Grateful

Happy to report my husband is back to being the super sweet sexy man I fell in love with. I love being married and having someone by side when things get hard. Our youngest kid has been having really bad tummy aches I have been to the emergency room twice and his pediatrician 3 timil all. This was definitely one of those moments I was happy to be married. Its scarry for me to have blood drawn. For a 6 year old its a whole new level of scary. We tried explaining to him what  was going to happen and why it was important. We told him they needed to take some blood so they could do some tests and try to find out what was giving him tummy aches. He asked what they used to get the blood, I said they had a special thing they used.
My husband had our son on his lap holding him while a nurse held his arm down so the phlebotomist could draw his blood. I was trying to distract him so he wouldn’t look, but it didn’t work.
The minute he saw the needle he screamed and kicked he screamed ” ahh its a needle they’re going to kill me” his dad had to calm him down and tell him thats not going to happen. I was freaked out and pretty much useless.
After it was over our son asked if they were going to give him his blood back after they did their tests. He’s so cute.
I’m still laughing.

Is sorry enough

Last night was horrible! As dedicated as I am to making my marriage work, no matter what!  Last night I almost gave up. I hate alcohol. I hate what it does to people. I hate who my husband becomes when he drinks. He was an absolute prick. Why should I spend all night crying afraid to fall asleep because the people he was fighting with might come back and he’s passed out drunk?
At 3am I told him I wanted to go to bed, and asked if he would come to bed with me. His response: he was two inches from my face ansld screamed fuck you. Seriously? Wtf
I started shaking and crying and thinking do I really deserve this? Am I that pathetic? Why can’t I just walk away? Will it always be this way? I finally told him he was supposed to be the one I turn to when I feel like this not the one who causes me to feel this way. Then he said he was sorry. Is I’m sorry enough?
Sometimes I think I’m the only one who wants it to work. He claims he’s just as committed to working things out. I am just having a hard time recognizing any effort
on his part. Im obviously still upset about all the drama from last night. I do love him and I know he loves me. I’m just irritated and emotionally exhausted.

I just want to scream…….

Ok so I am a bit manic like these days. I say manic like because I’m not sure what else to call it lol. I have this unsatisfying need to accomplish everything I can as quickly as I can. The more I get done, the more I feel I need to do. I haven’t had much use for sleep instead I clean, read, or do some writing. I have been having really intense depression where all I want to do is sleep so when I kick the depression, I feel so good I’m instantly full of energy, extremely happy, overly animated and manic like. Its manageable, so far, for the most part I haven’t done anything that has got me in trouble. I feel like I have been going from one extreme to the next there is no in between anymore. Its all major ups and downs. No time to adjust I’m just thrown from one end of an emotional roller coaster to the other. It would be nice if I had the power to pause my life for five minutes. I would spend those five minutes screaming. That would be amazing. Five whole minutes where I didn’t have my mind overflowing with nonsense, or ridiculous anxiety’s and I could make as much noise as I needed.

My husband and me

My husband and me

Only the sexiest man in the world! He is all mine. He is my everything. My heart belongs to him. Always and forever……

Me jealous? it shows how valuable you are

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Insecurity’s come with the territory. Sadly I know how painful it is not to fall a sleep in your arms every night. The six months we were separated still haunts me.  I never want to spend another night with out you. I have only myself to blame  for the pain that was inflicted. You never gave up on “us”. You never stopped loving me.

Eternally grateful. You cant posibly understand just how precious much your love means to me. You are so much more than my husband. You are my best friend. You are the amazing father of our children. You are my lover. You are my support system. You are  my partner. You are all MINE.

Your unconditional love and tolerance has become a significant inspiration for me to keep motivated. Your forgiveness and understanding has been freeing and shows  me why you never  give up on love.

I have a hard time trusting people, especially other women. From my own behavior, I know how destructive and manipulative females can be. I know the games we play to get our way. I am the only woman you need to be concerned with rescuing. No other woman deserves your sympathy.  My tears are the tears you should want to wipe away.

I refuse to share. You are my hero. Mine alone. As I lay with my head on your chest, held tightly in your arms. Such a firm loving embrace reminding me I am safe. There is nowhere else I would rather be than with you here in my private sanctuary.

When we are together we are solid and unbreakable. Nothing can compete. We  empower each other to keep fighting. We compliment each other where one of us is weak, the other finds strength maintaining balance. Love like this never dies. It can only be described as Perfection.

Your love keeps me alive. You give me strength and make me believe that together we will survive whatever life throws our way.  Just look at the obstacles we have already over came. Our love gets stronger with all the hardships we endure. Our love will  persevere.

Always and Forever you have my love…..

Its not ok

So the latest drama for me is the D.A., not me, is wanting to press charges against my husband for assaulting me. Apparently its a felony with a 5 year sentence because it happened in front of the kids. I have been avoiding posting about this because it is not easy to think about for so many reasons…

 I am so angry that it happened. He knows he fucked up. We have been under a ridiculous amount of stress, I know that doesn’t excuse his behavior, he knows that too. It took him a minute, but he came to the realization on his own. He  signed up for alcohol treatment and counseling for his anger. He is an alcoholic he turns into a complete jackass when he drinks. It only takes one beer and he’s a completely different person. Its been his problem for years. He’s finally acknowledging he has a real problem and seeking help for it. He also scheduled an appointment with a doctor to see if there is something more going on.

So is it really necessary for him to go to jail for 5 years? Shouldn’t he be aloud the opportunity to get help first. I don’t want to spend a night without him, how will I get through 5 years?  My kids wont have their dad around its just so fucked up. I love him so much it sucks it got this bad for us but there re plenty of real criminals out here they should be worrying about.

 

~ Not much ~

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So today has been quite a day. A lot has happened, considering I have only been awake for a few hours here and there, I’m not completely sure it all really happened. Lol

I have been sleeping my life away. Nothing abnormal about that. It’s the one guarantee I  got these days…

Well I deleted my Aunt and the rest of the highly destructive family I had off my face book, as well as my husbands and kids profiles. That felt good. A really good friend from my past contacted me via Facebook. It was rally nice hearing from him crazy how much time has gone by and how much has happened in both of our lives. I had so much to say to him IMing on Facebook doesn’t seem to be fast enough for me so  he dowloaded skype just for me Lol.

Seeing him was nice but kinda depressing too. I started remembering all sorts of stuff from back then. Like I got my first tattoo with him. I was a lot more social. I was young and full of life.I was so much happier. I was a completely different person. I was shy but I  wasn’t as scared as I am now. What happened to that person can I get her back?

My husband is signed up with a counselor for meds and to work on his anger issues. He is going to start AA on Monday. He did this all on his own too. Located the places even rode the bus with our youngest on cross town to sign up so I know he is serious about getting help.

What scares me is how he talks about what happened. I feel he fucked up bad. He crossed a line I had no part in that.  He doesnt agree.  My uncle told him if he everputs his hands on me epecially in front of the kids he will have aeal problem. As sweet as that is, myuncle is old and disabled, not really threatning. My husband responded by saying he pushed me and its nobody’s buiness because they don’t have all the facts.

I don’t know why he feels the need to downplay what happened to everyone because when its just us he as no problem saying ” As hard as  I knocked you into the Cabinet you should have a big gash”  lucky for him I don’t bruise easilly. I do have a decent sized bump on my head and from above my right eyebrow to my ear, I am extremely sore.  I can’t even sleep on my right side.

My husbands mother got released from prison and is going go be in a halfway house near us so that’s been anxiety inducing for sure. I guess a lot has been on my mind but that’s all I feel up to sharing for now.

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