~Scared~

So much stuff has been going on in my life, I have not made any effort to write. I keep telling myself I will as soon as things calm down, but since that dosnt look like its going to happen any time soon I’m forcing myself to write now. First off we are not moving. We wee unable to find a place willing to rent to us, but the real reason is we no longer have the money to move. Subconsciously I think I knew something would happen because I didn’t look as hard as I could have. I don’t give up easily if I’m after something I want, I gave up looking for a place.
The whole story is we got our taxes back paid some past due bills and decided that we would use what was left to move on. That required us to stiff our current landlord the money we owed him and left us no money to give my dads, even though we promised to pay them back out of our taxes. We owe them over $ 6000.
On the 2nd of this month my husband woke me up saying someone was at the door wanting to talk to me. Half asleep I stumble to the door to find a professionally dressed lady with a clipboard. Since my kids were home from school my first reaction was great it’s a truancy officer again. My kids have already missed the max amount of days this year. This year has been unbelievably hard on everyone. We have already been warned they can’t miss anymore days or we will have to pay a fine.
I was thinking what excuse can I come up with to justify them not being in school. I couldn’t tell her the alarm clock went off and I wouldn’t get out of bed or wake my husband and my husband was pretty burnt out from getting the kids up and ready for school by himself all year, he slept through the alarm.
It wasn’t a truancy officer. She introduced herself and told me she worked for child protective services and they had received a complaint. I couldn’t believe it. I wished it was a truancy officer instead. I was in shock and didn’t hear everything she said. I do remember her saying that the complaints were: my kids have no clothes, no food, that they have to go to the neighbors to eat, and the house is trashed, and that my husband and I are on drugs.
She asked if she could see the inside of our place. So many thoughts were racing through my head, I didn’t want to let her in because my house was trashed. I was thinking if she sees the mess she’s going to think the rest of the complaints are true too, but if I didn’t let her in she might think I’m hiding something worse. Then I thought its always better to cooperate and tell the truth right. I let her in. After she walked through she said she could tell the majority of the complaints were
untrue, but the place defiantly needed cleaned.
She asked if we use drugs I told her we did in the past but that’s not an issue now. She said she didn’t think that it was but she has to follow up on all the complaints. She asked what was going on, and how the house got out of control. We told her that my husband lost his job in December and we both have been depressed. I was the one who cleaned while my husband was working, but since he lost his job it has taken every ounce of energy in me just to get through the day. All I can do is the bare minimum. I washed only thed the dishes I needed to use for whatever meal I was making. Garbage just piled up because nobody wanted to take it out. I only did enough laundry to get through the school week, usually washing the same clothes for next week because I couldn’t get myself to dig through the piles of dirty clothes to pick out something different.
We were well aware of the house needing cleaned. The problem was there was so much that needed to be done. We didn’t know where to begin. It was extremely overwhelming.
I remember when she was talking to me and explaining what would happen next, my 5 year old son came and sat in my lap. I zoned out and started thinking this lady has the ability to take my children from me. I immediately started crying. What would I do if she decided to take my kids? I started thinking they would physically have to rip them out of my arms. I would hurt someone, I would go crazy and attack like a wild animal. I wouldn’t let anyone take my babies from me!
Thank god that’s nothing I have to worry about. This whole experience, as scary as it was at first, has been a very positive thing for our family. Since my husband lost his job we have been on state assistance. The only income we have is the $729.00 a month they think a family of 5 can survive on. Our rent is 750.00 so how are we supposed to survive? They told my husband they don’t want him looking for work until I am stable or “feeling better”. They said he’s needed at home.
That’s why we were trying to move. We needed a more affordable place to live. Well since CPs has been involved, they paid the part of our rent we were short, they are going to get us garbage service and pay for it plus they are trying to raise the amount of assistance we get every month, considering it doesn’t cover our expenses. They are also helping me fight for disability benefits.
We agreed to participate in a voluntary service where a child counselor comes to our house twice a week for six weeks and helps us work out whatever issues our family struggles with. We are on our third week and already seeing results.
Thanks to this service my daughter sleeps in her own bed. My kids have been doing chores, and there is an all over smoother feeling to our lives.

