~ Not much ~

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So today has been quite a day. A lot has happened, considering I have only been awake for a few hours here and there, I’m not completely sure it all really happened. Lol

I have been sleeping my life away. Nothing abnormal about that. It’s the one guarantee I  got these days…

Well I deleted my Aunt and the rest of the highly destructive family I had off my face book, as well as my husbands and kids profiles. That felt good. A really good friend from my past contacted me via Facebook. It was rally nice hearing from him crazy how much time has gone by and how much has happened in both of our lives. I had so much to say to him IMing on Facebook doesn’t seem to be fast enough for me so  he dowloaded skype just for me Lol.

Seeing him was nice but kinda depressing too. I started remembering all sorts of stuff from back then. Like I got my first tattoo with him. I was a lot more social. I was young and full of life.I was so much happier. I was a completely different person. I was shy but I  wasn’t as scared as I am now. What happened to that person can I get her back?

My husband is signed up with a counselor for meds and to work on his anger issues. He is going to start AA on Monday. He did this all on his own too. Located the places even rode the bus with our youngest on cross town to sign up so I know he is serious about getting help.

What scares me is how he talks about what happened. I feel he fucked up bad. He crossed a line I had no part in that.  He doesnt agree.  My uncle told him if he everputs his hands on me epecially in front of the kids he will have aeal problem. As sweet as that is, myuncle is old and disabled, not really threatning. My husband responded by saying he pushed me and its nobody’s buiness because they don’t have all the facts.

I don’t know why he feels the need to downplay what happened to everyone because when its just us he as no problem saying ” As hard as  I knocked you into the Cabinet you should have a big gash”  lucky for him I don’t bruise easilly. I do have a decent sized bump on my head and from above my right eyebrow to my ear, I am extremely sore.  I can’t even sleep on my right side.

My husbands mother got released from prison and is going go be in a halfway house near us so that’s been anxiety inducing for sure. I guess a lot has been on my mind but that’s all I feel up to sharing for now.

~ The way we once were ~

childhood memory

childhood memory (Photo credit: AlicePopkorn)

One of my friends, actually my best friend at the time, from when I was a teenager has been talking to me on Facebook. Kinda strange catching up after all these years. I can’t believe I can say I knew her 10 years ago. Really? We got old fast. It doesn’t feel like 10 years have gone by. In fact it feels like we were just hanging out. I can clearly remember riding the busses all over portland. Loitering down town. Hooking up with complete losers. Waterfront. Saturday Market. Party’s. Everything was an adventure. Life never lacked excitement. We always found trouble to get in to. When did it stop? Why?
I remember the reason we stopped hanging out, she hated that I had a boyfriend. He took up too much of my time, so I couldn’t run around with her. We got into a huge fight down town Portland telling anyone who would listen every dirty little secret we knew about each other. (girls are damn vicious, we are in it to kill) Then we just stopped talking. We both moved away. Didn’t matter to either of us to stay in contact. I’m pretty sure we hated each other.
Even though we were not friends anymore, we had mutual friends. So every once in a while I would hear what or who she was doing. It took her a while to settle down. I got married and had kids with that boy friend she didn’t like so much. She started stripping, and hitting the drug scene a lot harder than we did together. I seriously thought she was so into that lifestyle, she wouldn’t be able to stop. I expected it to kill her.
Well she got married about 3 years ago, and she just became a mom. She had a hard time getting pregnant. They were trying ever since they got married nothing worked. Then when they were about to give up they decided to try in vitro and it worked. She is now a mom of twins. A boy and a girl.
Most couples want one of each, and a lot of people keep trying until they get both. Kinda nice she got both at once. It makes the wait worth it.
I have a lot of mixed emotions about seeing her. I mean we both have changed so much from the time we knew each other. She is really excited about being a mom and wants to show off the babies, which I get. It’s the best thing in the world becoming a parent. I just don’t know her anymore. She doesn’t know me either so it just feels strange. We are not the same people we once were…., Plus it brings back a lot of anxiety inducing memories lol

~Less negativity~

Nail polishes

Nail polishes (Photo credit: The Style PA)

I have been wasting way to much time and energy, blogging about and even obsessing all day, over  the negative stuff in my life. Oblivious to the fact there is still plenty of good things  in my life. My blog has become quite depressing, and not a really what my life is all about. So I hope this list can change the current vibe.

 Some of The Good Things:

  * Re-connecting with people who understand.
Thanks to Facebook, I have re-connected with someone who might not even know how influential they have been, or how appreciative I am to know them. This person was available to listen when I really needed someone to listen. Having someone to listen, and not judge you, really can make all the difference.
 *My dads
I don’t always do a good job expressing my appreciation. I really suck at apologizing. Its not because I don’t want to, more like just an ” I’m sorry ” isn’t good enough. God knows they have been put through some pretty heavy shit thanks to me lol. It has not changed the fact that they will always love me. They will always be there for me.
 * My kids
They are constantly amazing me. I dont know how I helped create 3 of the worlds greatest people, but I have. If you know my kids, then you know this is true. All 3 of them have a way of cheering me up without even trying. They all have their own special ways of doing things. They never fail to make me smile.
* My husband
He is capable of comforting me like nobody else can, I know he always  and always will love me. When I am with him I am safe, especially when he wraps his arms around me. When I lay with my head on his chest, there is no place I would rather be. I wish I could freeze time and stay in that moment, with him, forever.
*My Sister
Although she is younger, nobody could tell, she has always been the more responsible one. She has bailed me out of many, many situations. She has always been dependable and supportive. If I go to battle she always has my side, even if I am clearly the one in the wrong.
*chocolate
What more do I need to say about chocolate?
* Red nail polish
Nothing is sexier than some bright red nail polish. When feeling less than  attractive just slap on some red nail polish and watch how quickly that changes.
* Sex
Much like chocolate nothing more needs to be said.
* the color pink
Easily accommodates every mood. From girly and sweet with pastels to the more exciting brighter shades, can even feel naughty when paired with something black.
* my dog
I adopted her off of craigslist. Such a cute but  hyper little thing.  She is half chihuahua  half Pomeranian.She can be very moody, like me so naturally we bonded instantly lol.
* ativan
Many days I could not have survived with out it. My happy pills.
*Memories
Because there are a lot of good ones.
*flip flops
So much fun, comfy, and cute.
*Short shorts
Because my legs are hot!
*sunshine
Summertime, adventures, plus people wear a lot less clothes lol
*laughter
You can never have enough its value is way under appreciated .
*Hugs and kisses and cuddling.
All the little reminders that you are loved.
*my IPhone
Even though It has no phone service currently, I am able to blog from anywhere.
*Mascara, Hair straightener, and chap stick.
A few things I could not live without.
Nike’s
My favorite only because  they are the cutest tennis shoes ever. 
Pixie Stix
For all the sugary goodness, and more reasons.. sorry folks I will be keeping those all to myself… Lol
Pepsi
It is my favorite soda, and from what I have been told… “It’s what crazy people drink” ** fitting in my circumstances lol

Thats enough for now. I will more than likely add more stuff as I remember it.

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