Grateful

Happy to report my husband is back to being the super sweet sexy man I fell in love with. I love being married and having someone by side when things get hard. Our youngest kid has been having really bad tummy aches I have been to the emergency room twice and his pediatrician 3 timil all. This was definitely one of those moments I was happy to be married. Its scarry for me to have blood drawn. For a 6 year old its a whole new level of scary. We tried explaining to him what  was going to happen and why it was important. We told him they needed to take some blood so they could do some tests and try to find out what was giving him tummy aches. He asked what they used to get the blood, I said they had a special thing they used.
My husband had our son on his lap holding him while a nurse held his arm down so the phlebotomist could draw his blood. I was trying to distract him so he wouldn’t look, but it didn’t work.
The minute he saw the needle he screamed and kicked he screamed ” ahh its a needle they’re going to kill me” his dad had to calm him down and tell him thats not going to happen. I was freaked out and pretty much useless.
After it was over our son asked if they were going to give him his blood back after they did their tests. He’s so cute.
I’m still laughing.

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I just want to scream…….

Ok so I am a bit manic like these days. I say manic like because I’m not sure what else to call it lol. I have this unsatisfying need to accomplish everything I can as quickly as I can. The more I get done, the more I feel I need to do. I haven’t had much use for sleep instead I clean, read, or do some writing. I have been having really intense depression where all I want to do is sleep so when I kick the depression, I feel so good I’m instantly full of energy, extremely happy, overly animated and manic like. Its manageable, so far, for the most part I haven’t done anything that has got me in trouble. I feel like I have been going from one extreme to the next there is no in between anymore. Its all major ups and downs. No time to adjust I’m just thrown from one end of an emotional roller coaster to the other. It would be nice if I had the power to pause my life for five minutes. I would spend those five minutes screaming. That would be amazing. Five whole minutes where I didn’t have my mind overflowing with nonsense, or ridiculous anxiety’s and I could make as much noise as I needed.

This is on my mind a lot lately

Why do I crave attention? I diliberatly put my self in situations where men give me attention. I am very much in love with my husband, and have made too many mistakes in the past that has put my marriage at risk, I have no intentions of  doing anything stupid again. Some of these guys are super sleazy and  nobody I would be attracted to if I was single, but I still enjoy their compliments and propositions. Even when women come on to me I get excited and I am not into chicks. I am into people being into me.  Im not sure if its a bipolar thing or a me thing. I know I do it. My husband knows I do it. Hes not happy about it. I am honestly trying to do things differantly, but its almost like now that I have acknowledged I have this problem it has become more of an problem.

Recently one of my husbands friends expressed an intrest in me, so what did I do? Not tell him it was inapropriate thats for sure. Oh no, that would be the right thing to do, and if I did the right thing I wouldnt have anything to blog about. Lol.

While my husband was walking in and out of the room doing whatever he was doing, this guy, his friend, told me that he found me sexy. Then he appologized and asked me if he was out of line or making me feel uncomfortable in any way. I could have stopped it there but instead I showed him some pictures of myself, then he said he was getting excited thinking about me and I was turning him on, he asked if I was getting excited knowing that I told him I was. It just kept getting worse  at one point he showed me a picture of his dick and asked if he could watch me masterbate or watch my husband and I have sex. That would never happen but I let him think it might. Now this guy is getting me a phone and wanting to buy me stuff which I am all for Lol. My husband on the other hand, wants to kill this guy. I know my behavior is wrong while its happening and it being wrong just fuels it and makes it that much more exciting for me. I am trying to talk my husband into letting me get whatever I can get out of this guy, hes not going to let it happen but I think it would be fun, Idk I know I have issues and I will be discussing this with my therapist on wednesday Lol.

~ Not much ~

25042012-000407

So today has been quite a day. A lot has happened, considering I have only been awake for a few hours here and there, I’m not completely sure it all really happened. Lol

I have been sleeping my life away. Nothing abnormal about that. It’s the one guarantee I  got these days…

Well I deleted my Aunt and the rest of the highly destructive family I had off my face book, as well as my husbands and kids profiles. That felt good. A really good friend from my past contacted me via Facebook. It was rally nice hearing from him crazy how much time has gone by and how much has happened in both of our lives. I had so much to say to him IMing on Facebook doesn’t seem to be fast enough for me so  he dowloaded skype just for me Lol.

Seeing him was nice but kinda depressing too. I started remembering all sorts of stuff from back then. Like I got my first tattoo with him. I was a lot more social. I was young and full of life.I was so much happier. I was a completely different person. I was shy but I  wasn’t as scared as I am now. What happened to that person can I get her back?

My husband is signed up with a counselor for meds and to work on his anger issues. He is going to start AA on Monday. He did this all on his own too. Located the places even rode the bus with our youngest on cross town to sign up so I know he is serious about getting help.

What scares me is how he talks about what happened. I feel he fucked up bad. He crossed a line I had no part in that.  He doesnt agree.  My uncle told him if he everputs his hands on me epecially in front of the kids he will have aeal problem. As sweet as that is, myuncle is old and disabled, not really threatning. My husband responded by saying he pushed me and its nobody’s buiness because they don’t have all the facts.

I don’t know why he feels the need to downplay what happened to everyone because when its just us he as no problem saying ” As hard as  I knocked you into the Cabinet you should have a big gash”  lucky for him I don’t bruise easilly. I do have a decent sized bump on my head and from above my right eyebrow to my ear, I am extremely sore.  I can’t even sleep on my right side.

