Overloaded

Cabo Home

Cabo Home (Photo credit: FreeCat)

I have had too much time to think today. My mind is overloaded with memories of what I didn’t do. All the empty promises. So many regrets. My head is pounding. I have so many regrets and am trying as hard as I fucking can to get my life back. I miss getting woken up by my kids. I took so much for granted while they were with me I just want another chance to be the mom they deserve to have. I cant imagine life without them. They are the reason i am able to get up and keep moving. They give me strength.

 

I managed to push my dad away. One of the things i have always been good at is pushing people away. I miss being able to talk to him he was one of the few people who could understand me. I hate myself and what i have done to my family. i don”

 

t know if i can fix this and I’m scared.

 

I don’t want to continue to hurt or continue to hurt others. From what i hear recovery is a process and i am headed in the right direction. I am going to make mistakes along the way no body is perfect, i just cant give up and need to stay focused. i am doing this because to me the most important thing in the world is my children. I don’t want to miss out on seeing them grow up. i want to be a part of everything.

 

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~ Survey About Simply Me….

Long Distance Relationships

Long Distance Relationships Photo credit: valordictus

Sleep with or without clothes on?

   Without

Prefer black or blue pens?

  Black

Dress up on Halloween?

 Occasionally

Like to travel?

 Absolutely

Like Someone?

 Yes

Do they know?

   I would hope so lol

Who sleeps with you every night?

 Husband and my dog

Think you’re attractive?

  Not so much

Want to get married?

  already have

To:

 My husband

Are you a good student?

 Not in highschool

Are you currently happy?

  Depends on the day

Have you ever cheated?? Been cheated on?

 Yes and Yes

Birthplace?

 Eugene Oregon

Christmas or Halloween?

 Halloween (its my daughter’s birthday)

Colored or black-and-white photo?

  black and white

Do long distance relationships work?

 No

Do you believe in astrology?

 Yes

Do you believe in love at first sight?

  Rare I’m sure

Do you consider yourself the life of the party?

 No quite the opposite

Do you drink?

  Not these days I hate drunks!

Do you make fun of people?

 Sad to say I have

Do you think dreams eventually come true?

 If you work hard enough

Favorite fictional character?

 Tinkerbell

Go to the movies or rent?

 Rent

Have you ever moved?

   Too often

Have you ever stolen anything?

 Yep I wasnt the best teenager lol

How’s the weather right now?

  Cold

Last time you cut your hair?

 about a year ago

Last person you talked to on the phone?

  my sister

Last time you showered?

  this am

Loud or soft music?

  Loud

Mcdonalds or Burger King?

  Mcdonalds

Night or day?

 Night

Number of pillows?

  3

Piano or guitar?

 Guitar

Future job?

 Idk

Current job?

 none

Current love?

   My husband

Current longing?

  to be normal

Current disappointment?

  my husbands behavior

Current annoyance?

  my husbands behavior

Last thing you ate?

 crunch berry cereal

Last thing you bought?

 milk

Most recent thing you are looking forward to?

  sleep

What are you hearing right now?

 kids

Plans for the weekend?

 staying home

What did you do today?

  cleaned the kitchen

Pick a lyric, any lyric or song?

 You know that Im a crazy bitch?…I do what I want when I feel like it…. All I want to do is loose control…. Oh,oh  But you dont really give a shit.. You go with it, go with it, go with it…. ’cause your fucking crazy… rock’n’ roll

 

~ The way we once were ~

childhood memory

childhood memory (Photo credit: AlicePopkorn)

