Overloaded

Cabo Home

Cabo Home (Photo credit: FreeCat)

I have had too much time to think today. My mind is overloaded with memories of what I didn’t do. All the empty promises. So many regrets. My head is pounding. I have so many regrets and am trying as hard as I fucking can to get my life back. I miss getting woken up by my kids. I took so much for granted while they were with me I just want another chance to be the mom they deserve to have. I cant imagine life without them. They are the reason i am able to get up and keep moving. They give me strength.

 

I managed to push my dad away. One of the things i have always been good at is pushing people away. I miss being able to talk to him he was one of the few people who could understand me. I hate myself and what i have done to my family. i don”

 

t know if i can fix this and I’m scared.

 

I don’t want to continue to hurt or continue to hurt others. From what i hear recovery is a process and i am headed in the right direction. I am going to make mistakes along the way no body is perfect, i just cant give up and need to stay focused. i am doing this because to me the most important thing in the world is my children. I don’t want to miss out on seeing them grow up. i want to be a part of everything.

 

Is sorry enough

Last night was horrible! As dedicated as I am to making my marriage work, no matter what!  Last night I almost gave up. I hate alcohol. I hate what it does to people. I hate who my husband becomes when he drinks. He was an absolute prick. Why should I spend all night crying afraid to fall asleep because the people he was fighting with might come back and he’s passed out drunk?
At 3am I told him I wanted to go to bed, and asked if he would come to bed with me. His response: he was two inches from my face ansld screamed fuck you. Seriously? Wtf
I started shaking and crying and thinking do I really deserve this? Am I that pathetic? Why can’t I just walk away? Will it always be this way? I finally told him he was supposed to be the one I turn to when I feel like this not the one who causes me to feel this way. Then he said he was sorry. Is I’m sorry enough?
Sometimes I think I’m the only one who wants it to work. He claims he’s just as committed to working things out. I am just having a hard time recognizing any effort
on his part. Im obviously still upset about all the drama from last night. I do love him and I know he loves me. I’m just irritated and emotionally exhausted.

Me jealous? it shows how valuable you are

383793_1701891243803_1733611967_859549_478834568_n

 

Insecurity’s come with the territory. Sadly I know how painful it is not to fall a sleep in your arms every night. The six months we were separated still haunts me.  I never want to spend another night with out you. I have only myself to blame  for the pain that was inflicted. You never gave up on “us”. You never stopped loving me.

Eternally grateful. You cant posibly understand just how precious much your love means to me. You are so much more than my husband. You are my best friend. You are the amazing father of our children. You are my lover. You are my support system. You are  my partner. You are all MINE.

Your unconditional love and tolerance has become a significant inspiration for me to keep motivated. Your forgiveness and understanding has been freeing and shows  me why you never  give up on love.

I have a hard time trusting people, especially other women. From my own behavior, I know how destructive and manipulative females can be. I know the games we play to get our way. I am the only woman you need to be concerned with rescuing. No other woman deserves your sympathy.  My tears are the tears you should want to wipe away.

I refuse to share. You are my hero. Mine alone. As I lay with my head on your chest, held tightly in your arms. Such a firm loving embrace reminding me I am safe. There is nowhere else I would rather be than with you here in my private sanctuary.

When we are together we are solid and unbreakable. Nothing can compete. We  empower each other to keep fighting. We compliment each other where one of us is weak, the other finds strength maintaining balance. Love like this never dies. It can only be described as Perfection.

Your love keeps me alive. You give me strength and make me believe that together we will survive whatever life throws our way.  Just look at the obstacles we have already over came. Our love gets stronger with all the hardships we endure. Our love will  persevere.

Always and Forever you have my love…..

~ How pathetic I have become ~

 25042012-000043  I am seriously fucking pathetic…………….

I WANT TO RUNAWAY….

I WANT TO HIDE FROM IT ALL……..

