Overloaded

Cabo Home

Cabo Home (Photo credit: FreeCat)

I have had too much time to think today. My mind is overloaded with memories of what I didn’t do. All the empty promises. So many regrets. My head is pounding. I have so many regrets and am trying as hard as I fucking can to get my life back. I miss getting woken up by my kids. I took so much for granted while they were with me I just want another chance to be the mom they deserve to have. I cant imagine life without them. They are the reason i am able to get up and keep moving. They give me strength.

 

I managed to push my dad away. One of the things i have always been good at is pushing people away. I miss being able to talk to him he was one of the few people who could understand me. I hate myself and what i have done to my family. i don”

 

t know if i can fix this and I’m scared.

 

I don’t want to continue to hurt or continue to hurt others. From what i hear recovery is a process and i am headed in the right direction. I am going to make mistakes along the way no body is perfect, i just cant give up and need to stay focused. i am doing this because to me the most important thing in the world is my children. I don’t want to miss out on seeing them grow up. i want to be a part of everything.

 

~Reflections and Reality no room for Regrets~

Reflection in water

Reflection in water Photo credit: Wikipedia

When your reality is ripped away by a trauma of some kind, I think it’s a pretty natural reaction to question everything. Questioning the choices you have made, or didn’t make. Questioning the things you have done or didn’t do. Questioning all the people in your life from the past to all of your current friends and family. Your purpose and reason for living become questionable. You try to look for a way it could have been prevented. You just want a reason for life to make since again.
I have been thinking alot about all the choices I have made, and the choices that were made for me. I’m trying to remember, if or when it started to get bad. Was there a specific point in my life maybe even just one choice that could have prevented this outcome if it was done differently?
Looking back, I realize that I have made a lot of poor choices. I started remembering some things I completely forgot about, maybe even intentionally forgot about.
I know ultimately I am responsible for where I am in my life. I continuously go from blaming myself, to looking for the slightest reason I can pin the fault on someone else. I think about removing myself from people’s lives to prevent any more pain. Then I get so mad at everyone. I hate that this is happening to my family and not to someone else’s.
I have never done anything bad enough to deserve this, neither has my husband or kids. I can name quite a few people who would deserve it. Yet I’m the one life chooses to puke on.
I really believed that if life ever got bad, i have enough friends and family that would pitch in and help. I believed that nobody would just stand by watching my life disintegrate, especially when they are more than capable of helping to prevent it. Idk. it might have something to do with the fact that any time my husband hears of someone struggling, and we have the means to help, we do. No hesitations. My husband will give up his last 5$ to help someone out. Over the years we have had so many different people stay with us “until they get on their feet” that i’ve actually lost count. Everyone knows that if they need it our doors are always open.
My husband is too nice to people. He has even told me “It’s good karma, if we ever need help people will be there to return the favor” He is way too trusting. He believes that everyone is ultimately good. Um… Yeah right…
To everyone we know especially to the ones we have helped: If I am wrong where are you hiding?? Do you feel remorse? Guilt ?? Or do you even care at all? Nope. of course not. Not one single fucking person.
We are drowning. You have the ability to help and choose to stand by and watch us struggle. Do you remember you might not be doing so well if we didn’t help you???
I feel like telling everyone if they let this happen, I will never forget that they were not here when we needed them the most. But I’m not sure it would make a difference to anyone. I don’t think they give a shit if they have us in their lives or not.
To think people still question why I would say that I hate people, and why I don’t socialize more. I don’t socialize because throughout life people never miss the chance to show how selfish they are. They are never satisfied and constantly wanting more. Nothing is ever enough for them. Its always Take. Take. Take. They never stop fighting to be the one on top. People won’t blink twice about stabbing you in the back if it will benefit them, or make them look better in comparison. In fact some people will deliberately fuck you over just for fun.
While reflecting back on I started thinking about different things that have happened in my life. Some good times and some bad times. I also started remembering different people that have been in and out of my life. Some of the people I only knew for a short time were the most influential people in my life. Some how they managed to impact me the most. I have met some pretty amazing people. I have been pretty fortunate, I have received many blessings and had a lot of good stuff in my life. I would never want those experiences to be different.

Someone once told me that every experience you have had, every choice you have made, has brought you to where you are today. The good and the bad. It is why, you are who you are, today so you should have no regrets.

So we will be ok. How ever this turns out. My family is still my family so I think I’m still pretty damn fortunate.

