One day at a time

So I finally started treatment 1 on 1 sessions, my anxiety is extreemly greatful. I attended an all womens 12 step meeting by myself and.introduced my self. ( for those.that dont know me… Its a pretty big fucking deal!) My anxiety has caused major obstacles in my recovery. Im at 31 days clean today. Yay me!!. I Have a Sponser with 22 years clean, which to me is a damn miracle.
So now im no longer In denial about my disease, I am willing and open even eager to start living a sober life, and really live.
Im struggling with trust and oppening up completely. ” life on lifes terms” scares the hell out of me. I am having a hard time relying on my higher power for guidence. I still find myself trying ti control and destroy my progress.
I have been building a sober peer.support group so I have people I can call or see when things become too much. I am greatful for Na and everyone who has adsisted in showing me how to get helo.

~ Survey About Simply Me….

Long Distance Relationships

Long Distance Relationships Photo credit: valordictus

Sleep with or without clothes on?

   Without

Prefer black or blue pens?

  Black

Dress up on Halloween?

 Occasionally

Like to travel?

 Absolutely

Like Someone?

 Yes

Do they know?

   I would hope so lol

Who sleeps with you every night?

 Husband and my dog

Think you’re attractive?

  Not so much

Want to get married?

  already have

To:

 My husband

Are you a good student?

 Not in highschool

Are you currently happy?

  Depends on the day

Have you ever cheated?? Been cheated on?

 Yes and Yes

Birthplace?

 Eugene Oregon

Christmas or Halloween?

 Halloween (its my daughter’s birthday)

Colored or black-and-white photo?

  black and white

Do long distance relationships work?

 No

Do you believe in astrology?

 Yes

Do you believe in love at first sight?

  Rare I’m sure

Do you consider yourself the life of the party?

 No quite the opposite

Do you drink?

  Not these days I hate drunks!

Do you make fun of people?

 Sad to say I have

Do you think dreams eventually come true?

 If you work hard enough

Favorite fictional character?

 Tinkerbell

Go to the movies or rent?

 Rent

Have you ever moved?

   Too often

Have you ever stolen anything?

 Yep I wasnt the best teenager lol

How’s the weather right now?

  Cold

Last time you cut your hair?

 about a year ago

Last person you talked to on the phone?

  my sister

Last time you showered?

  this am

Loud or soft music?

  Loud

Mcdonalds or Burger King?

  Mcdonalds

Night or day?

 Night

Number of pillows?

  3

Piano or guitar?

 Guitar

Future job?

 Idk

Current job?

 none

Current love?

   My husband

Current longing?

  to be normal

Current disappointment?

  my husbands behavior

Current annoyance?

  my husbands behavior

Last thing you ate?

 crunch berry cereal

Last thing you bought?

 milk

Most recent thing you are looking forward to?

  sleep

What are you hearing right now?

 kids

Plans for the weekend?

 staying home

What did you do today?

  cleaned the kitchen

Pick a lyric, any lyric or song?

 You know that Im a crazy bitch?…I do what I want when I feel like it…. All I want to do is loose control…. Oh,oh  But you dont really give a shit.. You go with it, go with it, go with it…. ’cause your fucking crazy… rock’n’ roll

 

~ The way we once were ~

childhood memory

childhood memory (Photo credit: AlicePopkorn)

One of my friends, actually my best friend at the time, from when I was a teenager has been talking to me on Facebook. Kinda strange catching up after all these years. I can’t believe I can say I knew her 10 years ago. Really? We got old fast. It doesn’t feel like 10 years have gone by. In fact it feels like we were just hanging out. I can clearly remember riding the busses all over portland. Loitering down town. Hooking up with complete losers. Waterfront. Saturday Market. Party’s. Everything was an adventure. Life never lacked excitement. We always found trouble to get in to. When did it stop? Why?
I remember the reason we stopped hanging out, she hated that I had a boyfriend. He took up too much of my time, so I couldn’t run around with her. We got into a huge fight down town Portland telling anyone who would listen every dirty little secret we knew about each other. (girls are damn vicious, we are in it to kill) Then we just stopped talking. We both moved away. Didn’t matter to either of us to stay in contact. I’m pretty sure we hated each other.
Even though we were not friends anymore, we had mutual friends. So every once in a while I would hear what or who she was doing. It took her a while to settle down. I got married and had kids with that boy friend she didn’t like so much. She started stripping, and hitting the drug scene a lot harder than we did together. I seriously thought she was so into that lifestyle, she wouldn’t be able to stop. I expected it to kill her.
Well she got married about 3 years ago, and she just became a mom. She had a hard time getting pregnant. They were trying ever since they got married nothing worked. Then when they were about to give up they decided to try in vitro and it worked. She is now a mom of twins. A boy and a girl.
Most couples want one of each, and a lot of people keep trying until they get both. Kinda nice she got both at once. It makes the wait worth it.
I have a lot of mixed emotions about seeing her. I mean we both have changed so much from the time we knew each other. She is really excited about being a mom and wants to show off the babies, which I get. It’s the best thing in the world becoming a parent. I just don’t know her anymore. She doesn’t know me either so it just feels strange. We are not the same people we once were…., Plus it brings back a lot of anxiety inducing memories lol

