~Routine and change~

  I can’t sleep probably because I was sleeping off and on all day today and yesterday and all week lol. Seems like I either sleep too much or hardly at all. I never seem to get the right amount of sleep.
  I feel like I’m on edge constantly. I have a much shorter fuse than usual. I have been getting angry a lot and stay that way for a lot longer. I don’t have patience at all. I have so many thoughts racing through my mind at all times I get mad when someone starts talking to me and I am unable to obsess on whatever it is I am obsessing about.
     I have unrealistic expectations of my kids and husband.I expect everything to be done the way I want it to be done, when I want it to be done. I feel like if I am not controlling everything and everyone things will start to fall apart. I feel like I can predict the outcome of a situation that I am not in control of and it never turns out good the way I see it. So its better for me to just take control and even do it myself if I want it done right.
    We are attempting a routine at home. Until now a routine was a foreign concept in our house.My husband and I have never been strict about bed time, or any other time for that matter. Our kids were aloud to do pretty much what they want as long as they were getting along.
   This new routine has a set time for everything and an allotted amount of time to do it in. What I mean by everything is…. there is a time to wake up,  get dressed, brush teeth, catch the bus, time to do homework, time to do chores, and a time to go to bed. I have even planed out what time we have meals and how long it should take to eat. I scheduled when the kids bathe, and even when they are able to have free time.

     Having more structure in our lives, a routine? I thought it was simple, and even kind of fun. I would make a list of when and what I wanted everyone to do. All they would be responsible for, is doing what I say. Since I am such a control freak, I loved the thought of getting my family to do what I wanted them to.
   Wrong!! What was I thinking. Its a lot harder to get people who have never had any structure or routine in their lives, Including myself, to commit to any kind of a schedule.  It was fine the first day but come day two everyone was bored with it. Even I have to admit I am not a fan of doing the same thing over and over again. It actually depresses me to know whats coming next.
 I’m not sure why but I like my life to be exciting. I want to let things just happen. I don’t want to know whats coming next.           ( probably my bi-polar self speaking lol ).
  Or maybe I have been living in such chaos for so long, its all I’m used to. Its all I know. Do I actual find comfort in this chaotic, unorganized, way of living???? Yeah.I think I do….  I’m sure that’s been the majority of my problems for a while now lol. I actually have a habit of creating drama or chaos or whatever you want to call it when life is running smoothly.
    I don’t know anymore everything is changing, changing for the better, I know, But its still overwhelming. I’m getting a lot of support from places I didn’t even know existed. I guess its the whole way everything happened that freaks me out. I wasn’t in control. Everything is not going to be as chaotic as I have grown accustomed to.
   I have learned a few things about myself too. I guess what I am trying to say is I need to grow up a little lol. Learn to let things go, and just appreciate all the positive stuff that’s happening.
     This change is not all bad. I do like my kids sleeping in their own rooms and having a regular bedtime. So at the very least I can stick to that but as far as the rest of the schedule goes.. Who knows? My guess is we wont be following it completely, but then again I have been wrong before and I need to stop trying to be in control of everything and everyone. Plus I know I cant accurately predict the outcome of any situation lol

~Letters from me~

My husband has been going through boxes, trying to weed through what we need to keep and what we need to get rid of. Trying to make since of all the stuff we have accumulated over the last 10 years. We are trying to downsize a lot before we move. The less we have, the less it will cost to move. He found some letters I wrote. One to my sister, and one to my dad i was 17 & 18 when I wrote them. My husband and I hooked up when I has 17, I was actually living with him at the time. I vividly remember writing the letters too. I wrote a letter to everyone i knew. I passed out some but these never got delivered for whatever reason. My mom had moved to Springfield, my sister went with. I stayed in Portland with my dad. Growing up my sister was always closer to mom, and I was closer to dad. My mom was sick and my sister has that ” I need to take care of you” personality. Plus my sister was a pretty good kid. She was also the baby and my mom babied her. My mom and I had a rocky relationship. In fact I hated my mom.My mom was a “good kid” she never partied or did drugs, she lost her virginity to the man she thought she was going to marry. My mom didn’t understand me, I think I scared her. My dad partied and did stupid shit growing up. So because I did stupid shit I related to my dad more. She never missed an opportunity to tell me I was just like my dad, and my sister was just like her.I feel like she pushed me towards my dad and my sister towards her. It wasn’t until I had a kid that our relationship changed and for once in my life she was actually a mother to me. I am so grateful that the last few years of her life we got along, so I do have good memories of her. She was an amazing grandma too.
  Anyways I thought I would share the letters so here is what I wrote:

                                                    To my sister:

