~ Not much ~

25042012-000407

So today has been quite a day. A lot has happened, considering I have only been awake for a few hours here and there, I’m not completely sure it all really happened. Lol

I have been sleeping my life away. Nothing abnormal about that. It’s the one guarantee I  got these days…

Well I deleted my Aunt and the rest of the highly destructive family I had off my face book, as well as my husbands and kids profiles. That felt good. A really good friend from my past contacted me via Facebook. It was rally nice hearing from him crazy how much time has gone by and how much has happened in both of our lives. I had so much to say to him IMing on Facebook doesn’t seem to be fast enough for me so  he dowloaded skype just for me Lol.

Seeing him was nice but kinda depressing too. I started remembering all sorts of stuff from back then. Like I got my first tattoo with him. I was a lot more social. I was young and full of life.I was so much happier. I was a completely different person. I was shy but I  wasn’t as scared as I am now. What happened to that person can I get her back?

My husband is signed up with a counselor for meds and to work on his anger issues. He is going to start AA on Monday. He did this all on his own too. Located the places even rode the bus with our youngest on cross town to sign up so I know he is serious about getting help.

What scares me is how he talks about what happened. I feel he fucked up bad. He crossed a line I had no part in that.  He doesnt agree.  My uncle told him if he everputs his hands on me epecially in front of the kids he will have aeal problem. As sweet as that is, myuncle is old and disabled, not really threatning. My husband responded by saying he pushed me and its nobody’s buiness because they don’t have all the facts.

I don’t know why he feels the need to downplay what happened to everyone because when its just us he as no problem saying ” As hard as  I knocked you into the Cabinet you should have a big gash”  lucky for him I don’t bruise easilly. I do have a decent sized bump on my head and from above my right eyebrow to my ear, I am extremely sore.  I can’t even sleep on my right side.

My husbands mother got released from prison and is going go be in a halfway house near us so that’s been anxiety inducing for sure. I guess a lot has been on my mind but that’s all I feel up to sharing for now.

~I know me and I’m sorry your stupid~

So my latest “unofficial diagnosis” is, I say unofficial because it was a counselor that told me not my psychiatrist, Post traumatic stress disorder. Seriously? as if being bipolar and having panic attacks and severe anxiety problems including social anxiety disorder wasn’t enough someone had to suggest something else…
  I don’t really think I am that crazy but listening to other people talk you would think I should be locked up at some freak show exhibit. Especially listening to people who have no real information about anything, they just think they know everything.
   I went to my aunts house today to barrow money, because of our crappy financial situation. I have been dreading going out there lately because her daughters, my cousins, get under my skin quicker than anyone. They are some of the most opinionated, loud, bitchy people I have ever met. They really have no clue what its like for someone yet they are so quick to offer up advice.
  I don’t understand why they feel its there place, or even necessary for them to talk sometimes. They have to know their input is not always wanted or appreciated. Right? I don’t know.
    The whole reason I am so worked up, is because when I was out there today I was talking to someone else who has been diagnosed bipolar. We were compairing diagnosis’s and information and when I was asked about my ups and downs associated with being bipolar my cousin blurts out ” she has major ups and downs but she is schizophrenic too, not just bipolar” I looked at her and said ” what are you talking about? I have never been diagnosed schizophrenic” Then she actually started arguing with me like I didn’t know my own diagnosis. WTF? I was soooo pissed. Thank god for ativan and Thank god I’m just crazy because it must really suck being that ignorant.

