Dr. Seuss knew all along…

Dr. Seuss Wooden Nickel

Dr. Seuss Wooden Nickel (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

“We are all a little weird and Life’s a little weird..”

 ― Dr. Seuss

“Being crazy isn’t enough.”

― Dr. Seuss

“Why fit in when you were born to stand out?” 

― Dr. Seuss

“Today you are You, that is truer than true. There is no one alive who is Youer than You.” 

― Dr. Seuss

“You’ll miss the best things if you keep your eyes shut.”

― Dr. Seuss

 Signature of Dr. Seuss

                                                                                                                         

 

How wonderful it is, that I am never going to be anything but me. You will never be anything but you. What a blessing. No two people are the same. Life is a collection of moments unique to the individual. Embedded in our memories and kept alive in the memories of others. Our life is real because of our experiences. I am where I am because of where I have been. You are where you are because of  where you have been. Nobody really “fits in”. Everyone is longing for a meaning.

Some of the most talented people were viewed as insane. How boring our existence would be without all the so called “Crazies” The truth is if you dig deep enough, you will discover there is crazy in all of us.

Embrace uncertainties. Welcome the chaos. Learn a lesson. Take a chance and enjoy the ride. Create those everlasting memories. Your life is yours to live, so be yourself and Just live it.

~ Survey About Simply Me….

Long Distance Relationships

Long Distance Relationships Photo credit: valordictus

Sleep with or without clothes on?

   Without

Prefer black or blue pens?

  Black

Dress up on Halloween?

 Occasionally

Like to travel?

 Absolutely

Like Someone?

 Yes

Do they know?

   I would hope so lol

Who sleeps with you every night?

 Husband and my dog

Think you’re attractive?

  Not so much

Want to get married?

  already have

To:

 My husband

Are you a good student?

 Not in highschool

Are you currently happy?

  Depends on the day

Have you ever cheated?? Been cheated on?

 Yes and Yes

Birthplace?

 Eugene Oregon

Christmas or Halloween?

 Halloween (its my daughter’s birthday)

Colored or black-and-white photo?

  black and white

Do long distance relationships work?

 No

Do you believe in astrology?

 Yes

Do you believe in love at first sight?

  Rare I’m sure

Do you consider yourself the life of the party?

 No quite the opposite

Do you drink?

  Not these days I hate drunks!

Do you make fun of people?

 Sad to say I have

Do you think dreams eventually come true?

 If you work hard enough

Favorite fictional character?

 Tinkerbell

Go to the movies or rent?

 Rent

Have you ever moved?

   Too often

Have you ever stolen anything?

 Yep I wasnt the best teenager lol

How’s the weather right now?

  Cold

Last time you cut your hair?

 about a year ago

Last person you talked to on the phone?

  my sister

Last time you showered?

  this am

Loud or soft music?

  Loud

Mcdonalds or Burger King?

  Mcdonalds

Night or day?

 Night

Number of pillows?

  3

Piano or guitar?

 Guitar

Future job?

 Idk

Current job?

 none

Current love?

   My husband

Current longing?

  to be normal

Current disappointment?

  my husbands behavior

Current annoyance?

  my husbands behavior

Last thing you ate?

 crunch berry cereal

Last thing you bought?

 milk

Most recent thing you are looking forward to?

  sleep

What are you hearing right now?

 kids

Plans for the weekend?

 staying home

What did you do today?

  cleaned the kitchen

Pick a lyric, any lyric or song?

