This is on my mind a lot lately

Why do I crave attention? I diliberatly put my self in situations where men give me attention. I am very much in love with my husband, and have made too many mistakes in the past that has put my marriage at risk, I have no intentions of  doing anything stupid again. Some of these guys are super sleazy and  nobody I would be attracted to if I was single, but I still enjoy their compliments and propositions. Even when women come on to me I get excited and I am not into chicks. I am into people being into me.  Im not sure if its a bipolar thing or a me thing. I know I do it. My husband knows I do it. Hes not happy about it. I am honestly trying to do things differantly, but its almost like now that I have acknowledged I have this problem it has become more of an problem.

Recently one of my husbands friends expressed an intrest in me, so what did I do? Not tell him it was inapropriate thats for sure. Oh no, that would be the right thing to do, and if I did the right thing I wouldnt have anything to blog about. Lol.

While my husband was walking in and out of the room doing whatever he was doing, this guy, his friend, told me that he found me sexy. Then he appologized and asked me if he was out of line or making me feel uncomfortable in any way. I could have stopped it there but instead I showed him some pictures of myself, then he said he was getting excited thinking about me and I was turning him on, he asked if I was getting excited knowing that I told him I was. It just kept getting worse  at one point he showed me a picture of his dick and asked if he could watch me masterbate or watch my husband and I have sex. That would never happen but I let him think it might. Now this guy is getting me a phone and wanting to buy me stuff which I am all for Lol. My husband on the other hand, wants to kill this guy. I know my behavior is wrong while its happening and it being wrong just fuels it and makes it that much more exciting for me. I am trying to talk my husband into letting me get whatever I can get out of this guy, hes not going to let it happen but I think it would be fun, Idk I know I have issues and I will be discussing this with my therapist on wednesday Lol.

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“Well, I’ve got a lot…

“Well, I’ve got a lot of callings. You can’t just limit
it to one. … Life’s too short to devote yourself to
a single thing, and luckily for me, I’m interested
in other things. And one must pursue those things.”

~ Charlie Trotter

Life is too short…….

~ You know nothing ~

end of life...!

end of life...! (Photo credit: { pranav })

You are being fooled.

 

Everything is not as it seems.

 

Such a pretty picture that has been painted just for you. You will never know how ugly it really is.

 

You think You know. There is so much you don’t.  All you know is what you have been shown.

 

What happened to happily ever after?

 

I believed.

 

It never existed.

 

There is no way out. Forever stuck. Trapped. A prisoner hidden behind lies.

 

You can scream and cry to be rescued nobody will listen.

 

There are no heroes coming for you.

 

Why wont you see? Why wont you listen? How can you do nothing?

 

I understand its easier to play along.  Its OK.

 

You just continue to pretend you never knew.

 

Its too late now.

 

Time has run out.

This life is ending.

 

~ Sorry Boys.. Girls have it better! ~

Deutsch: Symbol der Frauenpower (Geballte Faus...

Deutsch: Symbol der Frauenpower (Geballte Faust in Venus-Zeichen). English: Woman-power symbol (clenched fist in Venus sign). עברית: כוח נשים (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Well my husband and I have this little contest, we both created profiles on an online date site as a joke. We are not seriously talking to anyone, and let the people who contact us know we are just there for laughs. Anyways.. The contest is to see who gets the most attention, and who is worth more. There is a thing on there where you can, with their fake money, buy pets and people can buy you as a pet every time you are passed around your value increases.
I am kicking his ass! By a lot. My email is flooded with messages and friends requests, plus my value is over 7,000,000,000,000 and his is a mere 19,000,000. I totally rub it in his face too lol. Now he wants to delete the accounts. Even though I agree we should, part of me really likes the attention. There is just something about an extremely hot guy telling me I’m sexy. Major confidence booster. Some of these guys are pretty pathetic though, one guy actually messaged me and told me what he wanted to do to me. My response was “I don’t think my husbands going to let that happen” well he never wrote back. Lol
All of this attention, as fake as it is, has made me think Girls have it so much better. With hardly any effort put out we can find someone, where guys seem to have to really put some effort in to it. Idk. I’m sure there’s a lot more to it.
Another reason why girls got it better..
We can be anything from innocent sweet submissive to naughty tough and dominate and guys will find us sexy regardless. I don’t think it’s the same for men, I mean who really finds the “nice guy” sexy? Not me, and none of my female friends either. We might say we want a nice guy, usually just to piss off the guy we are with, because he is being an ass for whatever reason. Hell we might even date a “nice guy” but i can promise you, in the bedroom she is pretending you are anything but nice.
Bad boys have always been hot. They always will be. You know they are not afraid to fight, and that’s pretty hot. Men are supposed to be strong, take charge, and not afraid to get dirty. They are supposed to be our protectors, and make us feel safe. That’s what makes them sexy.
I never have to question my safety with my husband. He has recently proven how far he would go to keep me safe. I am damn lucky! If he wasn’t able to fend someone off he would even willingly get his ass kicked to keep me and the kids safe. That’s love lol. Plus being a girl, it’s nothing I have to reciprocate he doesn’t expect me to fight for him. I would so much rather paint my nails…
Ya us girls defiantly have it better.

