Overloaded

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I have had too much time to think today. My mind is overloaded with memories of what I didn’t do. All the empty promises. So many regrets. My head is pounding. I have so many regrets and am trying as hard as I fucking can to get my life back. I miss getting woken up by my kids. I took so much for granted while they were with me I just want another chance to be the mom they deserve to have. I cant imagine life without them. They are the reason i am able to get up and keep moving. They give me strength.

 

I managed to push my dad away. One of the things i have always been good at is pushing people away. I miss being able to talk to him he was one of the few people who could understand me. I hate myself and what i have done to my family. i don”

 

t know if i can fix this and I’m scared.

 

I don’t want to continue to hurt or continue to hurt others. From what i hear recovery is a process and i am headed in the right direction. I am going to make mistakes along the way no body is perfect, i just cant give up and need to stay focused. i am doing this because to me the most important thing in the world is my children. I don’t want to miss out on seeing them grow up. i want to be a part of everything.

 

Me jealous? it shows how valuable you are

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Insecurity’s come with the territory. Sadly I know how painful it is not to fall a sleep in your arms every night. The six months we were separated still haunts me.  I never want to spend another night with out you. I have only myself to blame  for the pain that was inflicted. You never gave up on “us”. You never stopped loving me.

Eternally grateful. You cant posibly understand just how precious much your love means to me. You are so much more than my husband. You are my best friend. You are the amazing father of our children. You are my lover. You are my support system. You are  my partner. You are all MINE.

Your unconditional love and tolerance has become a significant inspiration for me to keep motivated. Your forgiveness and understanding has been freeing and shows  me why you never  give up on love.

I have a hard time trusting people, especially other women. From my own behavior, I know how destructive and manipulative females can be. I know the games we play to get our way. I am the only woman you need to be concerned with rescuing. No other woman deserves your sympathy.  My tears are the tears you should want to wipe away.

I refuse to share. You are my hero. Mine alone. As I lay with my head on your chest, held tightly in your arms. Such a firm loving embrace reminding me I am safe. There is nowhere else I would rather be than with you here in my private sanctuary.

When we are together we are solid and unbreakable. Nothing can compete. We  empower each other to keep fighting. We compliment each other where one of us is weak, the other finds strength maintaining balance. Love like this never dies. It can only be described as Perfection.

Your love keeps me alive. You give me strength and make me believe that together we will survive whatever life throws our way.  Just look at the obstacles we have already over came. Our love gets stronger with all the hardships we endure. Our love will  persevere.

Always and Forever you have my love…..

~ How pathetic I have become ~

 25042012-000043  I am seriously fucking pathetic…………….

I WANT TO RUNAWAY….

I WANT TO HIDE FROM IT ALL……..