 I don’t know what mom’s deal is but she acts like she doesn’t care either way if she has a relationship with me or not. She acts like I embarrass her. Fuck, Dad hasn’t always approved of my choices, but at least he accepts that they are my choices. I know if I ever need help I could go to Dad. I’m not sure I could count on Mom being there for me if I fucked up. I have to learn for myself, I don’t think bad stuff happens to everyone, and I cant learn from other peoples mistakes.
I kinda think Mom expects me to be someone I am not. I know you feel Dad wants you to be someone your not. We just need to be ourselves. Fuck what they want. Its our life and we will never be happy if we are constantly trying to impress them.
So when it comes to Dad, don’t listen to everything he says, only take the advice that you think is the best for you. Try being honest with him. Write him a letter if you have to. Don’t worry about how he will react because ultimately you are the only person you need to worry about. I will do the same when it comes to Mom.
 I have been putting off writing her a letter for the longest time.I think I am going to write Mom and Dad both a letter about everything and give it to them after i turn 18. Don’t worry I will let you read them before I give it to them, that way I have your approval.

                                                       To my Dad:

 I’m writing this letter to thank you for being my Dad. I know I was a handful at times, but you never turned your back on me. that means so much to me.I also want to thank you for letting me make my own mistakes and being there when i needed help.
You have always accepted me for me. You allowed me to make my own decisions. I am really happy in life. I even wrote Mom a letter asking her to be a Mom to me. That was really hard. I’m glad I don’t have to ask you to be a Dad. Now I’m 18 years old and responsible for myself. That’s a little scary but it would have been a lot scarier if you weren’t there for me. I just want you to know that I may be a “grown-up” but I still need my Dad.

~Trailer trash and welfare~

Life is pretty good at crapping on me. My husband lost his job in December, about a week or so shy of Christmas. As if loosing our only source of income wasn’t bad enough, throw in all the guilt being broke on Christmas (the one holiday my mom always made a big deal about. as a kid it was the only holiday worth celebrating) gives you. I unknowingly passed the ridiculous value of Christmas on to my kids.
   Talk about feeling like a piece of shit. We have always managed to pull of a decent celebration. This year we were at the mercy of others. Toys for tots presents and a holiday food box from their school. Pretty Lame. In the past w`e have never had a lot of money, but we were still able to get the kids something they asked for. I know people are thinking “its not supposed to be about the presents” I call bullshit its always been about the presents. Especially when your a kid. For months you see nothing but advertisements and hear your friends talk about what they are getting. They still write letters to Santa even though they know there is no Santa. Shit I almost wrote a letter too.
    My kids have put up with a lot. Having this illness, I am not the typical PTA mom. On my bad days I have no involvement with their school. My husband picks up the slack where he can. Doing it all,all the time is tough for anyone. They don’t play sports or have any extra activities, they don’t even go to many birthday party’s and they never invite their friends from school to theirs. All because I would have to follow through They deserve whatever makes them happy. Even if its in the superficial form of Christmas presents.
   Since we have no money coming in, once again we have to barrow rent money and electric money and whatever money from my dads. Just until we were able to get on state assistance. Its disgusting the amount of money we have needed over the years. They are amazing and help us out a lot. It just sucks that once again we   are drowning in debt.
  State assistance is a joke. Yeah they give us a lot of money for food, but the cash portion for a family of five is $728.00. We will have food money but nowhere to cook it lol. Our rent is $775.00, plus utilities. We have to move. Our landlord has been pretty understanding and knows we are going to get a tax refund, so hes OK. I was supposed to pay my dads off but that isn’t going to happen. I still have to talk to them, but I think they already kinda know. We are getting about $5000.00 back and owe them well over $6000.00. We have to pay our landlord and move into a cheaper place.
  My husband has wanted to move back to Portland for a long time. Thats where his family is. I am ok with it because my dads are there and the only reason we moved here in the first place was because my mom was dyeing. She died in 2007. We stayed because my sister and I needed each other. Loosing our mom was rough for both of us. We became “unhealthily” close/dependent on each other. We never lived more than a block apart, worked at the same places, even spent all our off time on the phone or hanging out.
  All of that has changed. Since the stuff with her husband happened, we are deffinatly not as close as we used to be. We go weeks without even talking on the phone. I think it was easier for her to blame me for everything, than it was to hold him accountable, because him being responsible for what happened meant her family would fall apart. Blaming me aloud her to hold on to her family and pretend they are a normal happy couple again. She actually told me she feels like I had more to do with her husband feeling the way he did. Like somehow I lead him on. So whatever. I am ready to leave, and leave all these bad memories behind.
 Not running to my sister for everything has aloud my husband and I to become a lot closer. Our relationship is so much stronger than it used to be. This move could be a really good thing. A way for my family to start over.
     The not so exciting stuff is realistically we need to be able to survive on $728.00 a month. Its the only income we have. Jobs are scarce for everyone. My husband has never had an easy time finding a job.So this means a trailer. Trailer parks rent spaces for as little as $299.00 a month including utilities. I hate the idea of living in a trailer, but I hate the thought of having nowhere to live more. To me trailers represent failure. I see nothing nice about trailer parks. I have talked so much shit about the kind of people that live in them.When my life has sucked before I actually said ” at least I don’t live in a trailer” Like some how it could always be worse. Living in a trailer represented that worse. Kinda funny. Look at me now I am one of those white trash welfare moms about to move into a trailer that I have talked so much shit about.  FML

