~ The way we once were ~

childhood memory

childhood memory (Photo credit: AlicePopkorn)

One of my friends, actually my best friend at the time, from when I was a teenager has been talking to me on Facebook. Kinda strange catching up after all these years. I can’t believe I can say I knew her 10 years ago. Really? We got old fast. It doesn’t feel like 10 years have gone by. In fact it feels like we were just hanging out. I can clearly remember riding the busses all over portland. Loitering down town. Hooking up with complete losers. Waterfront. Saturday Market. Party’s. Everything was an adventure. Life never lacked excitement. We always found trouble to get in to. When did it stop? Why?
I remember the reason we stopped hanging out, she hated that I had a boyfriend. He took up too much of my time, so I couldn’t run around with her. We got into a huge fight down town Portland telling anyone who would listen every dirty little secret we knew about each other. (girls are damn vicious, we are in it to kill) Then we just stopped talking. We both moved away. Didn’t matter to either of us to stay in contact. I’m pretty sure we hated each other.
Even though we were not friends anymore, we had mutual friends. So every once in a while I would hear what or who she was doing. It took her a while to settle down. I got married and had kids with that boy friend she didn’t like so much. She started stripping, and hitting the drug scene a lot harder than we did together. I seriously thought she was so into that lifestyle, she wouldn’t be able to stop. I expected it to kill her.
Well she got married about 3 years ago, and she just became a mom. She had a hard time getting pregnant. They were trying ever since they got married nothing worked. Then when they were about to give up they decided to try in vitro and it worked. She is now a mom of twins. A boy and a girl.
Most couples want one of each, and a lot of people keep trying until they get both. Kinda nice she got both at once. It makes the wait worth it.
I have a lot of mixed emotions about seeing her. I mean we both have changed so much from the time we knew each other. She is really excited about being a mom and wants to show off the babies, which I get. It’s the best thing in the world becoming a parent. I just don’t know her anymore. She doesn’t know me either so it just feels strange. We are not the same people we once were…., Plus it brings back a lot of anxiety inducing memories lol

~Less negativity~

Nail polishes

Nail polishes (Photo credit: The Style PA)

I have been wasting way to much time and energy, blogging about and even obsessing all day, over  the negative stuff in my life. Oblivious to the fact there is still plenty of good things  in my life. My blog has become quite depressing, and not a really what my life is all about. So I hope this list can change the current vibe.

 Some of The Good Things:

  * Re-connecting with people who understand.
Thanks to Facebook, I have re-connected with someone who might not even know how influential they have been, or how appreciative I am to know them. This person was available to listen when I really needed someone to listen. Having someone to listen, and not judge you, really can make all the difference.
 *My dads
I don’t always do a good job expressing my appreciation. I really suck at apologizing. Its not because I don’t want to, more like just an ” I’m sorry ” isn’t good enough. God knows they have been put through some pretty heavy shit thanks to me lol. It has not changed the fact that they will always love me. They will always be there for me.
 * My kids
They are constantly amazing me. I dont know how I helped create 3 of the worlds greatest people, but I have. If you know my kids, then you know this is true. All 3 of them have a way of cheering me up without even trying. They all have their own special ways of doing things. They never fail to make me smile.
* My husband
He is capable of comforting me like nobody else can, I know he always  and always will love me. When I am with him I am safe, especially when he wraps his arms around me. When I lay with my head on his chest, there is no place I would rather be. I wish I could freeze time and stay in that moment, with him, forever.
*My Sister
Although she is younger, nobody could tell, she has always been the more responsible one. She has bailed me out of many, many situations. She has always been dependable and supportive. If I go to battle she always has my side, even if I am clearly the one in the wrong.
*chocolate
What more do I need to say about chocolate?
* Red nail polish
Nothing is sexier than some bright red nail polish. When feeling less than  attractive just slap on some red nail polish and watch how quickly that changes.
* Sex
Much like chocolate nothing more needs to be said.
* the color pink
Easily accommodates every mood. From girly and sweet with pastels to the more exciting brighter shades, can even feel naughty when paired with something black.
* my dog
I adopted her off of craigslist. Such a cute but  hyper little thing.  She is half chihuahua  half Pomeranian.She can be very moody, like me so naturally we bonded instantly lol.
* ativan
Many days I could not have survived with out it. My happy pills.
*Memories
Because there are a lot of good ones.
*flip flops
So much fun, comfy, and cute.
*Short shorts
Because my legs are hot!
*sunshine
Summertime, adventures, plus people wear a lot less clothes lol
*laughter
You can never have enough its value is way under appreciated .
*Hugs and kisses and cuddling.
All the little reminders that you are loved.
*my IPhone
Even though It has no phone service currently, I am able to blog from anywhere.
*Mascara, Hair straightener, and chap stick.
A few things I could not live without.
Nike’s
My favorite only because  they are the cutest tennis shoes ever. 
Pixie Stix
For all the sugary goodness, and more reasons.. sorry folks I will be keeping those all to myself… Lol
Pepsi
It is my favorite soda, and from what I have been told… “It’s what crazy people drink” ** fitting in my circumstances lol