~Snaped~

I have been under so much stress these last few weeks. My husband and I both have been walking on egg shells around each other. There has been so much tension.
I finally snapped. I don’t know how I didn’t sooner. I have been frantically cleaning the house. I spend all day following everyone around picking up their messes. I don’t even give them the option to pick up after themselves. I can do it faster, and I can do it the way I expect it to be done. I can’t even stand a single piece of silverware left in the sink. Everything needs to be cleaned and put in its place.
I was going to go to my sisters and watch movies, but before I could leave my husband wanted me to fix diner. He insisted he was starving and apparently is no longer capable of cooking for himself. Whatever I really don’t mind doing the cooking. I make less of a mess anyways lol. So I did. I cooked him diner at 3 in the afternoon.
While my husband and kids ate diner I went to the store and spent 24 of the 30 dollars we had left on groceries.
When I got back the house was trashed. There was dirty dishes and crumbs everywhere. I was so irritated. I bust my ass all day picking up after them and nobody seems to give a shit. Before I had a chance to put all the groceries away my husband rudely asked if had spent all the money. I said “no we still have 6 dollars. Enough for a pack of smokes. “He said “oh great! It figures”. I just looked at him and asked “what is your problem”?
He said he wanted to buy a part for the car. I said ” oh ya! That’s way more important than the kids eating” then it just spiraled out of control. We were calling each other names, screaming at each other. Then he started talking about leaving. At this point I noticed that the trash was overflowing. I asked him three days ago to take it out. Plus right before going to the store I had asked him again and he said he would. That was the final straw. I told him he was arguing with me over buying food, and I have been exhausting myself cleaning up after everyone. That it’s bull shit Nobody can even rinse a fucking plate. Why am I the only one doing it all?
I grabbed the car keys, told him I was leaving and wouldn’t come back till the house was clean. I went to my sisters. After venting to her what was going on he texted her asking if i was there.
I decided I would text back pretending to be her. I told him I wasn’t there and asked if I should be worried. He said that we got in an argument over him not taking the trash out, he said he was being an asshole and wanted to say he was sorry but didn’t know where I was. I continued to let him think he was talking to my sister, and that I wasn’t there. I stayed at my sisters for a few hours I wanted to make him sweat. I know it’s fucked up but I was really mad. When I went home he was very apologetic and sweet. I had to tell him I was at my friends house because I’d he knew I was at my sisters and he was really texting me all night he probably wouldn’t be so nice.

~Routine and change~

  I can’t sleep probably because I was sleeping off and on all day today and yesterday and all week lol. Seems like I either sleep too much or hardly at all. I never seem to get the right amount of sleep.
  I feel like I’m on edge constantly. I have a much shorter fuse than usual. I have been getting angry a lot and stay that way for a lot longer. I don’t have patience at all. I have so many thoughts racing through my mind at all times I get mad when someone starts talking to me and I am unable to obsess on whatever it is I am obsessing about.
     I have unrealistic expectations of my kids and husband.I expect everything to be done the way I want it to be done, when I want it to be done. I feel like if I am not controlling everything and everyone things will start to fall apart. I feel like I can predict the outcome of a situation that I am not in control of and it never turns out good the way I see it. So its better for me to just take control and even do it myself if I want it done right.
    We are attempting a routine at home. Until now a routine was a foreign concept in our house.My husband and I have never been strict about bed time, or any other time for that matter. Our kids were aloud to do pretty much what they want as long as they were getting along.
   This new routine has a set time for everything and an allotted amount of time to do it in. What I mean by everything is…. there is a time to wake up,  get dressed, brush teeth, catch the bus, time to do homework, time to do chores, and a time to go to bed. I have even planed out what time we have meals and how long it should take to eat. I scheduled when the kids bathe, and even when they are able to have free time.

     Having more structure in our lives, a routine? I thought it was simple, and even kind of fun. I would make a list of when and what I wanted everyone to do. All they would be responsible for, is doing what I say. Since I am such a control freak, I loved the thought of getting my family to do what I wanted them to.
   Wrong!! What was I thinking. Its a lot harder to get people who have never had any structure or routine in their lives, Including myself, to commit to any kind of a schedule.  It was fine the first day but come day two everyone was bored with it. Even I have to admit I am not a fan of doing the same thing over and over again. It actually depresses me to know whats coming next.
 I’m not sure why but I like my life to be exciting. I want to let things just happen. I don’t want to know whats coming next.           ( probably my bi-polar self speaking lol ).
  Or maybe I have been living in such chaos for so long, its all I’m used to. Its all I know. Do I actual find comfort in this chaotic, unorganized, way of living???? Yeah.I think I do….  I’m sure that’s been the majority of my problems for a while now lol. I actually have a habit of creating drama or chaos or whatever you want to call it when life is running smoothly.
    I don’t know anymore everything is changing, changing for the better, I know, But its still overwhelming. I’m getting a lot of support from places I didn’t even know existed. I guess its the whole way everything happened that freaks me out. I wasn’t in control. Everything is not going to be as chaotic as I have grown accustomed to.
   I have learned a few things about myself too. I guess what I am trying to say is I need to grow up a little lol. Learn to let things go, and just appreciate all the positive stuff that’s happening.
     This change is not all bad. I do like my kids sleeping in their own rooms and having a regular bedtime. So at the very least I can stick to that but as far as the rest of the schedule goes.. Who knows? My guess is we wont be following it completely, but then again I have been wrong before and I need to stop trying to be in control of everything and everyone. Plus I know I cant accurately predict the outcome of any situation lol

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