Waiting for happily ever after

I know its still early… but since I stopped using, I go to bed a lot earlier. It dosnt matter what time it us I have no problems sleeping.Lol not tonight. Tonight fucking sucks im in such an irritable mood I want to go to sleep but my mind wont shut the fuck up. I hate everyone around me I keep telling myself its temporary but I dont think anyone could tolerate these people as long as I have. If I wasnt already crazy I would fear loosing my mind. I just want a life back. I feel like I am falling down a hole and as soon as I think im going to hit bottom I  just start falling faster. I wish I could go back and do things different, everytime I start thinking about it I just want to die. I want this chapter in my life to be over. I am ready for happily ever after.

Not a game

I am sooo glad its almost over. I will come out on top just wait and see, all of you that think your winning are exactly where I want you to be. Just keep doing what your doing blindly believing your right. You have no fucking clue how wrong you are but soon enough I will let you know. This aint a game anymore….

Sober lesson

Its always surprising the way things turn out. I am learning how to live life sober, not easy, just saying lol. Im learning how important it is to be honest and make ammends, to be accountable for your fuck UPS and not keep secrets from the people you love. Yet the people who have been teaching me to be honest dont feel its necessary to follow the same rules. Its ok for them to keep secrets, so why is that? How can you expect someone to trust you and be honest with you when you are not being honest with them. I have come to the conclusion that the people in my life I could count on are not really there for me. Its really kinda sad the people who are here for me and really want me to succeed are the ones I least expected. I dont know I think the whole reason im posting is to acknowledge that life, and people are not always what they seem to be. Learning that has been extremely useful in my recovery.

Sober lesson

Its always surprising the way things turn out. I am learning how to live life sober, not easy, just saying lol. Im learning how important it is to be honest and make ammends, to be accountable for your fuck UPS and not keep secrets from the people you love. Yet the people who have been teaching me to be honest dont feel its necessary to follow the same rules. Its ok for them to keep secrets, so why is that? How can you expect someone to trust you and be honest with you when you are not being honest with them. I have come to the conclusion that the people in my life I could count on are not really there for me. Its really kinda sad the people who are here for me and really want me to succeed are the ones I least expected. I dont know I think the whole reason im posting is to acknowledge that life, and people are not always what they seem to be. Learning that has been extremely useful in my recovery.

Starting over and faith

How exactly am I supposed to start over? Thank god my husband and I are on the same page as far as needing help and willing to do whatever it takes. Our family is all that matters to us. We want our children to have a healthy stable loving home. We want to be the best possible parents. Somehow we lost ourself and forgot what was important to us.
Im trying to stay strong and do things the right way but I’ve made so many mistakes im not convinced I know what the right thing is. My husband is back to being the most amazing man I’ve ever met. I’ve missed him. I am so grateful I have someone who will never stop loving me and who is willing to do whatever needs to be done for our family to be our family again.
I miss my kids so much. Im so sorry I’ve caused so much chaos and hurt to so many people I pray in time everyone can heal and can forgive me.
I need to believe that god knows what’s best for me and I have faith he will show me the way to fix this mess of a life I have been living. I believe every thing happens for a reason, and I am trying to focus on the positive things that have been happening. I am sober, my husband is sober, our relationship is stronger than ever. I am taking my meds and seeing a doctor. My husband had acknowledged the fact that he has been abusive and is willing to go to counseling as well as see a doctor and get on meds. We are going to individual and marriage counseling. We are going to drug and alcohol treatment and attending 12 step meetings.
We are going to get our kids back and when we do pour family will be stronger than ever.

Once again life has gotten complicated lol. I haunt posted for a while because of just how complicated things have become. So here goes… my time to confess, I have been using meth off and on for less than a year. Im in treatment now and asked my sister to care for my children so my husband and I can both get our shit together and be parents again.
I am ridiculously depressed and overwhelmed. My family is split between wanting to help me to not knowing how and honestly I don’t know how either.
I am telling myself I can do it I will get my ids back as long as I stay clean and continue to seek support it will work out it has to.
My kids are my life. I didn’t want to fuck them up they deserve so much that’s why I asked her to step in.