Thats enough for now. I will more than likely add more stuff as I remember it.

~Snaped~

I have been under so much stress these last few weeks. My husband and I both have been walking on egg shells around each other. There has been so much tension.
I finally snapped. I don’t know how I didn’t sooner. I have been frantically cleaning the house. I spend all day following everyone around picking up their messes. I don’t even give them the option to pick up after themselves. I can do it faster, and I can do it the way I expect it to be done. I can’t even stand a single piece of silverware left in the sink. Everything needs to be cleaned and put in its place.
I was going to go to my sisters and watch movies, but before I could leave my husband wanted me to fix diner. He insisted he was starving and apparently is no longer capable of cooking for himself. Whatever I really don’t mind doing the cooking. I make less of a mess anyways lol. So I did. I cooked him diner at 3 in the afternoon.
While my husband and kids ate diner I went to the store and spent 24 of the 30 dollars we had left on groceries.
When I got back the house was trashed. There was dirty dishes and crumbs everywhere. I was so irritated. I bust my ass all day picking up after them and nobody seems to give a shit. Before I had a chance to put all the groceries away my husband rudely asked if had spent all the money. I said “no we still have 6 dollars. Enough for a pack of smokes. “He said “oh great! It figures”. I just looked at him and asked “what is your problem”?
He said he wanted to buy a part for the car. I said ” oh ya! That’s way more important than the kids eating” then it just spiraled out of control. We were calling each other names, screaming at each other. Then he started talking about leaving. At this point I noticed that the trash was overflowing. I asked him three days ago to take it out. Plus right before going to the store I had asked him again and he said he would. That was the final straw. I told him he was arguing with me over buying food, and I have been exhausting myself cleaning up after everyone. That it’s bull shit Nobody can even rinse a fucking plate. Why am I the only one doing it all?
I grabbed the car keys, told him I was leaving and wouldn’t come back till the house was clean. I went to my sisters. After venting to her what was going on he texted her asking if i was there.
I decided I would text back pretending to be her. I told him I wasn’t there and asked if I should be worried. He said that we got in an argument over him not taking the trash out, he said he was being an asshole and wanted to say he was sorry but didn’t know where I was. I continued to let him think he was talking to my sister, and that I wasn’t there. I stayed at my sisters for a few hours I wanted to make him sweat. I know it’s fucked up but I was really mad. When I went home he was very apologetic and sweet. I had to tell him I was at my friends house because I’d he knew I was at my sisters and he was really texting me all night he probably wouldn’t be so nice.

~Routine and change~

  I can’t sleep probably because I was sleeping off and on all day today and yesterday and all week lol. Seems like I either sleep too much or hardly at all. I never seem to get the right amount of sleep.
  I feel like I’m on edge constantly. I have a much shorter fuse than usual. I have been getting angry a lot and stay that way for a lot longer. I don’t have patience at all. I have so many thoughts racing through my mind at all times I get mad when someone starts talking to me and I am unable to obsess on whatever it is I am obsessing about.
     I have unrealistic expectations of my kids and husband.I expect everything to be done the way I want it to be done, when I want it to be done. I feel like if I am not controlling everything and everyone things will start to fall apart. I feel like I can predict the outcome of a situation that I am not in control of and it never turns out good the way I see it. So its better for me to just take control and even do it myself if I want it done right.
    We are attempting a routine at home. Until now a routine was a foreign concept in our house.My husband and I have never been strict about bed time, or any other time for that matter. Our kids were aloud to do pretty much what they want as long as they were getting along.
   This new routine has a set time for everything and an allotted amount of time to do it in. What I mean by everything is…. there is a time to wake up,  get dressed, brush teeth, catch the bus, time to do homework, time to do chores, and a time to go to bed. I have even planed out what time we have meals and how long it should take to eat. I scheduled when the kids bathe, and even when they are able to have free time.

