One day at a time

So I finally started treatment 1 on 1 sessions, my anxiety is extreemly greatful. I attended an all womens 12 step meeting by myself and.introduced my self. ( for those.that dont know me… Its a pretty big fucking deal!) My anxiety has caused major obstacles in my recovery. Im at 31 days clean today. Yay me!!. I Have a Sponser with 22 years clean, which to me is a damn miracle.
So now im no longer In denial about my disease, I am willing and open even eager to start living a sober life, and really live.
Im struggling with trust and oppening up completely. ” life on lifes terms” scares the hell out of me. I am having a hard time relying on my higher power for guidence. I still find myself trying ti control and destroy my progress.
I have been building a sober peer.support group so I have people I can call or see when things become too much. I am greatful for Na and everyone who has adsisted in showing me how to get helo.

Not a game

I am sooo glad its almost over. I will come out on top just wait and see, all of you that think your winning are exactly where I want you to be. Just keep doing what your doing blindly believing your right. You have no fucking clue how wrong you are but soon enough I will let you know. This aint a game anymore….

Grateful

Happy to report my husband is back to being the super sweet sexy man I fell in love with. I love being married and having someone by side when things get hard. Our youngest kid has been having really bad tummy aches I have been to the emergency room twice and his pediatrician 3 timil all. This was definitely one of those moments I was happy to be married. Its scarry for me to have blood drawn. For a 6 year old its a whole new level of scary. We tried explaining to him what  was going to happen and why it was important. We told him they needed to take some blood so they could do some tests and try to find out what was giving him tummy aches. He asked what they used to get the blood, I said they had a special thing they used.
My husband had our son on his lap holding him while a nurse held his arm down so the phlebotomist could draw his blood. I was trying to distract him so he wouldn’t look, but it didn’t work.
The minute he saw the needle he screamed and kicked he screamed ” ahh its a needle they’re going to kill me” his dad had to calm him down and tell him thats not going to happen. I was freaked out and pretty much useless.
After it was over our son asked if they were going to give him his blood back after they did their tests. He’s so cute.
I’m still laughing.

Is sorry enough

Last night was horrible! As dedicated as I am to making my marriage work, no matter what!  Last night I almost gave up. I hate alcohol. I hate what it does to people. I hate who my husband becomes when he drinks. He was an absolute prick. Why should I spend all night crying afraid to fall asleep because the people he was fighting with might come back and he’s passed out drunk?
At 3am I told him I wanted to go to bed, and asked if he would come to bed with me. His response: he was two inches from my face ansld screamed fuck you. Seriously? Wtf
I started shaking and crying and thinking do I really deserve this? Am I that pathetic? Why can’t I just walk away? Will it always be this way? I finally told him he was supposed to be the one I turn to when I feel like this not the one who causes me to feel this way. Then he said he was sorry. Is I’m sorry enough?
Sometimes I think I’m the only one who wants it to work. He claims he’s just as committed to working things out. I am just having a hard time recognizing any effort
on his part. Im obviously still upset about all the drama from last night. I do love him and I know he loves me. I’m just irritated and emotionally exhausted.

“Well, I’ve got a lot…

“Well, I’ve got a lot of callings. You can’t just limit
it to one. … Life’s too short to devote yourself to
a single thing, and luckily for me, I’m interested
in other things. And one must pursue those things.”

~ Charlie Trotter

Life is too short…….

Me jealous? it shows how valuable you are

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Insecurity’s come with the territory. Sadly I know how painful it is not to fall a sleep in your arms every night. The six months we were separated still haunts me.  I never want to spend another night with out you. I have only myself to blame  for the pain that was inflicted. You never gave up on “us”. You never stopped loving me.

Eternally grateful. You cant posibly understand just how precious much your love means to me. You are so much more than my husband. You are my best friend. You are the amazing father of our children. You are my lover. You are my support system. You are  my partner. You are all MINE.

Your unconditional love and tolerance has become a significant inspiration for me to keep motivated. Your forgiveness and understanding has been freeing and shows  me why you never  give up on love.

I have a hard time trusting people, especially other women. From my own behavior, I know how destructive and manipulative females can be. I know the games we play to get our way. I am the only woman you need to be concerned with rescuing. No other woman deserves your sympathy.  My tears are the tears you should want to wipe away.

I refuse to share. You are my hero. Mine alone. As I lay with my head on your chest, held tightly in your arms. Such a firm loving embrace reminding me I am safe. There is nowhere else I would rather be than with you here in my private sanctuary.

When we are together we are solid and unbreakable. Nothing can compete. We  empower each other to keep fighting. We compliment each other where one of us is weak, the other finds strength maintaining balance. Love like this never dies. It can only be described as Perfection.

Your love keeps me alive. You give me strength and make me believe that together we will survive whatever life throws our way.  Just look at the obstacles we have already over came. Our love gets stronger with all the hardships we endure. Our love will  persevere.

Always and Forever you have my love…..

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