Dr. Seuss knew all along…

Dr. Seuss Wooden Nickel

Dr. Seuss Wooden Nickel (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

“We are all a little weird and Life’s a little weird..”

 ― Dr. Seuss

“Being crazy isn’t enough.”

― Dr. Seuss

“Why fit in when you were born to stand out?” 

― Dr. Seuss

“Today you are You, that is truer than true. There is no one alive who is Youer than You.” 

― Dr. Seuss

“You’ll miss the best things if you keep your eyes shut.”

― Dr. Seuss

 Signature of Dr. Seuss

                                                                                                                         

 

How wonderful it is, that I am never going to be anything but me. You will never be anything but you. What a blessing. No two people are the same. Life is a collection of moments unique to the individual. Embedded in our memories and kept alive in the memories of others. Our life is real because of our experiences. I am where I am because of where I have been. You are where you are because of  where you have been. Nobody really “fits in”. Everyone is longing for a meaning.

Some of the most talented people were viewed as insane. How boring our existence would be without all the so called “Crazies” The truth is if you dig deep enough, you will discover there is crazy in all of us.

Embrace uncertainties. Welcome the chaos. Learn a lesson. Take a chance and enjoy the ride. Create those everlasting memories. Your life is yours to live, so be yourself and Just live it.

~ Survey About Simply Me….

Long Distance Relationships

Long Distance Relationships Photo credit: valordictus

Sleep with or without clothes on?

   Without

Prefer black or blue pens?

  Black

Dress up on Halloween?

 Occasionally

Like to travel?

 Absolutely

Like Someone?

 Yes

Do they know?

   I would hope so lol

Who sleeps with you every night?

 Husband and my dog

Think you’re attractive?

  Not so much

Want to get married?

  already have

To:

 My husband

Are you a good student?

 Not in highschool

Are you currently happy?

  Depends on the day

Have you ever cheated?? Been cheated on?

 Yes and Yes

Birthplace?

 Eugene Oregon

Christmas or Halloween?

 Halloween (its my daughter’s birthday)

Colored or black-and-white photo?

  black and white

Do long distance relationships work?

 No

Do you believe in astrology?

 Yes

Do you believe in love at first sight?

  Rare I’m sure

Do you consider yourself the life of the party?

 No quite the opposite

Do you drink?

  Not these days I hate drunks!

Do you make fun of people?

 Sad to say I have

Do you think dreams eventually come true?

 If you work hard enough

Favorite fictional character?

 Tinkerbell

Go to the movies or rent?

 Rent

Have you ever moved?

   Too often

Have you ever stolen anything?

 Yep I wasnt the best teenager lol

How’s the weather right now?

  Cold

Last time you cut your hair?

 about a year ago

Last person you talked to on the phone?

  my sister

Last time you showered?

  this am

Loud or soft music?

  Loud

Mcdonalds or Burger King?

  Mcdonalds

Night or day?

 Night

Number of pillows?

  3

Piano or guitar?

 Guitar

Future job?

 Idk

Current job?

 none

Current love?

   My husband

Current longing?

  to be normal

Current disappointment?

  my husbands behavior

Current annoyance?

  my husbands behavior

Last thing you ate?

 crunch berry cereal

Last thing you bought?

 milk

Most recent thing you are looking forward to?

  sleep

What are you hearing right now?

 kids

Plans for the weekend?

 staying home

What did you do today?

  cleaned the kitchen

Pick a lyric, any lyric or song?

 You know that Im a crazy bitch?…I do what I want when I feel like it…. All I want to do is loose control…. Oh,oh  But you dont really give a shit.. You go with it, go with it, go with it…. ’cause your fucking crazy… rock’n’ roll

 

~As if life wasn’t bad enough~

Fuck you cards.

Fuck you cards. Photo credit: m.k.

I am amazed at how quickly and efficiently I can fuck things up. This time I really did it though. I managed to fuck up big time!! I don’t know what to do. I am not suicidal I just want to die. For some reason I don’t think dying wold be a sufficient enough punishment. I’m just sooo tired of being me. I don’t want to be this way. I feel like i am being pulled in two directions and I cant fight anymore. I just want to give up. I am even taking my medication this time. So what excuses do I have now???
I am not stupid yet I keep putting myself in stupid situations.  I am scared, and depressed, and pissed off. I am so mad at myself.  We have no way of paying our bills this month Why? because I Spent all of our money on video poker. I don’t know how I thought it was a good Idea to spend our rent money on video poker. I really believed I was going to win, and win BIG! I was going to win enough to cover all of our bills. Looking back on it, I know it was a ridiculous idea. I am constantly saying how stupid people are to gamble and blow their money like that, but at the time I knew I was going to win. Well I didn’t.. I lost and lost BIG!