     Having more structure in our lives, a routine? I thought it was simple, and even kind of fun. I would make a list of when and what I wanted everyone to do. All they would be responsible for, is doing what I say. Since I am such a control freak, I loved the thought of getting my family to do what I wanted them to.
   Wrong!! What was I thinking. Its a lot harder to get people who have never had any structure or routine in their lives, Including myself, to commit to any kind of a schedule.  It was fine the first day but come day two everyone was bored with it. Even I have to admit I am not a fan of doing the same thing over and over again. It actually depresses me to know whats coming next.
 I’m not sure why but I like my life to be exciting. I want to let things just happen. I don’t want to know whats coming next.           ( probably my bi-polar self speaking lol ).
  Or maybe I have been living in such chaos for so long, its all I’m used to. Its all I know. Do I actual find comfort in this chaotic, unorganized, way of living???? Yeah.I think I do….  I’m sure that’s been the majority of my problems for a while now lol. I actually have a habit of creating drama or chaos or whatever you want to call it when life is running smoothly.
    I don’t know anymore everything is changing, changing for the better, I know, But its still overwhelming. I’m getting a lot of support from places I didn’t even know existed. I guess its the whole way everything happened that freaks me out. I wasn’t in control. Everything is not going to be as chaotic as I have grown accustomed to.
   I have learned a few things about myself too. I guess what I am trying to say is I need to grow up a little lol. Learn to let things go, and just appreciate all the positive stuff that’s happening.
     This change is not all bad. I do like my kids sleeping in their own rooms and having a regular bedtime. So at the very least I can stick to that but as far as the rest of the schedule goes.. Who knows? My guess is we wont be following it completely, but then again I have been wrong before and I need to stop trying to be in control of everything and everyone. Plus I know I cant accurately predict the outcome of any situation lol

