~ How pathetic I have become ~

 25042012-000043  I am seriously fucking pathetic…………….

I WANT TO RUNAWAY….

I WANT TO HIDE FROM IT ALL……..

What happened to me? I used to be stronger why am I accepting this? Is this love? I am scared to death of being without him. When he holds me I feel loved, I feel protected. He says he loves me and I want to believe him because the though of him not loving me hurts too much. I swore if he did it again I would press charges. I would leave. I didn’t. Why? because he said he was sorry and he loved me and that he’s willing to get help. He’s agreed to go to anger management and counseling. I want to believe him too. It started because I have been sleeping all day,  I am pretty depressed no major reasons it just happens . He can’t understand it, he tries but just can’t. He told me to wake up and do something if I can’t then he said I needed to leave. I said fine I will leave, and asked him to give me my phone so I could text someone to come get me. He said ” fuck your phone” and threw it then proceeded to bust the screen. So I grabbed his tablet ( like an iPad) and ran it under water then threw it on the ground. Then he grabbed me by my neck and slammed my head into the kitchen cabinet, then knocked me on the floor. He then started yelling at me saying this was all my fault that I had caused this.  I sent the kids to the neighbor’s house and he took off. I was shaken up real bad, in complete shock. I didn’t want to believe any of this had just happened. It’s not him. What happened to my super loving supportive husband? What happened to the man I married” As much as I didn’t want to believe what had just happened, I couldn’t. It did. I knew I had to call the cops so I called. They came out took a report and recommended I press charges and get a restraining order first thing in the morning. I agreed. They also said if he comes back don’t argue call 911 ASAP. I promised I would. I called my sister had her come over for some support, she seemed kinda irritated because I have called her to come rescue me several times in the past and nothing ever comes from it. I don’t follow through. Not even an hour after the cops left he was back. He said he came back to turn himself in. He said he was sorry and that he knew he fucked up. We kinda started getting into it outside. He said it was a long time coming, but he shouldn’t have done it. I said ya u did fuck up and you fucked up in front of the kids. Some father you are. Looks like you wont be getting father of the year anytime soon.pretty sure the neighbors heard it they were all standing out side being their normal nosy selves. Then he tried to go upstairs to our apartment so I ran ahead of him and locked the door. The kitchen window was open so he told me fine if that’s the way you want it to be, and I go to jail because of you I will have you killed. He said he would make sure that he let the cops know I was unstable. and have been in the hospital twice. He said I would lose. He also said he would tell the cops I assaulted him first and press charges against me. Even though I didn’t touch him. Whatever scratches he has happened when he attacked me, but since he did have marks I was scared they might believe him. So what do I do? I told him I loved him and never want anything bad to happen to us. I said I want you and our kids. That is all I care about. He said if you really love me don’t press charges. Then he said I have the power to stop this, all I have to do is drop the charges so he  doesnt go to jail and he would go to counseling and anger management. He said he knew he needed help and he’s pretty sure its the alcohol that gets him so angry so he said he would get help with that too. So I told him if he promises to get help I wont press charges. I called 911 to tell them not to send the cops back I wouldn’t press charges. It was too late they were here. They cuffed him and told me to wait upstairs. Then the same officer that took the report came up and talked to me. He said he can’t force me to press charges but he sees this a thousand times. Once a guy puts his hands on a woman he will do it again. I told the officer he agreed to get help and since we have kids together I think I should give him that chance. He said if it goes to court it would be mandatory for him to get help. I said well he has agreed to go so I don’t feel its necessary to go to court. In a very polite and professional manner he pretty much told me I was stupid, and he’s probably right I would tell someone else the same thing. I’m really that afraid of everything.I’m really that afraid of being alone that. I’m willing to believe he can be that one in a million, that will change with some help. I really need some help too! I am so mad at myself. I can’t believe I have such low self-esteem that I really believe this is Ok. That maybe I even deserve it because of all the bad choices I have made· maybe this is my Karma. I have caused so much pain for other people is it now my turn to suffer…..

~Reflections and Reality no room for Regrets~

Reflection in water

Reflection in water Photo credit: Wikipedia

When your reality is ripped away by a trauma of some kind, I think it’s a pretty natural reaction to question everything. Questioning the choices you have made, or didn’t make. Questioning the things you have done or didn’t do. Questioning all the people in your life from the past to all of your current friends and family. Your purpose and reason for living become questionable. You try to look for a way it could have been prevented. You just want a reason for life to make since again.
I have been thinking alot about all the choices I have made, and the choices that were made for me. I’m trying to remember, if or when it started to get bad. Was there a specific point in my life maybe even just one choice that could have prevented this outcome if it was done differently?
Looking back, I realize that I have made a lot of poor choices. I started remembering some things I completely forgot about, maybe even intentionally forgot about.
I know ultimately I am responsible for where I am in my life. I continuously go from blaming myself, to looking for the slightest reason I can pin the fault on someone else. I think about removing myself from people’s lives to prevent any more pain. Then I get so mad at everyone. I hate that this is happening to my family and not to someone else’s.
I have never done anything bad enough to deserve this, neither has my husband or kids. I can name quite a few people who would deserve it. Yet I’m the one life chooses to puke on.
I really believed that if life ever got bad, i have enough friends and family that would pitch in and help. I believed that nobody would just stand by watching my life disintegrate, especially when they are more than capable of helping to prevent it. Idk. it might have something to do with the fact that any time my husband hears of someone struggling, and we have the means to help, we do. No hesitations. My husband will give up his last 5$ to help someone out. Over the years we have had so many different people stay with us “until they get on their feet” that i’ve actually lost count. Everyone knows that if they need it our doors are always open.
My husband is too nice to people. He has even told me “It’s good karma, if we ever need help people will be there to return the favor” He is way too trusting. He believes that everyone is ultimately good. Um… Yeah right…
To everyone we know especially to the ones we have helped: If I am wrong where are you hiding?? Do you feel remorse? Guilt ?? Or do you even care at all? Nope. of course not. Not one single fucking person.
We are drowning. You have the ability to help and choose to stand by and watch us struggle. Do you remember you might not be doing so well if we didn’t help you???
I feel like telling everyone if they let this happen, I will never forget that they were not here when we needed them the most. But I’m not sure it would make a difference to anyone. I don’t think they give a shit if they have us in their lives or not.
To think people still question why I would say that I hate people, and why I don’t socialize more. I don’t socialize because throughout life people never miss the chance to show how selfish they are. They are never satisfied and constantly wanting more. Nothing is ever enough for them. Its always Take. Take. Take. They never stop fighting to be the one on top. People won’t blink twice about stabbing you in the back if it will benefit them, or make them look better in comparison. In fact some people will deliberately fuck you over just for fun.
While reflecting back on I started thinking about different things that have happened in my life. Some good times and some bad times. I also started remembering different people that have been in and out of my life. Some of the people I only knew for a short time were the most influential people in my life. Some how they managed to impact me the most. I have met some pretty amazing people. I have been pretty fortunate, I have received many blessings and had a lot of good stuff in my life. I would never want those experiences to be different.

Someone once told me that every experience you have had, every choice you have made, has brought you to where you are today. The good and the bad. It is why, you are who you are, today so you should have no regrets.

So we will be ok. How ever this turns out. My family is still my family so I think I’m still pretty damn fortunate.

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