Waiting for happily ever after

I know its still early… but since I stopped using, I go to bed a lot earlier. It dosnt matter what time it us I have no problems sleeping.Lol not tonight. Tonight fucking sucks im in such an irritable mood I want to go to sleep but my mind wont shut the fuck up. I hate everyone around me I keep telling myself its temporary but I dont think anyone could tolerate these people as long as I have. If I wasnt already crazy I would fear loosing my mind. I just want a life back. I feel like I am falling down a hole and as soon as I think im going to hit bottom I  just start falling faster. I wish I could go back and do things different, everytime I start thinking about it I just want to die. I want this chapter in my life to be over. I am ready for happily ever after.

One day at a time

So I finally started treatment 1 on 1 sessions, my anxiety is extreemly greatful. I attended an all womens 12 step meeting by myself and.introduced my self. ( for those.that dont know me… Its a pretty big fucking deal!) My anxiety has caused major obstacles in my recovery. Im at 31 days clean today. Yay me!!. I Have a Sponser with 22 years clean, which to me is a damn miracle.
So now im no longer In denial about my disease, I am willing and open even eager to start living a sober life, and really live.
Im struggling with trust and oppening up completely. ” life on lifes terms” scares the hell out of me. I am having a hard time relying on my higher power for guidence. I still find myself trying ti control and destroy my progress.
I have been building a sober peer.support group so I have people I can call or see when things become too much. I am greatful for Na and everyone who has adsisted in showing me how to get helo.

Not a game

I am sooo glad its almost over. I will come out on top just wait and see, all of you that think your winning are exactly where I want you to be. Just keep doing what your doing blindly believing your right. You have no fucking clue how wrong you are but soon enough I will let you know. This aint a game anymore….

Simply not simple

So I seem to be repeating myself a lot lately. What i keep saying is “whats simple for you isnt simplr for me” As frustrating as it is, its kinda funny too. People can’t understand why I have panic attacks and why my anxiety is so dibilitating. Because its not a tangable didability im treated like its not that bad. I have actually had friends tell me to shake it off, ir snap out of it. Everyone expects answers from me and my response is if I knew what the cause was or had any clue on how to fix me, I would be fixing myself LOL.
   I just want everyone to realize that I struggle daily. It is real and so not easy. I’m not giving up I have faith I will get through it. I know I will survive. Some days are harder than others but, the biggest issue for me is, when people have a hard time accepting that what they consider to be a simple task is not a simple task for me. Just making a phone call sometimes is too much. It is what it is…
I found these lyrics on line and thought they summed up my whole mood. ENJOY. 

LYRICS to Its Not Easy

By Five For Fighting

    I can’t stand to fly I’m not that naive I’m just out to find The better part of me

I’m more than a bird…I’m more than a plane More than some pretty face beside a train It’s not easy to be me

Wish that I could cry Fall upon my knees Find a way to lie About a home I’ll never see

It may sound absurd…but don’t be naive Even Heroes have the right to bleed I may be disturbed…but won’t you concede Even Heroes have the right to dream It’s not easy to be me

Up, up and away…away from me It’s all right…You can all sleep sound tonight I’m not crazy…or anything…

I can’t stand to fly I’m not that naive Men weren’t meant to ride With clouds between their knees

I’m only a man in a silly red sheet Digging for kryptonite on this one way street Only a man in a funny red sheet Looking for special things inside of me

It’s not easy to be me.

~ Anxious anticipation ~

Anxiety Disorders Association of America (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

So today was the day, the day I had my phone appointment to apply for ssi and Ssdi both. They are two differant types of disability benefits. So we will see what happens next. I applied on my own in September 2011 and I was denied, since then I have gotten worse. So this time I have an advocate from the dhs office assigned to me, she will be with me through every step until I receive benefits. So that’s pretty cool. In fact she was the one who set up the phone appointment for me, and said that she can come to me for future appointments. That is such a huge stress reliever, god how I dred appointments or meetings. It didn’t matter what I do or say I have a panic attack every time. It doesn’t happen the same way every time, but it never fails to happen. Sometimes it happens in the car on my way there, sometimes it happens in the waiting room once I arrive, sometimes it happens furring the appointment. I don’t understand why it happens to me. It’s so frustrating. It hasn’t always been this bad. I can remember having anxiety in high school when I was in a new group setting or alone someplace with people I didn’t know. For example: a new class or going to the cafeteria by myself. I remember having severe anxiety whenever I was expected to speak I front of the class. I know a lot of people get nervous before a presentation but what happened to me was so much more than the usual nervousness. Days before my turn to present I would start feeling nauseous and dizzy. When I imagined my self doing the presentation I would start shaking, get short of breath , my heart would beat erratically. I felt flushed and like I was going to pass out. I knew I would pass out, if not have a heart attack if I actually did the presentation so I wouldn’t go to class the days I had to present something.
I know every Job I have ever had the “meetings” whatever they were about or how ever big they were it didn’t make a difference. I panic in them. It’s pretty bad too I start shaking my voice gets quiet and sounds crackly. I have a difficult time getting the right words to come out if my mouth, I will say things all twisted up. Like if I tried saying ” there you go” it might come out as ” you there go” . Plus I start shaking, at times pretty hard too, I remember one time trying to write my name on the sign in sheet, when i finished i looked down at it and it was barely recognizable as a name if any kind. All my shaking caused it to look like a bunch of squiggly lines, not letters. I am convinced everyone thinks something is wrong with me, like I’m retarded, I actually hear people laugh and whisper. I know that it’s about me. I usually get paranoid that my breath stinks so I avoid talking and h
Chew a lot of gum.
Over the years it has gotten worse for me. Now I have been told I have agoraphobia. So my anxiety of social situations has progressed to the point where I am now having an extremely difficult time leaving the house at all. I avoid leaving in fear of having a panic attack.
Anxiously anticipating when I will have a counselor that will be coming to my home, so I can’t panic my way out of the appointments, and can finally start working through some of my issues.

