~WARNING: I just might and then what???~

You tell me that I have given you reasons to not trust me and that I continue to give you reasons not to trust me. I know I have done shit in the past. Whatever. We agreed to move past that. How long is it really necessary to hate yourself for mistakes you have made in the past? How long is it ok to be judged by others because of them?? Frankly I’m tiered of it. Im so done being the one constantly hurting, and regretting my behavior, and constantly trying to fix shit that shouldnt even be an issue any more.
You are so far from perfect yourself. You seem to forget the fucked up shit you have done to me. How convenient..
I don’t know how much longer I’m realistically going to be able to put up with it. This shit is what pushes me into doing something in the first place. Its been a fucking pattern this whole time and you fail to recognize your part in anything. Maybe in between your nice “buzzed beer drinking nice guy” personality and your Im sober life sucks so im a dick to everyone personality, you can make more if an effort to show a little compassion for someone else. Try to understand what i am going through. God knows I am constantly making excuses for you, constantly justifying your behavior yet you are still convinced that I am doing something wrong. I do bad want to say Fuck you.
Why is it so hard for you to believe that I only want to have sex with you. I am not sleeping with any of your friends. That just because one of your friends looks at me and makes you feel uncomfortable doesn’t mean I’m wanting to fuck him. Only when I get accused of it do I wonder what it would be like if I did. I think if i fuck him then left you and we hooked up I doubt he would treat me like this. Shit part of you is convinced I did it already so maybe I should. I should get some fun out of all the constant accusations. I’m pretty sure he would never tell you and I know I could fuck him it wouldn’t be hard. He’s made his interest known.
I even changed my clothes, even though i felt i shouldn’t have to. You asked me to do I did. I don’t want to give you a reason not to trust me. I put on long baggy shorts and a big t-shirt to make sure I was covered up. That didn’t seem good enough. You still questioned me. It was like because I changed I just confirmed that I shouldn’t have been dressed that way to begin with.

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~As if life wasn’t bad enough~

Fuck you cards.

Fuck you cards. Photo credit: m.k.

I am amazed at how quickly and efficiently I can fuck things up. This time I really did it though. I managed to fuck up big time!! I don’t know what to do. I am not suicidal I just want to die. For some reason I don’t think dying wold be a sufficient enough punishment. I’m just sooo tired of being me. I don’t want to be this way. I feel like i am being pulled in two directions and I cant fight anymore. I just want to give up. I am even taking my medication this time. So what excuses do I have now???
I am not stupid yet I keep putting myself in stupid situations.  I am scared, and depressed, and pissed off. I am so mad at myself.  We have no way of paying our bills this month Why? because I Spent all of our money on video poker. I don’t know how I thought it was a good Idea to spend our rent money on video poker. I really believed I was going to win, and win BIG! I was going to win enough to cover all of our bills. Looking back on it, I know it was a ridiculous idea. I am constantly saying how stupid people are to gamble and blow their money like that, but at the time I knew I was going to win. Well I didn’t.. I lost and lost BIG!