What happened to me? I used to be stronger why am I accepting this? Is this love? I am scared to death of being without him. When he holds me I feel loved, I feel protected. He says he loves me and I want to believe him because the though of him not loving me hurts too much. I swore if he did it again I would press charges. I would leave. I didn’t. Why? because he said he was sorry and he loved me and that he’s willing to get help. He’s agreed to go to anger management and counseling. I want to believe him too. It started because I have been sleeping all day,  I am pretty depressed no major reasons it just happens . He can’t understand it, he tries but just can’t. He told me to wake up and do something if I can’t then he said I needed to leave. I said fine I will leave, and asked him to give me my phone so I could text someone to come get me. He said ” fuck your phone” and threw it then proceeded to bust the screen. So I grabbed his tablet ( like an iPad) and ran it under water then threw it on the ground. Then he grabbed me by my neck and slammed my head into the kitchen cabinet, then knocked me on the floor. He then started yelling at me saying this was all my fault that I had caused this.  I sent the kids to the neighbor’s house and he took off. I was shaken up real bad, in complete shock. I didn’t want to believe any of this had just happened. It’s not him. What happened to my super loving supportive husband? What happened to the man I married” As much as I didn’t want to believe what had just happened, I couldn’t. It did. I knew I had to call the cops so I called. They came out took a report and recommended I press charges and get a restraining order first thing in the morning. I agreed. They also said if he comes back don’t argue call 911 ASAP. I promised I would. I called my sister had her come over for some support, she seemed kinda irritated because I have called her to come rescue me several times in the past and nothing ever comes from it. I don’t follow through. Not even an hour after the cops left he was back. He said he came back to turn himself in. He said he was sorry and that he knew he fucked up. We kinda started getting into it outside. He said it was a long time coming, but he shouldn’t have done it. I said ya u did fuck up and you fucked up in front of the kids. Some father you are. Looks like you wont be getting father of the year anytime soon.pretty sure the neighbors heard it they were all standing out side being their normal nosy selves. Then he tried to go upstairs to our apartment so I ran ahead of him and locked the door. The kitchen window was open so he told me fine if that’s the way you want it to be, and I go to jail because of you I will have you killed. He said he would make sure that he let the cops know I was unstable. and have been in the hospital twice. He said I would lose. He also said he would tell the cops I assaulted him first and press charges against me. Even though I didn’t touch him. Whatever scratches he has happened when he attacked me, but since he did have marks I was scared they might believe him. So what do I do? I told him I loved him and never want anything bad to happen to us. I said I want you and our kids. That is all I care about. He said if you really love me don’t press charges. Then he said I have the power to stop this, all I have to do is drop the charges so he  doesnt go to jail and he would go to counseling and anger management. He said he knew he needed help and he’s pretty sure its the alcohol that gets him so angry so he said he would get help with that too. So I told him if he promises to get help I wont press charges. I called 911 to tell them not to send the cops back I wouldn’t press charges. It was too late they were here. They cuffed him and told me to wait upstairs. Then the same officer that took the report came up and talked to me. He said he can’t force me to press charges but he sees this a thousand times. Once a guy puts his hands on a woman he will do it again. I told the officer he agreed to get help and since we have kids together I think I should give him that chance. He said if it goes to court it would be mandatory for him to get help. I said well he has agreed to go so I don’t feel its necessary to go to court. In a very polite and professional manner he pretty much told me I was stupid, and he’s probably right I would tell someone else the same thing. I’m really that afraid of everything.I’m really that afraid of being alone that. I’m willing to believe he can be that one in a million, that will change with some help. I really need some help too! I am so mad at myself. I can’t believe I have such low self-esteem that I really believe this is Ok. That maybe I even deserve it because of all the bad choices I have made· maybe this is my Karma. I have caused so much pain for other people is it now my turn to suffer…..

~FML~

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well we just recieved our 72 hour notice to move if we dont pay $750.00 rent and $50.00 late fee. On top of that he has added a $150.00 notice delivery charge. we knew it was coming. I fucked off what little money we had by  gambleing. We didnt have enough money to pay all the bills that were due. I was just trying to get enough money to cover what we didnt have. I didnt win and while I was playing I knew I was losing but it didnt make a
differance I couldnt stop myself. Fuck my life!
I feel sick.  All the local services that could help are unable to. Its such bull shit. I dont know what to say or do its pointless now. FML
Oh my husband has not drank today, that alone would usually be enough to put him in a bad mood but it hasnt. He is back to being super sweet and we are not fighting kinda strange….. Who could have guessed that such fucked up circumstances could have a positive effect on our marriage.
My husband has been unbelievable trying to reassure me everything is going to work out. Surprisingly he was acting like a grown up this time. He literally had to take my phone from me last night, to prevent me from making anything worse. I was acting like such a spoiled child. I was getting myself all worked up over a text message from my dad that I completely took the wrong way. Then I tried to convince my husband everything was my dads fault for being this way and that my dad should fix everything. Like he hasn’t helped us out a hundred times already. I think my husband just had too much of my bullshit and was done listening to my “poor me” shit any longer. He took control of the situation. Thank god I wasn’t able to make it worse.