~Please explain~

I don’t understand. It just doesn’t make much sense. Why? If someone is having a bad day, or not feeling well, or life happens to be crapping on them for whatever reason , why would someone feel the need to make your life miserable just because they believe their life is?? You know when someone is just so pissy it dosnt matter if you tell them something positive to try and cheer them up, or spit in their face, they are determined to be miserable and their reaction will be the same regardless. They are hurting and want everyone else around them to hurt. I know I have been guilty of this too . I just don’t understand what happens inside of someone to make them behave this way.
Plus why do people think their opinions or beliefs are more important or more valuable than others? If you disagree with me why can’t we just disagree? Why must you see me as such an idiot because I don’t see the situation the same way you do? I’m ok with you having your own interpretation of how things will play out. I hate the way you speak to me in that condescending tone of yours. Trust me you are not as smart as you see yourself, in fact you tend to come across pretty ignorant at times. It’s pretty apparent when you are trying too hard. Its ok for someone not to have all the answers. It’s not ok to give up.
It’s ok to be uneasy and have in security’s but it is not ok to go out of your way to make someone feel bad for something they honestly did not think would be an issue.

 X39JKT4PEP4M

~ So wise and only Five Lol ~

So out of boredom I decided I would interview my 5 year old, and blog the results. In no particular order, I just randomly started asking him questions, and this is what came of it. I cant believe some of his answers, he had me laughing the whole time. He really can  be quite entertaining at times just read for your self…

*What is your Favorite color?
Green.


*What is your Favorite food?
Scrambled eggs


*What is your Favorite movie?
Scooby-doo.


*Who is your Favorite person?
My dog, cousin, mom, dad, brother, sister and myself.


*Do you like school? 
Not really. I do like recess, and the bears, and food, that’s all.

*What is the coolest thing you have ever done?
Make new friends a long time ago, when i just moved here, a long time ago.


*Who is the nicest person you know? 
My cousin, dog, brother, not really, Sister, not really. Mom and dad, mostly every one. Except not a robber. Of course not a robber, right mama?


*Why is important to be nice?
Mom and dad wouldn’t say it, but it just is.


*Why do kids go to school?
You have to. If your sick you don’t have to.


*Why is there money? 
Because if there wasnt, you couldnt even eat anything, or buy anything.


*Are you going to get married? 
Ya!


*How old will u be when u get married? 
17 or a grown up age. Ya! a grown up age. Right mama?


*Will u have kids?
Ya!


*How many kids will you have?
80! No I’m just kidding. He he he….  2


*Why 2 kids?
Because… Maybe 1?  maybe 3?  Maybe,  Maybe, Maybe.


*Is there a God?
Ya!


*How do you know that there is a God?
My sister and brother told me. Because if you die, there wouldnt be nobody up there for you.


*What does God look like?
He has a huge foot , a huge head, a huge nose, a huge butt, a huge stomach, a huge flip flop and that’s all.


*Have you ever talked to God?
No! what do you think, man??? Only if i got knocked out, ya.


*What happens when you dream? 
Nightmares or sleepy stories,don’t know what that is I just said it.


*Did you dream last night ? 
Ya, about a bat moth. It made the sound like you  “EEEEhhhh”
*Occasionally, when I have bad dreams, I scream myself awake. From what I have been told, It sounds much like a dying cat. Lol*


*How did I end up as your mom?
You was a little kid. You had a baby and the doctor helped you take it out.


*How did you end up as my son?
I was in your belly button, and whatever you ate I ate. Blah! broccoli. I don’t like broccoli.


*If you had a dollar what would you buy?
A toy, and food, and 800 dollars?


*You can buy all of that for a dollar?
Ya, maybe, sure.

*What if you had 100 dollars, what would you buy? 
Everything. Except for knifes. Maybe one.


*Why would you need to buy a knife?
To cut stuff. Maybe broccoli, potatoes, carrots.


*Do you remember when you were a baby? 
Only when i was 4.

*What do you remember about being 4? 
Just my birthday. Only my birthday nothing else.

*Is it easy for you to make friends?
Not really.


*Do you have friends? 
Um, Ya!! whole bunch at school and at my friends house.

*What is your favorite thing about dad?
Hes the best. He can fix anything. Except for that one thing I said.


*What is your favorite thing about mom?
Umm your so lazy. ha ha 
*he found this reply to be so funny*


*What is your favorite thing about your brother? 
He is so lazy. Oh I mean no. He’s not lazy.


*What is your favorite thing about your sister?
She is lazier than everyone.  She whines about everything.