We are receiving $721.00 cash a month from TANF, and 779.00 in food stamps. This is our only source of income and doesn’t even cover our rent. When we got this months TANF we put gas in the car. Then went to the store and bought Soap, Shampoo, Laundry soap and all the non food items we needed. That left us with about $620.00. Pretty stressfull as is then comes our electric bill $400.00.
I started freaking out trying to come up with a way to pay our bills. Then I remembered that one of the first times I played video poker I won $275.00 off of $5.00. That was it!…… If I played $20.00 I would definitely win enough to cover everything. I had to.
I left my house around 3:00 in the afternoon and headed straight to play some video poker. Once I got there the place was empty. That meant I had my pick of the machines. This must be a good sign right?? I found my favorite game, got myself all situated and began to play.
Just as quickly as I put the $20.00 in the machine, it was gone. This didn’t alarm me I thought maybe it needed to warm up. If I play a little more I will definitely win. In went the next $20.00. I lost it too. I thought if I keep playing It has to pay out soon. So in went another $20.00. Now I was getting nervous but Its too late to stop I have to keep playing until I win. I put in another $20.00, and another, and another….. This continued over and over until all the money was gone. I spent everything.
I just sat there staring at the machine. It was unbelievable. I felt so nauseous, how did I do this? What am I supposed to do now?. I can’t go home and face my family. I cant tell them that I just made everything worse.
At 9:00 pm I felt a tap on my shoulder. It was my husband he asked me how much I spent. I was afraid to tell him the truth so I said I only spent $20.00 and I was winning. He said that I should come home it was a week day and the kids have school in the morning. So I did. I went home with him.I didn’t want to go home. I wanted to run away, just start driving somewhere and never stop. If he hadn’t came and found me I wouldn’t have come home. I’m not sure where I would have gone. I hadn’t figured that part out yet, but I definitely decided I wouldn’t go home.
I have put my family through so much shit already. I am constantly hurting people and my family doesn’t deserve it. They deserve better than me. I am so disgusted with myself. I have no way to fix this. I have exhausted all the local agencies that help out family’s in need. Plus the family members that usually bail me out of my financial fuck ups say they don’t have the money. I’m sure they are tired of fixing all my problems for me anyway. Especially because I always promise to pay it back or say its the last time and it wont happen again. The fucked up part is I really believe it at the time. I don’t want to depend on them to take care of me.
Why do I keep winding up in situations like this? Haven’t I caused enough drama in everyone’s life? When will it stop? I am so depressed I cant leave my room. I want to sleep it all away. I really hate myself right now. I feel so fucking worthless. This time I hurt my kids. How am I going to explain this to them? I cant even think about it without crying. I am afraid to tell my husband. He might really leave me this time. Fuck. I would leave him. I would be so tired of putting up with everything I put him through. I would pack up the kids and leave.

UPDATE:
I told my husband. Hes not leaving me, but hes not happy with me. He actually didn’t say much, he was at a loss of words which is scary considering he is always talking and never shuts up. I would have rather him yell and tell me how stupid I am. I think hes shocked and just doesn’t want to believe it.

~It can always be worse..~

Description unavailable

Photo credit: Madilyn Peiper

This posting wont make a lot of sense to most people……… 
Where do you draw the line. My line tends to get longer. Its never worse enough. For me nothing is ever normal or the way its supposed to be. Everything is an effort an extreme effort at that. I play situations out in my head before they happen. I try to picture how i would react or what i would do. The worse possible outcome and all. When it happens for real it dosnt matter how much time you spent, or even what you pictured would happen. It never goes as imagined. At least not for me.
Once again I find myself in this oh so familiar spot. Head spinning with non stop thoughts that will never be shared. Questioning reality and the purpose of existing. Wondering what it’s really all about. Recognizing the little things are cherish-able for ever to me and maybe not enough for you.
How is it possible to feel this way? I keep telling myself it could be worse. I will be done if ___. But my ifs keep getting worse. I accept more than I ever thought I would. I’m so good at making excuses.
I really like being lied to, I will believe anything I am told. You think I’m so stupid and I am not capable of getting by without. I am capable of more than you know. You are not the only one who gets away with lying.
I’m not sure why I allow stuff to keep happening the way its been happening. I am fucking falling apart. Im already crazy and now I feel like I’m going crazier. How can someone claim they love someone and do or say the things that were said? How can someone look someone, who loves them, in the eyes and continue causing anguish?
Once again asking how long this time? Who will be the blame? What lame excuses will be used?
Do I enjoy it? Can someone really be that weak? why is it impossible to walk away?
Physically numbing but emotionally agonizing. It’s indescribable, unwanted, unnecessary, and embarrassing. Its embarrassing for everyone. So why am I afraid to let go. I don’t like to hurt. I’m so tired of crying about the same things every time. I want it to be better. I want shit to happen the way it’s meant to.

~I know me and I’m sorry your stupid~

So my latest “unofficial diagnosis” is, I say unofficial because it was a counselor that told me not my psychiatrist, Post traumatic stress disorder. Seriously? as if being bipolar and having panic attacks and severe anxiety problems including social anxiety disorder wasn’t enough someone had to suggest something else…
  I don’t really think I am that crazy but listening to other people talk you would think I should be locked up at some freak show exhibit. Especially listening to people who have no real information about anything, they just think they know everything.
   I went to my aunts house today to barrow money, because of our crappy financial situation. I have been dreading going out there lately because her daughters, my cousins, get under my skin quicker than anyone. They are some of the most opinionated, loud, bitchy people I have ever met. They really have no clue what its like for someone yet they are so quick to offer up advice.
  I don’t understand why they feel its there place, or even necessary for them to talk sometimes. They have to know their input is not always wanted or appreciated. Right? I don’t know.
    The whole reason I am so worked up, is because when I was out there today I was talking to someone else who has been diagnosed bipolar. We were compairing diagnosis’s and information and when I was asked about my ups and downs associated with being bipolar my cousin blurts out ” she has major ups and downs but she is schizophrenic too, not just bipolar” I looked at her and said ” what are you talking about? I have never been diagnosed schizophrenic” Then she actually started arguing with me like I didn’t know my own diagnosis. WTF? I was soooo pissed. Thank god for ativan and Thank god I’m just crazy because it must really suck being that ignorant.

