~WARNING: I just might and then what???~

You tell me that I have given you reasons to not trust me and that I continue to give you reasons not to trust me. I know I have done shit in the past. Whatever. We agreed to move past that. How long is it really necessary to hate yourself for mistakes you have made in the past? How long is it ok to be judged by others because of them?? Frankly I’m tiered of it. Im so done being the one constantly hurting, and regretting my behavior, and constantly trying to fix shit that shouldnt even be an issue any more.
You are so far from perfect yourself. You seem to forget the fucked up shit you have done to me. How convenient..
I don’t know how much longer I’m realistically going to be able to put up with it. This shit is what pushes me into doing something in the first place. Its been a fucking pattern this whole time and you fail to recognize your part in anything. Maybe in between your nice “buzzed beer drinking nice guy” personality and your Im sober life sucks so im a dick to everyone personality, you can make more if an effort to show a little compassion for someone else. Try to understand what i am going through. God knows I am constantly making excuses for you, constantly justifying your behavior yet you are still convinced that I am doing something wrong. I do bad want to say Fuck you.
Why is it so hard for you to believe that I only want to have sex with you. I am not sleeping with any of your friends. That just because one of your friends looks at me and makes you feel uncomfortable doesn’t mean I’m wanting to fuck him. Only when I get accused of it do I wonder what it would be like if I did. I think if i fuck him then left you and we hooked up I doubt he would treat me like this. Shit part of you is convinced I did it already so maybe I should. I should get some fun out of all the constant accusations. I’m pretty sure he would never tell you and I know I could fuck him it wouldn’t be hard. He’s made his interest known.
I even changed my clothes, even though i felt i shouldn’t have to. You asked me to do I did. I don’t want to give you a reason not to trust me. I put on long baggy shorts and a big t-shirt to make sure I was covered up. That didn’t seem good enough. You still questioned me. It was like because I changed I just confirmed that I shouldn’t have been dressed that way to begin with.

~Much more than Monday~

Come Monday

Come Monday (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

On top of our regularly busy Monday, today has been extra  eventful. We slept through the alarm going off, so the day started out pretty yucky. Everyone was bickering with each other because we had to rush around getting the kids ready and to school. Then we had a surprise visit from our “counselor”. I’m not sure I know his official title, all I do know is, he’s here because someone called the state claiming we were not taking care of our kids and using drugs. The accusations were immediately proven to be wrong.
Since they had come to our house they were now able to assist our family if we needed any assistance. There is a lot of helpful services available that we knew nothing about. You would have to be an idiot to refuse some of these services. We volunteered to have someone come to our house and assist us with making routines, and schedules. Help with getting the kids to do some chores around the house and get them to listen a little more. Our life was begging for some structure.
The “counselor” that has been coming by, typically on Tuesdays and Thursdays, is absolutely wonderful. I wasn’t completely thrilled at first just the thought of someone I don’t know coming in to my home and telling me how to do things better, was a bit intimidating.   It has proven to be a really positive experience for our family.
The “counselor” has this way of suggesting an alternative method to the way you would normally handle a situation, without seeming like he knows better. Even without making you feel bad for the way you have been handling it. He kinda just throws ideas out there and lets you choose what will work best for you. He really has a gift.
My kids are currently all sleeping in their own rooms and they don’t put up too big of a fight when I ask them to help out with some chores. Every one gets along a little better. We don’t want him to leave. We enjoy having him around so much that we talked him in to coming by for an additional 4 more weeks.
While he was here today he asked about my panic attacks, and how often I have them. I told him just about every time I leave the house. I am able to go to the store if we have a specific purpose and I am with someone I know. I have a particularly difficult time with appointments or meetings. It has gotten so bad that my psychiatrist actually dropped me as a patient because I have missed one too many appointments.
I don’t know why it happens. I schedule an appointment with every intention of attending. Many times I have gone to an appointment or meeting, even made it as far as checking in then something changes. I get all panicky and have to leave. Occasionally while driving to an appointment or meeting, before I can even pull in the parking lot I start panicking. I immediately have to turn the car around and go back home.
It has been really difficult because I really want to go to some of these appointments. Like my psychologist. I would not have fucked that up on purpose. I explained to the “counselor” I need to see  someone  regularly and I need to be discussing with someone the effectiveness of my medications.
That is when the “counselor” suggested trying to pull some strings and get me seen where he works quicker. He said they can even come to my house if that is what is needed. So I am pretty excited that I will be able to discuss some stuff with someone soon and start working through some of my issues.