~Why there was a first time~

I have been struggling for a long time. Nobody knows what its really like. I do a good job of pretending I’m OK. Even if people suspect something is wrong they really have no fucking clue how wrong everything is. I hate talking to people about my “feelings” I don’t go see my doctor or take my meds like I should.
            I have been hospitalized twice in my life and refuse to ever go back. Here is some of my story.
   
                I was separated from my husband for about 3 months and was living with my sister and her family. We decided since I was going to divorce my husband we would rent a big house together. Her husband was a full time student and with us working opposite shifts we would be able to help each other out with day care. She has 2 boys and I have 2 boys and a girl all under the age of 8 at the time. The kids loved it. I was pretty happy with the arrangement too.
                    I always envied my sisters marriage, they were the type of couple who always got along. They supported each other through anything. It was defiantly them against the world. They always celebrated anniversary and each others birthdays. They did the whole date night stuff and made time for each other. Those activity’s did not exist in my marriage.
                     Her husband was somewhat antisocial the whole time I have known him, so since we were all living together I made an extra effort to get to know him. I wanted everyone to get along and be happy. To me the only way this would work is if we were all friends, and honestly I don’t think he was super excited about co-inhabiting in the first place.
        Nothing ever happens the way I think it should. They started fighting, not in front of me a whole lot.  There was constant tension in the air. My sister started getting pissy with me over little things. She seemed a lot more moodier than usual.
          One morning I got up with all the kids made breakfast, since they were both still sleeping I brought them breakfast in bed. Nice huh? Well the next morning she was working and her husband made breakfast for all the kids then brought me breakfast in bed. Shouldn’t have been a big deal considering I did the same thing for them the day before right? Wrong! When she found out she was pissed. I didn’t understand and thought she was over reacting. There was a lot of stuff she was over reacting about lately. She was accusing me and her husband of siding against her?? If we were all having a discussion and him and I happen to agree on something she didn’t, she would be pissed for days. It just didn’t make sense.

  *what nobody knew was my sisters husband told her he was having feeling for other people and I happened to be one of those other people* had I known this things would have been very different.
       
           Her husband started staying up late, sleeping in a room away from her watching all these documentary’s and eventually he started telling us he was a genius. At first I thought he was joking because he has always been really smart and into sciency stuff that I don’t understand but, he wasn’t joking. He seriously believed he had cracked some code that scientist have been trying to figure out for years. This kinda scared us we weren’t sure how to react so we did nothing.
          Eventually he hand writes this 4 page letter  where he said something like he wants to be a husband to both of us and I reminded him of his mom and my sister reminded him of his grandma. I don’t remember it all, none of it made sense.
           WTF? is going on?? I told my sister “hes lost it we need to get him help”. After some lengthy coercion, she was able to convince him he needed to talk to get help. She took him to the E.R. He doesn’t have health insurance, and since he wasn’t suicidal, they sent him away. They said there was nothing they could do for him. I wouldn’t believe it.  I was convinced she was down playing the issue to the doctors and sugar coating things like she has a habit of doing.
                 By this time my mania had kicked in high gear and I was determined to take care of it, despite everyone else’s opinions. I became so fixated on getting help for him that nothing else mattered. I tried taking him to the hospital myself, since nobody else could get him help, I believed I could. While we were there he kept thanking me and telling me my sister didn’t try to get him help that she didn’t care, which just fed my initial thoughts of her sugar coating everything.
          When the psychiatrist came and talked to him I had to leave the room so they could talk with him privately. I don’t know what he was telling them, but it gave me time to give the letter he wrote us, to the nurse. I  told her if the hospital lest him go, I was afraid he would kill himself, even if he wasn’t claiming to be suicidal I told her he was. It didn’t matter they were not going to help, they had to hear it from him. I was furious, and scared, and shocked that someone has to say they are suicidal before they are able to get help. Pretty fucked up system we got.

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