One day at a time

So I finally started treatment 1 on 1 sessions, my anxiety is extreemly greatful. I attended an all womens 12 step meeting by myself and.introduced my self. ( for those.that dont know me… Its a pretty big fucking deal!) My anxiety has caused major obstacles in my recovery. Im at 31 days clean today. Yay me!!. I Have a Sponser with 22 years clean, which to me is a damn miracle.
So now im no longer In denial about my disease, I am willing and open even eager to start living a sober life, and really live.
Im struggling with trust and oppening up completely. ” life on lifes terms” scares the hell out of me. I am having a hard time relying on my higher power for guidence. I still find myself trying ti control and destroy my progress.
I have been building a sober peer.support group so I have people I can call or see when things become too much. I am greatful for Na and everyone who has adsisted in showing me how to get helo.

Not a game

I am sooo glad its almost over. I will come out on top just wait and see, all of you that think your winning are exactly where I want you to be. Just keep doing what your doing blindly believing your right. You have no fucking clue how wrong you are but soon enough I will let you know. This aint a game anymore….

“Well, I’ve got a lot…

“Well, I’ve got a lot of callings. You can’t just limit
it to one. … Life’s too short to devote yourself to
a single thing, and luckily for me, I’m interested
in other things. And one must pursue those things.”

~ Charlie Trotter

Life is too short…….

Dr. Seuss knew all along…

Dr. Seuss Wooden Nickel

Dr. Seuss Wooden Nickel (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

“We are all a little weird and Life’s a little weird..”

 ― Dr. Seuss

“Being crazy isn’t enough.”

― Dr. Seuss

“Why fit in when you were born to stand out?” 

― Dr. Seuss

“Today you are You, that is truer than true. There is no one alive who is Youer than You.” 

― Dr. Seuss

“You’ll miss the best things if you keep your eyes shut.”

― Dr. Seuss

 Signature of Dr. Seuss

                                                                                                                         

 

How wonderful it is, that I am never going to be anything but me. You will never be anything but you. What a blessing. No two people are the same. Life is a collection of moments unique to the individual. Embedded in our memories and kept alive in the memories of others. Our life is real because of our experiences. I am where I am because of where I have been. You are where you are because of  where you have been. Nobody really “fits in”. Everyone is longing for a meaning.

Some of the most talented people were viewed as insane. How boring our existence would be without all the so called “Crazies” The truth is if you dig deep enough, you will discover there is crazy in all of us.

Embrace uncertainties. Welcome the chaos. Learn a lesson. Take a chance and enjoy the ride. Create those everlasting memories. Your life is yours to live, so be yourself and Just live it.

Who’s life is this ?

27042012-164827-1

Who’s life is this?

A dreamer, full of  promise.

Beautiful.

Destined for  greatness.

Fearless and free.

Such strength and determination.

Who’s life is this?

One too many bad choices.

You have lost yourself.

No where to go.

No  purpose.

Just going through the motions, no longer living.

Defeated and numb.

Barely recognizable.

Your existence is fading.

Can you remember who you are?

Can you remember who’s life this is?

~ Not much ~

25042012-000407

So today has been quite a day. A lot has happened, considering I have only been awake for a few hours here and there, I’m not completely sure it all really happened. Lol

I have been sleeping my life away. Nothing abnormal about that. It’s the one guarantee I  got these days…

Well I deleted my Aunt and the rest of the highly destructive family I had off my face book, as well as my husbands and kids profiles. That felt good. A really good friend from my past contacted me via Facebook. It was rally nice hearing from him crazy how much time has gone by and how much has happened in both of our lives. I had so much to say to him IMing on Facebook doesn’t seem to be fast enough for me so  he dowloaded skype just for me Lol.

Seeing him was nice but kinda depressing too. I started remembering all sorts of stuff from back then. Like I got my first tattoo with him. I was a lot more social. I was young and full of life.I was so much happier. I was a completely different person. I was shy but I  wasn’t as scared as I am now. What happened to that person can I get her back?

My husband is signed up with a counselor for meds and to work on his anger issues. He is going to start AA on Monday. He did this all on his own too. Located the places even rode the bus with our youngest on cross town to sign up so I know he is serious about getting help.

What scares me is how he talks about what happened. I feel he fucked up bad. He crossed a line I had no part in that.  He doesnt agree.  My uncle told him if he everputs his hands on me epecially in front of the kids he will have aeal problem. As sweet as that is, myuncle is old and disabled, not really threatning. My husband responded by saying he pushed me and its nobody’s buiness because they don’t have all the facts.

I don’t know why he feels the need to downplay what happened to everyone because when its just us he as no problem saying ” As hard as  I knocked you into the Cabinet you should have a big gash”  lucky for him I don’t bruise easilly. I do have a decent sized bump on my head and from above my right eyebrow to my ear, I am extremely sore.  I can’t even sleep on my right side.

My husbands mother got released from prison and is going go be in a halfway house near us so that’s been anxiety inducing for sure. I guess a lot has been on my mind but that’s all I feel up to sharing for now.

~ The way we once were ~

childhood memory

childhood memory (Photo credit: AlicePopkorn)

One of my friends, actually my best friend at the time, from when I was a teenager has been talking to me on Facebook. Kinda strange catching up after all these years. I can’t believe I can say I knew her 10 years ago. Really? We got old fast. It doesn’t feel like 10 years have gone by. In fact it feels like we were just hanging out. I can clearly remember riding the busses all over portland. Loitering down town. Hooking up with complete losers. Waterfront. Saturday Market. Party’s. Everything was an adventure. Life never lacked excitement. We always found trouble to get in to. When did it stop? Why?
I remember the reason we stopped hanging out, she hated that I had a boyfriend. He took up too much of my time, so I couldn’t run around with her. We got into a huge fight down town Portland telling anyone who would listen every dirty little secret we knew about each other. (girls are damn vicious, we are in it to kill) Then we just stopped talking. We both moved away. Didn’t matter to either of us to stay in contact. I’m pretty sure we hated each other.
Even though we were not friends anymore, we had mutual friends. So every once in a while I would hear what or who she was doing. It took her a while to settle down. I got married and had kids with that boy friend she didn’t like so much. She started stripping, and hitting the drug scene a lot harder than we did together. I seriously thought she was so into that lifestyle, she wouldn’t be able to stop. I expected it to kill her.
Well she got married about 3 years ago, and she just became a mom. She had a hard time getting pregnant. They were trying ever since they got married nothing worked. Then when they were about to give up they decided to try in vitro and it worked. She is now a mom of twins. A boy and a girl.
Most couples want one of each, and a lot of people keep trying until they get both. Kinda nice she got both at once. It makes the wait worth it.
I have a lot of mixed emotions about seeing her. I mean we both have changed so much from the time we knew each other. She is really excited about being a mom and wants to show off the babies, which I get. It’s the best thing in the world becoming a parent. I just don’t know her anymore. She doesn’t know me either so it just feels strange. We are not the same people we once were…., Plus it brings back a lot of anxiety inducing memories lol

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