~Scared~

So much stuff has been going on in my life, I have not made any effort to write. I keep telling myself I will as soon as things calm down, but since that dosnt look like its going to happen any time soon I’m forcing myself to write now. First off we are not moving. We wee unable to find a place willing to rent to us, but the real reason is we no longer have the money to move. Subconsciously I think I knew something would happen because I didn’t look as hard as I could have. I don’t give up easily if I’m after something I want, I gave up looking for a place.
The whole story is we got our taxes back paid some past due bills and decided that we would use what was left to move on. That required us to stiff our current landlord the money we owed him and left us no money to give my dads, even though we promised to pay them back out of our taxes. We owe them over $ 6000.
On the 2nd of this month my husband woke me up saying someone was at the door wanting to talk to me. Half asleep I stumble to the door to find a professionally dressed lady with a clipboard. Since my kids were home from school my first reaction was great it’s a truancy officer again. My kids have already missed the max amount of days this year. This year has been unbelievably hard on everyone. We have already been warned they can’t miss anymore days or we will have to pay a fine.
I was thinking what excuse can I come up with to justify them not being in school. I couldn’t tell her the alarm clock went off and I wouldn’t get out of bed or wake my husband and my husband was pretty burnt out from getting the kids up and ready for school by himself all year, he slept through the alarm.
It wasn’t a truancy officer. She introduced herself and told me she worked for child protective services and they had received a complaint. I couldn’t believe it. I wished it was a truancy officer instead. I was in shock and didn’t hear everything she said. I do remember her saying that the complaints were: my kids have no clothes, no food, that they have to go to the neighbors to eat, and the house is trashed, and that my husband and I are on drugs.
She asked if she could see the inside of our place. So many thoughts were racing through my head, I didn’t want to let her in because my house was trashed. I was thinking if she sees the mess she’s going to think the rest of the complaints are true too, but if I didn’t let her in she might think I’m hiding something worse. Then I thought its always better to cooperate and tell the truth right. I let her in. After she walked through she said she could tell the majority of the complaints were
untrue, but the place defiantly needed cleaned.
She asked if we use drugs I told her we did in the past but that’s not an issue now. She said she didn’t think that it was but she has to follow up on all the complaints. She asked what was going on, and how the house got out of control. We told her that my husband lost his job in December and we both have been depressed. I was the one who cleaned while my husband was working, but since he lost his job it has taken every ounce of energy in me just to get through the day. All I can do is the bare minimum. I washed only thed the dishes I needed to use for whatever meal I was making. Garbage just piled up because nobody wanted to take it out. I only did enough laundry to get through the school week, usually washing the same clothes for next week because I couldn’t get myself to dig through the piles of dirty clothes to pick out something different.
We were well aware of the house needing cleaned. The problem was there was so much that needed to be done. We didn’t know where to begin. It was extremely overwhelming.
I remember when she was talking to me and explaining what would happen next, my 5 year old son came and sat in my lap. I zoned out and started thinking this lady has the ability to take my children from me. I immediately started crying. What would I do if she decided to take my kids? I started thinking they would physically have to rip them out of my arms. I would hurt someone, I would go crazy and attack like a wild animal. I wouldn’t let anyone take my babies from me!
Thank god that’s nothing I have to worry about. This whole experience, as scary as it was at first, has been a very positive thing for our family. Since my husband lost his job we have been on state assistance. The only income we have is the $729.00 a month they think a family of 5 can survive on. Our rent is 750.00 so how are we supposed to survive? They told my husband they don’t want him looking for work until I am stable or “feeling better”. They said he’s needed at home.
That’s why we were trying to move. We needed a more affordable place to live. Well since CPs has been involved, they paid the part of our rent we were short, they are going to get us garbage service and pay for it plus they are trying to raise the amount of assistance we get every month, considering it doesn’t cover our expenses. They are also helping me fight for disability benefits.
We agreed to participate in a voluntary service where a child counselor comes to our house twice a week for six weeks and helps us work out whatever issues our family struggles with. We are on our third week and already seeing results.
Thanks to this service my daughter sleeps in her own bed. My kids have been doing chores, and there is an all over smoother feeling to our lives.