 You know that Im a crazy bitch?…I do what I want when I feel like it…. All I want to do is loose control…. Oh,oh  But you dont really give a shit.. You go with it, go with it, go with it…. ’cause your fucking crazy… rock’n’ roll

 

~Much more than Monday~

Come Monday

Come Monday (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

On top of our regularly busy Monday, today has been extra  eventful. We slept through the alarm going off, so the day started out pretty yucky. Everyone was bickering with each other because we had to rush around getting the kids ready and to school. Then we had a surprise visit from our “counselor”. I’m not sure I know his official title, all I do know is, he’s here because someone called the state claiming we were not taking care of our kids and using drugs. The accusations were immediately proven to be wrong.
Since they had come to our house they were now able to assist our family if we needed any assistance. There is a lot of helpful services available that we knew nothing about. You would have to be an idiot to refuse some of these services. We volunteered to have someone come to our house and assist us with making routines, and schedules. Help with getting the kids to do some chores around the house and get them to listen a little more. Our life was begging for some structure.
The “counselor” that has been coming by, typically on Tuesdays and Thursdays, is absolutely wonderful. I wasn’t completely thrilled at first just the thought of someone I don’t know coming in to my home and telling me how to do things better, was a bit intimidating.   It has proven to be a really positive experience for our family.
The “counselor” has this way of suggesting an alternative method to the way you would normally handle a situation, without seeming like he knows better. Even without making you feel bad for the way you have been handling it. He kinda just throws ideas out there and lets you choose what will work best for you. He really has a gift.
My kids are currently all sleeping in their own rooms and they don’t put up too big of a fight when I ask them to help out with some chores. Every one gets along a little better. We don’t want him to leave. We enjoy having him around so much that we talked him in to coming by for an additional 4 more weeks.
While he was here today he asked about my panic attacks, and how often I have them. I told him just about every time I leave the house. I am able to go to the store if we have a specific purpose and I am with someone I know. I have a particularly difficult time with appointments or meetings. It has gotten so bad that my psychiatrist actually dropped me as a patient because I have missed one too many appointments.
I don’t know why it happens. I schedule an appointment with every intention of attending. Many times I have gone to an appointment or meeting, even made it as far as checking in then something changes. I get all panicky and have to leave. Occasionally while driving to an appointment or meeting, before I can even pull in the parking lot I start panicking. I immediately have to turn the car around and go back home.
It has been really difficult because I really want to go to some of these appointments. Like my psychologist. I would not have fucked that up on purpose. I explained to the “counselor” I need to see  someone  regularly and I need to be discussing with someone the effectiveness of my medications.
That is when the “counselor” suggested trying to pull some strings and get me seen where he works quicker. He said they can even come to my house if that is what is needed. So I am pretty excited that I will be able to discuss some stuff with someone soon and start working through some of my issues.

~I know me and I’m sorry your stupid~

So my latest “unofficial diagnosis” is, I say unofficial because it was a counselor that told me not my psychiatrist, Post traumatic stress disorder. Seriously? as if being bipolar and having panic attacks and severe anxiety problems including social anxiety disorder wasn’t enough someone had to suggest something else…
  I don’t really think I am that crazy but listening to other people talk you would think I should be locked up at some freak show exhibit. Especially listening to people who have no real information about anything, they just think they know everything.
   I went to my aunts house today to barrow money, because of our crappy financial situation. I have been dreading going out there lately because her daughters, my cousins, get under my skin quicker than anyone. They are some of the most opinionated, loud, bitchy people I have ever met. They really have no clue what its like for someone yet they are so quick to offer up advice.
  I don’t understand why they feel its there place, or even necessary for them to talk sometimes. They have to know their input is not always wanted or appreciated. Right? I don’t know.
    The whole reason I am so worked up, is because when I was out there today I was talking to someone else who has been diagnosed bipolar. We were compairing diagnosis’s and information and when I was asked about my ups and downs associated with being bipolar my cousin blurts out ” she has major ups and downs but she is schizophrenic too, not just bipolar” I looked at her and said ” what are you talking about? I have never been diagnosed schizophrenic” Then she actually started arguing with me like I didn’t know my own diagnosis. WTF? I was soooo pissed. Thank god for ativan and Thank god I’m just crazy because it must really suck being that ignorant.

