Ramblings of an Insomniac lol

Been a while since I couldn’t sleep. Im not sure if its the coffee, or my mind just not wanting to turn off. So much is going on in my life right now, its hard to stay focused. I seen my dad today, which was nice, considering not to long ago he told me never to call or text him again. He was upset because our last phone conversation ended with me hanging up in him. He said something that was really hurtful and I just didnt want to hear any more. He wasnt intending to hurt me thats just how I took it. I have been overly emotional lately and am having a rough time trusting people. Even people who have never given me a reason not to trust them, people who have always loved and supported me. I dont know what my issue is. Im going to marriage counseling and my husband finally went to the doctor and is getting in meds our relationship is getting better so thats good. I started attending a parentung class with a bunch of women in similar situations, which allows an extra visitation with my kids. Super excited about that. I start treatment next week, not sure what to expect but more than willing to go. I just want this nightmare to be over. I miss my kids, I want to tell them im sorry that I have caused so much chaos in their life and want them to know they dont deserve it and its not their fault. Im so greatful my family has my kids and the state did not place them with strangers. My sister is a saint. She has 2 kids and took in my 3 kids. She now has 5 kids my 3 are age 10, 8, & 6, hers are 3 & 6. No questuons asked she wouldnt have it any other way. My dads have been making a 2 hour drive frim their home to hers rather frequently to help out as much as possible. It makes it easier to do what I need to do to recover and stay sober knowing my kids ate safe. I have heard so many horror stories about foster care, so its very reassuring im doing the right thing. It took me a while to come to terms with the fact that I cant care for my kids, without taking care of myself first. Im worried about my dad Im afraid hes not telling Me something, not sure exactly what or why but somethings off with him for sure. Im finally getting sleepy so thats it for this post. Good night readers lol.

I just want to scream…….

Ok so I am a bit manic like these days. I say manic like because I’m not sure what else to call it lol. I have this unsatisfying need to accomplish everything I can as quickly as I can. The more I get done, the more I feel I need to do. I haven’t had much use for sleep instead I clean, read, or do some writing. I have been having really intense depression where all I want to do is sleep so when I kick the depression, I feel so good I’m instantly full of energy, extremely happy, overly animated and manic like. Its manageable, so far, for the most part I haven’t done anything that has got me in trouble. I feel like I have been going from one extreme to the next there is no in between anymore. Its all major ups and downs. No time to adjust I’m just thrown from one end of an emotional roller coaster to the other. It would be nice if I had the power to pause my life for five minutes. I would spend those five minutes screaming. That would be amazing. Five whole minutes where I didn’t have my mind overflowing with nonsense, or ridiculous anxiety’s and I could make as much noise as I needed.

Its not ok

So the latest drama for me is the D.A., not me, is wanting to press charges against my husband for assaulting me. Apparently its a felony with a 5 year sentence because it happened in front of the kids. I have been avoiding posting about this because it is not easy to think about for so many reasons…

 I am so angry that it happened. He knows he fucked up. We have been under a ridiculous amount of stress, I know that doesn’t excuse his behavior, he knows that too. It took him a minute, but he came to the realization on his own. He  signed up for alcohol treatment and counseling for his anger. He is an alcoholic he turns into a complete jackass when he drinks. It only takes one beer and he’s a completely different person. Its been his problem for years. He’s finally acknowledging he has a real problem and seeking help for it. He also scheduled an appointment with a doctor to see if there is something more going on.

So is it really necessary for him to go to jail for 5 years? Shouldn’t he be aloud the opportunity to get help first. I don’t want to spend a night without him, how will I get through 5 years?  My kids wont have their dad around its just so fucked up. I love him so much it sucks it got this bad for us but there re plenty of real criminals out here they should be worrying about.

 

~Reflections and Reality no room for Regrets~

Reflection in water

Reflection in water Photo credit: Wikipedia

When your reality is ripped away by a trauma of some kind, I think it’s a pretty natural reaction to question everything. Questioning the choices you have made, or didn’t make. Questioning the things you have done or didn’t do. Questioning all the people in your life from the past to all of your current friends and family. Your purpose and reason for living become questionable. You try to look for a way it could have been prevented. You just want a reason for life to make since again.
I have been thinking alot about all the choices I have made, and the choices that were made for me. I’m trying to remember, if or when it started to get bad. Was there a specific point in my life maybe even just one choice that could have prevented this outcome if it was done differently?
Looking back, I realize that I have made a lot of poor choices. I started remembering some things I completely forgot about, maybe even intentionally forgot about.
I know ultimately I am responsible for where I am in my life. I continuously go from blaming myself, to looking for the slightest reason I can pin the fault on someone else. I think about removing myself from people’s lives to prevent any more pain. Then I get so mad at everyone. I hate that this is happening to my family and not to someone else’s.
I have never done anything bad enough to deserve this, neither has my husband or kids. I can name quite a few people who would deserve it. Yet I’m the one life chooses to puke on.
I really believed that if life ever got bad, i have enough friends and family that would pitch in and help. I believed that nobody would just stand by watching my life disintegrate, especially when they are more than capable of helping to prevent it. Idk. it might have something to do with the fact that any time my husband hears of someone struggling, and we have the means to help, we do. No hesitations. My husband will give up his last 5$ to help someone out. Over the years we have had so many different people stay with us “until they get on their feet” that i’ve actually lost count. Everyone knows that if they need it our doors are always open.
My husband is too nice to people. He has even told me “It’s good karma, if we ever need help people will be there to return the favor” He is way too trusting. He believes that everyone is ultimately good. Um… Yeah right…
To everyone we know especially to the ones we have helped: If I am wrong where are you hiding?? Do you feel remorse? Guilt ?? Or do you even care at all? Nope. of course not. Not one single fucking person.
We are drowning. You have the ability to help and choose to stand by and watch us struggle. Do you remember you might not be doing so well if we didn’t help you???
I feel like telling everyone if they let this happen, I will never forget that they were not here when we needed them the most. But I’m not sure it would make a difference to anyone. I don’t think they give a shit if they have us in their lives or not.
To think people still question why I would say that I hate people, and why I don’t socialize more. I don’t socialize because throughout life people never miss the chance to show how selfish they are. They are never satisfied and constantly wanting more. Nothing is ever enough for them. Its always Take. Take. Take. They never stop fighting to be the one on top. People won’t blink twice about stabbing you in the back if it will benefit them, or make them look better in comparison. In fact some people will deliberately fuck you over just for fun.
While reflecting back on I started thinking about different things that have happened in my life. Some good times and some bad times. I also started remembering different people that have been in and out of my life. Some of the people I only knew for a short time were the most influential people in my life. Some how they managed to impact me the most. I have met some pretty amazing people. I have been pretty fortunate, I have received many blessings and had a lot of good stuff in my life. I would never want those experiences to be different.