We are receiving $721.00 cash a month from TANF, and 779.00 in food stamps. This is our only source of income and doesn’t even cover our rent. When we got this months TANF we put gas in the car. Then went to the store and bought Soap, Shampoo, Laundry soap and all the non food items we needed. That left us with about $620.00. Pretty stressfull as is then comes our electric bill $400.00.
I started freaking out trying to come up with a way to pay our bills. Then I remembered that one of the first times I played video poker I won $275.00 off of $5.00. That was it!…… If I played $20.00 I would definitely win enough to cover everything. I had to.
I left my house around 3:00 in the afternoon and headed straight to play some video poker. Once I got there the place was empty. That meant I had my pick of the machines. This must be a good sign right?? I found my favorite game, got myself all situated and began to play.
Just as quickly as I put the $20.00 in the machine, it was gone. This didn’t alarm me I thought maybe it needed to warm up. If I play a little more I will definitely win. In went the next $20.00. I lost it too. I thought if I keep playing It has to pay out soon. So in went another $20.00. Now I was getting nervous but Its too late to stop I have to keep playing until I win. I put in another $20.00, and another, and another….. This continued over and over until all the money was gone. I spent everything.
I just sat there staring at the machine. It was unbelievable. I felt so nauseous, how did I do this? What am I supposed to do now?. I can’t go home and face my family. I cant tell them that I just made everything worse.
At 9:00 pm I felt a tap on my shoulder. It was my husband he asked me how much I spent. I was afraid to tell him the truth so I said I only spent $20.00 and I was winning. He said that I should come home it was a week day and the kids have school in the morning. So I did. I went home with him.I didn’t want to go home. I wanted to run away, just start driving somewhere and never stop. If he hadn’t came and found me I wouldn’t have come home. I’m not sure where I would have gone. I hadn’t figured that part out yet, but I definitely decided I wouldn’t go home.
I have put my family through so much shit already. I am constantly hurting people and my family doesn’t deserve it. They deserve better than me. I am so disgusted with myself. I have no way to fix this. I have exhausted all the local agencies that help out family’s in need. Plus the family members that usually bail me out of my financial fuck ups say they don’t have the money. I’m sure they are tired of fixing all my problems for me anyway. Especially because I always promise to pay it back or say its the last time and it wont happen again. The fucked up part is I really believe it at the time. I don’t want to depend on them to take care of me.
Why do I keep winding up in situations like this? Haven’t I caused enough drama in everyone’s life? When will it stop? I am so depressed I cant leave my room. I want to sleep it all away. I really hate myself right now. I feel so fucking worthless. This time I hurt my kids. How am I going to explain this to them? I cant even think about it without crying. I am afraid to tell my husband. He might really leave me this time. Fuck. I would leave him. I would be so tired of putting up with everything I put him through. I would pack up the kids and leave.

UPDATE:
I told my husband. Hes not leaving me, but hes not happy with me. He actually didn’t say much, he was at a loss of words which is scary considering he is always talking and never shuts up. I would have rather him yell and tell me how stupid I am. I think hes shocked and just doesn’t want to believe it.

~ Craigslist Casual Encounters~

Knowing how wrong it is, excites me. I’m drawn to them, like a moth is drawn to light. I am very good at creating problems, especially when things are going good. Self sabotaging in a way.
I am beginning to realize I have a major problem with sex. Besides the pleasure, sex makes me feel worthy, like I have a purpose. Not just any sex either. I like it best when it feels wrong. I am ok with not using protection and I actually get a rush from taking chances. I was at the health clinic just about every weekend, as a teen, to get the morning after pill.
This, risky behavior, goes all the way back to when I lost my virginity. I was 12, hadn’t even started my period yet, and ran away from home with the sole purpose of loosing my virginity. My best friend at the time introduced me to one of her boyfriends friends over the phone. I talked to him for a few days told him i wanted to loose my virginity and he was all for being my first. He was 21. I remember just laying there not knowing what I was supposed to do. It didn’t hurt, but it didn’t feel good either. I didn’t understand all the hype. After he finished and got off of me, I went outside sat on the stairs and just started crying. Some guy started walking up the stairs I bummed a cigarette off him. He sat with me didn’t ask what was wrong but it was still comforting. So when he said he would keep me company if I came back inside I didn’t hesitate to follow. I don’t remember how it happened but I had sex with him too. Later I found out he was 17 and the brother of the first guy I slept with.
It didn’t get any better after that. Sex became kind of like a competition between my friends. I was always trying to out do somebody. The more extreme, the sluttier, the better. I slept with older men. I slept with my friends boyfriends. I was sneaking out my window, as well as sneaking guys in. The thrill was in the possibility of getting caught.
I hooked up with men off live links, (that was before Craigslist) and told them I was 18. Then after they slept with me I told them my real age. I have had numerous one nighters and slept with guys that didn’t even tell me their name. I had sex in public places, sex in porn booths, churches, stolen cars, even schools, and all before I was 18.
My husband was no exception. I was dating his cousin (my first love) before we hooked up. Before my husband and I hooked up I had sex with his cousin while he laid in bed next to us. I wasn’t really into my husband at first, but he had drugs and when I am high all I want to do is have sex, for hours and hours, until im so exhausted that I can’t move anymore.
I have never been faithful to any guy I dated. I stayed with a guy just until I found someone I liked better. I always cheated, and continued to cheat even after getting married.
I have cheated on my husband 11 times. I always found a way to make it my husbands fault too. He wasnt spending time with me, he drank too much, he didn’t have a job. I looked for anything I could to justify my behavior. I was wrong. There is no justification. I fucked up. Whatever he was doing at the time, he was not responsible for the way i was acting.
I hooked up with guys that I thought were cuter, or guys that had a job, or guys that I felt I had a connection with. I even slept with guys that claimed to be his friend. Nothing ever lasted, and my husband always took me back.
I should no better but once again, I found myself responding, and posting, to casual encounters. Not sure if it’s desperation or boredom. I still find myself wanting something better, something more exiting, something that’s not mine and might not even exist.
I thought I wanted to hook up with someone and got a response from a normal guy. Of all places to meet a decent person lol. He actually gave me some good advice. He made me reevaluate my situation and make a little more since of things. One thing he said that really stuck was “you don’t always have to do something” it was pretty powerful statement. He was absolutely right. I always feel like I have to do something, and that something causes more problems than its worth……

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