This is on my mind a lot lately

Why do I crave attention? I diliberatly put my self in situations where men give me attention. I am very much in love with my husband, and have made too many mistakes in the past that has put my marriage at risk, I have no intentions of  doing anything stupid again. Some of these guys are super sleazy and  nobody I would be attracted to if I was single, but I still enjoy their compliments and propositions. Even when women come on to me I get excited and I am not into chicks. I am into people being into me.  Im not sure if its a bipolar thing or a me thing. I know I do it. My husband knows I do it. Hes not happy about it. I am honestly trying to do things differantly, but its almost like now that I have acknowledged I have this problem it has become more of an problem.

Recently one of my husbands friends expressed an intrest in me, so what did I do? Not tell him it was inapropriate thats for sure. Oh no, that would be the right thing to do, and if I did the right thing I wouldnt have anything to blog about. Lol.

While my husband was walking in and out of the room doing whatever he was doing, this guy, his friend, told me that he found me sexy. Then he appologized and asked me if he was out of line or making me feel uncomfortable in any way. I could have stopped it there but instead I showed him some pictures of myself, then he said he was getting excited thinking about me and I was turning him on, he asked if I was getting excited knowing that I told him I was. It just kept getting worse  at one point he showed me a picture of his dick and asked if he could watch me masterbate or watch my husband and I have sex. That would never happen but I let him think it might. Now this guy is getting me a phone and wanting to buy me stuff which I am all for Lol. My husband on the other hand, wants to kill this guy. I know my behavior is wrong while its happening and it being wrong just fuels it and makes it that much more exciting for me. I am trying to talk my husband into letting me get whatever I can get out of this guy, hes not going to let it happen but I think it would be fun, Idk I know I have issues and I will be discussing this with my therapist on wednesday Lol.

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24 Comments

  1. That was completely a big LOL =D
    But this post give me an idea how ya want to get your husband jealous, even if that is not the part, then as ya mentioned ya are a ATTENTION-SEEKER, this is some kinda buried inside ya so don;t expect it to go this easily.
    Any ways, thank you for making me laugh like crazies , you made my day.. Keep writing 🙂
    Regards,
    Naima.

  2. I wish you all the luck in the world figuring this out. I know it’s not easy. For me behaving in any kind of inappropriate way had a lot to do with my low self-esteem. As far as being sexually inappropriate, I truly just believed I was only worth sex to men. I don’t know if that helps you at all. I’m sorry you’re being downright bashed, that does not help. You don’t deserve to be judged, you deserve compassion and help. Don’t let anybody take that away from you.

    Once I knew an artist who was quite famous and had many contacts, well he offered to draw the illustrations for a book I had finished. But, let’s just say he got really inappropriate with me and that was during my second year of therapy (in other words this can take awhile to fix/heal). I remember I put up with it for awhile (I really wanted him to do by book!) and then realized I could not allow him to make the comments he was making so I backed out of a very lucrative deal. I would have made some serious money, but that was not worth continuing to feel like I HAD to put up with suggestive comments and requests just to publish a book.

    It’s just a process, not an event. Remind yourself that you are not a bad person. NO ONE deserves to think of themselves in this way. Give yourself credit for having awareness!

    Anyway, later I realized, for years I acted like this (that time I did nothing wrong, but many times I did) because I truly believed, though I didn’t realize it, that I was only good for one thing, which of course is not true.

    You deserve your own love. I hope you are proud of yourself for going to therapy. That takes guts.

    • Thanks and you are extremely helpful. I think I have have felt like all I was worth to guys was sex but I have also felt all guys were good for to me is sex. I have been responsible for a lot of negative situations in my life and I am trying to change. I don’t want to hurt myself or anyone else anymore.

      • I understand. I have always done the same, sometimes for sex, but usually just to take care of me. Could never hold a job.

        Well if you want to change, I believe nothing will stop you.

      • I know I can change, but as stupid as it sounds,I wasn’t expecting it to be this hard .

      • It’s grueling, truly. There’s a ton of ups and downs, blood, sweat and tears. ALL worth it. I’ve actually gotten to the point where the old me feels like it must have been a dream. Things that I used to say, do, believe – all of that has changed so much that I cannot believe how dysfunctional I was before I started. I’ll read something or watch someone act out, say, that is similar in style to the way I acted or thought before and think: Whaaaat? Seriously?? So, LOL, I hope that gives you some hope – but it really is that hard. There were days I’d spend 6 hours doing therapy assignments. Now that I’m here, of course it feels like the blink of an eye…almost foggy memories, if that makes sense. It’s been two years of very hard therapy.

  3. This is all kind of like a cat chasing it’s tail. Your behavior is probably far more common than people think.~You can’t think your way out-you have to act your way out.——good luck

  4. i don’t feel shes stupid bro, i just feel shes lost and confused about the situation and needs to be guided in the right direction because if you know your doing the wrong thing and still doing it anyway , theres something wrong internally that we don’t know and i want to try to bring it out to see why she acts this way and correct this without her fucking up her marriage because doing this surely will kill it, no doubt

  5. Why do you think you deserve to be married if you are leading a man on in chasing you for sexual gratification on his part? The previous comment by onlyOX has a very valid point. Either be married and faithful or go chase cock. Simple solution.

