~ Anxious anticipation ~

Anxiety Disorders Association of America

Anxiety Disorders Association of America (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

So today was the day, the day I had my phone appointment to apply for ssi and Ssdi both. They are two differant types of disability benefits. So we will see what happens next. I applied on my own in September 2011 and I was denied, since then I have gotten worse. So this time I have an advocate from the dhs office assigned to me, she will be with me through every step until I receive benefits. So that’s pretty cool. In fact she was the one who set up the phone appointment for me, and said that she can come to me for future appointments. That is such a huge stress reliever, god how I dred appointments or meetings. It didn’t matter what I do or say I have a panic attack every time. It doesn’t happen the same way every time, but it never fails to happen. Sometimes it happens in the car on my way there, sometimes it happens in the waiting room once I arrive, sometimes it happens furring the appointment. I don’t understand why it happens to me. It’s so frustrating. It hasn’t always been this bad. I can remember having anxiety in high school when I was in a new group setting or alone someplace with people I didn’t know. For example: a new class or going to the cafeteria by myself. I remember having severe anxiety whenever I was expected to speak I front of the class. I know a lot of people get nervous before a presentation but what happened to me was so much more than the usual nervousness. Days before my turn to present I would start feeling nauseous and dizzy. When I imagined my self doing the presentation I would start shaking, get short of breath , my heart would beat erratically. I felt flushed and like I was going to pass out. I knew I would pass out, if not have a heart attack if I actually did the presentation so I wouldn’t go to class the days I had to present something.
I know every Job I have ever had the “meetings” whatever they were about or how ever big they were it didn’t make a difference. I panic in them. It’s pretty bad too I start shaking my voice gets quiet and sounds crackly. I have a difficult time getting the right words to come out if my mouth, I will say things all twisted up. Like if I tried saying ” there you go” it might come out as ” you there go” . Plus I start shaking, at times pretty hard too, I remember one time trying to write my name on the sign in sheet, when i finished i looked down at it and it was barely recognizable as a name if any kind. All my shaking caused it to look like a bunch of squiggly lines, not letters. I am convinced everyone thinks something is wrong with me, like I’m retarded, I actually hear people laugh and whisper. I know that it’s about me. I usually get paranoid that my breath stinks so I avoid talking and h
Chew a lot of gum.
Over the years it has gotten worse for me. Now I have been told I have agoraphobia. So my anxiety of social situations has progressed to the point where I am now having an extremely difficult time leaving the house at all. I avoid leaving in fear of having a panic attack.
Anxiously anticipating when I will have a counselor that will be coming to my home, so I can’t panic my way out of the appointments, and can finally start working through some of my issues.

~Public panic~


Anxiety (Photo credit: Rima Xaros)

Well….yesterday I had an appointment at the dhs office. The appointment was for me to meet with someone to discuss whether or not I would qualify for assistance applying for disability benefits (ssi and ssdi).
I developed so much anxiety the few days prior to the appointment. Just knowing it was scheduled caused me anxiety but the closer to the actual date of the appointment it got worse.
In fact the night right before my appointment I couldn’t sleep. My mind wouldn’t shut up. I was up all night. I played out all the possible out comes in my head. Funny thing is, I had no idea, what to expect. I didn’t know what this person was like or What she would be expecting from me? I didn’t know what information they needed from me. I had no way to prepare anything.
Anytime I leave home I have to take Ativan. This day I was rushing around all frazzled and forgot to take it. Especially if I am going somewhere new or somewhere I don’t really like to go. So of all days to forget it just had to be this one.
The DHS office is by far one of my least favorite places to go. Its always packed full of people needing help. You have to wait 20 minutes standing in line just to check in for your appointment. Plus the people working there seem irritated all the time, and never have all the answers.
While I was standing in line more and more people started coming in, it was beginning to get crowded. I started feeling anxious and tried telling my self I would be fine just breathe. When it it was my turn to be helped the guy who I stood 20 minutes in line to talk to just told me he didn’t know how to check people in so I had to get back in line and wait for someone else to help me. When I turned around the lines had doubled in size, I started panicking and had to leave. I told my husband I had to leave. He didn’t understand what was going on and I wasn’t going to talk about it in front of everyone in that office so I left without him, to go sit in the car.
About 15 minutes go by and here comes my husband. He said I had to go back inside. He told the lady I needed to see about my anxiety. So she said if I came back she wouldn’t make me wait in the lobby I could go straight back to her desk. So I did.
She told me it wasn’t nessesary to fill out any more paperwork. She knew I qualified for the help. She said she would personally be the one assisting me and she would be with me every step of the way.
She is a retired nurse, so she knows all about anxiety and how hard it can be. She was extremely nice and wanted me to fill comfortable. She told me that she was going to schedule an appointment to fill out the SSI and SSDI applications and that I could do it over the phone.
She also told me that she could come to my house instead of me having to come to her. Normally it’s not aloud but she said because of my anxiety she would make an exception.