One of my friends, actually my best friend at the time, from when I was a teenager has been talking to me on Facebook. Kinda strange catching up after all these years. I can’t believe I can say I knew her 10 years ago. Really? We got old fast. It doesn’t feel like 10 years have gone by. In fact it feels like we were just hanging out. I can clearly remember riding the busses all over portland. Loitering down town. Hooking up with complete losers. Waterfront. Saturday Market. Party’s. Everything was an adventure. Life never lacked excitement. We always found trouble to get in to. When did it stop? Why?
I remember the reason we stopped hanging out, she hated that I had a boyfriend. He took up too much of my time, so I couldn’t run around with her. We got into a huge fight down town Portland telling anyone who would listen every dirty little secret we knew about each other. (girls are damn vicious, we are in it to kill) Then we just stopped talking. We both moved away. Didn’t matter to either of us to stay in contact. I’m pretty sure we hated each other.
Even though we were not friends anymore, we had mutual friends. So every once in a while I would hear what or who she was doing. It took her a while to settle down. I got married and had kids with that boy friend she didn’t like so much. She started stripping, and hitting the drug scene a lot harder than we did together. I seriously thought she was so into that lifestyle, she wouldn’t be able to stop. I expected it to kill her.
Well she got married about 3 years ago, and she just became a mom. She had a hard time getting pregnant. They were trying ever since they got married nothing worked. Then when they were about to give up they decided to try in vitro and it worked. She is now a mom of twins. A boy and a girl.
Most couples want one of each, and a lot of people keep trying until they get both. Kinda nice she got both at once. It makes the wait worth it.
I have a lot of mixed emotions about seeing her. I mean we both have changed so much from the time we knew each other. She is really excited about being a mom and wants to show off the babies, which I get. It’s the best thing in the world becoming a parent. I just don’t know her anymore. She doesn’t know me either so it just feels strange. We are not the same people we once were…., Plus it brings back a lot of anxiety inducing memories lol

~ The End ~

SO no more pretending life isn’t falling apart. Tomorrow is the deadline. No rent no home. You will not believe the things I have done, the situations I have found myself in, or even what I have considered trying to get money either. Some legal, others not so much. When it is a matter of your children not having a home, you will do things you never imagined you could do to prevent it. No time for morals in such desperate times.
It doesn’t matter, I don’t have the money. I literally got fucked and for what? to end up on the streets any ways? I am so damn depressed. As much as I hated being at the hospital I am seriously considering going back. I don’t think it was as bad as everything is now. I’m starting to think all I am good for is hurt. Whether its me that’s hurting or its the people I am around. I cause pain to everyone around me so they should lock me up and forget about me.
I have been in bed for I don’t know how many days now. I’m trying to sleep myself to death. Its not working. I’m done with myself I have fucked up too many times I can finally see it for what it is…. The End

~FML~

FMyLife logo

FMyLife logo (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

well we just recieved our 72 hour notice to move if we dont pay $750.00 rent and $50.00 late fee. On top of that he has added a $150.00 notice delivery charge. we knew it was coming. I fucked off what little money we had by  gambleing. We didnt have enough money to pay all the bills that were due. I was just trying to get enough money to cover what we didnt have. I didnt win and while I was playing I knew I was losing but it didnt make a
differance I couldnt stop myself. Fuck my life!
I feel sick.  All the local services that could help are unable to. Its such bull shit. I dont know what to say or do its pointless now. FML
Oh my husband has not drank today, that alone would usually be enough to put him in a bad mood but it hasnt. He is back to being super sweet and we are not fighting kinda strange….. Who could have guessed that such fucked up circumstances could have a positive effect on our marriage.
My husband has been unbelievable trying to reassure me everything is going to work out. Surprisingly he was acting like a grown up this time. He literally had to take my phone from me last night, to prevent me from making anything worse. I was acting like such a spoiled child. I was getting myself all worked up over a text message from my dad that I completely took the wrong way. Then I tried to convince my husband everything was my dads fault for being this way and that my dad should fix everything. Like he hasn’t helped us out a hundred times already. I think my husband just had too much of my bullshit and was done listening to my “poor me” shit any longer. He took control of the situation. Thank god I wasn’t able to make it worse.

