Overloaded

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I have had too much time to think today. My mind is overloaded with memories of what I didn’t do. All the empty promises. So many regrets. My head is pounding. I have so many regrets and am trying as hard as I fucking can to get my life back. I miss getting woken up by my kids. I took so much for granted while they were with me I just want another chance to be the mom they deserve to have. I cant imagine life without them. They are the reason i am able to get up and keep moving. They give me strength.

 

I managed to push my dad away. One of the things i have always been good at is pushing people away. I miss being able to talk to him he was one of the few people who could understand me. I hate myself and what i have done to my family. i don”

 

t know if i can fix this and I’m scared.

 

I don’t want to continue to hurt or continue to hurt others. From what i hear recovery is a process and i am headed in the right direction. I am going to make mistakes along the way no body is perfect, i just cant give up and need to stay focused. i am doing this because to me the most important thing in the world is my children. I don’t want to miss out on seeing them grow up. i want to be a part of everything.

 

~ How pathetic I have become ~

 25042012-000043  I am seriously fucking pathetic…………….

I WANT TO RUNAWAY….

I WANT TO HIDE FROM IT ALL……..

What happened to me? I used to be stronger why am I accepting this? Is this love? I am scared to death of being without him. When he holds me I feel loved, I feel protected. He says he loves me and I want to believe him because the though of him not loving me hurts too much. I swore if he did it again I would press charges. I would leave. I didn’t. Why? because he said he was sorry and he loved me and that he’s willing to get help. He’s agreed to go to anger management and counseling. I want to believe him too. It started because I have been sleeping all day,  I am pretty depressed no major reasons it just happens . He can’t understand it, he tries but just can’t. He told me to wake up and do something if I can’t then he said I needed to leave. I said fine I will leave, and asked him to give me my phone so I could text someone to come get me. He said ” fuck your phone” and threw it then proceeded to bust the screen. So I grabbed his tablet ( like an iPad) and ran it under water then threw it on the ground. Then he grabbed me by my neck and slammed my head into the kitchen cabinet, then knocked me on the floor. He then started yelling at me saying this was all my fault that I had caused this.  I sent the kids to the neighbor’s house and he took off. I was shaken up real bad, in complete shock. I didn’t want to believe any of this had just happened. It’s not him. What happened to my super loving supportive husband? What happened to the man I married” As much as I didn’t want to believe what had just happened, I couldn’t. It did. I knew I had to call the cops so I called. They came out took a report and recommended I press charges and get a restraining order first thing in the morning. I agreed. They also said if he comes back don’t argue call 911 ASAP. I promised I would. I called my sister had her come over for some support, she seemed kinda irritated because I have called her to come rescue me several times in the past and nothing ever comes from it. I don’t follow through. Not even an hour after the cops left he was back. He said he came back to turn himself in. He said he was sorry and that he knew he fucked up. We kinda started getting into it outside. He said it was a long time coming, but he shouldn’t have done it. I said ya u did fuck up and you fucked up in front of the kids. Some father you are. Looks like you wont be getting father of the year anytime soon.pretty sure the neighbors heard it they were all standing out side being their normal nosy selves. Then he tried to go upstairs to our apartment so I ran ahead of him and locked the door. The kitchen window was open so he told me fine if that’s the way you want it to be, and I go to jail because of you I will have you killed. He said he would make sure that he let the cops know I was unstable. and have been in the hospital twice. He said I would lose. He also said he would tell the cops I assaulted him first and press charges against me. Even though I didn’t touch him. Whatever scratches he has happened when he attacked me, but since he did have marks I was scared they might believe him. So what do I do? I told him I loved him and never want anything bad to happen to us. I said I want you and our kids. That is all I care about. He said if you really love me don’t press charges. Then he said I have the power to stop this, all I have to do is drop the charges so he  doesnt go to jail and he would go to counseling and anger management. He said he knew he needed help and he’s pretty sure its the alcohol that gets him so angry so he said he would get help with that too. So I told him if he promises to get help I wont press charges. I called 911 to tell them not to send the cops back I wouldn’t press charges. It was too late they were here. They cuffed him and told me to wait upstairs. Then the same officer that took the report came up and talked to me. He said he can’t force me to press charges but he sees this a thousand times. Once a guy puts his hands on a woman he will do it again. I told the officer he agreed to get help and since we have kids together I think I should give him that chance. He said if it goes to court it would be mandatory for him to get help. I said well he has agreed to go so I don’t feel its necessary to go to court. In a very polite and professional manner he pretty much told me I was stupid, and he’s probably right I would tell someone else the same thing. I’m really that afraid of everything.I’m really that afraid of being alone that. I’m willing to believe he can be that one in a million, that will change with some help. I really need some help too! I am so mad at myself. I can’t believe I have such low self-esteem that I really believe this is Ok. That maybe I even deserve it because of all the bad choices I have made· maybe this is my Karma. I have caused so much pain for other people is it now my turn to suffer…..