~Routine and change~

  I can’t sleep probably because I was sleeping off and on all day today and yesterday and all week lol. Seems like I either sleep too much or hardly at all. I never seem to get the right amount of sleep.
  I feel like I’m on edge constantly. I have a much shorter fuse than usual. I have been getting angry a lot and stay that way for a lot longer. I don’t have patience at all. I have so many thoughts racing through my mind at all times I get mad when someone starts talking to me and I am unable to obsess on whatever it is I am obsessing about.
     I have unrealistic expectations of my kids and husband.I expect everything to be done the way I want it to be done, when I want it to be done. I feel like if I am not controlling everything and everyone things will start to fall apart. I feel like I can predict the outcome of a situation that I am not in control of and it never turns out good the way I see it. So its better for me to just take control and even do it myself if I want it done right.
    We are attempting a routine at home. Until now a routine was a foreign concept in our house.My husband and I have never been strict about bed time, or any other time for that matter. Our kids were aloud to do pretty much what they want as long as they were getting along.
   This new routine has a set time for everything and an allotted amount of time to do it in. What I mean by everything is…. there is a time to wake up,  get dressed, brush teeth, catch the bus, time to do homework, time to do chores, and a time to go to bed. I have even planed out what time we have meals and how long it should take to eat. I scheduled when the kids bathe, and even when they are able to have free time.

     Having more structure in our lives, a routine? I thought it was simple, and even kind of fun. I would make a list of when and what I wanted everyone to do. All they would be responsible for, is doing what I say. Since I am such a control freak, I loved the thought of getting my family to do what I wanted them to.
   Wrong!! What was I thinking. Its a lot harder to get people who have never had any structure or routine in their lives, Including myself, to commit to any kind of a schedule.  It was fine the first day but come day two everyone was bored with it. Even I have to admit I am not a fan of doing the same thing over and over again. It actually depresses me to know whats coming next.
 I’m not sure why but I like my life to be exciting. I want to let things just happen. I don’t want to know whats coming next.           ( probably my bi-polar self speaking lol ).
  Or maybe I have been living in such chaos for so long, its all I’m used to. Its all I know. Do I actual find comfort in this chaotic, unorganized, way of living???? Yeah.I think I do….  I’m sure that’s been the majority of my problems for a while now lol. I actually have a habit of creating drama or chaos or whatever you want to call it when life is running smoothly.
    I don’t know anymore everything is changing, changing for the better, I know, But its still overwhelming. I’m getting a lot of support from places I didn’t even know existed. I guess its the whole way everything happened that freaks me out. I wasn’t in control. Everything is not going to be as chaotic as I have grown accustomed to.
   I have learned a few things about myself too. I guess what I am trying to say is I need to grow up a little lol. Learn to let things go, and just appreciate all the positive stuff that’s happening.
     This change is not all bad. I do like my kids sleeping in their own rooms and having a regular bedtime. So at the very least I can stick to that but as far as the rest of the schedule goes.. Who knows? My guess is we wont be following it completely, but then again I have been wrong before and I need to stop trying to be in control of everything and everyone. Plus I know I cant accurately predict the outcome of any situation lol