    • Well I deserve to be married because I can be and if I want to chase cock I can do that too, although I don’t recall ever saying that’s what I wanted.

      • Good luck.

      • Thanks 🙂

      • i a in no way chasing you, i want to help you, sincerely, but you have to be open and understand that this is wrong, and i see you do get it but for some reason its not fully registering. have you always been like this, fiending for attenting i mean? has something happened in your life that has made you so needy for attention that you need to seek it outside your marriage? hypothetically, what if you led his friend are far enough to where he couldn’t control his urges and he raped how? how would you feel then? these are just questions….. answer when your ready….

      • Jueseppi f you don’t like what I write don’t read it. Its my blog and I’m going to continue writing things that I’m sure you wont agree with.

      • manic….. FOCUS and answer my previous questions please

      • There has been a lot of stuff that has happened, a lot I forgot about or tried to forget about, I am seeing a therapist and plan on working through this with her. I don’t think about whether or not he can control his urges at the time, I don’t really think about anything. I think that’s my husbands biggest fear, someone not being able to stop.

      • control his urges to what? what does he do? do you want to stop?

      • I didnt initiate this situation with his friend, but when I knew he was interested I did nothing to stop it. I dont think about what could happen like getting raped or getting hurt until its over and I replay the events in my head. Its like I’m high when its happening, I dont know if that makes sense or not.

      • i c i c, sometimes we don’t learn until we lose something we love. it may take you losing him or at least hurting him to a point you never thought that’ll make you stop. but why is it that you crave so much attention? is it something that stems from ya childhood?

  6. my personal opinion, you shouldn’t be married. Not trying to sound me and harst but…. you really shouldn’t be. The fact that one, you did this with a close friend of his, not thinking that down the line this is going to bite you in the ass harder than you could ever believe, is absurd… and two, the fact that you could actually BLOG THIS, giving a 1 in a million chance of your husband actually seeing this and getting enraged, is also absurd AND insane to me. Now if you’ve actually told him what happen or he already knows about the exchange of pics and the conversation, then i guess you twos relationship is something clearly different. Though giving the excuse that you only do this because you “like attention” is wrong. I LOVE the attention of women, that is why im single. Im not ready to be with one woman yet because im a huge flirt who will make a pass on a woman naturally and not even know it. You say you know your doing it and you still do it, only shows a lack of respect for your husband as well as yalls marriage. idk really what to tell you, this just shocks me on how you say you know what your doing yet you still do it and i’m sure if i was to question you love for your husband you would say how much you love him so much and how he does so much for you, lol. You honestly shouldn’t be married with this flirtatious habit of yours, take it from someone whos had it happen before, it WILL come back and fuck your whole world up worse than you can EVER IMAGINE if you don’t nip this in the bud now and make a change quick. Liking attention is a normal thing, accepting inappropriate attention from men while your married and KNOWING that your doing and KNOWING that its wrong but still doing it anyway, is like a big FUCK YOU to your marriage and him, i’m just saying…

    • OK I get you don’t understand and that’s OK most people don’t. I don’t think anyone should be telling anyone they shouldn’t be married. No two people are the same, and no two relationships are the same. If you have read any of my other posts before judging this one you would know my husband and I have been through a lot and we are committed to working on whatever we need to work on to make our marriage work. I know I have issues. He has issues too. Honestly who doesn’t? I keep nothing from my husband. He knows about my blog too. Lucky for me hes more understanding and tolerant than you appear to be. He loves me unconditionally, you know for better or worse I’m just saying…

      • this is the exact response i was expecting so i’m not surprise. i also figured you would look at my verbal approach to you as something downward and mean, lol. no i haven’t seen your other post and by reading this i can clearly tell you 2 have been through alot so that was already in my mind while writing you back, BUT, that still doesn’t change or make an excuse for YOUR BEHAVIOUR. Yes he loves you unconditional,(you know… for better or worse, lmao), so…. with you KNOWING that, don’t you think he deserves better from a woman that loves him unconditional than to have her showing pics to his friends and having them show dick pics to you and then you leading them to believe something might happen? a man that loves you so unconditional shouldn’t have to deal with such issues or worry about if his wife thats “devoted to him and ony him” isn’t out searching for attention from other men. when your married, the only attention you truly NEED (key word, NEED) is from your husband. Everything else is up in the air. He should be the only one you truly NEED attention from. but eh, i guess your gonna look at this in a negative response as well and not see that i’m just telling you what others may want to say but probably dont. i’m sure your a great woman but this attention this has to be toned for your relationships sake, just like i’m sure he has some fucked up issues of his own he has to tone up as well…. im not against you or trying to be an enemy, though i can only speak the truth….

      • I am completely aware of the fact this behavior is wrong the whole purpose of me blogging about it was to try and figure out why I act this way. Its hard to explain what happens to me. I know what I’m doing, but its like I cant stop myself. I’m sorry I got defensive. I felt like I was being attacked by someone who doesn’t have all the information, I am trying to do things differently because my marriage is important to me. A lot of times I think he deserves more than me but for some reason he only wants me.


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