~WARNING: I just might and then what???~

You tell me that I have given you reasons to not trust me and that I continue to give you reasons not to trust me. I know I have done shit in the past. Whatever. We agreed to move past that. How long is it really necessary to hate yourself for mistakes you have made in the past? How long is it ok to be judged by others because of them?? Frankly I’m tiered of it. Im so done being the one constantly hurting, and regretting my behavior, and constantly trying to fix shit that shouldnt even be an issue any more.
You are so far from perfect yourself. You seem to forget the fucked up shit you have done to me. How convenient..
I don’t know how much longer I’m realistically going to be able to put up with it. This shit is what pushes me into doing something in the first place. Its been a fucking pattern this whole time and you fail to recognize your part in anything. Maybe in between your nice “buzzed beer drinking nice guy” personality and your Im sober life sucks so im a dick to everyone personality, you can make more if an effort to show a little compassion for someone else. Try to understand what i am going through. God knows I am constantly making excuses for you, constantly justifying your behavior yet you are still convinced that I am doing something wrong. I do bad want to say Fuck you.
Why is it so hard for you to believe that I only want to have sex with you. I am not sleeping with any of your friends. That just because one of your friends looks at me and makes you feel uncomfortable doesn’t mean I’m wanting to fuck him. Only when I get accused of it do I wonder what it would be like if I did. I think if i fuck him then left you and we hooked up I doubt he would treat me like this. Shit part of you is convinced I did it already so maybe I should. I should get some fun out of all the constant accusations. I’m pretty sure he would never tell you and I know I could fuck him it wouldn’t be hard. He’s made his interest known.
I even changed my clothes, even though i felt i shouldn’t have to. You asked me to do I did. I don’t want to give you a reason not to trust me. I put on long baggy shorts and a big t-shirt to make sure I was covered up. That didn’t seem good enough. You still questioned me. It was like because I changed I just confirmed that I shouldn’t have been dressed that way to begin with.

~FML~

FMyLife logo (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

well we just recieved our 72 hour notice to move if we dont pay $750.00 rent and $50.00 late fee. On top of that he has added a $150.00 notice delivery charge. we knew it was coming. I fucked off what little money we had by  gambleing. We didnt have enough money to pay all the bills that were due. I was just trying to get enough money to cover what we didnt have. I didnt win and while I was playing I knew I was losing but it didnt make a
differance I couldnt stop myself. Fuck my life!
I feel sick.  All the local services that could help are unable to. Its such bull shit. I dont know what to say or do its pointless now. FML
Oh my husband has not drank today, that alone would usually be enough to put him in a bad mood but it hasnt. He is back to being super sweet and we are not fighting kinda strange….. Who could have guessed that such fucked up circumstances could have a positive effect on our marriage.
My husband has been unbelievable trying to reassure me everything is going to work out. Surprisingly he was acting like a grown up this time. He literally had to take my phone from me last night, to prevent me from making anything worse. I was acting like such a spoiled child. I was getting myself all worked up over a text message from my dad that I completely took the wrong way. Then I tried to convince my husband everything was my dads fault for being this way and that my dad should fix everything. Like he hasn’t helped us out a hundred times already. I think my husband just had too much of my bullshit and was done listening to my “poor me” shit any longer. He took control of the situation. Thank god I wasn’t able to make it worse.

~As if life wasn’t bad enough~

Fuck you cards. Photo credit: m.k.

