~Much more than Monday~

Come Monday

Come Monday (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

On top of our regularly busy Monday, today has been extra  eventful. We slept through the alarm going off, so the day started out pretty yucky. Everyone was bickering with each other because we had to rush around getting the kids ready and to school. Then we had a surprise visit from our “counselor”. I’m not sure I know his official title, all I do know is, he’s here because someone called the state claiming we were not taking care of our kids and using drugs. The accusations were immediately proven to be wrong.
Since they had come to our house they were now able to assist our family if we needed any assistance. There is a lot of helpful services available that we knew nothing about. You would have to be an idiot to refuse some of these services. We volunteered to have someone come to our house and assist us with making routines, and schedules. Help with getting the kids to do some chores around the house and get them to listen a little more. Our life was begging for some structure.
The “counselor” that has been coming by, typically on Tuesdays and Thursdays, is absolutely wonderful. I wasn’t completely thrilled at first just the thought of someone I don’t know coming in to my home and telling me how to do things better, was a bit intimidating.   It has proven to be a really positive experience for our family.
The “counselor” has this way of suggesting an alternative method to the way you would normally handle a situation, without seeming like he knows better. Even without making you feel bad for the way you have been handling it. He kinda just throws ideas out there and lets you choose what will work best for you. He really has a gift.
My kids are currently all sleeping in their own rooms and they don’t put up too big of a fight when I ask them to help out with some chores. Every one gets along a little better. We don’t want him to leave. We enjoy having him around so much that we talked him in to coming by for an additional 4 more weeks.
While he was here today he asked about my panic attacks, and how often I have them. I told him just about every time I leave the house. I am able to go to the store if we have a specific purpose and I am with someone I know. I have a particularly difficult time with appointments or meetings. It has gotten so bad that my psychiatrist actually dropped me as a patient because I have missed one too many appointments.
I don’t know why it happens. I schedule an appointment with every intention of attending. Many times I have gone to an appointment or meeting, even made it as far as checking in then something changes. I get all panicky and have to leave. Occasionally while driving to an appointment or meeting, before I can even pull in the parking lot I start panicking. I immediately have to turn the car around and go back home.
It has been really difficult because I really want to go to some of these appointments. Like my psychologist. I would not have fucked that up on purpose. I explained to the “counselor” I need to see  someone  regularly and I need to be discussing with someone the effectiveness of my medications.
That is when the “counselor” suggested trying to pull some strings and get me seen where he works quicker. He said they can even come to my house if that is what is needed. So I am pretty excited that I will be able to discuss some stuff with someone soon and start working through some of my issues.

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~Shut up head! Its time to sleep~

One of several versions of the painting "...

One of several versions of the painting "The Scream". The National Gallery, Oslo, Norway. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

So I just took an ativan, my little happy pill. I woke up having an anxiety attack. Seriously? I don’t even sleep normally. I’m no stranger to bad dreams. At least once a month my husband has to shake me awake because I am whimpering. In my dream I know I’m dreaming, so I will tell myself to wake up repeatedly and, according to my husband, it ends up sounding like a dying animal.

  Usually After having a bad dream and being shook awake by my startled and concerned husband, I am able to cuddle up next to him and fall back asleep. All I need is him to wrap his arms around me and I sleep the rest of the night without a problem. Oh and I have to cover up my arms. I have come to the conclusion that if I sleep with my arms uncovered and they get cold It will result in me having a bad dream. Every time I have had a bad dream, when I wake up my arms are cold.
   Well this times not my usual. This time is different I cant go back to sleep. No matter what I do, watch TV, read, blog, its not working. My mind wont shut up. My head is full of thoughts. Thoughts that move so fast I cant even make sense of everything. My head is throbbing. I think its causing a migraine.
   Its Monday. The beginning of a new week. Spring break is over and the kids go back to school. I am excited for that lol. I look forward to my quiet mornings when kids are at school. I have an appointment at 1:00 with someone to help me fill out disability paperwork. The Kids and I all have doctors appointments and dentist appointments scheduled this month.
  I have been having major stomach aches and digestion issues too, and I think its a little more than stress causing it. It has been bothering me for a while. I haven’t scheduled an appointment with my doctor to have it checked out. I have convinced myself its because I am too busy tending to more important things. When its actually because I have anxiety so bad I cant even call to schedule a damn appointment for myself.
   Everything scares me lately. I will be posting how everything ends up. For now I need to turn my computer off and lay here with my eyes closed. Eventually I will fall asleep right? I mean that’s what I tell my kids lol.

~Am I sick????~

~Just because~

Posting because its been a while since I posted something. I am pretty bummed out lately. Over all life is pretty damn sucky. I missed my appointment with my psychiatrist to re evaluate my medications. That was the 3rd no call no show appointment so they sent me a letter saying he will no longer see me as a patient. At first I didn’t care because we are moving to Portland and I will have to get a new doctor anyways. Plus my meds are working and I have plenty of them. Well now I am not so sure. I really liked him and have a hard time finding a doctor I like. I don’t know what I’m supposed to do now. I’m so stressed out. I am not looking forward to doctor shopping. I really should have gone to that appointment. I don’t think we are moving. I have been looking for places constantly. It’s either out of our price range or we don’t qualify so I think we might be stuck here. I have not talked to my dads or sister in a while. I’m not intentionally avoiding them it just seems to be how it happens. I am pretty good at pushing people away and even better at isolating myself.

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