~ Craigslist Casual Encounters~

Knowing how wrong it is, excites me. I’m drawn to them, like a moth is drawn to light. I am very good at creating problems, especially when things are going good. Self sabotaging in a way.
I am beginning to realize I have a major problem with sex. Besides the pleasure, sex makes me feel worthy, like I have a purpose. Not just any sex either. I like it best when it feels wrong. I am ok with not using protection and I actually get a rush from taking chances. I was at the health clinic just about every weekend, as a teen, to get the morning after pill.
This, risky behavior, goes all the way back to when I lost my virginity. I was 12, hadn’t even started my period yet, and ran away from home with the sole purpose of loosing my virginity. My best friend at the time introduced me to one of her boyfriends friends over the phone. I talked to him for a few days told him i wanted to loose my virginity and he was all for being my first. He was 21. I remember just laying there not knowing what I was supposed to do. It didn’t hurt, but it didn’t feel good either. I didn’t understand all the hype. After he finished and got off of me, I went outside sat on the stairs and just started crying. Some guy started walking up the stairs I bummed a cigarette off him. He sat with me didn’t ask what was wrong but it was still comforting. So when he said he would keep me company if I came back inside I didn’t hesitate to follow. I don’t remember how it happened but I had sex with him too. Later I found out he was 17 and the brother of the first guy I slept with.
It didn’t get any better after that. Sex became kind of like a competition between my friends. I was always trying to out do somebody. The more extreme, the sluttier, the better. I slept with older men. I slept with my friends boyfriends. I was sneaking out my window, as well as sneaking guys in. The thrill was in the possibility of getting caught.
I hooked up with men off live links, (that was before Craigslist) and told them I was 18. Then after they slept with me I told them my real age. I have had numerous one nighters and slept with guys that didn’t even tell me their name. I had sex in public places, sex in porn booths, churches, stolen cars, even schools, and all before I was 18.
My husband was no exception. I was dating his cousin (my first love) before we hooked up. Before my husband and I hooked up I had sex with his cousin while he laid in bed next to us. I wasn’t really into my husband at first, but he had drugs and when I am high all I want to do is have sex, for hours and hours, until im so exhausted that I can’t move anymore.
I have never been faithful to any guy I dated. I stayed with a guy just until I found someone I liked better. I always cheated, and continued to cheat even after getting married.
I have cheated on my husband 11 times. I always found a way to make it my husbands fault too. He wasnt spending time with me, he drank too much, he didn’t have a job. I looked for anything I could to justify my behavior. I was wrong. There is no justification. I fucked up. Whatever he was doing at the time, he was not responsible for the way i was acting.
I hooked up with guys that I thought were cuter, or guys that had a job, or guys that I felt I had a connection with. I even slept with guys that claimed to be his friend. Nothing ever lasted, and my husband always took me back.
I should no better but once again, I found myself responding, and posting, to casual encounters. Not sure if it’s desperation or boredom. I still find myself wanting something better, something more exiting, something that’s not mine and might not even exist.
I thought I wanted to hook up with someone and got a response from a normal guy. Of all places to meet a decent person lol. He actually gave me some good advice. He made me reevaluate my situation and make a little more since of things. One thing he said that really stuck was “you don’t always have to do something” it was pretty powerful statement. He was absolutely right. I always feel like I have to do something, and that something causes more problems than its worth……

~Relationships~

I know my Illness is putting a lot of strain on my relationships with family and friends. My husband gets it the worst. He is around me all the time and never gets a break he has to witness all my ups and downs and everything in between. I have done some really fucked up stuff to him and I kind of believe I was trying to push him away. Part of me has always felt like I don’t deserve to have be happy, or I am not capable of pleasing others. Even as a kid I was a fuck up. I ran away, did drugs, stole shit, lied whatever. I was constantly doing shit to disappoint my parents. I have cheated on him so many times. I have been with 11 guys in the 10 years we have been married. I wasn’t even sure if my youngest son was his. He never cheated on me and was always waiting for me to get my head out of my ass and come back to him. He is not perfect either, he is an alcoholic. The more stressful our life is the more he drinks. My mother had a “friend” that lived with us for along time when I was a kid, he was an alcoholic and all the memory’s I have about him are bad. One fucked up memory after another. My husband scares me when he drinks. If we start fighting he gets so angry he looks like he is going to explode. There is no rationalizing with him, he is right I am wrong and I am a piece of shit. Then in the morning when he realizes what he did he apologizes. He has only hit me once. My oldest son was about 2 years old, he was sitting in my lap, out of nowhere he threw his sippy cup at the back of his dads head. My husband jumped up and started coming towards us yelling at my son. I thought he was going to kill him. I remember telling him “wait wait it was me, I threw it.” He pulled his arm back and hit me in the face, hard enough to knock the breath out of me. I remember thinking what the fuck just happened and crying. I never told anyone and we don’t ever talk about it either. He apologized, and has never done anything that bad since.

Lately he has been screaming and throwing stuff, he threw a glass mirror across the room when we were arguing I thought for sure it was coming for me, but it hit the floor and shattered everywhere. He started kicking shit in the kitchen and broke a bunch of glass. He threw a lamp in the bathroom shattering glass all over the floor. I just freeze he scares the shit out of me when he acts like that I don’t know what to do. He imediatly apologizes he knows he is over reacting and promises he would never hit me again but when he gets that mad its like he is a different person I don’t think he can control it. 
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