~Snaped~

I have been under so much stress these last few weeks. My husband and I both have been walking on egg shells around each other. There has been so much tension.
I finally snapped. I don’t know how I didn’t sooner. I have been frantically cleaning the house. I spend all day following everyone around picking up their messes. I don’t even give them the option to pick up after themselves. I can do it faster, and I can do it the way I expect it to be done. I can’t even stand a single piece of silverware left in the sink. Everything needs to be cleaned and put in its place.
I was going to go to my sisters and watch movies, but before I could leave my husband wanted me to fix diner. He insisted he was starving and apparently is no longer capable of cooking for himself. Whatever I really don’t mind doing the cooking. I make less of a mess anyways lol. So I did. I cooked him diner at 3 in the afternoon.
While my husband and kids ate diner I went to the store and spent 24 of the 30 dollars we had left on groceries.
When I got back the house was trashed. There was dirty dishes and crumbs everywhere. I was so irritated. I bust my ass all day picking up after them and nobody seems to give a shit. Before I had a chance to put all the groceries away my husband rudely asked if had spent all the money. I said “no we still have 6 dollars. Enough for a pack of smokes. “He said “oh great! It figures”. I just looked at him and asked “what is your problem”?
He said he wanted to buy a part for the car. I said ” oh ya! That’s way more important than the kids eating” then it just spiraled out of control. We were calling each other names, screaming at each other. Then he started talking about leaving. At this point I noticed that the trash was overflowing. I asked him three days ago to take it out. Plus right before going to the store I had asked him again and he said he would. That was the final straw. I told him he was arguing with me over buying food, and I have been exhausting myself cleaning up after everyone. That it’s bull shit Nobody can even rinse a fucking plate. Why am I the only one doing it all?
I grabbed the car keys, told him I was leaving and wouldn’t come back till the house was clean. I went to my sisters. After venting to her what was going on he texted her asking if i was there.
I decided I would text back pretending to be her. I told him I wasn’t there and asked if I should be worried. He said that we got in an argument over him not taking the trash out, he said he was being an asshole and wanted to say he was sorry but didn’t know where I was. I continued to let him think he was talking to my sister, and that I wasn’t there. I stayed at my sisters for a few hours I wanted to make him sweat. I know it’s fucked up but I was really mad. When I went home he was very apologetic and sweet. I had to tell him I was at my friends house because I’d he knew I was at my sisters and he was really texting me all night he probably wouldn’t be so nice.

~Love, and being in love is priceless~

Love for Arts

Love for Arts (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

It has been really difficult for me to be “in love” I looked for any little problem as a sign that I’m not really in love. I told so many lies, to everyone including my self, just to make it believable. I didn’t want to be in love.
Being vulnerable, letting someone have that much control over me seemed like some sort of weakness. I had to be strong at all times. I couldn’t let anyone too close because they would see how weak I really am.
I didn’t feel like I deserved to be loved. I thought there was no way my husband could live me especially after everything I put him through.
I know now thats not true. I dont think we always get to choose who we love. Some people have a way of breaking down your walls and never letting you put them back up. I wish I could go back and tell myself how stupid and selfish I was acting. I wish I wouldn’t have been so determined not to be in love. I wasted so much time.
I am so blessed, so lucky to have such an amazing husband. He has given me 3 of the worlds greatest kids. Without a doubt, with everything inside of me I am so in love with him. I dint care how stupid i look or what other people think. I tell him only about a hundred times a day just how much I love him. My chest gets all warm and heavy and i get butterflies just thinking about him. I don’t want him to ever have to question it ever again.
He has been and always will be there for me, and I want him to know I am always here for him as well. We don’t always agree on things and bicker about stupid things but when it comes down to what really matters, we are for once, on the same page. Neither one of us is going anywhere.
I wouldn’t give up being able to cuddle to him every night. Not even for all the money in the world. That feeling that I have been in denial about, the one I was so afraid of really is the most priceless treasure in the world.

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