~Trailer trash and welfare~

Life is pretty good at crapping on me. My husband lost his job in December, about a week or so shy of Christmas. As if loosing our only source of income wasn’t bad enough, throw in all the guilt being broke on Christmas (the one holiday my mom always made a big deal about. as a kid it was the only holiday worth celebrating) gives you. I unknowingly passed the ridiculous value of Christmas on to my kids.
   Talk about feeling like a piece of shit. We have always managed to pull of a decent celebration. This year we were at the mercy of others. Toys for tots presents and a holiday food box from their school. Pretty Lame. In the past w`e have never had a lot of money, but we were still able to get the kids something they asked for. I know people are thinking “its not supposed to be about the presents” I call bullshit its always been about the presents. Especially when your a kid. For months you see nothing but advertisements and hear your friends talk about what they are getting. They still write letters to Santa even though they know there is no Santa. Shit I almost wrote a letter too.
    My kids have put up with a lot. Having this illness, I am not the typical PTA mom. On my bad days I have no involvement with their school. My husband picks up the slack where he can. Doing it all,all the time is tough for anyone. They don’t play sports or have any extra activities, they don’t even go to many birthday party’s and they never invite their friends from school to theirs. All because I would have to follow through They deserve whatever makes them happy. Even if its in the superficial form of Christmas presents.
   Since we have no money coming in, once again we have to barrow rent money and electric money and whatever money from my dads. Just until we were able to get on state assistance. Its disgusting the amount of money we have needed over the years. They are amazing and help us out a lot. It just sucks that once again we   are drowning in debt.
  State assistance is a joke. Yeah they give us a lot of money for food, but the cash portion for a family of five is $728.00. We will have food money but nowhere to cook it lol. Our rent is $775.00, plus utilities. We have to move. Our landlord has been pretty understanding and knows we are going to get a tax refund, so hes OK. I was supposed to pay my dads off but that isn’t going to happen. I still have to talk to them, but I think they already kinda know. We are getting about $5000.00 back and owe them well over $6000.00. We have to pay our landlord and move into a cheaper place.
  My husband has wanted to move back to Portland for a long time. Thats where his family is. I am ok with it because my dads are there and the only reason we moved here in the first place was because my mom was dyeing. She died in 2007. We stayed because my sister and I needed each other. Loosing our mom was rough for both of us. We became “unhealthily” close/dependent on each other. We never lived more than a block apart, worked at the same places, even spent all our off time on the phone or hanging out.
  All of that has changed. Since the stuff with her husband happened, we are deffinatly not as close as we used to be. We go weeks without even talking on the phone. I think it was easier for her to blame me for everything, than it was to hold him accountable, because him being responsible for what happened meant her family would fall apart. Blaming me aloud her to hold on to her family and pretend they are a normal happy couple again. She actually told me she feels like I had more to do with her husband feeling the way he did. Like somehow I lead him on. So whatever. I am ready to leave, and leave all these bad memories behind.
 Not running to my sister for everything has aloud my husband and I to become a lot closer. Our relationship is so much stronger than it used to be. This move could be a really good thing. A way for my family to start over.
     The not so exciting stuff is realistically we need to be able to survive on $728.00 a month. Its the only income we have. Jobs are scarce for everyone. My husband has never had an easy time finding a job.So this means a trailer. Trailer parks rent spaces for as little as $299.00 a month including utilities. I hate the idea of living in a trailer, but I hate the thought of having nowhere to live more. To me trailers represent failure. I see nothing nice about trailer parks. I have talked so much shit about the kind of people that live in them.When my life has sucked before I actually said ” at least I don’t live in a trailer” Like some how it could always be worse. Living in a trailer represented that worse. Kinda funny. Look at me now I am one of those white trash welfare moms about to move into a trailer that I have talked so much shit about.  FML

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