~It can always be worse..~

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Photo credit: Madilyn Peiper

This posting wont make a lot of sense to most people……… 
Where do you draw the line. My line tends to get longer. Its never worse enough. For me nothing is ever normal or the way its supposed to be. Everything is an effort an extreme effort at that. I play situations out in my head before they happen. I try to picture how i would react or what i would do. The worse possible outcome and all. When it happens for real it dosnt matter how much time you spent, or even what you pictured would happen. It never goes as imagined. At least not for me.
Once again I find myself in this oh so familiar spot. Head spinning with non stop thoughts that will never be shared. Questioning reality and the purpose of existing. Wondering what it’s really all about. Recognizing the little things are cherish-able for ever to me and maybe not enough for you.
How is it possible to feel this way? I keep telling myself it could be worse. I will be done if ___. But my ifs keep getting worse. I accept more than I ever thought I would. I’m so good at making excuses.
I really like being lied to, I will believe anything I am told. You think I’m so stupid and I am not capable of getting by without. I am capable of more than you know. You are not the only one who gets away with lying.
I’m not sure why I allow stuff to keep happening the way its been happening. I am fucking falling apart. Im already crazy and now I feel like I’m going crazier. How can someone claim they love someone and do or say the things that were said? How can someone look someone, who loves them, in the eyes and continue causing anguish?
Once again asking how long this time? Who will be the blame? What lame excuses will be used?
Do I enjoy it? Can someone really be that weak? why is it impossible to walk away?
Physically numbing but emotionally agonizing. It’s indescribable, unwanted, unnecessary, and embarrassing. Its embarrassing for everyone. So why am I afraid to let go. I don’t like to hurt. I’m so tired of crying about the same things every time. I want it to be better. I want shit to happen the way it’s meant to.

~Snaped~

I have been under so much stress these last few weeks. My husband and I both have been walking on egg shells around each other. There has been so much tension.
I finally snapped. I don’t know how I didn’t sooner. I have been frantically cleaning the house. I spend all day following everyone around picking up their messes. I don’t even give them the option to pick up after themselves. I can do it faster, and I can do it the way I expect it to be done. I can’t even stand a single piece of silverware left in the sink. Everything needs to be cleaned and put in its place.
I was going to go to my sisters and watch movies, but before I could leave my husband wanted me to fix diner. He insisted he was starving and apparently is no longer capable of cooking for himself. Whatever I really don’t mind doing the cooking. I make less of a mess anyways lol. So I did. I cooked him diner at 3 in the afternoon.
While my husband and kids ate diner I went to the store and spent 24 of the 30 dollars we had left on groceries.
When I got back the house was trashed. There was dirty dishes and crumbs everywhere. I was so irritated. I bust my ass all day picking up after them and nobody seems to give a shit. Before I had a chance to put all the groceries away my husband rudely asked if had spent all the money. I said “no we still have 6 dollars. Enough for a pack of smokes. “He said “oh great! It figures”. I just looked at him and asked “what is your problem”?
He said he wanted to buy a part for the car. I said ” oh ya! That’s way more important than the kids eating” then it just spiraled out of control. We were calling each other names, screaming at each other. Then he started talking about leaving. At this point I noticed that the trash was overflowing. I asked him three days ago to take it out. Plus right before going to the store I had asked him again and he said he would. That was the final straw. I told him he was arguing with me over buying food, and I have been exhausting myself cleaning up after everyone. That it’s bull shit Nobody can even rinse a fucking plate. Why am I the only one doing it all?
I grabbed the car keys, told him I was leaving and wouldn’t come back till the house was clean. I went to my sisters. After venting to her what was going on he texted her asking if i was there.
I decided I would text back pretending to be her. I told him I wasn’t there and asked if I should be worried. He said that we got in an argument over him not taking the trash out, he said he was being an asshole and wanted to say he was sorry but didn’t know where I was. I continued to let him think he was talking to my sister, and that I wasn’t there. I stayed at my sisters for a few hours I wanted to make him sweat. I know it’s fucked up but I was really mad. When I went home he was very apologetic and sweet. I had to tell him I was at my friends house because I’d he knew I was at my sisters and he was really texting me all night he probably wouldn’t be so nice.