~Shut up head! Its time to sleep~

One of several versions of the painting "...

One of several versions of the painting "The Scream". The National Gallery, Oslo, Norway. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

So I just took an ativan, my little happy pill. I woke up having an anxiety attack. Seriously? I don’t even sleep normally. I’m no stranger to bad dreams. At least once a month my husband has to shake me awake because I am whimpering. In my dream I know I’m dreaming, so I will tell myself to wake up repeatedly and, according to my husband, it ends up sounding like a dying animal.

  Usually After having a bad dream and being shook awake by my startled and concerned husband, I am able to cuddle up next to him and fall back asleep. All I need is him to wrap his arms around me and I sleep the rest of the night without a problem. Oh and I have to cover up my arms. I have come to the conclusion that if I sleep with my arms uncovered and they get cold It will result in me having a bad dream. Every time I have had a bad dream, when I wake up my arms are cold.
   Well this times not my usual. This time is different I cant go back to sleep. No matter what I do, watch TV, read, blog, its not working. My mind wont shut up. My head is full of thoughts. Thoughts that move so fast I cant even make sense of everything. My head is throbbing. I think its causing a migraine.
   Its Monday. The beginning of a new week. Spring break is over and the kids go back to school. I am excited for that lol. I look forward to my quiet mornings when kids are at school. I have an appointment at 1:00 with someone to help me fill out disability paperwork. The Kids and I all have doctors appointments and dentist appointments scheduled this month.
  I have been having major stomach aches and digestion issues too, and I think its a little more than stress causing it. It has been bothering me for a while. I haven’t scheduled an appointment with my doctor to have it checked out. I have convinced myself its because I am too busy tending to more important things. When its actually because I have anxiety so bad I cant even call to schedule a damn appointment for myself.
   Everything scares me lately. I will be posting how everything ends up. For now I need to turn my computer off and lay here with my eyes closed. Eventually I will fall asleep right? I mean that’s what I tell my kids lol.

~Am I sick????~

~Suicide Attempt~

I tried killing myself once. I was using meth off and on, and I love being high. Its kinda like being really manic plus some paranoia, but being paranoid doesn’t bother you so much because everything else is soooo great.
I was fighting with my husband he told me we are done doing drugs which pisses me off why does it always get to be his choice? He acts like he knows whats best, like there is ever a good time for using? Well I was capable of making my own choices and told him if he wanted to quit he could but I wasn’t done yet. I took my pipe and went in the bathroom he broke the door came in there and wrestled me to the floor and taking it. I was so pissed I told him “fine I cant get high I want to die” I grabbed a bottle of Depekote and swallowed as many as I could as fast as I could. He pushed me outside yelling “your not dying in my house” and locked the door. Then he called my sister and told her what I did. My sister rushes over to take me to the hospital, so of course I get in her car and go because I wasn’t mad at her. Once I got to the hospital, they took me back and had me put on a gown, hooked up an IV,  then told me I needed to drink that charcoal stuff. They handed me the drink then left the room. I jumped up put my pants on under the gown detatched the IV from the bag and ran out of the hospital. My drug dealer lived a few blocks away so I was going to go over there get high and hopefully die. I had no idea where I was I got lost, then there was 3 nurses from the hospital trying to convince me to come back. They said at least let us take out your IV so I ripped it out and threw it at them. Then they said we will have to call the cops, suicide is a crime. I said call them and how is anyone going to press charges when I’m dead?? They called the cops. I got arrested. The officer took me to a different hospital (the one my mom died in) and I was given that charcoal stuff again and told I cant talk to my sister who was waiting in the lobby until I finished it. I was so pissed I was kicking the door and screaming I couldn’t die with her being out there all by herself. It was the same hospital mom died at. I dont think she could have handled that. So I drank that nasty stuff, puked, and they let her come back and see me. I had to talk to an on call psychiatrist and was able to convince her I was ok. so she sent me to the cardiac unit over night for obsevation. Then I was released.


