~Less negativity~

Nail polishes

Nail polishes (Photo credit: The Style PA)

I have been wasting way to much time and energy, blogging about and even obsessing all day, over  the negative stuff in my life. Oblivious to the fact there is still plenty of good things  in my life. My blog has become quite depressing, and not a really what my life is all about. So I hope this list can change the current vibe.

 Some of The Good Things:

  * Re-connecting with people who understand.
Thanks to Facebook, I have re-connected with someone who might not even know how influential they have been, or how appreciative I am to know them. This person was available to listen when I really needed someone to listen. Having someone to listen, and not judge you, really can make all the difference.
 *My dads
I don’t always do a good job expressing my appreciation. I really suck at apologizing. Its not because I don’t want to, more like just an ” I’m sorry ” isn’t good enough. God knows they have been put through some pretty heavy shit thanks to me lol. It has not changed the fact that they will always love me. They will always be there for me.
 * My kids
They are constantly amazing me. I dont know how I helped create 3 of the worlds greatest people, but I have. If you know my kids, then you know this is true. All 3 of them have a way of cheering me up without even trying. They all have their own special ways of doing things. They never fail to make me smile.
* My husband
He is capable of comforting me like nobody else can, I know he always  and always will love me. When I am with him I am safe, especially when he wraps his arms around me. When I lay with my head on his chest, there is no place I would rather be. I wish I could freeze time and stay in that moment, with him, forever.
*My Sister
Although she is younger, nobody could tell, she has always been the more responsible one. She has bailed me out of many, many situations. She has always been dependable and supportive. If I go to battle she always has my side, even if I am clearly the one in the wrong.
*chocolate
What more do I need to say about chocolate?
* Red nail polish
Nothing is sexier than some bright red nail polish. When feeling less than  attractive just slap on some red nail polish and watch how quickly that changes.
* Sex
Much like chocolate nothing more needs to be said.
* the color pink
Easily accommodates every mood. From girly and sweet with pastels to the more exciting brighter shades, can even feel naughty when paired with something black.
* my dog
I adopted her off of craigslist. Such a cute but  hyper little thing.  She is half chihuahua  half Pomeranian.She can be very moody, like me so naturally we bonded instantly lol.
* ativan
Many days I could not have survived with out it. My happy pills.
*Memories
Because there are a lot of good ones.
*flip flops
So much fun, comfy, and cute.
*Short shorts
Because my legs are hot!
*sunshine
Summertime, adventures, plus people wear a lot less clothes lol
*laughter
You can never have enough its value is way under appreciated .
*Hugs and kisses and cuddling.
All the little reminders that you are loved.
*my IPhone
Even though It has no phone service currently, I am able to blog from anywhere.
*Mascara, Hair straightener, and chap stick.
A few things I could not live without.
Nike’s
My favorite only because  they are the cutest tennis shoes ever. 
Pixie Stix
For all the sugary goodness, and more reasons.. sorry folks I will be keeping those all to myself… Lol
Pepsi
It is my favorite soda, and from what I have been told… “It’s what crazy people drink” ** fitting in my circumstances lol

Thats enough for now. I will more than likely add more stuff as I remember it.