~Love, and being in love is priceless~

Love for Arts

Love for Arts (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

It has been really difficult for me to be “in love” I looked for any little problem as a sign that I’m not really in love. I told so many lies, to everyone including my self, just to make it believable. I didn’t want to be in love.
Being vulnerable, letting someone have that much control over me seemed like some sort of weakness. I had to be strong at all times. I couldn’t let anyone too close because they would see how weak I really am.
I didn’t feel like I deserved to be loved. I thought there was no way my husband could live me especially after everything I put him through.
I know now thats not true. I dont think we always get to choose who we love. Some people have a way of breaking down your walls and never letting you put them back up. I wish I could go back and tell myself how stupid and selfish I was acting. I wish I wouldn’t have been so determined not to be in love. I wasted so much time.
I am so blessed, so lucky to have such an amazing husband. He has given me 3 of the worlds greatest kids. Without a doubt, with everything inside of me I am so in love with him. I dint care how stupid i look or what other people think. I tell him only about a hundred times a day just how much I love him. My chest gets all warm and heavy and i get butterflies just thinking about him. I don’t want him to ever have to question it ever again.
He has been and always will be there for me, and I want him to know I am always here for him as well. We don’t always agree on things and bicker about stupid things but when it comes down to what really matters, we are for once, on the same page. Neither one of us is going anywhere.
I wouldn’t give up being able to cuddle to him every night. Not even for all the money in the world. That feeling that I have been in denial about, the one I was so afraid of really is the most priceless treasure in the world.

~I know me and I’m sorry your stupid~

So my latest “unofficial diagnosis” is, I say unofficial because it was a counselor that told me not my psychiatrist, Post traumatic stress disorder. Seriously? as if being bipolar and having panic attacks and severe anxiety problems including social anxiety disorder wasn’t enough someone had to suggest something else…
  I don’t really think I am that crazy but listening to other people talk you would think I should be locked up at some freak show exhibit. Especially listening to people who have no real information about anything, they just think they know everything.
   I went to my aunts house today to barrow money, because of our crappy financial situation. I have been dreading going out there lately because her daughters, my cousins, get under my skin quicker than anyone. They are some of the most opinionated, loud, bitchy people I have ever met. They really have no clue what its like for someone yet they are so quick to offer up advice.
  I don’t understand why they feel its there place, or even necessary for them to talk sometimes. They have to know their input is not always wanted or appreciated. Right? I don’t know.
    The whole reason I am so worked up, is because when I was out there today I was talking to someone else who has been diagnosed bipolar. We were compairing diagnosis’s and information and when I was asked about my ups and downs associated with being bipolar my cousin blurts out ” she has major ups and downs but she is schizophrenic too, not just bipolar” I looked at her and said ” what are you talking about? I have never been diagnosed schizophrenic” Then she actually started arguing with me like I didn’t know my own diagnosis. WTF? I was soooo pissed. Thank god for ativan and Thank god I’m just crazy because it must really suck being that ignorant.

~Routine and change~

  I can’t sleep probably because I was sleeping off and on all day today and yesterday and all week lol. Seems like I either sleep too much or hardly at all. I never seem to get the right amount of sleep.
  I feel like I’m on edge constantly. I have a much shorter fuse than usual. I have been getting angry a lot and stay that way for a lot longer. I don’t have patience at all. I have so many thoughts racing through my mind at all times I get mad when someone starts talking to me and I am unable to obsess on whatever it is I am obsessing about.
     I have unrealistic expectations of my kids and husband.I expect everything to be done the way I want it to be done, when I want it to be done. I feel like if I am not controlling everything and everyone things will start to fall apart. I feel like I can predict the outcome of a situation that I am not in control of and it never turns out good the way I see it. So its better for me to just take control and even do it myself if I want it done right.
    We are attempting a routine at home. Until now a routine was a foreign concept in our house.My husband and I have never been strict about bed time, or any other time for that matter. Our kids were aloud to do pretty much what they want as long as they were getting along.
   This new routine has a set time for everything and an allotted amount of time to do it in. What I mean by everything is…. there is a time to wake up,  get dressed, brush teeth, catch the bus, time to do homework, time to do chores, and a time to go to bed. I have even planed out what time we have meals and how long it should take to eat. I scheduled when the kids bathe, and even when they are able to have free time.