~Reflections and Reality no room for Regrets~

Reflection in water

Reflection in water Photo credit: Wikipedia

When your reality is ripped away by a trauma of some kind, I think it’s a pretty natural reaction to question everything. Questioning the choices you have made, or didn’t make. Questioning the things you have done or didn’t do. Questioning all the people in your life from the past to all of your current friends and family. Your purpose and reason for living become questionable. You try to look for a way it could have been prevented. You just want a reason for life to make since again.
I have been thinking alot about all the choices I have made, and the choices that were made for me. I’m trying to remember, if or when it started to get bad. Was there a specific point in my life maybe even just one choice that could have prevented this outcome if it was done differently?
Looking back, I realize that I have made a lot of poor choices. I started remembering some things I completely forgot about, maybe even intentionally forgot about.
I know ultimately I am responsible for where I am in my life. I continuously go from blaming myself, to looking for the slightest reason I can pin the fault on someone else. I think about removing myself from people’s lives to prevent any more pain. Then I get so mad at everyone. I hate that this is happening to my family and not to someone else’s.
I have never done anything bad enough to deserve this, neither has my husband or kids. I can name quite a few people who would deserve it. Yet I’m the one life chooses to puke on.
I really believed that if life ever got bad, i have enough friends and family that would pitch in and help. I believed that nobody would just stand by watching my life disintegrate, especially when they are more than capable of helping to prevent it. Idk. it might have something to do with the fact that any time my husband hears of someone struggling, and we have the means to help, we do. No hesitations. My husband will give up his last 5$ to help someone out. Over the years we have had so many different people stay with us “until they get on their feet” that i’ve actually lost count. Everyone knows that if they need it our doors are always open.
My husband is too nice to people. He has even told me “It’s good karma, if we ever need help people will be there to return the favor” He is way too trusting. He believes that everyone is ultimately good. Um… Yeah right…
To everyone we know especially to the ones we have helped: If I am wrong where are you hiding?? Do you feel remorse? Guilt ?? Or do you even care at all? Nope. of course not. Not one single fucking person.
We are drowning. You have the ability to help and choose to stand by and watch us struggle. Do you remember you might not be doing so well if we didn’t help you???
I feel like telling everyone if they let this happen, I will never forget that they were not here when we needed them the most. But I’m not sure it would make a difference to anyone. I don’t think they give a shit if they have us in their lives or not.
To think people still question why I would say that I hate people, and why I don’t socialize more. I don’t socialize because throughout life people never miss the chance to show how selfish they are. They are never satisfied and constantly wanting more. Nothing is ever enough for them. Its always Take. Take. Take. They never stop fighting to be the one on top. People won’t blink twice about stabbing you in the back if it will benefit them, or make them look better in comparison. In fact some people will deliberately fuck you over just for fun.
While reflecting back on I started thinking about different things that have happened in my life. Some good times and some bad times. I also started remembering different people that have been in and out of my life. Some of the people I only knew for a short time were the most influential people in my life. Some how they managed to impact me the most. I have met some pretty amazing people. I have been pretty fortunate, I have received many blessings and had a lot of good stuff in my life. I would never want those experiences to be different.

Someone once told me that every experience you have had, every choice you have made, has brought you to where you are today. The good and the bad. It is why, you are who you are, today so you should have no regrets.

So we will be ok. How ever this turns out. My family is still my family so I think I’m still pretty damn fortunate.

