~Much more than Monday~

Come Monday

Come Monday (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

On top of our regularly busy Monday, today has been extra  eventful. We slept through the alarm going off, so the day started out pretty yucky. Everyone was bickering with each other because we had to rush around getting the kids ready and to school. Then we had a surprise visit from our “counselor”. I’m not sure I know his official title, all I do know is, he’s here because someone called the state claiming we were not taking care of our kids and using drugs. The accusations were immediately proven to be wrong.
Since they had come to our house they were now able to assist our family if we needed any assistance. There is a lot of helpful services available that we knew nothing about. You would have to be an idiot to refuse some of these services. We volunteered to have someone come to our house and assist us with making routines, and schedules. Help with getting the kids to do some chores around the house and get them to listen a little more. Our life was begging for some structure.
The “counselor” that has been coming by, typically on Tuesdays and Thursdays, is absolutely wonderful. I wasn’t completely thrilled at first just the thought of someone I don’t know coming in to my home and telling me how to do things better, was a bit intimidating.   It has proven to be a really positive experience for our family.
The “counselor” has this way of suggesting an alternative method to the way you would normally handle a situation, without seeming like he knows better. Even without making you feel bad for the way you have been handling it. He kinda just throws ideas out there and lets you choose what will work best for you. He really has a gift.
My kids are currently all sleeping in their own rooms and they don’t put up too big of a fight when I ask them to help out with some chores. Every one gets along a little better. We don’t want him to leave. We enjoy having him around so much that we talked him in to coming by for an additional 4 more weeks.
While he was here today he asked about my panic attacks, and how often I have them. I told him just about every time I leave the house. I am able to go to the store if we have a specific purpose and I am with someone I know. I have a particularly difficult time with appointments or meetings. It has gotten so bad that my psychiatrist actually dropped me as a patient because I have missed one too many appointments.
I don’t know why it happens. I schedule an appointment with every intention of attending. Many times I have gone to an appointment or meeting, even made it as far as checking in then something changes. I get all panicky and have to leave. Occasionally while driving to an appointment or meeting, before I can even pull in the parking lot I start panicking. I immediately have to turn the car around and go back home.
It has been really difficult because I really want to go to some of these appointments. Like my psychologist. I would not have fucked that up on purpose. I explained to the “counselor” I need to see  someone  regularly and I need to be discussing with someone the effectiveness of my medications.
That is when the “counselor” suggested trying to pull some strings and get me seen where he works quicker. He said they can even come to my house if that is what is needed. So I am pretty excited that I will be able to discuss some stuff with someone soon and start working through some of my issues.

~Public panic~

Anxiety

Anxiety (Photo credit: Rima Xaros)

Well….yesterday I had an appointment at the dhs office. The appointment was for me to meet with someone to discuss whether or not I would qualify for assistance applying for disability benefits (ssi and ssdi).
I developed so much anxiety the few days prior to the appointment. Just knowing it was scheduled caused me anxiety but the closer to the actual date of the appointment it got worse.
In fact the night right before my appointment I couldn’t sleep. My mind wouldn’t shut up. I was up all night. I played out all the possible out comes in my head. Funny thing is, I had no idea, what to expect. I didn’t know what this person was like or What she would be expecting from me? I didn’t know what information they needed from me. I had no way to prepare anything.
Anytime I leave home I have to take Ativan. This day I was rushing around all frazzled and forgot to take it. Especially if I am going somewhere new or somewhere I don’t really like to go. So of all days to forget it just had to be this one.
The DHS office is by far one of my least favorite places to go. Its always packed full of people needing help. You have to wait 20 minutes standing in line just to check in for your appointment. Plus the people working there seem irritated all the time, and never have all the answers.
While I was standing in line more and more people started coming in, it was beginning to get crowded. I started feeling anxious and tried telling my self I would be fine just breathe. When it it was my turn to be helped the guy who I stood 20 minutes in line to talk to just told me he didn’t know how to check people in so I had to get back in line and wait for someone else to help me. When I turned around the lines had doubled in size, I started panicking and had to leave. I told my husband I had to leave. He didn’t understand what was going on and I wasn’t going to talk about it in front of everyone in that office so I left without him, to go sit in the car.
About 15 minutes go by and here comes my husband. He said I had to go back inside. He told the lady I needed to see about my anxiety. So she said if I came back she wouldn’t make me wait in the lobby I could go straight back to her desk. So I did.
She told me it wasn’t nessesary to fill out any more paperwork. She knew I qualified for the help. She said she would personally be the one assisting me and she would be with me every step of the way.
She is a retired nurse, so she knows all about anxiety and how hard it can be. She was extremely nice and wanted me to fill comfortable. She told me that she was going to schedule an appointment to fill out the SSI and SSDI applications and that I could do it over the phone.
She also told me that she could come to my house instead of me having to come to her. Normally it’s not aloud but she said because of my anxiety she would make an exception.

~Shut up head! Its time to sleep~

One of several versions of the painting "...

One of several versions of the painting "The Scream". The National Gallery, Oslo, Norway. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

So I just took an ativan, my little happy pill. I woke up having an anxiety attack. Seriously? I don’t even sleep normally. I’m no stranger to bad dreams. At least once a month my husband has to shake me awake because I am whimpering. In my dream I know I’m dreaming, so I will tell myself to wake up repeatedly and, according to my husband, it ends up sounding like a dying animal.