~ Ativan, Norco, Marijuana, and trailers?? WTF~

So i am trying to find a place in Portland. Having evictions and bad credit and a very limited income has not made it easy lol. So we decided the most realistic thing would be a trailer. I have no car at the moment. When shitty things happen to me (like my husband loosing his job) its never just one thing. It’s almost impossible to rent s place without seeing it, and I feel like times running out and I need to find a place.
So my sister was going to take her 2 boys to Portland overnight to visit our dads. I tagged along bringing my youngest boy. The car ride there was horrible the boys fought and screamed to the point I had a migraine by the time we got to Portland. Thank god for Norco and Ativan.
Soon after we got there I was ready to go home. I love my dads. I love spending time with them. The kids love “grandpa” and “papa” but there house is not kid friendly. They have a lot of nice shit so it’s kinda scary having the kids run wild. Plus my dad is using medical marijuana so it’s hard to be around him sometimes when he’s stoned. It’s just weird. I remember being 16 getting in the car my dad smelled weed on me and freaked out making me tell him where I got it from. Then he went to that boys house and told him never to sell weed to his daughter again. Needless to say the boy never even talked to me again. So now my dads smoking weed? Whatever. I get it has medicinal purposes and for him it does but it’s still strange.
My husbands cousin was supposed to meet up with me and take me to some trailer park where he knows the maintenance guy. He was hoping he could pull some strings and vouch that we are good people. Well it didn’t happen, my husbands family isn’t always punctual. I was only going to be in town for one day so my sister and I just drive over and looked for ourselves. I was surprised it wasn’t that bad. No furniture in the yard. No guys in wife beaters missing teeth. I expected the worst. I mean its a trailer park after all. It actually looked homey, and this was a “mobile home community” not a trailer park. I didn’t realize there was a difference. Lol
Every time I visit my dad he finds some time to lecture me about something. It never fails. He never sees it as lecturing though. Oh no, its just good old parental advice, maybe just a talk or a tip. No matter how he wants to disguise it, its a lecture.
Usually it’s not bad and I can see his point or end up agreeing with him anyways. This time it wasn’t like that. I didn’t agree. My irritation continued until I got home ending with a fuck u text from me and DONE from him.
He always points out how sick he is it feels like he is trying to guilt me or make me feel worse. Some how I’m responsible for making his sickness worse I don’t know. I don’t understand why it necessary to point out being sick every time we have an upsetting conversation.
First off my sister was there and when ever my sister is around I don’t really try to talk to him. There’s no point. He’s so wrapped up in whatever she’s doing you cant get a word in. I stopped trying. I think part of him feels guilty for not having a closer relationship with her when she was younger. Maybe he’s overcompensating for lost time.
Lately he has his head so far up her ass she can do no wrong. I Was really offended by some of the comments he made to me.
My sisters husband called my sister while we were at dads, telling her that his brother had another break down he asked her not to tell anyone all the details because he doesn’t want people to think that’s going to happen to him too. I told my sister if he really doesn’t want people to think that then maybe he should go to counseling and get some meds. I was pointing out that we don’t think he’s crazy because of his brother, we think he’s crazy because he’s crazy. Scary crazy without treatment.
She got all defensive and said maybe u should go to counseling. I said I do. She said its a problem for her marriage. If thats how she wants it then she shouldn’t bring it up around me, that situation was very traumatic for me. I will always have an opinion that is valid. I was traumatized by him, it’s not something I can just forget. She said well I can’t make him it’s something he has to do for himself. Which I agree with. But if it really concerned him, he would be doing everything he could to better himself.
You don’t freak out the way he did and then all of a sudden your ok for the rest of your life. He’s Fucking nuts. I know because I’m crazy too. But his crazy is scary crazy it fucked up everyone’s life. I lost my home and my relationship thanks to his version of crazy.
One of the things my dad said was he thinks my sister has handled the whole situation well. I said i don’t. He got all mad and said i was delusional about the whole situation. I told him i had my experience, i lived in it i am entitled to feel the way i feel about it. That didn’t go over too well.
My dad has to be right and try to conform you to his side if you disagree. He thinks he has all the information, he’s so much wiser from life experiences. That would be true if he lived down here seen everything and actually had all the information.
You know whats funny is before he felt the need to kiss my sisters ass he told me that i was a victim in that situation. That her husband destroyed people, and that he could forgive my husband before ever forgiving my sisters.
Now his opinion has changed. He’s all accepting of my sisters choices and marriage and back to hating my husband. Well my opinion hasn’t changes and wont until he gets on meds. Its such a big fucking deal for me do be on meds. Well it should be a bigger fucking deal for him.
Oh then my dad said maybe having a job would help him. Sorry dad working doesn’t prevent crazy either.
My dad lives 2 hours away and only knows what we tell him and it’s usually over the phone. I guarantee it’s not everything either. My sister claimed she didn’t leave him because ” he was sick and you just don’t leave someone just because they are sick”.
Bitch ass excuse as far as I’m concerned. She did leave him. You get treatment for your family to come back. Her taking him back has enabled him to not get treatment. Why should he? Its not fun. He has no incentive now.
She cried for weeks about how she doesn’t know how to date, she’s fat, who’s gonna want her. Then she started going and seeing her husband for the day here and there. She just got scared and took him back because she is afraid she would end up alone with two kids.
When someone damages that many people and doesn’t get help, leaving them should be the only option. She just recently started leaving her kids with him again. He scared her too, she doesn’t know what he is capable of. Who knows when he’s gonna snap again. He’s got a pretty thick family history of crazy along with his own version of nuts. It’s only a matter of time.
Everyone that believes he is ok is fucking stupid. I think I might post the emails he sent me so everyone can see why I feel the way I feel.

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