Waiting for happily ever after

I know its still early… but since I stopped using, I go to bed a lot earlier. It dosnt matter what time it us I have no problems sleeping.Lol not tonight. Tonight fucking sucks im in such an irritable mood I want to go to sleep but my mind wont shut the fuck up. I hate everyone around me I keep telling myself its temporary but I dont think anyone could tolerate these people as long as I have. If I wasnt already crazy I would fear loosing my mind. I just want a life back. I feel like I am falling down a hole and as soon as I think im going to hit bottom I  just start falling faster. I wish I could go back and do things different, everytime I start thinking about it I just want to die. I want this chapter in my life to be over. I am ready for happily ever after.

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Life today

Life is not predicable wheresoever…. For some this may seem like common sense, not for me. Lol I am an expert at learning things the hard way, and for myself through petsonal hardships, regardless of the many warnings from others and the many lectures frim loved ones it never prevented me from fucking up on my own/ learning my own lesson. So here I am almost 30 and realizing I can not predict the future and am in control if a lot less than I believed to be in control of. For the record life is looking good. Lol

One day at a time

So I finally started treatment 1 on 1 sessions, my anxiety is extreemly greatful. I attended an all womens 12 step meeting by myself and.introduced my self. ( for those.that dont know me… Its a pretty big fucking deal!) My anxiety has caused major obstacles in my recovery. Im at 31 days clean today. Yay me!!. I Have a Sponser with 22 years clean, which to me is a damn miracle.
So now im no longer In denial about my disease, I am willing and open even eager to start living a sober life, and really live.
Im struggling with trust and oppening up completely. ” life on lifes terms” scares the hell out of me. I am having a hard time relying on my higher power for guidence. I still find myself trying ti control and destroy my progress.
I have been building a sober peer.support group so I have people I can call or see when things become too much. I am greatful for Na and everyone who has adsisted in showing me how to get helo.

Looks are deceiving

Dont just listen to someones words, and believe you jnow who they are. To really know someone you have to look closer, be aware of, and even feel what they are not saying. Only then can you know who someone really is.

Grateful

Happy to report my husband is back to being the super sweet sexy man I fell in love with. I love being married and having someone by side when things get hard. Our youngest kid has been having really bad tummy aches I have been to the emergency room twice and his pediatrician 3 timil all. This was definitely one of those moments I was happy to be married. Its scarry for me to have blood drawn. For a 6 year old its a whole new level of scary. We tried explaining to him what  was going to happen and why it was important. We told him they needed to take some blood so they could do some tests and try to find out what was giving him tummy aches. He asked what they used to get the blood, I said they had a special thing they used.
My husband had our son on his lap holding him while a nurse held his arm down so the phlebotomist could draw his blood. I was trying to distract him so he wouldn’t look, but it didn’t work.
The minute he saw the needle he screamed and kicked he screamed ” ahh its a needle they’re going to kill me” his dad had to calm him down and tell him thats not going to happen. I was freaked out and pretty much useless.
After it was over our son asked if they were going to give him his blood back after they did their tests. He’s so cute.
I’m still laughing.

Is sorry enough

Last night was horrible! As dedicated as I am to making my marriage work, no matter what!  Last night I almost gave up. I hate alcohol. I hate what it does to people. I hate who my husband becomes when he drinks. He was an absolute prick. Why should I spend all night crying afraid to fall asleep because the people he was fighting with might come back and he’s passed out drunk?
At 3am I told him I wanted to go to bed, and asked if he would come to bed with me. His response: he was two inches from my face ansld screamed fuck you. Seriously? Wtf
I started shaking and crying and thinking do I really deserve this? Am I that pathetic? Why can’t I just walk away? Will it always be this way? I finally told him he was supposed to be the one I turn to when I feel like this not the one who causes me to feel this way. Then he said he was sorry. Is I’m sorry enough?
Sometimes I think I’m the only one who wants it to work. He claims he’s just as committed to working things out. I am just having a hard time recognizing any effort
on his part. Im obviously still upset about all the drama from last night. I do love him and I know he loves me. I’m just irritated and emotionally exhausted.

This is on my mind a lot lately

Why do I crave attention? I diliberatly put my self in situations where men give me attention. I am very much in love with my husband, and have made too many mistakes in the past that has put my marriage at risk, I have no intentions of  doing anything stupid again. Some of these guys are super sleazy and  nobody I would be attracted to if I was single, but I still enjoy their compliments and propositions. Even when women come on to me I get excited and I am not into chicks. I am into people being into me.  Im not sure if its a bipolar thing or a me thing. I know I do it. My husband knows I do it. Hes not happy about it. I am honestly trying to do things differantly, but its almost like now that I have acknowledged I have this problem it has become more of an problem.

Recently one of my husbands friends expressed an intrest in me, so what did I do? Not tell him it was inapropriate thats for sure. Oh no, that would be the right thing to do, and if I did the right thing I wouldnt have anything to blog about. Lol.

While my husband was walking in and out of the room doing whatever he was doing, this guy, his friend, told me that he found me sexy. Then he appologized and asked me if he was out of line or making me feel uncomfortable in any way. I could have stopped it there but instead I showed him some pictures of myself, then he said he was getting excited thinking about me and I was turning him on, he asked if I was getting excited knowing that I told him I was. It just kept getting worse  at one point he showed me a picture of his dick and asked if he could watch me masterbate or watch my husband and I have sex. That would never happen but I let him think it might. Now this guy is getting me a phone and wanting to buy me stuff which I am all for Lol. My husband on the other hand, wants to kill this guy. I know my behavior is wrong while its happening and it being wrong just fuels it and makes it that much more exciting for me. I am trying to talk my husband into letting me get whatever I can get out of this guy, hes not going to let it happen but I think it would be fun, Idk I know I have issues and I will be discussing this with my therapist on wednesday Lol.

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