  Usually After having a bad dream and being shook awake by my startled and concerned husband, I am able to cuddle up next to him and fall back asleep. All I need is him to wrap his arms around me and I sleep the rest of the night without a problem. Oh and I have to cover up my arms. I have come to the conclusion that if I sleep with my arms uncovered and they get cold It will result in me having a bad dream. Every time I have had a bad dream, when I wake up my arms are cold.
   Well this times not my usual. This time is different I cant go back to sleep. No matter what I do, watch TV, read, blog, its not working. My mind wont shut up. My head is full of thoughts. Thoughts that move so fast I cant even make sense of everything. My head is throbbing. I think its causing a migraine.
   Its Monday. The beginning of a new week. Spring break is over and the kids go back to school. I am excited for that lol. I look forward to my quiet mornings when kids are at school. I have an appointment at 1:00 with someone to help me fill out disability paperwork. The Kids and I all have doctors appointments and dentist appointments scheduled this month.
  I have been having major stomach aches and digestion issues too, and I think its a little more than stress causing it. It has been bothering me for a while. I haven’t scheduled an appointment with my doctor to have it checked out. I have convinced myself its because I am too busy tending to more important things. When its actually because I have anxiety so bad I cant even call to schedule a damn appointment for myself.
   Everything scares me lately. I will be posting how everything ends up. For now I need to turn my computer off and lay here with my eyes closed. Eventually I will fall asleep right? I mean that’s what I tell my kids lol.

~Routine and change~

  I can’t sleep probably because I was sleeping off and on all day today and yesterday and all week lol. Seems like I either sleep too much or hardly at all. I never seem to get the right amount of sleep.
  I feel like I’m on edge constantly. I have a much shorter fuse than usual. I have been getting angry a lot and stay that way for a lot longer. I don’t have patience at all. I have so many thoughts racing through my mind at all times I get mad when someone starts talking to me and I am unable to obsess on whatever it is I am obsessing about.
     I have unrealistic expectations of my kids and husband.I expect everything to be done the way I want it to be done, when I want it to be done. I feel like if I am not controlling everything and everyone things will start to fall apart. I feel like I can predict the outcome of a situation that I am not in control of and it never turns out good the way I see it. So its better for me to just take control and even do it myself if I want it done right.
    We are attempting a routine at home. Until now a routine was a foreign concept in our house.My husband and I have never been strict about bed time, or any other time for that matter. Our kids were aloud to do pretty much what they want as long as they were getting along.
   This new routine has a set time for everything and an allotted amount of time to do it in. What I mean by everything is…. there is a time to wake up,  get dressed, brush teeth, catch the bus, time to do homework, time to do chores, and a time to go to bed. I have even planed out what time we have meals and how long it should take to eat. I scheduled when the kids bathe, and even when they are able to have free time.

     Having more structure in our lives, a routine? I thought it was simple, and even kind of fun. I would make a list of when and what I wanted everyone to do. All they would be responsible for, is doing what I say. Since I am such a control freak, I loved the thought of getting my family to do what I wanted them to.
   Wrong!! What was I thinking. Its a lot harder to get people who have never had any structure or routine in their lives, Including myself, to commit to any kind of a schedule.  It was fine the first day but come day two everyone was bored with it. Even I have to admit I am not a fan of doing the same thing over and over again. It actually depresses me to know whats coming next.
 I’m not sure why but I like my life to be exciting. I want to let things just happen. I don’t want to know whats coming next.           ( probably my bi-polar self speaking lol ).
  Or maybe I have been living in such chaos for so long, its all I’m used to. Its all I know. Do I actual find comfort in this chaotic, unorganized, way of living???? Yeah.I think I do….  I’m sure that’s been the majority of my problems for a while now lol. I actually have a habit of creating drama or chaos or whatever you want to call it when life is running smoothly.
    I don’t know anymore everything is changing, changing for the better, I know, But its still overwhelming. I’m getting a lot of support from places I didn’t even know existed. I guess its the whole way everything happened that freaks me out. I wasn’t in control. Everything is not going to be as chaotic as I have grown accustomed to.
   I have learned a few things about myself too. I guess what I am trying to say is I need to grow up a little lol. Learn to let things go, and just appreciate all the positive stuff that’s happening.
     This change is not all bad. I do like my kids sleeping in their own rooms and having a regular bedtime. So at the very least I can stick to that but as far as the rest of the schedule goes.. Who knows? My guess is we wont be following it completely, but then again I have been wrong before and I need to stop trying to be in control of everything and everyone. Plus I know I cant accurately predict the outcome of any situation lol

~Just because~

Posting because its been a while since I posted something. I am pretty bummed out lately. Over all life is pretty damn sucky. I missed my appointment with my psychiatrist to re evaluate my medications. That was the 3rd no call no show appointment so they sent me a letter saying he will no longer see me as a patient. At first I didn’t care because we are moving to Portland and I will have to get a new doctor anyways. Plus my meds are working and I have plenty of them. Well now I am not so sure. I really liked him and have a hard time finding a doctor I like. I don’t know what I’m supposed to do now. I’m so stressed out. I am not looking forward to doctor shopping. I really should have gone to that appointment. I don’t think we are moving. I have been looking for places constantly. It’s either out of our price range or we don’t qualify so I think we might be stuck here. I have not talked to my dads or sister in a while. I’m not intentionally avoiding them it just seems to be how it happens. I am pretty good at pushing people away and even better at isolating myself.

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