~WARNING: I just might and then what???~

You tell me that I have given you reasons to not trust me and that I continue to give you reasons not to trust me. I know I have done shit in the past. Whatever. We agreed to move past that. How long is it really necessary to hate yourself for mistakes you have made in the past? How long is it ok to be judged by others because of them?? Frankly I’m tiered of it. Im so done being the one constantly hurting, and regretting my behavior, and constantly trying to fix shit that shouldnt even be an issue any more.
You are so far from perfect yourself. You seem to forget the fucked up shit you have done to me. How convenient..
I don’t know how much longer I’m realistically going to be able to put up with it. This shit is what pushes me into doing something in the first place. Its been a fucking pattern this whole time and you fail to recognize your part in anything. Maybe in between your nice “buzzed beer drinking nice guy” personality and your Im sober life sucks so im a dick to everyone personality, you can make more if an effort to show a little compassion for someone else. Try to understand what i am going through. God knows I am constantly making excuses for you, constantly justifying your behavior yet you are still convinced that I am doing something wrong. I do bad want to say Fuck you.
Why is it so hard for you to believe that I only want to have sex with you. I am not sleeping with any of your friends. That just because one of your friends looks at me and makes you feel uncomfortable doesn’t mean I’m wanting to fuck him. Only when I get accused of it do I wonder what it would be like if I did. I think if i fuck him then left you and we hooked up I doubt he would treat me like this. Shit part of you is convinced I did it already so maybe I should. I should get some fun out of all the constant accusations. I’m pretty sure he would never tell you and I know I could fuck him it wouldn’t be hard. He’s made his interest known.
I even changed my clothes, even though i felt i shouldn’t have to. You asked me to do I did. I don’t want to give you a reason not to trust me. I put on long baggy shorts and a big t-shirt to make sure I was covered up. That didn’t seem good enough. You still questioned me. It was like because I changed I just confirmed that I shouldn’t have been dressed that way to begin with.

~ Craigslist Casual Encounters~

Knowing how wrong it is, excites me. I’m drawn to them, like a moth is drawn to light. I am very good at creating problems, especially when things are going good. Self sabotaging in a way.
I am beginning to realize I have a major problem with sex. Besides the pleasure, sex makes me feel worthy, like I have a purpose. Not just any sex either. I like it best when it feels wrong. I am ok with not using protection and I actually get a rush from taking chances. I was at the health clinic just about every weekend, as a teen, to get the morning after pill.
This, risky behavior, goes all the way back to when I lost my virginity. I was 12, hadn’t even started my period yet, and ran away from home with the sole purpose of loosing my virginity. My best friend at the time introduced me to one of her boyfriends friends over the phone. I talked to him for a few days told him i wanted to loose my virginity and he was all for being my first. He was 21. I remember just laying there not knowing what I was supposed to do. It didn’t hurt, but it didn’t feel good either. I didn’t understand all the hype. After he finished and got off of me, I went outside sat on the stairs and just started crying. Some guy started walking up the stairs I bummed a cigarette off him. He sat with me didn’t ask what was wrong but it was still comforting. So when he said he would keep me company if I came back inside I didn’t hesitate to follow. I don’t remember how it happened but I had sex with him too. Later I found out he was 17 and the brother of the first guy I slept with.
It didn’t get any better after that. Sex became kind of like a competition between my friends. I was always trying to out do somebody. The more extreme, the sluttier, the better. I slept with older men. I slept with my friends boyfriends. I was sneaking out my window, as well as sneaking guys in. The thrill was in the possibility of getting caught.
I hooked up with men off live links, (that was before Craigslist) and told them I was 18. Then after they slept with me I told them my real age. I have had numerous one nighters and slept with guys that didn’t even tell me their name. I had sex in public places, sex in porn booths, churches, stolen cars, even schools, and all before I was 18.
My husband was no exception. I was dating his cousin (my first love) before we hooked up. Before my husband and I hooked up I had sex with his cousin while he laid in bed next to us. I wasn’t really into my husband at first, but he had drugs and when I am high all I want to do is have sex, for hours and hours, until im so exhausted that I can’t move anymore.
I have never been faithful to any guy I dated. I stayed with a guy just until I found someone I liked better. I always cheated, and continued to cheat even after getting married.
I have cheated on my husband 11 times. I always found a way to make it my husbands fault too. He wasnt spending time with me, he drank too much, he didn’t have a job. I looked for anything I could to justify my behavior. I was wrong. There is no justification. I fucked up. Whatever he was doing at the time, he was not responsible for the way i was acting.
I hooked up with guys that I thought were cuter, or guys that had a job, or guys that I felt I had a connection with. I even slept with guys that claimed to be his friend. Nothing ever lasted, and my husband always took me back.
I should no better but once again, I found myself responding, and posting, to casual encounters. Not sure if it’s desperation or boredom. I still find myself wanting something better, something more exiting, something that’s not mine and might not even exist.
I thought I wanted to hook up with someone and got a response from a normal guy. Of all places to meet a decent person lol. He actually gave me some good advice. He made me reevaluate my situation and make a little more since of things. One thing he said that really stuck was “you don’t always have to do something” it was pretty powerful statement. He was absolutely right. I always feel like I have to do something, and that something causes more problems than its worth……

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