~ Craigslist Casual Encounters~

Knowing how wrong it is, excites me. I’m drawn to them, like a moth is drawn to light. I am very good at creating problems, especially when things are going good. Self sabotaging in a way.
I am beginning to realize I have a major problem with sex. Besides the pleasure, sex makes me feel worthy, like I have a purpose. Not just any sex either. I like it best when it feels wrong. I am ok with not using protection and I actually get a rush from taking chances. I was at the health clinic just about every weekend, as a teen, to get the morning after pill.
This, risky behavior, goes all the way back to when I lost my virginity. I was 12, hadn’t even started my period yet, and ran away from home with the sole purpose of loosing my virginity. My best friend at the time introduced me to one of her boyfriends friends over the phone. I talked to him for a few days told him i wanted to loose my virginity and he was all for being my first. He was 21. I remember just laying there not knowing what I was supposed to do. It didn’t hurt, but it didn’t feel good either. I didn’t understand all the hype. After he finished and got off of me, I went outside sat on the stairs and just started crying. Some guy started walking up the stairs I bummed a cigarette off him. He sat with me didn’t ask what was wrong but it was still comforting. So when he said he would keep me company if I came back inside I didn’t hesitate to follow. I don’t remember how it happened but I had sex with him too. Later I found out he was 17 and the brother of the first guy I slept with.
It didn’t get any better after that. Sex became kind of like a competition between my friends. I was always trying to out do somebody. The more extreme, the sluttier, the better. I slept with older men. I slept with my friends boyfriends. I was sneaking out my window, as well as sneaking guys in. The thrill was in the possibility of getting caught.
I hooked up with men off live links, (that was before Craigslist) and told them I was 18. Then after they slept with me I told them my real age. I have had numerous one nighters and slept with guys that didn’t even tell me their name. I had sex in public places, sex in porn booths, churches, stolen cars, even schools, and all before I was 18.
My husband was no exception. I was dating his cousin (my first love) before we hooked up. Before my husband and I hooked up I had sex with his cousin while he laid in bed next to us. I wasn’t really into my husband at first, but he had drugs and when I am high all I want to do is have sex, for hours and hours, until im so exhausted that I can’t move anymore.
I have never been faithful to any guy I dated. I stayed with a guy just until I found someone I liked better. I always cheated, and continued to cheat even after getting married.
I have cheated on my husband 11 times. I always found a way to make it my husbands fault too. He wasnt spending time with me, he drank too much, he didn’t have a job. I looked for anything I could to justify my behavior. I was wrong. There is no justification. I fucked up. Whatever he was doing at the time, he was not responsible for the way i was acting.
I hooked up with guys that I thought were cuter, or guys that had a job, or guys that I felt I had a connection with. I even slept with guys that claimed to be his friend. Nothing ever lasted, and my husband always took me back.
I should no better but once again, I found myself responding, and posting, to casual encounters. Not sure if it’s desperation or boredom. I still find myself wanting something better, something more exiting, something that’s not mine and might not even exist.
I thought I wanted to hook up with someone and got a response from a normal guy. Of all places to meet a decent person lol. He actually gave me some good advice. He made me reevaluate my situation and make a little more since of things. One thing he said that really stuck was “you don’t always have to do something” it was pretty powerful statement. He was absolutely right. I always feel like I have to do something, and that something causes more problems than its worth……

~FIRST TIME~

    After pissing everyone in my family off and my failed attempt to help someone who I believed really needed it, I gave up. I had become this pathetic shell of a person there was nothing left inside of me. Emotionally, Physically, and spiritually I was defeated. I don’t know how my whole world managed to flip upside down without me noticing but,I didn’t care anymore. I was tired of caring. I was tired of being let down, and tired of being tired. So I checked myself into the hospital..
        I made sure I didn’t tell anyone where I was going, I even told the hospital staff not to let anyone know I was there. I  went as far as packing a suit case and dis rummaging through things in my room to throw them off. Pretty dramatic, I know.
      . I wanted everyone to worry. I wanted them to suffer because I was suffering. Can’t someone please make it all STOP??? I had to get away from everyone and everything. I needed to be as far away from my life as I could get..
              At the hospital, that I put myself into, I spent the whole night cuddled up to the toilet puking. Replaying the past week over and over again in my head. Only coming up for air when  my scheduled ativan dose was due. I avoided talking to anyone, or asking for help. I  knew one of the staff members.(one major draw back of working in the health industry and having a mental illness)
           This induce a little paranoia.  He was possibly still in contact with a lot of people I knew and maybe some I currently worked with. No way I wanted everyone I worked with knowing all the details of my breakdown. Seeing him made it impossible to get any real help. There was no way I would be honest about anything. Even though they say they have all these confidentiality rules, they are not enforced. I know because I have broken many myself.
         Working in healthcare, gave me a pretty good understanding, of what the therapists and doctors, need to hear before discharging  a patient. So after my meds were adjusted to my liking, I told them what they needed to hear and got the fuck out of there. I admitted myself too which made the whole process a lot simpler.


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