What happened to me? I used to be stronger why am I accepting this? Is this love? I am scared to death of being without him. When he holds me I feel loved, I feel protected. He says he loves me and I want to believe him because the though of him not loving me hurts too much. I swore if he did it again I would press charges. I would leave. I didn’t. Why? because he said he was sorry and he loved me and that he’s willing to get help. He’s agreed to go to anger management and counseling. I want to believe him too. It started because I have been sleeping all day,  I am pretty depressed no major reasons it just happens . He can’t understand it, he tries but just can’t. He told me to wake up and do something if I can’t then he said I needed to leave. I said fine I will leave, and asked him to give me my phone so I could text someone to come get me. He said ” fuck your phone” and threw it then proceeded to bust the screen. So I grabbed his tablet ( like an iPad) and ran it under water then threw it on the ground. Then he grabbed me by my neck and slammed my head into the kitchen cabinet, then knocked me on the floor. He then started yelling at me saying this was all my fault that I had caused this.  I sent the kids to the neighbor’s house and he took off. I was shaken up real bad, in complete shock. I didn’t want to believe any of this had just happened. It’s not him. What happened to my super loving supportive husband? What happened to the man I married” As much as I didn’t want to believe what had just happened, I couldn’t. It did. I knew I had to call the cops so I called. They came out took a report and recommended I press charges and get a restraining order first thing in the morning. I agreed. They also said if he comes back don’t argue call 911 ASAP. I promised I would. I called my sister had her come over for some support, she seemed kinda irritated because I have called her to come rescue me several times in the past and nothing ever comes from it. I don’t follow through. Not even an hour after the cops left he was back. He said he came back to turn himself in. He said he was sorry and that he knew he fucked up. We kinda started getting into it outside. He said it was a long time coming, but he shouldn’t have done it. I said ya u did fuck up and you fucked up in front of the kids. Some father you are. Looks like you wont be getting father of the year anytime soon.pretty sure the neighbors heard it they were all standing out side being their normal nosy selves. Then he tried to go upstairs to our apartment so I ran ahead of him and locked the door. The kitchen window was open so he told me fine if that’s the way you want it to be, and I go to jail because of you I will have you killed. He said he would make sure that he let the cops know I was unstable. and have been in the hospital twice. He said I would lose. He also said he would tell the cops I assaulted him first and press charges against me. Even though I didn’t touch him. Whatever scratches he has happened when he attacked me, but since he did have marks I was scared they might believe him. So what do I do? I told him I loved him and never want anything bad to happen to us. I said I want you and our kids. That is all I care about. He said if you really love me don’t press charges. Then he said I have the power to stop this, all I have to do is drop the charges so he  doesnt go to jail and he would go to counseling and anger management. He said he knew he needed help and he’s pretty sure its the alcohol that gets him so angry so he said he would get help with that too. So I told him if he promises to get help I wont press charges. I called 911 to tell them not to send the cops back I wouldn’t press charges. It was too late they were here. They cuffed him and told me to wait upstairs. Then the same officer that took the report came up and talked to me. He said he can’t force me to press charges but he sees this a thousand times. Once a guy puts his hands on a woman he will do it again. I told the officer he agreed to get help and since we have kids together I think I should give him that chance. He said if it goes to court it would be mandatory for him to get help. I said well he has agreed to go so I don’t feel its necessary to go to court. In a very polite and professional manner he pretty much told me I was stupid, and he’s probably right I would tell someone else the same thing. I’m really that afraid of everything.I’m really that afraid of being alone that. I’m willing to believe he can be that one in a million, that will change with some help. I really need some help too! I am so mad at myself. I can’t believe I have such low self-esteem that I really believe this is Ok. That maybe I even deserve it because of all the bad choices I have made· maybe this is my Karma. I have caused so much pain for other people is it now my turn to suffer…..

~ Sorry Boys.. Girls have it better! ~

Deutsch: Symbol der Frauenpower (Geballte Faus...