     Having more structure in our lives, a routine? I thought it was simple, and even kind of fun. I would make a list of when and what I wanted everyone to do. All they would be responsible for, is doing what I say. Since I am such a control freak, I loved the thought of getting my family to do what I wanted them to.
   Wrong!! What was I thinking. Its a lot harder to get people who have never had any structure or routine in their lives, Including myself, to commit to any kind of a schedule.  It was fine the first day but come day two everyone was bored with it. Even I have to admit I am not a fan of doing the same thing over and over again. It actually depresses me to know whats coming next.
 I’m not sure why but I like my life to be exciting. I want to let things just happen. I don’t want to know whats coming next.           ( probably my bi-polar self speaking lol ).
  Or maybe I have been living in such chaos for so long, its all I’m used to. Its all I know. Do I actual find comfort in this chaotic, unorganized, way of living???? Yeah.I think I do….  I’m sure that’s been the majority of my problems for a while now lol. I actually have a habit of creating drama or chaos or whatever you want to call it when life is running smoothly.
    I don’t know anymore everything is changing, changing for the better, I know, But its still overwhelming. I’m getting a lot of support from places I didn’t even know existed. I guess its the whole way everything happened that freaks me out. I wasn’t in control. Everything is not going to be as chaotic as I have grown accustomed to.
   I have learned a few things about myself too. I guess what I am trying to say is I need to grow up a little lol. Learn to let things go, and just appreciate all the positive stuff that’s happening.
     This change is not all bad. I do like my kids sleeping in their own rooms and having a regular bedtime. So at the very least I can stick to that but as far as the rest of the schedule goes.. Who knows? My guess is we wont be following it completely, but then again I have been wrong before and I need to stop trying to be in control of everything and everyone. Plus I know I cant accurately predict the outcome of any situation lol