~WARNING: I just might and then what???~

You tell me that I have given you reasons to not trust me and that I continue to give you reasons not to trust me. I know I have done shit in the past. Whatever. We agreed to move past that. How long is it really necessary to hate yourself for mistakes you have made in the past? How long is it ok to be judged by others because of them?? Frankly I’m tiered of it. Im so done being the one constantly hurting, and regretting my behavior, and constantly trying to fix shit that shouldnt even be an issue any more.
You are so far from perfect yourself. You seem to forget the fucked up shit you have done to me. How convenient..
I don’t know how much longer I’m realistically going to be able to put up with it. This shit is what pushes me into doing something in the first place. Its been a fucking pattern this whole time and you fail to recognize your part in anything. Maybe in between your nice “buzzed beer drinking nice guy” personality and your Im sober life sucks so im a dick to everyone personality, you can make more if an effort to show a little compassion for someone else. Try to understand what i am going through. God knows I am constantly making excuses for you, constantly justifying your behavior yet you are still convinced that I am doing something wrong. I do bad want to say Fuck you.
Why is it so hard for you to believe that I only want to have sex with you. I am not sleeping with any of your friends. That just because one of your friends looks at me and makes you feel uncomfortable doesn’t mean I’m wanting to fuck him. Only when I get accused of it do I wonder what it would be like if I did. I think if i fuck him then left you and we hooked up I doubt he would treat me like this. Shit part of you is convinced I did it already so maybe I should. I should get some fun out of all the constant accusations. I’m pretty sure he would never tell you and I know I could fuck him it wouldn’t be hard. He’s made his interest known.
I even changed my clothes, even though i felt i shouldn’t have to. You asked me to do I did. I don’t want to give you a reason not to trust me. I put on long baggy shorts and a big t-shirt to make sure I was covered up. That didn’t seem good enough. You still questioned me. It was like because I changed I just confirmed that I shouldn’t have been dressed that way to begin with.

~FML~

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FMyLife logo (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

well we just recieved our 72 hour notice to move if we dont pay $750.00 rent and $50.00 late fee. On top of that he has added a $150.00 notice delivery charge. we knew it was coming. I fucked off what little money we had by  gambleing. We didnt have enough money to pay all the bills that were due. I was just trying to get enough money to cover what we didnt have. I didnt win and while I was playing I knew I was losing but it didnt make a
differance I couldnt stop myself. Fuck my life!
I feel sick.  All the local services that could help are unable to. Its such bull shit. I dont know what to say or do its pointless now. FML
Oh my husband has not drank today, that alone would usually be enough to put him in a bad mood but it hasnt. He is back to being super sweet and we are not fighting kinda strange….. Who could have guessed that such fucked up circumstances could have a positive effect on our marriage.
My husband has been unbelievable trying to reassure me everything is going to work out. Surprisingly he was acting like a grown up this time. He literally had to take my phone from me last night, to prevent me from making anything worse. I was acting like such a spoiled child. I was getting myself all worked up over a text message from my dad that I completely took the wrong way. Then I tried to convince my husband everything was my dads fault for being this way and that my dad should fix everything. Like he hasn’t helped us out a hundred times already. I think my husband just had too much of my bullshit and was done listening to my “poor me” shit any longer. He took control of the situation. Thank god I wasn’t able to make it worse.