Deutsch: Symbol der Frauenpower (Geballte Faust in Venus-Zeichen). English: Woman-power symbol (clenched fist in Venus sign). עברית: כוח נשים (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Well my husband and I have this little contest, we both created profiles on an online date site as a joke. We are not seriously talking to anyone, and let the people who contact us know we are just there for laughs. Anyways.. The contest is to see who gets the most attention, and who is worth more. There is a thing on there where you can, with their fake money, buy pets and people can buy you as a pet every time you are passed around your value increases.
I am kicking his ass! By a lot. My email is flooded with messages and friends requests, plus my value is over 7,000,000,000,000 and his is a mere 19,000,000. I totally rub it in his face too lol. Now he wants to delete the accounts. Even though I agree we should, part of me really likes the attention. There is just something about an extremely hot guy telling me I’m sexy. Major confidence booster. Some of these guys are pretty pathetic though, one guy actually messaged me and told me what he wanted to do to me. My response was “I don’t think my husbands going to let that happen” well he never wrote back. Lol
All of this attention, as fake as it is, has made me think Girls have it so much better. With hardly any effort put out we can find someone, where guys seem to have to really put some effort in to it. Idk. I’m sure there’s a lot more to it.
Another reason why girls got it better..
We can be anything from innocent sweet submissive to naughty tough and dominate and guys will find us sexy regardless. I don’t think it’s the same for men, I mean who really finds the “nice guy” sexy? Not me, and none of my female friends either. We might say we want a nice guy, usually just to piss off the guy we are with, because he is being an ass for whatever reason. Hell we might even date a “nice guy” but i can promise you, in the bedroom she is pretending you are anything but nice.
Bad boys have always been hot. They always will be. You know they are not afraid to fight, and that’s pretty hot. Men are supposed to be strong, take charge, and not afraid to get dirty. They are supposed to be our protectors, and make us feel safe. That’s what makes them sexy.
I never have to question my safety with my husband. He has recently proven how far he would go to keep me safe. I am damn lucky! If he wasn’t able to fend someone off he would even willingly get his ass kicked to keep me and the kids safe. That’s love lol. Plus being a girl, it’s nothing I have to reciprocate he doesn’t expect me to fight for him. I would so much rather paint my nails…
Ya us girls defiantly have it better.