~Please explain~

I don’t understand. It just doesn’t make much sense. Why? If someone is having a bad day, or not feeling well, or life happens to be crapping on them for whatever reason , why would someone feel the need to make your life miserable just because they believe their life is?? You know when someone is just so pissy it dosnt matter if you tell them something positive to try and cheer them up, or spit in their face, they are determined to be miserable and their reaction will be the same regardless. They are hurting and want everyone else around them to hurt. I know I have been guilty of this too . I just don’t understand what happens inside of someone to make them behave this way.
Plus why do people think their opinions or beliefs are more important or more valuable than others? If you disagree with me why can’t we just disagree? Why must you see me as such an idiot because I don’t see the situation the same way you do? I’m ok with you having your own interpretation of how things will play out. I hate the way you speak to me in that condescending tone of yours. Trust me you are not as smart as you see yourself, in fact you tend to come across pretty ignorant at times. It’s pretty apparent when you are trying too hard. Its ok for someone not to have all the answers. It’s not ok to give up.
It’s ok to be uneasy and have in security’s but it is not ok to go out of your way to make someone feel bad for something they honestly did not think would be an issue.

 X39JKT4PEP4M

~Reflections and Reality no room for Regrets~

Reflection in water

Reflection in water Photo credit: Wikipedia

When your reality is ripped away by a trauma of some kind, I think it’s a pretty natural reaction to question everything. Questioning the choices you have made, or didn’t make. Questioning the things you have done or didn’t do. Questioning all the people in your life from the past to all of your current friends and family. Your purpose and reason for living become questionable. You try to look for a way it could have been prevented. You just want a reason for life to make since again.
I have been thinking alot about all the choices I have made, and the choices that were made for me. I’m trying to remember, if or when it started to get bad. Was there a specific point in my life maybe even just one choice that could have prevented this outcome if it was done differently?
Looking back, I realize that I have made a lot of poor choices. I started remembering some things I completely forgot about, maybe even intentionally forgot about.
I know ultimately I am responsible for where I am in my life. I continuously go from blaming myself, to looking for the slightest reason I can pin the fault on someone else. I think about removing myself from people’s lives to prevent any more pain. Then I get so mad at everyone. I hate that this is happening to my family and not to someone else’s.
I have never done anything bad enough to deserve this, neither has my husband or kids. I can name quite a few people who would deserve it. Yet I’m the one life chooses to puke on.
I really believed that if life ever got bad, i have enough friends and family that would pitch in and help. I believed that nobody would just stand by watching my life disintegrate, especially when they are more than capable of helping to prevent it. Idk. it might have something to do with the fact that any time my husband hears of someone struggling, and we have the means to help, we do. No hesitations. My husband will give up his last 5$ to help someone out. Over the years we have had so many different people stay with us “until they get on their feet” that i’ve actually lost count. Everyone knows that if they need it our doors are always open.
My husband is too nice to people. He has even told me “It’s good karma, if we ever need help people will be there to return the favor” He is way too trusting. He believes that everyone is ultimately good. Um… Yeah right…
To everyone we know especially to the ones we have helped: If I am wrong where are you hiding?? Do you feel remorse? Guilt ?? Or do you even care at all? Nope. of course not. Not one single fucking person.
We are drowning. You have the ability to help and choose to stand by and watch us struggle. Do you remember you might not be doing so well if we didn’t help you???
I feel like telling everyone if they let this happen, I will never forget that they were not here when we needed them the most. But I’m not sure it would make a difference to anyone. I don’t think they give a shit if they have us in their lives or not.
To think people still question why I would say that I hate people, and why I don’t socialize more. I don’t socialize because throughout life people never miss the chance to show how selfish they are. They are never satisfied and constantly wanting more. Nothing is ever enough for them. Its always Take. Take. Take. They never stop fighting to be the one on top. People won’t blink twice about stabbing you in the back if it will benefit them, or make them look better in comparison. In fact some people will deliberately fuck you over just for fun.
While reflecting back on I started thinking about different things that have happened in my life. Some good times and some bad times. I also started remembering different people that have been in and out of my life. Some of the people I only knew for a short time were the most influential people in my life. Some how they managed to impact me the most. I have met some pretty amazing people. I have been pretty fortunate, I have received many blessings and had a lot of good stuff in my life. I would never want those experiences to be different.

Someone once told me that every experience you have had, every choice you have made, has brought you to where you are today. The good and the bad. It is why, you are who you are, today so you should have no regrets.

So we will be ok. How ever this turns out. My family is still my family so I think I’m still pretty damn fortunate.

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