~Am I sick????~

~It can always be worse..~

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Photo credit: Madilyn Peiper

This posting wont make a lot of sense to most people……… 
Where do you draw the line. My line tends to get longer. Its never worse enough. For me nothing is ever normal or the way its supposed to be. Everything is an effort an extreme effort at that. I play situations out in my head before they happen. I try to picture how i would react or what i would do. The worse possible outcome and all. When it happens for real it dosnt matter how much time you spent, or even what you pictured would happen. It never goes as imagined. At least not for me.
Once again I find myself in this oh so familiar spot. Head spinning with non stop thoughts that will never be shared. Questioning reality and the purpose of existing. Wondering what it’s really all about. Recognizing the little things are cherish-able for ever to me and maybe not enough for you.
How is it possible to feel this way? I keep telling myself it could be worse. I will be done if ___. But my ifs keep getting worse. I accept more than I ever thought I would. I’m so good at making excuses.
I really like being lied to, I will believe anything I am told. You think I’m so stupid and I am not capable of getting by without. I am capable of more than you know. You are not the only one who gets away with lying.
I’m not sure why I allow stuff to keep happening the way its been happening. I am fucking falling apart. Im already crazy and now I feel like I’m going crazier. How can someone claim they love someone and do or say the things that were said? How can someone look someone, who loves them, in the eyes and continue causing anguish?
Once again asking how long this time? Who will be the blame? What lame excuses will be used?
Do I enjoy it? Can someone really be that weak? why is it impossible to walk away?
Physically numbing but emotionally agonizing. It’s indescribable, unwanted, unnecessary, and embarrassing. Its embarrassing for everyone. So why am I afraid to let go. I don’t like to hurt. I’m so tired of crying about the same things every time. I want it to be better. I want shit to happen the way it’s meant to.

~Scared~

So much stuff has been going on in my life, I have not made any effort to write. I keep telling myself I will as soon as things calm down, but since that dosnt look like its going to happen any time soon I’m forcing myself to write now. First off we are not moving. We wee unable to find a place willing to rent to us, but the real reason is we no longer have the money to move. Subconsciously I think I knew something would happen because I didn’t look as hard as I could have. I don’t give up easily if I’m after something I want, I gave up looking for a place.
The whole story is we got our taxes back paid some past due bills and decided that we would use what was left to move on. That required us to stiff our current landlord the money we owed him and left us no money to give my dads, even though we promised to pay them back out of our taxes. We owe them over $ 6000.
On the 2nd of this month my husband woke me up saying someone was at the door wanting to talk to me. Half asleep I stumble to the door to find a professionally dressed lady with a clipboard. Since my kids were home from school my first reaction was great it’s a truancy officer again. My kids have already missed the max amount of days this year. This year has been unbelievably hard on everyone. We have already been warned they can’t miss anymore days or we will have to pay a fine.
I was thinking what excuse can I come up with to justify them not being in school. I couldn’t tell her the alarm clock went off and I wouldn’t get out of bed or wake my husband and my husband was pretty burnt out from getting the kids up and ready for school by himself all year, he slept through the alarm.
It wasn’t a truancy officer. She introduced herself and told me she worked for child protective services and they had received a complaint. I couldn’t believe it. I wished it was a truancy officer instead. I was in shock and didn’t hear everything she said. I do remember her saying that the complaints were: my kids have no clothes, no food, that they have to go to the neighbors to eat, and the house is trashed, and that my husband and I are on drugs.
She asked if she could see the inside of our place. So many thoughts were racing through my head, I didn’t want to let her in because my house was trashed. I was thinking if she sees the mess she’s going to think the rest of the complaints are true too, but if I didn’t let her in she might think I’m hiding something worse. Then I thought its always better to cooperate and tell the truth right. I let her in. After she walked through she said she could tell the majority of the complaints were
untrue, but the place defiantly needed cleaned.
She asked if we use drugs I told her we did in the past but that’s not an issue now. She said she didn’t think that it was but she has to follow up on all the complaints. She asked what was going on, and how the house got out of control. We told her that my husband lost his job in December and we both have been depressed. I was the one who cleaned while my husband was working, but since he lost his job it has taken every ounce of energy in me just to get through the day. All I can do is the bare minimum. I washed only thed the dishes I needed to use for whatever meal I was making. Garbage just piled up because nobody wanted to take it out. I only did enough laundry to get through the school week, usually washing the same clothes for next week because I couldn’t get myself to dig through the piles of dirty clothes to pick out something different.
We were well aware of the house needing cleaned. The problem was there was so much that needed to be done. We didn’t know where to begin. It was extremely overwhelming.
I remember when she was talking to me and explaining what would happen next, my 5 year old son came and sat in my lap. I zoned out and started thinking this lady has the ability to take my children from me. I immediately started crying. What would I do if she decided to take my kids? I started thinking they would physically have to rip them out of my arms. I would hurt someone, I would go crazy and attack like a wild animal. I wouldn’t let anyone take my babies from me!
Thank god that’s nothing I have to worry about. This whole experience, as scary as it was at first, has been a very positive thing for our family. Since my husband lost his job we have been on state assistance. The only income we have is the $729.00 a month they think a family of 5 can survive on. Our rent is 750.00 so how are we supposed to survive? They told my husband they don’t want him looking for work until I am stable or “feeling better”. They said he’s needed at home.
That’s why we were trying to move. We needed a more affordable place to live. Well since CPs has been involved, they paid the part of our rent we were short, they are going to get us garbage service and pay for it plus they are trying to raise the amount of assistance we get every month, considering it doesn’t cover our expenses. They are also helping me fight for disability benefits.
We agreed to participate in a voluntary service where a child counselor comes to our house twice a week for six weeks and helps us work out whatever issues our family struggles with. We are on our third week and already seeing results.
Thanks to this service my daughter sleeps in her own bed. My kids have been doing chores, and there is an all over smoother feeling to our lives.