I have been on my medication for about a week and a half. I have been sleeping a lot. I went to days without getting out of bed and taking a shower not something I am proud of lol but who the fuck reads this shit anyways?? My anxiety is fucking ridiculous I don’t think anyone knows how crazy I am. I walked to albertsons, 2 blocks away,  today by myself which is kinda a big deal because lately I don’t do anything by myself. The whole way there I was looking down because if I looked up I seen people and cars and everything started to get blurry and I thought I was going to pass out. I had to repeat in my head what I was getting at the store “coffee, Pepsi, chicken”. I imagined where everything was in the store and what I would get first. I could only get the things on my list, I had to repeat everything over and over in my head to distract myself from all the people, and everything happening around me.
  I am honestly terrified of going back to the hospital. So freaked out by it that I try to pretend everything is ok. I am really emotional lately. My life kinda sucks. I dont know if its just the crappy circumstances that is my life or if I need differant meds. Maybe the ones I’m on need more time to work.

~Second time~

My sister seems to come to my rescue quite often. Kinda funny considering Im older. She has always been the more responsible one. So when I need to be “mothered” she’s right there mothering. I will blog more about this later lol.
This was no exception I had lost my mind and she was frantically driving me towards a Portland hospital so I don’t kill myself. I don’t think I was really suicidal but If I could have wished myself dead I would have. I was too emotionally battered to have a “plan” or put any real effort into killing myself.
But due to past attempts I think it’s always in people’s minds.
The first hospital sign we came to was about 20 min before Portland. She took that exit and walked me into the Er. I willingly checked in and was being honest with the staff about what was going on and I was ok with everything until I asked if I could have a cigarette and they told me no. My whole attitude changed I was pissed and wanted to leave. But surprise it’s too late you have been put on a 72hr psych hold. You can’t leave. You can’t smoke. You are being transferred to another hospital, in Portland, with an open bed. That is set up for psych patients.
I remember the nurse bringing me a nicotine patch, I ripped it off and threw it. I wanted to shut my door and she said it needed to stay open. I remember slamming it shut every time she opened it. I remember her bringing in a hospital gown and telling me I needed to change. I told her no. She said you have to, we can do it the easy way or the hard way (calling the cops to hold you down as we do it for you) I said fuck that I will change. I yanked the gown from her and she just stood there. I told her “u can leave I said I would change” she said actually I can’t. I said ” you have got to be joking, you have to fucking watch me?” I couldn’t imagine it being anymore humiliating.
Since this hospital was not equipped for psych patients they put you in a room that is all windows directly in front of the nurses station. So they can watch you.
She offered me Ativan. I took it. I was aloud to have it every hour while I was waiting for transport to the other hospital. So I made a scene for it every hour on the hour. How else was I going to survive this?
After what felt like a life time, transport arrived. I was so happy to leave that hospital, and that nurse who I think enjoyed tormenting me. I really didn’t know what to expect next.
  I remember being scared and wanting to go home, and at this time  I still wasn’t sure where home was, and that scared me even more. I arrived at the hospital at.bed time………..more to come

~Happy Pills~

So I went to see my psychiatrist yesterday. My husband had to go with me. My anxiety has gotten so bad, I am unable to go anywhere alone, without feeling anxious. I immediately start getting short of breath, my hands and face get all sweaty, I start shaking and then I’m convinced everyone knows something’s wrong with me. I feel everyone looking at me. Sometimes I even hear them laughing. It’s pretty bad. I know.
I did not want to see the doctor. I hate having to be on medication. I hate talking about my feelings or how I’m doing. I hate not being normal. Why is everything so damn difficult for me? Why do I have to take 5 prescriptions just to feel ok?
I am so glad my husband was there. He makes me follow through and actually talked to the doctor about whats really going on with me. Which made it impossible for me to come up with any stories to get out of whatever he wanted to prescribe. He made sure i got the meds i needed, and held my hand the whole time. I couldn’t do it alone. I was trying so hard to get out of going but since my husband was going, I had to go. You cant fake a flat tire if someones with you. lol.
For all the curious readers the almighty psychiatrist has prescribed the following meds: Wellbutrin 200 mg 1 tab twice a day, Celexa 10mg 1 tab once a day, both of those for depression. I am also on Trileptal 300mg 3 tabs at bedtime for a mood stabilizer and busbar 15mg 1 tab twice a day and Ativan 1 mg 1 tab up to 3 times a day as needed. Both of those for anxiety. I am being compliant this time. I am taking my meds.
According to the almighty psychiatrist himself,  I should start feeling pretty good in a few weeks. For the meantime, I’m depressed, and I am pissed.

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