Grateful

Happy to report my husband is back to being the super sweet sexy man I fell in love with. I love being married and having someone by side when things get hard. Our youngest kid has been having really bad tummy aches I have been to the emergency room twice and his pediatrician 3 timil all. This was definitely one of those moments I was happy to be married. Its scarry for me to have blood drawn. For a 6 year old its a whole new level of scary. We tried explaining to him what  was going to happen and why it was important. We told him they needed to take some blood so they could do some tests and try to find out what was giving him tummy aches. He asked what they used to get the blood, I said they had a special thing they used.
My husband had our son on his lap holding him while a nurse held his arm down so the phlebotomist could draw his blood. I was trying to distract him so he wouldn’t look, but it didn’t work.
The minute he saw the needle he screamed and kicked he screamed ” ahh its a needle they’re going to kill me” his dad had to calm him down and tell him thats not going to happen. I was freaked out and pretty much useless.
After it was over our son asked if they were going to give him his blood back after they did their tests. He’s so cute.
I’m still laughing.

Simply not simple

So I seem to be repeating myself a lot lately. What i keep saying is “whats simple for you isnt simplr for me” As frustrating as it is, its kinda funny too. People can’t understand why I have panic attacks and why my anxiety is so dibilitating. Because its not a tangable didability im treated like its not that bad. I have actually had friends tell me to shake it off, ir snap out of it. Everyone expects answers from me and my response is if I knew what the cause was or had any clue on how to fix me, I would be fixing myself LOL.
   I just want everyone to realize that I struggle daily. It is real and so not easy. I’m not giving up I have faith I will get through it. I know I will survive. Some days are harder than others but, the biggest issue for me is, when people have a hard time accepting that what they consider to be a simple task is not a simple task for me. Just making a phone call sometimes is too much. It is what it is…
I found these lyrics on line and thought they summed up my whole mood. ENJOY. 

LYRICS to Its Not Easy

By Five For Fighting

    I can’t stand to fly I’m not that naive I’m just out to find The better part of me

I’m more than a bird…I’m more than a plane More than some pretty face beside a train It’s not easy to be me

Wish that I could cry Fall upon my knees Find a way to lie About a home I’ll never see

It may sound absurd…but don’t be naive Even Heroes have the right to bleed I may be disturbed…but won’t you concede Even Heroes have the right to dream It’s not easy to be me

Up, up and away…away from me It’s all right…You can all sleep sound tonight I’m not crazy…or anything…

I can’t stand to fly I’m not that naive Men weren’t meant to ride With clouds between their knees

I’m only a man in a silly red sheet Digging for kryptonite on this one way street Only a man in a funny red sheet Looking for special things inside of me

It’s not easy to be me.

“Don’t cry because it…

“Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because it happened.”
― Dr. Seuss

Signature of Dr. Seuss (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

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This is on my mind a lot lately

Why do I crave attention? I diliberatly put my self in situations where men give me attention. I am very much in love with my husband, and have made too many mistakes in the past that has put my marriage at risk, I have no intentions of  doing anything stupid again. Some of these guys are super sleazy and  nobody I would be attracted to if I was single, but I still enjoy their compliments and propositions. Even when women come on to me I get excited and I am not into chicks. I am into people being into me.  Im not sure if its a bipolar thing or a me thing. I know I do it. My husband knows I do it. Hes not happy about it. I am honestly trying to do things differantly, but its almost like now that I have acknowledged I have this problem it has become more of an problem.

Recently one of my husbands friends expressed an intrest in me, so what did I do? Not tell him it was inapropriate thats for sure. Oh no, that would be the right thing to do, and if I did the right thing I wouldnt have anything to blog about. Lol.

While my husband was walking in and out of the room doing whatever he was doing, this guy, his friend, told me that he found me sexy. Then he appologized and asked me if he was out of line or making me feel uncomfortable in any way. I could have stopped it there but instead I showed him some pictures of myself, then he said he was getting excited thinking about me and I was turning him on, he asked if I was getting excited knowing that I told him I was. It just kept getting worse  at one point he showed me a picture of his dick and asked if he could watch me masterbate or watch my husband and I have sex. That would never happen but I let him think it might. Now this guy is getting me a phone and wanting to buy me stuff which I am all for Lol. My husband on the other hand, wants to kill this guy. I know my behavior is wrong while its happening and it being wrong just fuels it and makes it that much more exciting for me. I am trying to talk my husband into letting me get whatever I can get out of this guy, hes not going to let it happen but I think it would be fun, Idk I know I have issues and I will be discussing this with my therapist on wednesday Lol.