~What I put up with..~

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emotion icon Photo credit: Ɓukasz Strachanowski

How can i feel so much frustration towards him and be so in love at the same time. He can be so fucking irritating. Its as if he goes out of his way to annoy me or pick a fight. It’s ridiculous what all I put up with being married to him. Its never too much though because I continue taking it smiling the whole time.
Granted I have been under an unusual amount of stress lately. It hasn’t helped anything knowing that my meds need some serious adjusting.
All things considered, I might be feeling things too intensely. Its possible I am making it worse than it needs to be. I have been having some major mood swings, even I can see that.
Neither one of us know how to handle our current circumstances. I just can’t understand why we have to be at each others throats all the time. Shouldn’t we be a team? Try to work together? Nope. Not us. That would be the right thing to do and we never do things the right way. We have to learn the hard way.
We both have a hard time processing stress. I freak out, get so emotional and have a panic attack resulting in the need for Ativan aka my happy pills. His method to cope is drinking. Whatever he can get to drown out his problems. He wants to be numb and not have to feel any emotion. Showing emotion, to him, is some sort of character defect. It’s the same as telling everyone you are weak. It’s just not acceptable for him.
It didn’t take long for him to revert back to his old self. All his old habits are creeping back around. He went from being so patient and understanding to “I don’t give a shit and your just crazy”
He is back to drinking and trying to lie about it. Like its not completely obvious he’s stumbling around. Not to mention he slurs his words and nods out. Plus you can smell it on him. He insists he has no problem yet still feels the need to lie about it. So why is that?
I hate fighting with him and that seems to be all we ever do anymore. It’s so exhausting. I don’t even know how I’m supposed to react anymore. Everything winds up being my fault anyways. There is no accountability for him.
When did he become the one in control anyways? I used to be the one in control. Or at the very I wasn’t afraid of defending myself.
I used to think I was so much better than him. That no way he could ever get with anyone else. I thought I was the best thing that ever happened to him. I used to tell people I wasn’t afraid of him fucking around regardless of how many times i did it to him. I was the only one dumb enough to sleep with him.
Well he finally had enough if me fucking whoever I wanted while he waited for me to come home. When we broke up this last time he fucked 2 people. Even though I am way Better than the 2 people he slept with. (one of them was a toothless crack head and the other one had the worlds fattest ass. You have to be careful not to get too close or it will suck you in, and nobody would ever see you again.) That showed me huh? Now that he has been with other people I am not so sure of myself.
I’m scared of pissing him off and pushing him away. So now I pretty much do whatever he says. He is becoming quite controlling. He doesn’t like me talking to certain people. He complains I never leave the house then gets mad when I do. He plays it off like he’s looking out for me and just wants to protect me.
Even though he says he trusts me and insists he has forgiven me. His behavior says otherwise. When he drinks enough it’s a whole different story. He holds nothing back. I hear all about how big of a slut I am… And never mind my feelings, according to him all I care about is fucking. He accuses me of wanting to sleep with every guy we know.
He always finds a way of bringing up how I tried to kill myself. He tells me how hard it was for him, how he can’t forget the image of me swallowing all those pulls. He says that the look that I had on my face haunts him. He says that his worst fear is me taking my life.
There are a few major fucked up things that have happened over the years. We remeHe never has any memories of the times he has clearly been in the wrong. We have opposite memories of what happened that day. I distinctly remember him pushing me outside and locking the door telling me I can’t die in his house. When I was in the hospital I wanted nothing more than for him to come comfort me. I needed him and he basically told me to fuck off. According to him he was the concerned husband and he didn’t come to the hospital because he was too scared to see me like that.
Is he just pretending to love me? Is he really afraid I will do something stupid if he actually leaves me?
It makes me wonder if he regrets getting back together and trying to work out our problems. He has told me that he enjoyed his freedom and not having to answer to anyone but himself while we were separated.
Sometimes the way he looks at me or even talks to me, even just the tone of his voice, makes me question his motives for reconciliation in the first place.
No matter what happens. I will never leave him again. I know without a doubt I am in love with him. I want to spend the rest of my life with him. He will have to be the one to end it and the thought of him doing that is absolutely horrifying. You better believe I’m not going out without a fight. FYI: When I want something bad enough I will get it.

~ My daughter from pink lip gloss to green eye shadow~

I don’t know why but my daughter gets under my skin so easily. I think my mother cursed me. She always told me “one of these days you will have a daughter just like you” Thanks mom.
She has always been very dramatic. The fact that we fight now and she is only 8 scares me. What the hell am I supposed to do when she’s a teenager? She gets mad and her voice gets all loud and whiney. I tell her to stop whining and she just gets louder and whinier. It immediately puts me in a bad mood and I loose all patience for her.
She has told me I am ruining her life. She slams her bedroom door, stomps her feet, rolls her eyes and glares at me. My husband is constantly having to intervene. She doesn’t act that way for him as often. He says we fight like we are sisters.
Every morning getting her up and ready for school is disastrous. It’s always something. She is always the last one up. Sometimes i have to literally drag her out of bed. It doesn’t matter how much sleep she gets. She takes twice as long as her brothers to get dressed.
My husband walks them to the bus stop every morning, and they have missed the bus several times waiting on her. I have even gotten her up earlier and it’s like she waits till the last minute to finish getting ready in purpose. Today we had it out over her hair. I simply asked her to brush it. She screeched “I diiiid mom” if she did she didn’t do a good job. It was all messy and sticking up in the back. I said ” are you sure? Go look in the mirror and tell me if that’s how you want to wear your hair to school” she told me “no” and gave me a dirty look. I said ” not looking isn’t going to fix your hair” so she stomped off to the bathroom and fixed her hair. Then asked if she could put on some pink lip gloss. I said sure.
I don’t understand why everything has to be such an ordeal with her. When she got home from school she had on blue eye shadow smeared all the way to her eyebrows, and bright red lipstick. It was so bad. I couldn’t help but tell her she looked like a clown. My husband asked her where she got the makeup and she tried telling him she did it thus morning before school. Um no. He walked her to the bus all she had on was pink lip gloss. She snuck the makeup to school and put it on there. She thinks it looks fantastic. I can’t believe she has had that on her face all day. It looks so ridiculous.

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