Waiting for happily ever after

I know its still early… but since I stopped using, I go to bed a lot earlier. It dosnt matter what time it us I have no problems sleeping.Lol not tonight. Tonight fucking sucks im in such an irritable mood I want to go to sleep but my mind wont shut the fuck up. I hate everyone around me I keep telling myself its temporary but I dont think anyone could tolerate these people as long as I have. If I wasnt already crazy I would fear loosing my mind. I just want a life back. I feel like I am falling down a hole and as soon as I think im going to hit bottom I  just start falling faster. I wish I could go back and do things different, everytime I start thinking about it I just want to die. I want this chapter in my life to be over. I am ready for happily ever after.

Life today

Life is not predicable wheresoever…. For some this may seem like common sense, not for me. Lol I am an expert at learning things the hard way, and for myself through petsonal hardships, regardless of the many warnings from others and the many lectures frim loved ones it never prevented me from fucking up on my own/ learning my own lesson. So here I am almost 30 and realizing I can not predict the future and am in control if a lot less than I believed to be in control of. For the record life is looking good. Lol

One day at a time

So I finally started treatment 1 on 1 sessions, my anxiety is extreemly greatful. I attended an all womens 12 step meeting by myself and.introduced my self. ( for those.that dont know me… Its a pretty big fucking deal!) My anxiety has caused major obstacles in my recovery. Im at 31 days clean today. Yay me!!. I Have a Sponser with 22 years clean, which to me is a damn miracle.
So now im no longer In denial about my disease, I am willing and open even eager to start living a sober life, and really live.
Im struggling with trust and oppening up completely. ” life on lifes terms” scares the hell out of me. I am having a hard time relying on my higher power for guidence. I still find myself trying ti control and destroy my progress.
I have been building a sober peer.support group so I have people I can call or see when things become too much. I am greatful for Na and everyone who has adsisted in showing me how to get helo.

Looks are deceiving

Dont just listen to someones words, and believe you jnow who they are. To really know someone you have to look closer, be aware of, and even feel what they are not saying. Only then can you know who someone really is.

Not a game

I am sooo glad its almost over. I will come out on top just wait and see, all of you that think your winning are exactly where I want you to be. Just keep doing what your doing blindly believing your right. You have no fucking clue how wrong you are but soon enough I will let you know. This aint a game anymore….

I still need you

I am bipolar, have severe anxiety disorder and am an addict. I have made some major mistakes in my life and am trying to fix myself. I am in counseling, seeing a MD regularly for medication management, I am in treatment and attending n.a. Meetings. I hate the person I was and am struggleing to figure out who I am. I have so many intense feelings I am not used to having and really suck at expressing. I blog to help process my emotions and just get it all out. I dont mean to offend anyone especially my dad. I have a really amazing dad. I dont think he knows how much he really means to me. Growing up everyone told me I was so much like him, like it was a bad thing but I never seen it that way. He is one of the strongest people I know and if I had to choose someone to be like it would be him. I know I will recover and my life will be amazing because of my dad.

Sober lesson

Its always surprising the way things turn out. I am learning how to live life sober, not easy, just saying lol. Im learning how important it is to be honest and make ammends, to be accountable for your fuck UPS and not keep secrets from the people you love. Yet the people who have been teaching me to be honest dont feel its necessary to follow the same rules. Its ok for them to keep secrets, so why is that? How can you expect someone to trust you and be honest with you when you are not being honest with them. I have come to the conclusion that the people in my life I could count on are not really there for me. Its really kinda sad the people who are here for me and really want me to succeed are the ones I least expected. I dont know I think the whole reason im posting is to acknowledge that life, and people are not always what they seem to be. Learning that has been extremely useful in my recovery.

Sober lesson

Its always surprising the way things turn out. I am learning how to live life sober, not easy, just saying lol. Im learning how important it is to be honest and make ammends, to be accountable for your fuck UPS and not keep secrets from the people you love. Yet the people who have been teaching me to be honest dont feel its necessary to follow the same rules. Its ok for them to keep secrets, so why is that? How can you expect someone to trust you and be honest with you when you are not being honest with them. I have come to the conclusion that the people in my life I could count on are not really there for me. Its really kinda sad the people who are here for me and really want me to succeed are the ones I least expected. I dont know I think the whole reason im posting is to acknowledge that life, and people are not always what they seem to be. Learning that has been extremely useful in my recovery.

Ramblings of an Insomniac lol

Been a while since I couldn’t sleep. Im not sure if its the coffee, or my mind just not wanting to turn off. So much is going on in my life right now, its hard to stay focused. I seen my dad today, which was nice, considering not to long ago he told me never to call or text him again. He was upset because our last phone conversation ended with me hanging up in him. He said something that was really hurtful and I just didnt want to hear any more. He wasnt intending to hurt me thats just how I took it. I have been overly emotional lately and am having a rough time trusting people. Even people who have never given me a reason not to trust them, people who have always loved and supported me. I dont know what my issue is. Im going to marriage counseling and my husband finally went to the doctor and is getting in meds our relationship is getting better so thats good. I started attending a parentung class with a bunch of women in similar situations, which allows an extra visitation with my kids. Super excited about that. I start treatment next week, not sure what to expect but more than willing to go. I just want this nightmare to be over. I miss my kids, I want to tell them im sorry that I have caused so much chaos in their life and want them to know they dont deserve it and its not their fault. Im so greatful my family has my kids and the state did not place them with strangers. My sister is a saint. She has 2 kids and took in my 3 kids. She now has 5 kids my 3 are age 10, 8, & 6, hers are 3 & 6. No questuons asked she wouldnt have it any other way. My dads have been making a 2 hour drive frim their home to hers rather frequently to help out as much as possible. It makes it easier to do what I need to do to recover and stay sober knowing my kids ate safe. I have heard so many horror stories about foster care, so its very reassuring im doing the right thing. It took me a while to come to terms with the fact that I cant care for my kids, without taking care of myself first. Im worried about my dad Im afraid hes not telling Me something, not sure exactly what or why but somethings off with him for sure. Im finally getting sleepy so thats it for this post. Good night readers lol.

Autamata This song is amazing….

Lyrics to Out Of This by Autamata :

I will confront you at last you dreaded empty
When I met you in others I fell in love
From the cradle, to the bottle, to the needle to the bed
We all need something to deliver us from dread

But I believe in truth

Out of this noise, here comes the stillness
Out of this chaos, here comes the order
Out of this language, out of this language
Out of these words

And a hollow man leaves you empty-handed
With fingers carved from Asian ivory
From the cradle, to the treadmill, to the rocker, to the last sigh
Some are made happy when something dies

Out of this noise, here comes the stillness
Out of this chaos, here comes the order
Out of this language, out of this language
Out of these words

Shitsujo, seijaku, shinjitsu
Shitsujo, seijaku, shinjitsu, shinjitsu

Out of patience, out of deed
Out of courage, out of me
Out of reason, out of truth
Out of conscience, out of you

Konran kara shitsujo ga umare
Soon kara seijaku ga umareru
Shinjitsu wa ai o umu

Out of this…