~What I put up with..~

emotion icon

emotion icon Photo credit: Łukasz Strachanowski

How can i feel so much frustration towards him and be so in love at the same time. He can be so fucking irritating. Its as if he goes out of his way to annoy me or pick a fight. It’s ridiculous what all I put up with being married to him. Its never too much though because I continue taking it smiling the whole time.
Granted I have been under an unusual amount of stress lately. It hasn’t helped anything knowing that my meds need some serious adjusting.
All things considered, I might be feeling things too intensely. Its possible I am making it worse than it needs to be. I have been having some major mood swings, even I can see that.
Neither one of us know how to handle our current circumstances. I just can’t understand why we have to be at each others throats all the time. Shouldn’t we be a team? Try to work together? Nope. Not us. That would be the right thing to do and we never do things the right way. We have to learn the hard way.
We both have a hard time processing stress. I freak out, get so emotional and have a panic attack resulting in the need for Ativan aka my happy pills. His method to cope is drinking. Whatever he can get to drown out his problems. He wants to be numb and not have to feel any emotion. Showing emotion, to him, is some sort of character defect. It’s the same as telling everyone you are weak. It’s just not acceptable for him.
It didn’t take long for him to revert back to his old self. All his old habits are creeping back around. He went from being so patient and understanding to “I don’t give a shit and your just crazy”
He is back to drinking and trying to lie about it. Like its not completely obvious he’s stumbling around. Not to mention he slurs his words and nods out. Plus you can smell it on him. He insists he has no problem yet still feels the need to lie about it. So why is that?
I hate fighting with him and that seems to be all we ever do anymore. It’s so exhausting. I don’t even know how I’m supposed to react anymore. Everything winds up being my fault anyways. There is no accountability for him.
When did he become the one in control anyways? I used to be the one in control. Or at the very I wasn’t afraid of defending myself.
I used to think I was so much better than him. That no way he could ever get with anyone else. I thought I was the best thing that ever happened to him. I used to tell people I wasn’t afraid of him fucking around regardless of how many times i did it to him. I was the only one dumb enough to sleep with him.
Well he finally had enough if me fucking whoever I wanted while he waited for me to come home. When we broke up this last time he fucked 2 people. Even though I am way Better than the 2 people he slept with. (one of them was a toothless crack head and the other one had the worlds fattest ass. You have to be careful not to get too close or it will suck you in, and nobody would ever see you again.) That showed me huh? Now that he has been with other people I am not so sure of myself.
I’m scared of pissing him off and pushing him away. So now I pretty much do whatever he says. He is becoming quite controlling. He doesn’t like me talking to certain people. He complains I never leave the house then gets mad when I do. He plays it off like he’s looking out for me and just wants to protect me.
Even though he says he trusts me and insists he has forgiven me. His behavior says otherwise. When he drinks enough it’s a whole different story. He holds nothing back. I hear all about how big of a slut I am… And never mind my feelings, according to him all I care about is fucking. He accuses me of wanting to sleep with every guy we know.
He always finds a way of bringing up how I tried to kill myself. He tells me how hard it was for him, how he can’t forget the image of me swallowing all those pulls. He says that the look that I had on my face haunts him. He says that his worst fear is me taking my life.
There are a few major fucked up things that have happened over the years. We remeHe never has any memories of the times he has clearly been in the wrong. We have opposite memories of what happened that day. I distinctly remember him pushing me outside and locking the door telling me I can’t die in his house. When I was in the hospital I wanted nothing more than for him to come comfort me. I needed him and he basically told me to fuck off. According to him he was the concerned husband and he didn’t come to the hospital because he was too scared to see me like that.
Is he just pretending to love me? Is he really afraid I will do something stupid if he actually leaves me?
It makes me wonder if he regrets getting back together and trying to work out our problems. He has told me that he enjoyed his freedom and not having to answer to anyone but himself while we were separated.
Sometimes the way he looks at me or even talks to me, even just the tone of his voice, makes me question his motives for reconciliation in the first place.
No matter what happens. I will never leave him again. I know without a doubt I am in love with him. I want to spend the rest of my life with him. He will have to be the one to end it and the thought of him doing that is absolutely horrifying. You better believe I’m not going out without a fight. FYI: When I want something bad enough I will get it.

~Love, and being in love is priceless~

Love for Arts

Love for Arts (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

It has been really difficult for me to be “in love” I looked for any little problem as a sign that I’m not really in love. I told so many lies, to everyone including my self, just to make it believable. I didn’t want to be in love.
Being vulnerable, letting someone have that much control over me seemed like some sort of weakness. I had to be strong at all times. I couldn’t let anyone too close because they would see how weak I really am.
I didn’t feel like I deserved to be loved. I thought there was no way my husband could live me especially after everything I put him through.
I know now thats not true. I dont think we always get to choose who we love. Some people have a way of breaking down your walls and never letting you put them back up. I wish I could go back and tell myself how stupid and selfish I was acting. I wish I wouldn’t have been so determined not to be in love. I wasted so much time.
I am so blessed, so lucky to have such an amazing husband. He has given me 3 of the worlds greatest kids. Without a doubt, with everything inside of me I am so in love with him. I dint care how stupid i look or what other people think. I tell him only about a hundred times a day just how much I love him. My chest gets all warm and heavy and i get butterflies just thinking about him. I don’t want him to ever have to question it ever again.
He has been and always will be there for me, and I want him to know I am always here for him as well. We don’t always agree on things and bicker about stupid things but when it comes down to what really matters, we are for once, on the same page. Neither one of us is going anywhere.
I wouldn’t give up being able to cuddle to him every night. Not even for all the money in the world. That feeling that I have been in denial about, the one I was so afraid of really is the most priceless treasure in the world.

  • Simply Me

  • *********f you like what you see, don't just read it follow along too*********

    Join 96 other followers

  • Free SEO Tools

  • Active Search Results
  • Whats Popular