~Truth hurts! Less than the lies~

Ok. So I don’t know why I keep doing this to myself. I keep giving you chances, you have proved you don’t deserve them. Why do I keep hurting myself like this? You tell me what I want to hear, but its not true and means nothing to you. You don’t seem to care about my feelings. You are too distracted from seeking instant gratification. You don’t think about the consequences or longterm effects of your actions. You don’t seem to care how your behavior disrupts my life.
You always tell me it’s going to be different this time. You promise. I give you the benefit of the doubt. I want to believe it so bad. Your word means nothing, I know this. Even when you promise, I know your full of shit, but I never call you out.
I keep my fingers crossed, and pray just one time you won’t disappoint me. Why is it so difficult to tell me the truth? You think that lying to me is protecting me. You think I’m too fragile, too weak, to handle the truth. You think I’m going to hurt myself or go crazy, so you make up some bullshit story trying to cover up what you have done. You do this over and over again and i allow this to happen by continuing to give you chance after chance.
FYI :You have given yourself way too much credit. You are so not that magnificent. Honestly you have brought me more pain than happiness. The truth doesn’t hurt as bad, when your honest from the start.
There is no protection from the pain that happens when the truth comes out, and it always comes out.
You have cut me with your actions, you watched me bleed, but the scares from your lies will never heal. There is no more trust.
You have a backwards way of thinking. It takes strength to be honest. It takes strength to admit your wrong. You are the weaker one. You lack Strength. You are to weak to tell the truth. You continue to hide behind your lies.
Your behavior has become alarming even to you. You are loosing your self to your lies. You are ashamed and hate life. You are drowning in your own misery. You cant remember when or how it got so bad. You cant even mimic happiness through self medicating. Its all become too overwhelming. Yet you continue to hurt me. You continue to lie.
You are not just hurting me. You have caused so much pain to yourself, you are beginning to forget who you are. You are the only one to blame. You are responsible for the destruction of yourself. When is enough, enough? Is the cycle ever going to end? How much more can anyone take?
Just think it all could have been prevented. You could have been happy. You could have been proud of your life. If only you weren’t too chicken shit to tell the truth.

