I still need you

I am bipolar, have severe anxiety disorder and am an addict. I have made some major mistakes in my life and am trying to fix myself. I am in counseling, seeing a MD regularly for medication management, I am in treatment and attending n.a. Meetings. I hate the person I was and am struggleing to figure out who I am. I have so many intense feelings I am not used to having and really suck at expressing. I blog to help process my emotions and just get it all out. I dont mean to offend anyone especially my dad. I have a really amazing dad. I dont think he knows how much he really means to me. Growing up everyone told me I was so much like him, like it was a bad thing but I never seen it that way. He is one of the strongest people I know and if I had to choose someone to be like it would be him. I know I will recover and my life will be amazing because of my dad.

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~Routine and change~

  I can’t sleep probably because I was sleeping off and on all day today and yesterday and all week lol. Seems like I either sleep too much or hardly at all. I never seem to get the right amount of sleep.
  I feel like I’m on edge constantly. I have a much shorter fuse than usual. I have been getting angry a lot and stay that way for a lot longer. I don’t have patience at all. I have so many thoughts racing through my mind at all times I get mad when someone starts talking to me and I am unable to obsess on whatever it is I am obsessing about.
     I have unrealistic expectations of my kids and husband.I expect everything to be done the way I want it to be done, when I want it to be done. I feel like if I am not controlling everything and everyone things will start to fall apart. I feel like I can predict the outcome of a situation that I am not in control of and it never turns out good the way I see it. So its better for me to just take control and even do it myself if I want it done right.
    We are attempting a routine at home. Until now a routine was a foreign concept in our house.My husband and I have never been strict about bed time, or any other time for that matter. Our kids were aloud to do pretty much what they want as long as they were getting along.
   This new routine has a set time for everything and an allotted amount of time to do it in. What I mean by everything is…. there is a time to wake up,  get dressed, brush teeth, catch the bus, time to do homework, time to do chores, and a time to go to bed. I have even planed out what time we have meals and how long it should take to eat. I scheduled when the kids bathe, and even when they are able to have free time.

     Having more structure in our lives, a routine? I thought it was simple, and even kind of fun. I would make a list of when and what I wanted everyone to do. All they would be responsible for, is doing what I say. Since I am such a control freak, I loved the thought of getting my family to do what I wanted them to.
   Wrong!! What was I thinking. Its a lot harder to get people who have never had any structure or routine in their lives, Including myself, to commit to any kind of a schedule.  It was fine the first day but come day two everyone was bored with it. Even I have to admit I am not a fan of doing the same thing over and over again. It actually depresses me to know whats coming next.
 I’m not sure why but I like my life to be exciting. I want to let things just happen. I don’t want to know whats coming next.           ( probably my bi-polar self speaking lol ).
  Or maybe I have been living in such chaos for so long, its all I’m used to. Its all I know. Do I actual find comfort in this chaotic, unorganized, way of living???? Yeah.I think I do….  I’m sure that’s been the majority of my problems for a while now lol. I actually have a habit of creating drama or chaos or whatever you want to call it when life is running smoothly.
    I don’t know anymore everything is changing, changing for the better, I know, But its still overwhelming. I’m getting a lot of support from places I didn’t even know existed. I guess its the whole way everything happened that freaks me out. I wasn’t in control. Everything is not going to be as chaotic as I have grown accustomed to.
   I have learned a few things about myself too. I guess what I am trying to say is I need to grow up a little lol. Learn to let things go, and just appreciate all the positive stuff that’s happening.
     This change is not all bad. I do like my kids sleeping in their own rooms and having a regular bedtime. So at the very least I can stick to that but as far as the rest of the schedule goes.. Who knows? My guess is we wont be following it completely, but then again I have been wrong before and I need to stop trying to be in control of everything and everyone. Plus I know I cant accurately predict the outcome of any situation lol

