Grateful

Happy to report my husband is back to being the super sweet sexy man I fell in love with. I love being married and having someone by side when things get hard. Our youngest kid has been having really bad tummy aches I have been to the emergency room twice and his pediatrician 3 timil all. This was definitely one of those moments I was happy to be married. Its scarry for me to have blood drawn. For a 6 year old its a whole new level of scary. We tried explaining to him what  was going to happen and why it was important. We told him they needed to take some blood so they could do some tests and try to find out what was giving him tummy aches. He asked what they used to get the blood, I said they had a special thing they used.
My husband had our son on his lap holding him while a nurse held his arm down so the phlebotomist could draw his blood. I was trying to distract him so he wouldn’t look, but it didn’t work.
The minute he saw the needle he screamed and kicked he screamed ” ahh its a needle they’re going to kill me” his dad had to calm him down and tell him thats not going to happen. I was freaked out and pretty much useless.
After it was over our son asked if they were going to give him his blood back after they did their tests. He’s so cute.
I’m still laughing.

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Is sorry enough

Last night was horrible! As dedicated as I am to making my marriage work, no matter what!  Last night I almost gave up. I hate alcohol. I hate what it does to people. I hate who my husband becomes when he drinks. He was an absolute prick. Why should I spend all night crying afraid to fall asleep because the people he was fighting with might come back and he’s passed out drunk?
At 3am I told him I wanted to go to bed, and asked if he would come to bed with me. His response: he was two inches from my face ansld screamed fuck you. Seriously? Wtf
I started shaking and crying and thinking do I really deserve this? Am I that pathetic? Why can’t I just walk away? Will it always be this way? I finally told him he was supposed to be the one I turn to when I feel like this not the one who causes me to feel this way. Then he said he was sorry. Is I’m sorry enough?
Sometimes I think I’m the only one who wants it to work. He claims he’s just as committed to working things out. I am just having a hard time recognizing any effort
on his part. Im obviously still upset about all the drama from last night. I do love him and I know he loves me. I’m just irritated and emotionally exhausted.

Simply not simple

So I seem to be repeating myself a lot lately. What i keep saying is “whats simple for you isnt simplr for me” As frustrating as it is, its kinda funny too. People can’t understand why I have panic attacks and why my anxiety is so dibilitating. Because its not a tangable didability im treated like its not that bad. I have actually had friends tell me to shake it off, ir snap out of it. Everyone expects answers from me and my response is if I knew what the cause was or had any clue on how to fix me, I would be fixing myself LOL.
   I just want everyone to realize that I struggle daily. It is real and so not easy. I’m not giving up I have faith I will get through it. I know I will survive. Some days are harder than others but, the biggest issue for me is, when people have a hard time accepting that what they consider to be a simple task is not a simple task for me. Just making a phone call sometimes is too much. It is what it is…
I found these lyrics on line and thought they summed up my whole mood. ENJOY. 

LYRICS to Its Not Easy

By Five For Fighting

    I can’t stand to fly I’m not that naive I’m just out to find The better part of me

I’m more than a bird…I’m more than a plane More than some pretty face beside a train It’s not easy to be me

Wish that I could cry Fall upon my knees Find a way to lie About a home I’ll never see

It may sound absurd…but don’t be naive Even Heroes have the right to bleed I may be disturbed…but won’t you concede Even Heroes have the right to dream It’s not easy to be me

Up, up and away…away from me It’s all right…You can all sleep sound tonight I’m not crazy…or anything…

I can’t stand to fly I’m not that naive Men weren’t meant to ride With clouds between their knees

I’m only a man in a silly red sheet Digging for kryptonite on this one way street Only a man in a funny red sheet Looking for special things inside of me

It’s not easy to be me.

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