~Just because~

Posting because its been a while since I posted something. I am pretty bummed out lately. Over all life is pretty damn sucky. I missed my appointment with my psychiatrist to re evaluate my medications. That was the 3rd no call no show appointment so they sent me a letter saying he will no longer see me as a patient. At first I didn’t care because we are moving to Portland and I will have to get a new doctor anyways. Plus my meds are working and I have plenty of them. Well now I am not so sure. I really liked him and have a hard time finding a doctor I like. I don’t know what I’m supposed to do now. I’m so stressed out. I am not looking forward to doctor shopping. I really should have gone to that appointment. I don’t think we are moving. I have been looking for places constantly. It’s either out of our price range or we don’t qualify so I think we might be stuck here. I have not talked to my dads or sister in a while. I’m not intentionally avoiding them it just seems to be how it happens. I am pretty good at pushing people away and even better at isolating myself.

~ Ativan, Norco, Marijuana, and trailers?? WTF~

So i am trying to find a place in Portland. Having evictions and bad credit and a very limited income has not made it easy lol. So we decided the most realistic thing would be a trailer. I have no car at the moment. When shitty things happen to me (like my husband loosing his job) its never just one thing. It’s almost impossible to rent s place without seeing it, and I feel like times running out and I need to find a place.
So my sister was going to take her 2 boys to Portland overnight to visit our dads. I tagged along bringing my youngest boy. The car ride there was horrible the boys fought and screamed to the point I had a migraine by the time we got to Portland. Thank god for Norco and Ativan.
Soon after we got there I was ready to go home. I love my dads. I love spending time with them. The kids love “grandpa” and “papa” but there house is not kid friendly. They have a lot of nice shit so it’s kinda scary having the kids run wild. Plus my dad is using medical marijuana so it’s hard to be around him sometimes when he’s stoned. It’s just weird. I remember being 16 getting in the car my dad smelled weed on me and freaked out making me tell him where I got it from. Then he went to that boys house and told him never to sell weed to his daughter again. Needless to say the boy never even talked to me again. So now my dads smoking weed? Whatever. I get it has medicinal purposes and for him it does but it’s still strange.
My husbands cousin was supposed to meet up with me and take me to some trailer park where he knows the maintenance guy. He was hoping he could pull some strings and vouch that we are good people. Well it didn’t happen, my husbands family isn’t always punctual. I was only going to be in town for one day so my sister and I just drive over and looked for ourselves. I was surprised it wasn’t that bad. No furniture in the yard. No guys in wife beaters missing teeth. I expected the worst. I mean its a trailer park after all. It actually looked homey, and this was a “mobile home community” not a trailer park. I didn’t realize there was a difference. Lol
Every time I visit my dad he finds some time to lecture me about something. It never fails. He never sees it as lecturing though. Oh no, its just good old parental advice, maybe just a talk or a tip. No matter how he wants to disguise it, its a lecture.
Usually it’s not bad and I can see his point or end up agreeing with him anyways. This time it wasn’t like that. I didn’t agree. My irritation continued until I got home ending with a fuck u text from me and DONE from him.
He always points out how sick he is it feels like he is trying to guilt me or make me feel worse. Some how I’m responsible for making his sickness worse I don’t know. I don’t understand why it necessary to point out being sick every time we have an upsetting conversation.
First off my sister was there and when ever my sister is around I don’t really try to talk to him. There’s no point. He’s so wrapped up in whatever she’s doing you cant get a word in. I stopped trying. I think part of him feels guilty for not having a closer relationship with her when she was younger. Maybe he’s overcompensating for lost time.
Lately he has his head so far up her ass she can do no wrong. I Was really offended by some of the comments he made to me.
My sisters husband called my sister while we were at dads, telling her that his brother had another break down he asked her not to tell anyone all the details because he doesn’t want people to think that’s going to happen to him too. I told my sister if he really doesn’t want people to think that then maybe he should go to counseling and get some meds. I was pointing out that we don’t think he’s crazy because of his brother, we think he’s crazy because he’s crazy. Scary crazy without treatment.