~Suicide Attempt~

I tried killing myself once. I was using meth off and on, and I love being high. Its kinda like being really manic plus some paranoia, but being paranoid doesn’t bother you so much because everything else is soooo great.
I was fighting with my husband he told me we are done doing drugs which pisses me off why does it always get to be his choice? He acts like he knows whats best, like there is ever a good time for using? Well I was capable of making my own choices and told him if he wanted to quit he could but I wasn’t done yet. I took my pipe and went in the bathroom he broke the door came in there and wrestled me to the floor and taking it. I was so pissed I told him “fine I cant get high I want to die” I grabbed a bottle of Depekote and swallowed as many as I could as fast as I could. He pushed me outside yelling “your not dying in my house” and locked the door. Then he called my sister and told her what I did. My sister rushes over to take me to the hospital, so of course I get in her car and go because I wasn’t mad at her. Once I got to the hospital, they took me back and had me put on a gown, hooked up an IV,  then told me I needed to drink that charcoal stuff. They handed me the drink then left the room. I jumped up put my pants on under the gown detatched the IV from the bag and ran out of the hospital. My drug dealer lived a few blocks away so I was going to go over there get high and hopefully die. I had no idea where I was I got lost, then there was 3 nurses from the hospital trying to convince me to come back. They said at least let us take out your IV so I ripped it out and threw it at them. Then they said we will have to call the cops, suicide is a crime. I said call them and how is anyone going to press charges when I’m dead?? They called the cops. I got arrested. The officer took me to a different hospital (the one my mom died in) and I was given that charcoal stuff again and told I cant talk to my sister who was waiting in the lobby until I finished it. I was so pissed I was kicking the door and screaming I couldn’t die with her being out there all by herself. It was the same hospital mom died at. I dont think she could have handled that. So I drank that nasty stuff, puked, and they let her come back and see me. I had to talk to an on call psychiatrist and was able to convince her I was ok. so she sent me to the cardiac unit over night for obsevation. Then I was released.

~Relationships~

I know my Illness is putting a lot of strain on my relationships with family and friends. My husband gets it the worst. He is around me all the time and never gets a break he has to witness all my ups and downs and everything in between. I have done some really fucked up stuff to him and I kind of believe I was trying to push him away. Part of me has always felt like I don’t deserve to have be happy, or I am not capable of pleasing others. Even as a kid I was a fuck up. I ran away, did drugs, stole shit, lied whatever. I was constantly doing shit to disappoint my parents. I have cheated on him so many times. I have been with 11 guys in the 10 years we have been married. I wasn’t even sure if my youngest son was his. He never cheated on me and was always waiting for me to get my head out of my ass and come back to him. He is not perfect either, he is an alcoholic. The more stressful our life is the more he drinks. My mother had a “friend” that lived with us for along time when I was a kid, he was an alcoholic and all the memory’s I have about him are bad. One fucked up memory after another. My husband scares me when he drinks. If we start fighting he gets so angry he looks like he is going to explode. There is no rationalizing with him, he is right I am wrong and I am a piece of shit. Then in the morning when he realizes what he did he apologizes. He has only hit me once. My oldest son was about 2 years old, he was sitting in my lap, out of nowhere he threw his sippy cup at the back of his dads head. My husband jumped up and started coming towards us yelling at my son. I thought he was going to kill him. I remember telling him “wait wait it was me, I threw it.” He pulled his arm back and hit me in the face, hard enough to knock the breath out of me. I remember thinking what the fuck just happened and crying. I never told anyone and we don’t ever talk about it either. He apologized, and has never done anything that bad since.

Lately he has been screaming and throwing stuff, he threw a glass mirror across the room when we were arguing I thought for sure it was coming for me, but it hit the floor and shattered everywhere. He started kicking shit in the kitchen and broke a bunch of glass. He threw a lamp in the bathroom shattering glass all over the floor. I just freeze he scares the shit out of me when he acts like that I don’t know what to do. He imediatly apologizes he knows he is over reacting and promises he would never hit me again but when he gets that mad its like he is a different person I don’t think he can control it. 
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