Autamata This song is amazing….

Lyrics to Out Of This by Autamata :

I will confront you at last you dreaded empty
When I met you in others I fell in love
From the cradle, to the bottle, to the needle to the bed
We all need something to deliver us from dread

But I believe in truth

Out of this noise, here comes the stillness
Out of this chaos, here comes the order
Out of this language, out of this language
Out of these words

And a hollow man leaves you empty-handed
With fingers carved from Asian ivory
From the cradle, to the treadmill, to the rocker, to the last sigh
Some are made happy when something dies

Out of this noise, here comes the stillness
Out of this chaos, here comes the order
Out of this language, out of this language
Out of these words

Shitsujo, seijaku, shinjitsu
Shitsujo, seijaku, shinjitsu, shinjitsu

Out of patience, out of deed
Out of courage, out of me
Out of reason, out of truth
Out of conscience, out of you

Konran kara shitsujo ga umare
Soon kara seijaku ga umareru
Shinjitsu wa ai o umu

Out of this…

~Love, and being in love is priceless~

Love for Arts

Love for Arts (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

It has been really difficult for me to be “in love” I looked for any little problem as a sign that I’m not really in love. I told so many lies, to everyone including my self, just to make it believable. I didn’t want to be in love.
Being vulnerable, letting someone have that much control over me seemed like some sort of weakness. I had to be strong at all times. I couldn’t let anyone too close because they would see how weak I really am.
I didn’t feel like I deserved to be loved. I thought there was no way my husband could live me especially after everything I put him through.
I know now thats not true. I dont think we always get to choose who we love. Some people have a way of breaking down your walls and never letting you put them back up. I wish I could go back and tell myself how stupid and selfish I was acting. I wish I wouldn’t have been so determined not to be in love. I wasted so much time.
I am so blessed, so lucky to have such an amazing husband. He has given me 3 of the worlds greatest kids. Without a doubt, with everything inside of me I am so in love with him. I dint care how stupid i look or what other people think. I tell him only about a hundred times a day just how much I love him. My chest gets all warm and heavy and i get butterflies just thinking about him. I don’t want him to ever have to question it ever again.
He has been and always will be there for me, and I want him to know I am always here for him as well. We don’t always agree on things and bicker about stupid things but when it comes down to what really matters, we are for once, on the same page. Neither one of us is going anywhere.
I wouldn’t give up being able to cuddle to him every night. Not even for all the money in the world. That feeling that I have been in denial about, the one I was so afraid of really is the most priceless treasure in the world.

~Truth hurts! Less than the lies~

Ok. So I don’t know why I keep doing this to myself. I keep giving you chances, you have proved you don’t deserve them. Why do I keep hurting myself like this? You tell me what I want to hear, but its not true and means nothing to you. You don’t seem to care about my feelings. You are too distracted from seeking instant gratification. You don’t think about the consequences or longterm effects of your actions. You don’t seem to care how your behavior disrupts my life.
You always tell me it’s going to be different this time. You promise. I give you the benefit of the doubt. I want to believe it so bad. Your word means nothing, I know this. Even when you promise, I know your full of shit, but I never call you out.
I keep my fingers crossed, and pray just one time you won’t disappoint me. Why is it so difficult to tell me the truth? You think that lying to me is protecting me. You think I’m too fragile, too weak, to handle the truth. You think I’m going to hurt myself or go crazy, so you make up some bullshit story trying to cover up what you have done. You do this over and over again and i allow this to happen by continuing to give you chance after chance.
FYI :You have given yourself way too much credit. You are so not that magnificent. Honestly you have brought me more pain than happiness. The truth doesn’t hurt as bad, when your honest from the start.
There is no protection from the pain that happens when the truth comes out, and it always comes out.
You have cut me with your actions, you watched me bleed, but the scares from your lies will never heal. There is no more trust.
You have a backwards way of thinking. It takes strength to be honest. It takes strength to admit your wrong. You are the weaker one. You lack Strength. You are to weak to tell the truth. You continue to hide behind your lies.
Your behavior has become alarming even to you. You are loosing your self to your lies. You are ashamed and hate life. You are drowning in your own misery. You cant remember when or how it got so bad. You cant even mimic happiness through self medicating. Its all become too overwhelming. Yet you continue to hurt me. You continue to lie.
You are not just hurting me. You have caused so much pain to yourself, you are beginning to forget who you are. You are the only one to blame. You are responsible for the destruction of yourself. When is enough, enough? Is the cycle ever going to end? How much more can anyone take?
Just think it all could have been prevented. You could have been happy. You could have been proud of your life. If only you weren’t too chicken shit to tell the truth.

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