She got all defensive and said maybe u should go to counseling. I said I do. She said its a problem for her marriage. If thats how she wants it then she shouldn’t bring it up around me, that situation was very traumatic for me. I will always have an opinion that is valid. I was traumatized by him, it’s not something I can just forget. She said well I can’t make him it’s something he has to do for himself. Which I agree with. But if it really concerned him, he would be doing everything he could to better himself.
You don’t freak out the way he did and then all of a sudden your ok for the rest of your life. He’s Fucking nuts. I know because I’m crazy too. But his crazy is scary crazy it fucked up everyone’s life. I lost my home and my relationship thanks to his version of crazy.
One of the things my dad said was he thinks my sister has handled the whole situation well. I said i don’t. He got all mad and said i was delusional about the whole situation. I told him i had my experience, i lived in it i am entitled to feel the way i feel about it. That didn’t go over too well.
My dad has to be right and try to conform you to his side if you disagree. He thinks he has all the information, he’s so much wiser from life experiences. That would be true if he lived down here seen everything and actually had all the information.
You know whats funny is before he felt the need to kiss my sisters ass he told me that i was a victim in that situation. That her husband destroyed people, and that he could forgive my husband before ever forgiving my sisters.
Now his opinion has changed. He’s all accepting of my sisters choices and marriage and back to hating my husband. Well my opinion hasn’t changes and wont until he gets on meds. Its such a big fucking deal for me do be on meds. Well it should be a bigger fucking deal for him.
Oh then my dad said maybe having a job would help him. Sorry dad working doesn’t prevent crazy either.
My dad lives 2 hours away and only knows what we tell him and it’s usually over the phone. I guarantee it’s not everything either. My sister claimed she didn’t leave him because ” he was sick and you just don’t leave someone just because they are sick”.
Bitch ass excuse as far as I’m concerned. She did leave him. You get treatment for your family to come back. Her taking him back has enabled him to not get treatment. Why should he? Its not fun. He has no incentive now.
She cried for weeks about how she doesn’t know how to date, she’s fat, who’s gonna want her. Then she started going and seeing her husband for the day here and there. She just got scared and took him back because she is afraid she would end up alone with two kids.
When someone damages that many people and doesn’t get help, leaving them should be the only option. She just recently started leaving her kids with him again. He scared her too, she doesn’t know what he is capable of. Who knows when he’s gonna snap again. He’s got a pretty thick family history of crazy along with his own version of nuts. It’s only a matter of time.
Everyone that believes he is ok is fucking stupid. I think I might post the emails he sent me so everyone can see why I feel the way I feel.

~My sister~

My sister came over today. She brought her boys, and all the kids played. It was a lot of fun. She says she is not OK with me moving which I kind of expected to be her reaction. She has to be organized, has to plan stuff out. She actually gets frazzled if she has something planed out and it doesn’t go exactly like its supposed to. I, on the other hand, am the complete opposite. I am more spontaneous, and rarely plan stuff out. I am very disorganized and constantly do spur of the moment shit.The fact that I have to be out of my place by the end of the month and haven’t found a place to move into yet is driving her nuts.
Honestly I think the change is scary for her. She says its because she is having some pretty scary health stuff and she needs me. I told her we hardly see each other as is. We have been leaning on each other when we should have been leaning on our spouses. I don’t even think its a bad thing. Our relationship changed, it evolved. I think we just grew up a little. We don’t need each other as much as we used to.
I talked to my dad on the phone for a while today. He is pretty bummed about what has happened between me and my sister. Its hard for him to see us go from being that close to what we are now. He started talking about when hes not around and said something like “you want your kids to be able to take care of each other”. The thing is we will, and we know that if it came down to it  we will always be there for each other. Right now I need to focus more on my life, my family and getting myself healthy. She needs to do the same. I bet we spend more time on the phone, and probably even visiting each other after I move.

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