My husbands mother got released from prison and is going go be in a halfway house near us so that’s been anxiety inducing for sure. I guess a lot has been on my mind but that’s all I feel up to sharing for now.

~ The End ~

SO no more pretending life isn’t falling apart. Tomorrow is the deadline. No rent no home. You will not believe the things I have done, the situations I have found myself in, or even what I have considered trying to get money either. Some legal, others not so much. When it is a matter of your children not having a home, you will do things you never imagined you could do to prevent it. No time for morals in such desperate times.
It doesn’t matter, I don’t have the money. I literally got fucked and for what? to end up on the streets any ways? I am so damn depressed. As much as I hated being at the hospital I am seriously considering going back. I don’t think it was as bad as everything is now. I’m starting to think all I am good for is hurt. Whether its me that’s hurting or its the people I am around. I cause pain to everyone around me so they should lock me up and forget about me.
I have been in bed for I don’t know how many days now. I’m trying to sleep myself to death. Its not working. I’m done with myself I have fucked up too many times I can finally see it for what it is…. The End

~WARNING: I just might and then what???~

You tell me that I have given you reasons to not trust me and that I continue to give you reasons not to trust me. I know I have done shit in the past. Whatever. We agreed to move past that. How long is it really necessary to hate yourself for mistakes you have made in the past? How long is it ok to be judged by others because of them?? Frankly I’m tiered of it. Im so done being the one constantly hurting, and regretting my behavior, and constantly trying to fix shit that shouldnt even be an issue any more.
You are so far from perfect yourself. You seem to forget the fucked up shit you have done to me. How convenient..
I don’t know how much longer I’m realistically going to be able to put up with it. This shit is what pushes me into doing something in the first place. Its been a fucking pattern this whole time and you fail to recognize your part in anything. Maybe in between your nice “buzzed beer drinking nice guy” personality and your Im sober life sucks so im a dick to everyone personality, you can make more if an effort to show a little compassion for someone else. Try to understand what i am going through. God knows I am constantly making excuses for you, constantly justifying your behavior yet you are still convinced that I am doing something wrong. I do bad want to say Fuck you.
Why is it so hard for you to believe that I only want to have sex with you. I am not sleeping with any of your friends. That just because one of your friends looks at me and makes you feel uncomfortable doesn’t mean I’m wanting to fuck him. Only when I get accused of it do I wonder what it would be like if I did. I think if i fuck him then left you and we hooked up I doubt he would treat me like this. Shit part of you is convinced I did it already so maybe I should. I should get some fun out of all the constant accusations. I’m pretty sure he would never tell you and I know I could fuck him it wouldn’t be hard. He’s made his interest known.
I even changed my clothes, even though i felt i shouldn’t have to. You asked me to do I did. I don’t want to give you a reason not to trust me. I put on long baggy shorts and a big t-shirt to make sure I was covered up. That didn’t seem good enough. You still questioned me. It was like because I changed I just confirmed that I shouldn’t have been dressed that way to begin with.

~Much more than Monday~

Come Monday

Come Monday (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

On top of our regularly busy Monday, today has been extra  eventful. We slept through the alarm going off, so the day started out pretty yucky. Everyone was bickering with each other because we had to rush around getting the kids ready and to school. Then we had a surprise visit from our “counselor”. I’m not sure I know his official title, all I do know is, he’s here because someone called the state claiming we were not taking care of our kids and using drugs. The accusations were immediately proven to be wrong.
Since they had come to our house they were now able to assist our family if we needed any assistance. There is a lot of helpful services available that we knew nothing about. You would have to be an idiot to refuse some of these services. We volunteered to have someone come to our house and assist us with making routines, and schedules. Help with getting the kids to do some chores around the house and get them to listen a little more. Our life was begging for some structure.
The “counselor” that has been coming by, typically on Tuesdays and Thursdays, is absolutely wonderful. I wasn’t completely thrilled at first just the thought of someone I don’t know coming in to my home and telling me how to do things better, was a bit intimidating.   It has proven to be a really positive experience for our family.
The “counselor” has this way of suggesting an alternative method to the way you would normally handle a situation, without seeming like he knows better. Even without making you feel bad for the way you have been handling it. He kinda just throws ideas out there and lets you choose what will work best for you. He really has a gift.
My kids are currently all sleeping in their own rooms and they don’t put up too big of a fight when I ask them to help out with some chores. Every one gets along a little better. We don’t want him to leave. We enjoy having him around so much that we talked him in to coming by for an additional 4 more weeks.
While he was here today he asked about my panic attacks, and how often I have them. I told him just about every time I leave the house. I am able to go to the store if we have a specific purpose and I am with someone I know. I have a particularly difficult time with appointments or meetings. It has gotten so bad that my psychiatrist actually dropped me as a patient because I have missed one too many appointments.
I don’t know why it happens. I schedule an appointment with every intention of attending. Many times I have gone to an appointment or meeting, even made it as far as checking in then something changes. I get all panicky and have to leave. Occasionally while driving to an appointment or meeting, before I can even pull in the parking lot I start panicking. I immediately have to turn the car around and go back home.
It has been really difficult because I really want to go to some of these appointments. Like my psychologist. I would not have fucked that up on purpose. I explained to the “counselor” I need to see  someone  regularly and I need to be discussing with someone the effectiveness of my medications.
That is when the “counselor” suggested trying to pull some strings and get me seen where he works quicker. He said they can even come to my house if that is what is needed. So I am pretty excited that I will be able to discuss some stuff with someone soon and start working through some of my issues.

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