*What makes someone mean?
Teasing them.


*Who do you know that’s mean?
 My cousin, when i make him mean. If I want him to chase me, I make him mean.


*Why do dogs bark? 
To tell other dogs I poop here, I live here.


*Who is the smartest person you know? 
A genius. You , my brother, dad and my dog.

*What are you going to be when u grow up?
A cop or whatever my cousin is going to be.


*Why a cop?
Because my cousin wants to be a cop and hes my bestest buddy
.

*What happens when peole get old? 
Die, and it would hurt. and you would be a zombie or a ghost.


*Have u ever seen a zombie or ghost? 
No. My friend did. He saw a ghost and it tried to throw a toy at the back of his head, and it tried to save him from a mean ghost that throws some stuff around the house.

Then he looked at me all seriously and asked: “Do cops get old? Huh, mama”? 
I said: “Yes they do, everyone does.” 
He said: “oh pooh! what about power rangers?’

       Eventually he had enough of my questions and decided that it was time to ask himself two questions. The two questions he asked himself are…..

1. What’s your favorite black color?
 Black green. You mix black with green and its black green.


2.What’s your favorite food color?
 Nothing.

Then it was time for two jokes he made up…

1. Why didn’t the dog go outside?
Because it didnt have the legs for it.

2.Why didn’t the brain go inside of a humans head?
Because it was dead.

   **Just another reminder of why, I am so happy to be a mom; and how having kids can be so much fun!! Especially when they are as cool as mine are…..

~Reflections and Reality no room for Regrets~

Reflection in water

Reflection in water Photo credit: Wikipedia

When your reality is ripped away by a trauma of some kind, I think it’s a pretty natural reaction to question everything. Questioning the choices you have made, or didn’t make. Questioning the things you have done or didn’t do. Questioning all the people in your life from the past to all of your current friends and family. Your purpose and reason for living become questionable. You try to look for a way it could have been prevented. You just want a reason for life to make since again.
I have been thinking alot about all the choices I have made, and the choices that were made for me. I’m trying to remember, if or when it started to get bad. Was there a specific point in my life maybe even just one choice that could have prevented this outcome if it was done differently?
Looking back, I realize that I have made a lot of poor choices. I started remembering some things I completely forgot about, maybe even intentionally forgot about.
I know ultimately I am responsible for where I am in my life. I continuously go from blaming myself, to looking for the slightest reason I can pin the fault on someone else. I think about removing myself from people’s lives to prevent any more pain. Then I get so mad at everyone. I hate that this is happening to my family and not to someone else’s.
I have never done anything bad enough to deserve this, neither has my husband or kids. I can name quite a few people who would deserve it. Yet I’m the one life chooses to puke on.
I really believed that if life ever got bad, i have enough friends and family that would pitch in and help. I believed that nobody would just stand by watching my life disintegrate, especially when they are more than capable of helping to prevent it. Idk. it might have something to do with the fact that any time my husband hears of someone struggling, and we have the means to help, we do. No hesitations. My husband will give up his last 5$ to help someone out. Over the years we have had so many different people stay with us “until they get on their feet” that i’ve actually lost count. Everyone knows that if they need it our doors are always open.
My husband is too nice to people. He has even told me “It’s good karma, if we ever need help people will be there to return the favor” He is way too trusting. He believes that everyone is ultimately good. Um… Yeah right…
To everyone we know especially to the ones we have helped: If I am wrong where are you hiding?? Do you feel remorse? Guilt ?? Or do you even care at all? Nope. of course not. Not one single fucking person.
We are drowning. You have the ability to help and choose to stand by and watch us struggle. Do you remember you might not be doing so well if we didn’t help you???
I feel like telling everyone if they let this happen, I will never forget that they were not here when we needed them the most. But I’m not sure it would make a difference to anyone. I don’t think they give a shit if they have us in their lives or not.
To think people still question why I would say that I hate people, and why I don’t socialize more. I don’t socialize because throughout life people never miss the chance to show how selfish they are. They are never satisfied and constantly wanting more. Nothing is ever enough for them. Its always Take. Take. Take. They never stop fighting to be the one on top. People won’t blink twice about stabbing you in the back if it will benefit them, or make them look better in comparison. In fact some people will deliberately fuck you over just for fun.
While reflecting back on I started thinking about different things that have happened in my life. Some good times and some bad times. I also started remembering different people that have been in and out of my life. Some of the people I only knew for a short time were the most influential people in my life. Some how they managed to impact me the most. I have met some pretty amazing people. I have been pretty fortunate, I have received many blessings and had a lot of good stuff in my life. I would never want those experiences to be different.

Someone once told me that every experience you have had, every choice you have made, has brought you to where you are today. The good and the bad. It is why, you are who you are, today so you should have no regrets.

So we will be ok. How ever this turns out. My family is still my family so I think I’m still pretty damn fortunate.

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