~It can always be worse..~

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This posting wont make a lot of sense to most people……… 
Where do you draw the line. My line tends to get longer. Its never worse enough. For me nothing is ever normal or the way its supposed to be. Everything is an effort an extreme effort at that. I play situations out in my head before they happen. I try to picture how i would react or what i would do. The worse possible outcome and all. When it happens for real it dosnt matter how much time you spent, or even what you pictured would happen. It never goes as imagined. At least not for me.
Once again I find myself in this oh so familiar spot. Head spinning with non stop thoughts that will never be shared. Questioning reality and the purpose of existing. Wondering what it’s really all about. Recognizing the little things are cherish-able for ever to me and maybe not enough for you.
How is it possible to feel this way? I keep telling myself it could be worse. I will be done if ___. But my ifs keep getting worse. I accept more than I ever thought I would. I’m so good at making excuses.
I really like being lied to, I will believe anything I am told. You think I’m so stupid and I am not capable of getting by without. I am capable of more than you know. You are not the only one who gets away with lying.
I’m not sure why I allow stuff to keep happening the way its been happening. I am fucking falling apart. Im already crazy and now I feel like I’m going crazier. How can someone claim they love someone and do or say the things that were said? How can someone look someone, who loves them, in the eyes and continue causing anguish?
Once again asking how long this time? Who will be the blame? What lame excuses will be used?
Do I enjoy it? Can someone really be that weak? why is it impossible to walk away?
Physically numbing but emotionally agonizing. It’s indescribable, unwanted, unnecessary, and embarrassing. Its embarrassing for everyone. So why am I afraid to let go. I don’t like to hurt. I’m so tired of crying about the same things every time. I want it to be better. I want shit to happen the way it’s meant to.

~I know me and I’m sorry your stupid~

So my latest “unofficial diagnosis” is, I say unofficial because it was a counselor that told me not my psychiatrist, Post traumatic stress disorder. Seriously? as if being bipolar and having panic attacks and severe anxiety problems including social anxiety disorder wasn’t enough someone had to suggest something else…
  I don’t really think I am that crazy but listening to other people talk you would think I should be locked up at some freak show exhibit. Especially listening to people who have no real information about anything, they just think they know everything.
   I went to my aunts house today to barrow money, because of our crappy financial situation. I have been dreading going out there lately because her daughters, my cousins, get under my skin quicker than anyone. They are some of the most opinionated, loud, bitchy people I have ever met. They really have no clue what its like for someone yet they are so quick to offer up advice.
  I don’t understand why they feel its there place, or even necessary for them to talk sometimes. They have to know their input is not always wanted or appreciated. Right? I don’t know.
    The whole reason I am so worked up, is because when I was out there today I was talking to someone else who has been diagnosed bipolar. We were compairing diagnosis’s and information and when I was asked about my ups and downs associated with being bipolar my cousin blurts out ” she has major ups and downs but she is schizophrenic too, not just bipolar” I looked at her and said ” what are you talking about? I have never been diagnosed schizophrenic” Then she actually started arguing with me like I didn’t know my own diagnosis. WTF? I was soooo pissed. Thank god for ativan and Thank god I’m just crazy because it must really suck being that ignorant.

