~As if life wasn’t bad enough~

Fuck you cards.

Fuck you cards. Photo credit: m.k.

I am amazed at how quickly and efficiently I can fuck things up. This time I really did it though. I managed to fuck up big time!! I don’t know what to do. I am not suicidal I just want to die. For some reason I don’t think dying wold be a sufficient enough punishment. I’m just sooo tired of being me. I don’t want to be this way. I feel like i am being pulled in two directions and I cant fight anymore. I just want to give up. I am even taking my medication this time. So what excuses do I have now???
I am not stupid yet I keep putting myself in stupid situations.  I am scared, and depressed, and pissed off. I am so mad at myself.  We have no way of paying our bills this month Why? because I Spent all of our money on video poker. I don’t know how I thought it was a good Idea to spend our rent money on video poker. I really believed I was going to win, and win BIG! I was going to win enough to cover all of our bills. Looking back on it, I know it was a ridiculous idea. I am constantly saying how stupid people are to gamble and blow their money like that, but at the time I knew I was going to win. Well I didn’t.. I lost and lost BIG!

We are receiving $721.00 cash a month from TANF, and 779.00 in food stamps. This is our only source of income and doesn’t even cover our rent. When we got this months TANF we put gas in the car. Then went to the store and bought Soap, Shampoo, Laundry soap and all the non food items we needed. That left us with about $620.00. Pretty stressfull as is then comes our electric bill $400.00.
I started freaking out trying to come up with a way to pay our bills. Then I remembered that one of the first times I played video poker I won $275.00 off of $5.00. That was it!…… If I played $20.00 I would definitely win enough to cover everything. I had to.
I left my house around 3:00 in the afternoon and headed straight to play some video poker. Once I got there the place was empty. That meant I had my pick of the machines. This must be a good sign right?? I found my favorite game, got myself all situated and began to play.
Just as quickly as I put the $20.00 in the machine, it was gone. This didn’t alarm me I thought maybe it needed to warm up. If I play a little more I will definitely win. In went the next $20.00. I lost it too. I thought if I keep playing It has to pay out soon. So in went another $20.00. Now I was getting nervous but Its too late to stop I have to keep playing until I win. I put in another $20.00, and another, and another….. This continued over and over until all the money was gone. I spent everything.
I just sat there staring at the machine. It was unbelievable. I felt so nauseous, how did I do this? What am I supposed to do now?. I can’t go home and face my family. I cant tell them that I just made everything worse.
At 9:00 pm I felt a tap on my shoulder. It was my husband he asked me how much I spent. I was afraid to tell him the truth so I said I only spent $20.00 and I was winning. He said that I should come home it was a week day and the kids have school in the morning. So I did. I went home with him.I didn’t want to go home. I wanted to run away, just start driving somewhere and never stop. If he hadn’t came and found me I wouldn’t have come home. I’m not sure where I would have gone. I hadn’t figured that part out yet, but I definitely decided I wouldn’t go home.
I have put my family through so much shit already. I am constantly hurting people and my family doesn’t deserve it. They deserve better than me. I am so disgusted with myself. I have no way to fix this. I have exhausted all the local agencies that help out family’s in need. Plus the family members that usually bail me out of my financial fuck ups say they don’t have the money. I’m sure they are tired of fixing all my problems for me anyway. Especially because I always promise to pay it back or say its the last time and it wont happen again. The fucked up part is I really believe it at the time. I don’t want to depend on them to take care of me.
Why do I keep winding up in situations like this? Haven’t I caused enough drama in everyone’s life? When will it stop? I am so depressed I cant leave my room. I want to sleep it all away. I really hate myself right now. I feel so fucking worthless. This time I hurt my kids. How am I going to explain this to them? I cant even think about it without crying. I am afraid to tell my husband. He might really leave me this time. Fuck. I would leave him. I would be so tired of putting up with everything I put him through. I would pack up the kids and leave.

UPDATE:
I told my husband. Hes not leaving me, but hes not happy with me. He actually didn’t say much, he was at a loss of words which is scary considering he is always talking and never shuts up. I would have rather him yell and tell me how stupid I am. I think hes shocked and just doesn’t want to believe it.

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