~Scared~

So much stuff has been going on in my life, I have not made any effort to write. I keep telling myself I will as soon as things calm down, but since that dosnt look like its going to happen any time soon I’m forcing myself to write now. First off we are not moving. We wee unable to find a place willing to rent to us, but the real reason is we no longer have the money to move. Subconsciously I think I knew something would happen because I didn’t look as hard as I could have. I don’t give up easily if I’m after something I want, I gave up looking for a place.
The whole story is we got our taxes back paid some past due bills and decided that we would use what was left to move on. That required us to stiff our current landlord the money we owed him and left us no money to give my dads, even though we promised to pay them back out of our taxes. We owe them over $ 6000.
On the 2nd of this month my husband woke me up saying someone was at the door wanting to talk to me. Half asleep I stumble to the door to find a professionally dressed lady with a clipboard. Since my kids were home from school my first reaction was great it’s a truancy officer again. My kids have already missed the max amount of days this year. This year has been unbelievably hard on everyone. We have already been warned they can’t miss anymore days or we will have to pay a fine.
I was thinking what excuse can I come up with to justify them not being in school. I couldn’t tell her the alarm clock went off and I wouldn’t get out of bed or wake my husband and my husband was pretty burnt out from getting the kids up and ready for school by himself all year, he slept through the alarm.
It wasn’t a truancy officer. She introduced herself and told me she worked for child protective services and they had received a complaint. I couldn’t believe it. I wished it was a truancy officer instead. I was in shock and didn’t hear everything she said. I do remember her saying that the complaints were: my kids have no clothes, no food, that they have to go to the neighbors to eat, and the house is trashed, and that my husband and I are on drugs.
She asked if she could see the inside of our place. So many thoughts were racing through my head, I didn’t want to let her in because my house was trashed. I was thinking if she sees the mess she’s going to think the rest of the complaints are true too, but if I didn’t let her in she might think I’m hiding something worse. Then I thought its always better to cooperate and tell the truth right. I let her in. After she walked through she said she could tell the majority of the complaints were
untrue, but the place defiantly needed cleaned.
She asked if we use drugs I told her we did in the past but that’s not an issue now. She said she didn’t think that it was but she has to follow up on all the complaints. She asked what was going on, and how the house got out of control. We told her that my husband lost his job in December and we both have been depressed. I was the one who cleaned while my husband was working, but since he lost his job it has taken every ounce of energy in me just to get through the day. All I can do is the bare minimum. I washed only thed the dishes I needed to use for whatever meal I was making. Garbage just piled up because nobody wanted to take it out. I only did enough laundry to get through the school week, usually washing the same clothes for next week because I couldn’t get myself to dig through the piles of dirty clothes to pick out something different.
We were well aware of the house needing cleaned. The problem was there was so much that needed to be done. We didn’t know where to begin. It was extremely overwhelming.
I remember when she was talking to me and explaining what would happen next, my 5 year old son came and sat in my lap. I zoned out and started thinking this lady has the ability to take my children from me. I immediately started crying. What would I do if she decided to take my kids? I started thinking they would physically have to rip them out of my arms. I would hurt someone, I would go crazy and attack like a wild animal. I wouldn’t let anyone take my babies from me!
Thank god that’s nothing I have to worry about. This whole experience, as scary as it was at first, has been a very positive thing for our family. Since my husband lost his job we have been on state assistance. The only income we have is the $729.00 a month they think a family of 5 can survive on. Our rent is 750.00 so how are we supposed to survive? They told my husband they don’t want him looking for work until I am stable or “feeling better”. They said he’s needed at home.
That’s why we were trying to move. We needed a more affordable place to live. Well since CPs has been involved, they paid the part of our rent we were short, they are going to get us garbage service and pay for it plus they are trying to raise the amount of assistance we get every month, considering it doesn’t cover our expenses. They are also helping me fight for disability benefits.
We agreed to participate in a voluntary service where a child counselor comes to our house twice a week for six weeks and helps us work out whatever issues our family struggles with. We are on our third week and already seeing results.
Thanks to this service my daughter sleeps in her own bed. My kids have been doing chores, and there is an all over smoother feeling to our lives.

~ My daughter from pink lip gloss to green eye shadow~

I don’t know why but my daughter gets under my skin so easily. I think my mother cursed me. She always told me “one of these days you will have a daughter just like you” Thanks mom.
She has always been very dramatic. The fact that we fight now and she is only 8 scares me. What the hell am I supposed to do when she’s a teenager? She gets mad and her voice gets all loud and whiney. I tell her to stop whining and she just gets louder and whinier. It immediately puts me in a bad mood and I loose all patience for her.
She has told me I am ruining her life. She slams her bedroom door, stomps her feet, rolls her eyes and glares at me. My husband is constantly having to intervene. She doesn’t act that way for him as often. He says we fight like we are sisters.
Every morning getting her up and ready for school is disastrous. It’s always something. She is always the last one up. Sometimes i have to literally drag her out of bed. It doesn’t matter how much sleep she gets. She takes twice as long as her brothers to get dressed.
My husband walks them to the bus stop every morning, and they have missed the bus several times waiting on her. I have even gotten her up earlier and it’s like she waits till the last minute to finish getting ready in purpose. Today we had it out over her hair. I simply asked her to brush it. She screeched “I diiiid mom” if she did she didn’t do a good job. It was all messy and sticking up in the back. I said ” are you sure? Go look in the mirror and tell me if that’s how you want to wear your hair to school” she told me “no” and gave me a dirty look. I said ” not looking isn’t going to fix your hair” so she stomped off to the bathroom and fixed her hair. Then asked if she could put on some pink lip gloss. I said sure.
I don’t understand why everything has to be such an ordeal with her. When she got home from school she had on blue eye shadow smeared all the way to her eyebrows, and bright red lipstick. It was so bad. I couldn’t help but tell her she looked like a clown. My husband asked her where she got the makeup and she tried telling him she did it thus morning before school. Um no. He walked her to the bus all she had on was pink lip gloss. She snuck the makeup to school and put it on there. She thinks it looks fantastic. I can’t believe she has had that on her face all day. It looks so ridiculous.

  • Simply Me

  • *********f you like what you see, don't just read it follow along too*********

    Join 96 other followers

  • Free SEO Tools

  • Active Search Results
  • Whats Popular