I am amazed at how quickly and efficiently I can fuck things up. This time I really did it though. I managed to fuck up big time!! I don’t know what to do. I am not suicidal I just want to die. For some reason I don’t think dying wold be a sufficient enough punishment. I’m just sooo tired of being me. I don’t want to be this way. I feel like i am being pulled in two directions and I cant fight anymore. I just want to give up. I am even taking my medication this time. So what excuses do I have now???
I am not stupid yet I keep putting myself in stupid situations.  I am scared, and depressed, and pissed off. I am so mad at myself.  We have no way of paying our bills this month Why? because I Spent all of our money on video poker. I don’t know how I thought it was a good Idea to spend our rent money on video poker. I really believed I was going to win, and win BIG! I was going to win enough to cover all of our bills. Looking back on it, I know it was a ridiculous idea. I am constantly saying how stupid people are to gamble and blow their money like that, but at the time I knew I was going to win. Well I didn’t.. I lost and lost BIG!

We are receiving $721.00 cash a month from TANF, and 779.00 in food stamps. This is our only source of income and doesn’t even cover our rent. When we got this months TANF we put gas in the car. Then went to the store and bought Soap, Shampoo, Laundry soap and all the non food items we needed. That left us with about $620.00. Pretty stressfull as is then comes our electric bill $400.00.
I started freaking out trying to come up with a way to pay our bills. Then I remembered that one of the first times I played video poker I won $275.00 off of $5.00. That was it!…… If I played $20.00 I would definitely win enough to cover everything. I had to.
I left my house around 3:00 in the afternoon and headed straight to play some video poker. Once I got there the place was empty. That meant I had my pick of the machines. This must be a good sign right?? I found my favorite game, got myself all situated and began to play.
Just as quickly as I put the $20.00 in the machine, it was gone. This didn’t alarm me I thought maybe it needed to warm up. If I play a little more I will definitely win. In went the next $20.00. I lost it too. I thought if I keep playing It has to pay out soon. So in went another $20.00. Now I was getting nervous but Its too late to stop I have to keep playing until I win. I put in another $20.00, and another, and another….. This continued over and over until all the money was gone. I spent everything.
I just sat there staring at the machine. It was unbelievable. I felt so nauseous, how did I do this? What am I supposed to do now?. I can’t go home and face my family. I cant tell them that I just made everything worse.
At 9:00 pm I felt a tap on my shoulder. It was my husband he asked me how much I spent. I was afraid to tell him the truth so I said I only spent $20.00 and I was winning. He said that I should come home it was a week day and the kids have school in the morning. So I did. I went home with him.I didn’t want to go home. I wanted to run away, just start driving somewhere and never stop. If he hadn’t came and found me I wouldn’t have come home. I’m not sure where I would have gone. I hadn’t figured that part out yet, but I definitely decided I wouldn’t go home.
I have put my family through so much shit already. I am constantly hurting people and my family doesn’t deserve it. They deserve better than me. I am so disgusted with myself. I have no way to fix this. I have exhausted all the local agencies that help out family’s in need. Plus the family members that usually bail me out of my financial fuck ups say they don’t have the money. I’m sure they are tired of fixing all my problems for me anyway. Especially because I always promise to pay it back or say its the last time and it wont happen again. The fucked up part is I really believe it at the time. I don’t want to depend on them to take care of me.
Why do I keep winding up in situations like this? Haven’t I caused enough drama in everyone’s life? When will it stop? I am so depressed I cant leave my room. I want to sleep it all away. I really hate myself right now. I feel so fucking worthless. This time I hurt my kids. How am I going to explain this to them? I cant even think about it without crying. I am afraid to tell my husband. He might really leave me this time. Fuck. I would leave him. I would be so tired of putting up with everything I put him through. I would pack up the kids and leave.

UPDATE:
I told my husband. Hes not leaving me, but hes not happy with me. He actually didn’t say much, he was at a loss of words which is scary considering he is always talking and never shuts up. I would have rather him yell and tell me how stupid I am. I think hes shocked and just doesn’t want to believe it.

~Am I sick????~

Rethink Mental Illness (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

~Calm yourself~

I have so many thoughts I want to write about, but as soon as I start writing I forget what I wanted to write about. My mind is moving faster than I can write. Just as fast as a thought pops into my head it’s quickly replaced by another one.
I am kind of depressed today. No reason for it. I’m just bummed. I wonder if I am aloud to be angry without people thinking I am manic. I can be mad just to be mad. It doesn’t always have to mean something. Right? Is this just part of being bipolar? Should I expect people to assume I am sinking into a major depression every time I’m sad? I worry about being too happy because people will think I’m manic. I feel like I’m not supposed to feel anything because if I do people are going to start thinking I need my meds adjusted. I usually don’t care if people know I’m bipolar. Its never been a secret.I have always been open about it. Lately I’m not do sure. I seem to be surrounded by some of the worlds most ignorant people. People that think that they are experts in every area, when they really have no idea what they are talking about. These people think they know what I need or how to handle me. It’s so frustrating sometimes. One of these days I’m going to tell these people where to stick it, if I don’t loose my temper and punch them in the face first. Thank god for blogging. I am able to rant on until I have calmed down.