~ My daughter from pink lip gloss to green eye shadow~

I don’t know why but my daughter gets under my skin so easily. I think my mother cursed me. She always told me “one of these days you will have a daughter just like you” Thanks mom.
She has always been very dramatic. The fact that we fight now and she is only 8 scares me. What the hell am I supposed to do when she’s a teenager? She gets mad and her voice gets all loud and whiney. I tell her to stop whining and she just gets louder and whinier. It immediately puts me in a bad mood and I loose all patience for her.
She has told me I am ruining her life. She slams her bedroom door, stomps her feet, rolls her eyes and glares at me. My husband is constantly having to intervene. She doesn’t act that way for him as often. He says we fight like we are sisters.
Every morning getting her up and ready for school is disastrous. It’s always something. She is always the last one up. Sometimes i have to literally drag her out of bed. It doesn’t matter how much sleep she gets. She takes twice as long as her brothers to get dressed.
My husband walks them to the bus stop every morning, and they have missed the bus several times waiting on her. I have even gotten her up earlier and it’s like she waits till the last minute to finish getting ready in purpose. Today we had it out over her hair. I simply asked her to brush it. She screeched “I diiiid mom” if she did she didn’t do a good job. It was all messy and sticking up in the back. I said ” are you sure? Go look in the mirror and tell me if that’s how you want to wear your hair to school” she told me “no” and gave me a dirty look. I said ” not looking isn’t going to fix your hair” so she stomped off to the bathroom and fixed her hair. Then asked if she could put on some pink lip gloss. I said sure.
I don’t understand why everything has to be such an ordeal with her. When she got home from school she had on blue eye shadow smeared all the way to her eyebrows, and bright red lipstick. It was so bad. I couldn’t help but tell her she looked like a clown. My husband asked her where she got the makeup and she tried telling him she did it thus morning before school. Um no. He walked her to the bus all she had on was pink lip gloss. She snuck the makeup to school and put it on there. She thinks it looks fantastic. I can’t believe she has had that on her face all day. It looks so ridiculous.

~Letters from me~

My husband has been going through boxes, trying to weed through what we need to keep and what we need to get rid of. Trying to make since of all the stuff we have accumulated over the last 10 years. We are trying to downsize a lot before we move. The less we have, the less it will cost to move. He found some letters I wrote. One to my sister, and one to my dad i was 17 & 18 when I wrote them. My husband and I hooked up when I has 17, I was actually living with him at the time. I vividly remember writing the letters too. I wrote a letter to everyone i knew. I passed out some but these never got delivered for whatever reason. My mom had moved to Springfield, my sister went with. I stayed in Portland with my dad. Growing up my sister was always closer to mom, and I was closer to dad. My mom was sick and my sister has that ” I need to take care of you” personality. Plus my sister was a pretty good kid. She was also the baby and my mom babied her. My mom and I had a rocky relationship. In fact I hated my mom.My mom was a “good kid” she never partied or did drugs, she lost her virginity to the man she thought she was going to marry. My mom didn’t understand me, I think I scared her. My dad partied and did stupid shit growing up. So because I did stupid shit I related to my dad more. She never missed an opportunity to tell me I was just like my dad, and my sister was just like her.I feel like she pushed me towards my dad and my sister towards her. It wasn’t until I had a kid that our relationship changed and for once in my life she was actually a mother to me. I am so grateful that the last few years of her life we got along, so I do have good memories of her. She was an amazing grandma too.
  Anyways I thought I would share the letters so here is what I wrote:

                                                    To my sister:

 I don’t know what mom’s deal is but she acts like she doesn’t care either way if she has a relationship with me or not. She acts like I embarrass her. Fuck, Dad hasn’t always approved of my choices, but at least he accepts that they are my choices. I know if I ever need help I could go to Dad. I’m not sure I could count on Mom being there for me if I fucked up. I have to learn for myself, I don’t think bad stuff happens to everyone, and I cant learn from other peoples mistakes.
I kinda think Mom expects me to be someone I am not. I know you feel Dad wants you to be someone your not. We just need to be ourselves. Fuck what they want. Its our life and we will never be happy if we are constantly trying to impress them.
So when it comes to Dad, don’t listen to everything he says, only take the advice that you think is the best for you. Try being honest with him. Write him a letter if you have to. Don’t worry about how he will react because ultimately you are the only person you need to worry about. I will do the same when it comes to Mom.
 I have been putting off writing her a letter for the longest time.I think I am going to write Mom and Dad both a letter about everything and give it to them after i turn 18. Don’t worry I will let you read them before I give it to them, that way I have your approval.

                                                       To my Dad:

 I’m writing this letter to thank you for being my Dad. I know I was a handful at times, but you never turned your back on me. that means so much to me.I also want to thank you for letting me make my own mistakes and being there when i needed help.
You have always accepted me for me. You allowed me to make my own decisions. I am really happy in life. I even wrote Mom a letter asking her to be a Mom to me. That was really hard. I’m glad I don’t have to ask you to be a Dad. Now I’m 18 years old and responsible for myself. That’s a little scary but it would have been a lot scarier if you weren’t there for me. I just want you to know that I may be a “grown-up” but I still need my Dad.

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