~Scared~

So much stuff has been going on in my life, I have not made any effort to write. I keep telling myself I will as soon as things calm down, but since that dosnt look like its going to happen any time soon I’m forcing myself to write now. First off we are not moving. We wee unable to find a place willing to rent to us, but the real reason is we no longer have the money to move. Subconsciously I think I knew something would happen because I didn’t look as hard as I could have. I don’t give up easily if I’m after something I want, I gave up looking for a place.
The whole story is we got our taxes back paid some past due bills and decided that we would use what was left to move on. That required us to stiff our current landlord the money we owed him and left us no money to give my dads, even though we promised to pay them back out of our taxes. We owe them over $ 6000.
On the 2nd of this month my husband woke me up saying someone was at the door wanting to talk to me. Half asleep I stumble to the door to find a professionally dressed lady with a clipboard. Since my kids were home from school my first reaction was great it’s a truancy officer again. My kids have already missed the max amount of days this year. This year has been unbelievably hard on everyone. We have already been warned they can’t miss anymore days or we will have to pay a fine.
I was thinking what excuse can I come up with to justify them not being in school. I couldn’t tell her the alarm clock went off and I wouldn’t get out of bed or wake my husband and my husband was pretty burnt out from getting the kids up and ready for school by himself all year, he slept through the alarm.
It wasn’t a truancy officer. She introduced herself and told me she worked for child protective services and they had received a complaint. I couldn’t believe it. I wished it was a truancy officer instead. I was in shock and didn’t hear everything she said. I do remember her saying that the complaints were: my kids have no clothes, no food, that they have to go to the neighbors to eat, and the house is trashed, and that my husband and I are on drugs.
She asked if she could see the inside of our place. So many thoughts were racing through my head, I didn’t want to let her in because my house was trashed. I was thinking if she sees the mess she’s going to think the rest of the complaints are true too, but if I didn’t let her in she might think I’m hiding something worse. Then I thought its always better to cooperate and tell the truth right. I let her in. After she walked through she said she could tell the majority of the complaints were
untrue, but the place defiantly needed cleaned.
She asked if we use drugs I told her we did in the past but that’s not an issue now. She said she didn’t think that it was but she has to follow up on all the complaints. She asked what was going on, and how the house got out of control. We told her that my husband lost his job in December and we both have been depressed. I was the one who cleaned while my husband was working, but since he lost his job it has taken every ounce of energy in me just to get through the day. All I can do is the bare minimum. I washed only thed the dishes I needed to use for whatever meal I was making. Garbage just piled up because nobody wanted to take it out. I only did enough laundry to get through the school week, usually washing the same clothes for next week because I couldn’t get myself to dig through the piles of dirty clothes to pick out something different.
We were well aware of the house needing cleaned. The problem was there was so much that needed to be done. We didn’t know where to begin. It was extremely overwhelming.
I remember when she was talking to me and explaining what would happen next, my 5 year old son came and sat in my lap. I zoned out and started thinking this lady has the ability to take my children from me. I immediately started crying. What would I do if she decided to take my kids? I started thinking they would physically have to rip them out of my arms. I would hurt someone, I would go crazy and attack like a wild animal. I wouldn’t let anyone take my babies from me!
Thank god that’s nothing I have to worry about. This whole experience, as scary as it was at first, has been a very positive thing for our family. Since my husband lost his job we have been on state assistance. The only income we have is the $729.00 a month they think a family of 5 can survive on. Our rent is 750.00 so how are we supposed to survive? They told my husband they don’t want him looking for work until I am stable or “feeling better”. They said he’s needed at home.
That’s why we were trying to move. We needed a more affordable place to live. Well since CPs has been involved, they paid the part of our rent we were short, they are going to get us garbage service and pay for it plus they are trying to raise the amount of assistance we get every month, considering it doesn’t cover our expenses. They are also helping me fight for disability benefits.
We agreed to participate in a voluntary service where a child counselor comes to our house twice a week for six weeks and helps us work out whatever issues our family struggles with. We are on our third week and already seeing results.
Thanks to this service my daughter sleeps in her own bed. My kids have been doing chores, and there is an all over smoother feeling to our lives.

~ My daughter from pink lip gloss to green eye shadow~

I don’t know why but my daughter gets under my skin so easily. I think my mother cursed me. She always told me “one of these days you will have a daughter just like you” Thanks mom.
She has always been very dramatic. The fact that we fight now and she is only 8 scares me. What the hell am I supposed to do when she’s a teenager? She gets mad and her voice gets all loud and whiney. I tell her to stop whining and she just gets louder and whinier. It immediately puts me in a bad mood and I loose all patience for her.
She has told me I am ruining her life. She slams her bedroom door, stomps her feet, rolls her eyes and glares at me. My husband is constantly having to intervene. She doesn’t act that way for him as often. He says we fight like we are sisters.
Every morning getting her up and ready for school is disastrous. It’s always something. She is always the last one up. Sometimes i have to literally drag her out of bed. It doesn’t matter how much sleep she gets. She takes twice as long as her brothers to get dressed.
My husband walks them to the bus stop every morning, and they have missed the bus several times waiting on her. I have even gotten her up earlier and it’s like she waits till the last minute to finish getting ready in purpose. Today we had it out over her hair. I simply asked her to brush it. She screeched “I diiiid mom” if she did she didn’t do a good job. It was all messy and sticking up in the back. I said ” are you sure? Go look in the mirror and tell me if that’s how you want to wear your hair to school” she told me “no” and gave me a dirty look. I said ” not looking isn’t going to fix your hair” so she stomped off to the bathroom and fixed her hair. Then asked if she could put on some pink lip gloss. I said sure.
I don’t understand why everything has to be such an ordeal with her. When she got home from school she had on blue eye shadow smeared all the way to her eyebrows, and bright red lipstick. It was so bad. I couldn’t help but tell her she looked like a clown. My husband asked her where she got the makeup and she tried telling him she did it thus morning before school. Um no. He walked her to the bus all she had on was pink lip gloss. She snuck the makeup to school and put it on there. She thinks it looks fantastic. I can’t believe she has had that on her face all day. It looks so ridiculous.

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