~ My daughter from pink lip gloss to green eye shadow~

I don’t know why but my daughter gets under my skin so easily. I think my mother cursed me. She always told me “one of these days you will have a daughter just like you” Thanks mom.
She has always been very dramatic. The fact that we fight now and she is only 8 scares me. What the hell am I supposed to do when she’s a teenager? She gets mad and her voice gets all loud and whiney. I tell her to stop whining and she just gets louder and whinier. It immediately puts me in a bad mood and I loose all patience for her.
She has told me I am ruining her life. She slams her bedroom door, stomps her feet, rolls her eyes and glares at me. My husband is constantly having to intervene. She doesn’t act that way for him as often. He says we fight like we are sisters.
Every morning getting her up and ready for school is disastrous. It’s always something. She is always the last one up. Sometimes i have to literally drag her out of bed. It doesn’t matter how much sleep she gets. She takes twice as long as her brothers to get dressed.
My husband walks them to the bus stop every morning, and they have missed the bus several times waiting on her. I have even gotten her up earlier and it’s like she waits till the last minute to finish getting ready in purpose. Today we had it out over her hair. I simply asked her to brush it. She screeched “I diiiid mom” if she did she didn’t do a good job. It was all messy and sticking up in the back. I said ” are you sure? Go look in the mirror and tell me if that’s how you want to wear your hair to school” she told me “no” and gave me a dirty look. I said ” not looking isn’t going to fix your hair” so she stomped off to the bathroom and fixed her hair. Then asked if she could put on some pink lip gloss. I said sure.
I don’t understand why everything has to be such an ordeal with her. When she got home from school she had on blue eye shadow smeared all the way to her eyebrows, and bright red lipstick. It was so bad. I couldn’t help but tell her she looked like a clown. My husband asked her where she got the makeup and she tried telling him she did it thus morning before school. Um no. He walked her to the bus all she had on was pink lip gloss. She snuck the makeup to school and put it on there. She thinks it looks fantastic. I can’t believe she has had that on her face all day. It looks so ridiculous.

~Truth hurts! Less than the lies~

Ok. So I don’t know why I keep doing this to myself. I keep giving you chances, you have proved you don’t deserve them. Why do I keep hurting myself like this? You tell me what I want to hear, but its not true and means nothing to you. You don’t seem to care about my feelings. You are too distracted from seeking instant gratification. You don’t think about the consequences or longterm effects of your actions. You don’t seem to care how your behavior disrupts my life.
You always tell me it’s going to be different this time. You promise. I give you the benefit of the doubt. I want to believe it so bad. Your word means nothing, I know this. Even when you promise, I know your full of shit, but I never call you out.
I keep my fingers crossed, and pray just one time you won’t disappoint me. Why is it so difficult to tell me the truth? You think that lying to me is protecting me. You think I’m too fragile, too weak, to handle the truth. You think I’m going to hurt myself or go crazy, so you make up some bullshit story trying to cover up what you have done. You do this over and over again and i allow this to happen by continuing to give you chance after chance.
FYI :You have given yourself way too much credit. You are so not that magnificent. Honestly you have brought me more pain than happiness. The truth doesn’t hurt as bad, when your honest from the start.
There is no protection from the pain that happens when the truth comes out, and it always comes out.
You have cut me with your actions, you watched me bleed, but the scares from your lies will never heal. There is no more trust.
You have a backwards way of thinking. It takes strength to be honest. It takes strength to admit your wrong. You are the weaker one. You lack Strength. You are to weak to tell the truth. You continue to hide behind your lies.
Your behavior has become alarming even to you. You are loosing your self to your lies. You are ashamed and hate life. You are drowning in your own misery. You cant remember when or how it got so bad. You cant even mimic happiness through self medicating. Its all become too overwhelming. Yet you continue to hurt me. You continue to lie.
You are not just hurting me. You have caused so much pain to yourself, you are beginning to forget who you are. You are the only one to blame. You are responsible for the destruction of yourself. When is enough, enough? Is the cycle ever going to end? How much more can anyone take?
Just think it all could have been prevented. You could have been happy. You could have been proud of your life. If only you weren’t too chicken shit to tell the truth.

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