of the moment shit.The fact that I have to be out of my place by the end of the month and haven’t found a place to move into yet is driving her nuts.
Honestly I think the change is scary for her. She says its because she is having some pretty scary health stuff and she needs me. I told her we hardly see each other as is. We have been leaning on each other when we should have been leaning on our spouses. I don’t even think its a bad thing. Our relationship changed, it evolved. I think we just grew up a little. We don’t need each other as much as we used to.
I talked to my dad on the phone for a while today. He is pretty bummed about what has happened between me and my sister. Its hard for him to see us go from being that close to what we are now. He started talking about when hes not around and said something like “you want your kids to be able to take care of each other”. The thing is we will, and we know that if it came down to it  we will always be there for each other. Right now I need to focus more on my life, my family and getting myself healthy. She needs to do the same. I bet we spend more time on the phone, and probably even visiting each other after I move.

~Message to a lost friend~

For the slight chance you read this. I sent you a link. I’m pretty sure you know who you are anyways, but just in case, “thanks for letting me steal the pictures” You were someone I considered to be a really good friend. Someone I shared things with.Someone I thought listened and cared like nobody else has. Someone I looked forward to spending secret moments with. Moments we both said we would never forget and supposedly meant something to us. Now your in another state, acting like your doing the “right thing” by no longer talking to me and  ignoring my messages. I want to tell you I think your an asshole. Fuck your newly found morals. Fuck all the stuff you said and Fuck that fake flower. Remember when you claim to be unhappy know that you have done it to yourself. I’m done feeling sorry for you. You had more than enough opportunities. I can’t believe I would be dumb enough to let myself  have any kind of feelings for you. I fell for all your shit, stupid me.

~My drug of choice~

I will never forget the first time I did meth. I was 16 and totally in love with my boyfriend. I had been seeing him for about 6 months and never wanted to leave his side. He lived with my aunt so i used every excuse i could to stay over there. As soon as I found out he was using, and using with my aunt, I wanted to try it. I didn’t know much about it just that it made you stay up for a long time.
My boyfriend tried telling me not to ever try it, that he wouldn’t give it to me. Ya Right.
He sat next to me on the couch pulled out a piece if tin foil put some little pieces, of what looked like broken glass, on it held a lighter under neath until it melted, it was sizzling and popping then liquified. He slowly let it roll down the foil making a long strip. As it cooled it stuck to the foil. The whole process was mesmerizing. I had never seen anything like it.
All I had ever done, or seen done was pot. Nothing real neat about that. Put it in a pipe and smoke it lol. So I thought this was really cool and insisted on trying it. I continued watching him. He pulled out a straw put it in his mouth and held the flame under the foil again. He moved the flame under the strip this time it didn’t liquify it started smoking. He inhaled the smoke through the straw he had in his mouth.
After he finished I took the foil from him, he didn’t put up a fight. In fact he helped me light it. I didn’t want to do too much because I had never done it before and didn’t know how it would make me feel.
That first hit, felt amazing my heart started beating faster, I got a huge rush and felt wide awake. I felt more alive. I loved it and immediately wanted more. It had officially become my drug of choice. From that day until I quit all I wanted was to get high. All I cared about was where my next bag was coming from. I lied to get money.
I stole. I did returns. I did shit with people I never would have even talked to had I been sober. I quit when I was 18. I quit because I found out I was pregnant. It was the hardest thing I have ever had to do. I’m not perfect and have given in to temptation and used since I quit. When I use I don’t want to stop. It would usually start as a ” just for the night” thing, then turn into months of using. Its hard to stay away from something that feels so good. Even today I want it, but don’t because I know it will ruin my life.

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