~Scared~

So much stuff has been going on in my life, I have not made any effort to write. I keep telling myself I will as soon as things calm down, but since that dosnt look like its going to happen any time soon I’m forcing myself to write now. First off we are not moving. We wee unable to find a place willing to rent to us, but the real reason is we no longer have the money to move. Subconsciously I think I knew something would happen because I didn’t look as hard as I could have. I don’t give up easily if I’m after something I want, I gave up looking for a place.
The whole story is we got our taxes back paid some past due bills and decided that we would use what was left to move on. That required us to stiff our current landlord the money we owed him and left us no money to give my dads, even though we promised to pay them back out of our taxes. We owe them over $ 6000.
On the 2nd of this month my husband woke me up saying someone was at the door wanting to talk to me. Half asleep I stumble to the door to find a professionally dressed lady with a clipboard. Since my kids were home from school my first reaction was great it’s a truancy officer again. My kids have already missed the max amount of days this year. This year has been unbelievably hard on everyone. We have already been warned they can’t miss anymore days or we will have to pay a fine.
I was thinking what excuse can I come up with to justify them not being in school. I couldn’t tell her the alarm clock went off and I wouldn’t get out of bed or wake my husband and my husband was pretty burnt out from getting the kids up and ready for school by himself all year, he slept through the alarm.
It wasn’t a truancy officer. She introduced herself and told me she worked for child protective services and they had received a complaint. I couldn’t believe it. I wished it was a truancy officer instead. I was in shock and didn’t hear everything she said. I do remember her saying that the complaints were: my kids have no clothes, no food, that they have to go to the neighbors to eat, and the house is trashed, and that my husband and I are on drugs.
She asked if she could see the inside of our place. So many thoughts were racing through my head, I didn’t want to let her in because my house was trashed. I was thinking if she sees the mess she’s going to think the rest of the complaints are true too, but if I didn’t let her in she might think I’m hiding something worse. Then I thought its always better to cooperate and tell the truth right. I let her in. After she walked through she said she could tell the majority of the complaints were
untrue, but the place defiantly needed cleaned.
She asked if we use drugs I told her we did in the past but that’s not an issue now. She said she didn’t think that it was but she has to follow up on all the complaints. She asked what was going on, and how the house got out of control. We told her that my husband lost his job in December and we both have been depressed. I was the one who cleaned while my husband was working, but since he lost his job it has taken every ounce of energy in me just to get through the day. All I can do is the bare minimum. I washed only thed the dishes I needed to use for whatever meal I was making. Garbage just piled up because nobody wanted to take it out. I only did enough laundry to get through the school week, usually washing the same clothes for next week because I couldn’t get myself to dig through the piles of dirty clothes to pick out something different.
We were well aware of the house needing cleaned. The problem was there was so much that needed to be done. We didn’t know where to begin. It was extremely overwhelming.
I remember when she was talking to me and explaining what would happen next, my 5 year old son came and sat in my lap. I zoned out and started thinking this lady has the ability to take my children from me. I immediately started crying. What would I do if she decided to take my kids? I started thinking they would physically have to rip them out of my arms. I would hurt someone, I would go crazy and attack like a wild animal. I wouldn’t let anyone take my babies from me!
Thank god that’s nothing I have to worry about. This whole experience, as scary as it was at first, has been a very positive thing for our family. Since my husband lost his job we have been on state assistance. The only income we have is the $729.00 a month they think a family of 5 can survive on. Our rent is 750.00 so how are we supposed to survive? They told my husband they don’t want him looking for work until I am stable or “feeling better”. They said he’s needed at home.
That’s why we were trying to move. We needed a more affordable place to live. Well since CPs has been involved, they paid the part of our rent we were short, they are going to get us garbage service and pay for it plus they are trying to raise the amount of assistance we get every month, considering it doesn’t cover our expenses. They are also helping me fight for disability benefits.
We agreed to participate in a voluntary service where a child counselor comes to our house twice a week for six weeks and helps us work out whatever issues our family struggles with. We are on our third week and already seeing results.
Thanks to this service my daughter sleeps in her own bed. My kids have been doing chores, and there is an all over smoother feeling to our lives.

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