Someone once told me that every experience you have had, every choice you have made, has brought you to where you are today. The good and the bad. It is why, you are who you are, today so you should have no regrets.

So we will be ok. How ever this turns out. My family is still my family so I think I’m still pretty damn fortunate.

~What I put up with..~

emotion icon

emotion icon Photo credit: Łukasz Strachanowski

How can i feel so much frustration towards him and be so in love at the same time. He can be so fucking irritating. Its as if he goes out of his way to annoy me or pick a fight. It’s ridiculous what all I put up with being married to him. Its never too much though because I continue taking it smiling the whole time.
Granted I have been under an unusual amount of stress lately. It hasn’t helped anything knowing that my meds need some serious adjusting.
All things considered, I might be feeling things too intensely. Its possible I am making it worse than it needs to be. I have been having some major mood swings, even I can see that.
Neither one of us know how to handle our current circumstances. I just can’t understand why we have to be at each others throats all the time. Shouldn’t we be a team? Try to work together? Nope. Not us. That would be the right thing to do and we never do things the right way. We have to learn the hard way.
We both have a hard time processing stress. I freak out, get so emotional and have a panic attack resulting in the need for Ativan aka my happy pills. His method to cope is drinking. Whatever he can get to drown out his problems. He wants to be numb and not have to feel any emotion. Showing emotion, to him, is some sort of character defect. It’s the same as telling everyone you are weak. It’s just not acceptable for him.
It didn’t take long for him to revert back to his old self. All his old habits are creeping back around. He went from being so patient and understanding to “I don’t give a shit and your just crazy”
He is back to drinking and trying to lie about it. Like its not completely obvious he’s stumbling around. Not to mention he slurs his words and nods out. Plus you can smell it on him. He insists he has no problem yet still feels the need to lie about it. So why is that?
I hate fighting with him and that seems to be all we ever do anymore. It’s so exhausting. I don’t even know how I’m supposed to react anymore. Everything winds up being my fault anyways. There is no accountability for him.
When did he become the one in control anyways? I used to be the one in control. Or at the very I wasn’t afraid of defending myself.
I used to think I was so much better than him. That no way he could ever get with anyone else. I thought I was the best thing that ever happened to him. I used to tell people I wasn’t afraid of him fucking around regardless of how many times i did it to him. I was the only one dumb enough to sleep with him.
Well he finally had enough if me fucking whoever I wanted while he waited for me to come home. When we broke up this last time he fucked 2 people. Even though I am way Better than the 2 people he slept with. (one of them was a toothless crack head and the other one had the worlds fattest ass. You have to be careful not to get too close or it will suck you in, and nobody would ever see you again.) That showed me huh? Now that he has been with other people I am not so sure of myself.
I’m scared of pissing him off and pushing him away. So now I pretty much do whatever he says. He is becoming quite controlling. He doesn’t like me talking to certain people. He complains I never leave the house then gets mad when I do. He plays it off like he’s looking out for me and just wants to protect me.
Even though he says he trusts me and insists he has forgiven me. His behavior says otherwise. When he drinks enough it’s a whole different story. He holds nothing back. I hear all about how big of a slut I am… And never mind my feelings, according to him all I care about is fucking. He accuses me of wanting to sleep with every guy we know.
He always finds a way of bringing up how I tried to kill myself. He tells me how hard it was for him, how he can’t forget the image of me swallowing all those pulls. He says that the look that I had on my face haunts him. He says that his worst fear is me taking my life.
There are a few major fucked up things that have happened over the years. We remeHe never has any memories of the times he has clearly been in the wrong. We have opposite memories of what happened that day. I distinctly remember him pushing me outside and locking the door telling me I can’t die in his house. When I was in the hospital I wanted nothing more than for him to come comfort me. I needed him and he basically told me to fuck off. According to him he was the concerned husband and he didn’t come to the hospital because he was too scared to see me like that.
Is he just pretending to love me? Is he really afraid I will do something stupid if he actually leaves me?
It makes me wonder if he regrets getting back together and trying to work out our problems. He has told me that he enjoyed his freedom and not having to answer to anyone but himself while we were separated.
Sometimes the way he looks at me or even talks to me, even just the tone of his voice, makes me question his motives for reconciliation in the first place.
No matter what happens. I will never leave him again. I know without a doubt I am in love with him. I want to spend the rest of my life with him. He will have to be the one to end it and the thought of him doing that is absolutely horrifying. You better believe I’m not going out without a fight. FYI: When I want something bad enough I will get it.

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