~FML~

FMyLife logo

FMyLife logo (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

well we just recieved our 72 hour notice to move if we dont pay $750.00 rent and $50.00 late fee. On top of that he has added a $150.00 notice delivery charge. we knew it was coming. I fucked off what little money we had by  gambleing. We didnt have enough money to pay all the bills that were due. I was just trying to get enough money to cover what we didnt have. I didnt win and while I was playing I knew I was losing but it didnt make a
differance I couldnt stop myself. Fuck my life!
I feel sick.  All the local services that could help are unable to. Its such bull shit. I dont know what to say or do its pointless now. FML
Oh my husband has not drank today, that alone would usually be enough to put him in a bad mood but it hasnt. He is back to being super sweet and we are not fighting kinda strange….. Who could have guessed that such fucked up circumstances could have a positive effect on our marriage.
My husband has been unbelievable trying to reassure me everything is going to work out. Surprisingly he was acting like a grown up this time. He literally had to take my phone from me last night, to prevent me from making anything worse. I was acting like such a spoiled child. I was getting myself all worked up over a text message from my dad that I completely took the wrong way. Then I tried to convince my husband everything was my dads fault for being this way and that my dad should fix everything. Like he hasn’t helped us out a hundred times already. I think my husband just had too much of my bullshit and was done listening to my “poor me” shit any longer. He took control of the situation. Thank god I wasn’t able to make it worse.

~What I put up with..~

emotion icon

emotion icon Photo credit: Łukasz Strachanowski

How can i feel so much frustration towards him and be so in love at the same time. He can be so fucking irritating. Its as if he goes out of his way to annoy me or pick a fight. It’s ridiculous what all I put up with being married to him. Its never too much though because I continue taking it smiling the whole time.
Granted I have been under an unusual amount of stress lately. It hasn’t helped anything knowing that my meds need some serious adjusting.
All things considered, I might be feeling things too intensely. Its possible I am making it worse than it needs to be. I have been having some major mood swings, even I can see that.
Neither one of us know how to handle our current circumstances. I just can’t understand why we have to be at each others throats all the time. Shouldn’t we be a team? Try to work together? Nope. Not us. That would be the right thing to do and we never do things the right way. We have to learn the hard way.
We both have a hard time processing stress. I freak out, get so emotional and have a panic attack resulting in the need for Ativan aka my happy pills. His method to cope is drinking. Whatever he can get to drown out his problems. He wants to be numb and not have to feel any emotion. Showing emotion, to him, is some sort of character defect. It’s the same as telling everyone you are weak. It’s just not acceptable for him.
It didn’t take long for him to revert back to his old self. All his old habits are creeping back around. He went from being so patient and understanding to “I don’t give a shit and your just crazy”
He is back to drinking and trying to lie about it. Like its not completely obvious he’s stumbling around. Not to mention he slurs his words and nods out. Plus you can smell it on him. He insists he has no problem yet still feels the need to lie about it. So why is that?
I hate fighting with him and that seems to be all we ever do anymore. It’s so exhausting. I don’t even know how I’m supposed to react anymore. Everything winds up being my fault anyways. There is no accountability for him.
When did he become the one in control anyways? I used to be the one in control. Or at the very I wasn’t afraid of defending myself.
I used to think I was so much better than him. That no way he could ever get with anyone else. I thought I was the best thing that ever happened to him. I used to tell people I wasn’t afraid of him fucking around regardless of how many times i did it to him. I was the only one dumb enough to sleep with him.
Well he finally had enough if me fucking whoever I wanted while he waited for me to come home. When we broke up this last time he fucked 2 people. Even though I am way Better than the 2 people he slept with. (one of them was a toothless crack head and the other one had the worlds fattest ass. You have to be careful not to get too close or it will suck you in, and nobody would ever see you again.) That showed me huh? Now that he has been with other people I am not so sure of myself.
I’m scared of pissing him off and pushing him away. So now I pretty much do whatever he says. He is becoming quite controlling. He doesn’t like me talking to certain people. He complains I never leave the house then gets mad when I do. He plays it off like he’s looking out for me and just wants to protect me.
Even though he says he trusts me and insists he has forgiven me. His behavior says otherwise. When he drinks enough it’s a whole different story. He holds nothing back. I hear all about how big of a slut I am… And never mind my feelings, according to him all I care about is fucking. He accuses me of wanting to sleep with every guy we know.
He always finds a way of bringing up how I tried to kill myself. He tells me how hard it was for him, how he can’t forget the image of me swallowing all those pulls. He says that the look that I had on my face haunts him. He says that his worst fear is me taking my life.
There are a few major fucked up things that have happened over the years. We remeHe never has any memories of the times he has clearly been in the wrong. We have opposite memories of what happened that day. I distinctly remember him pushing me outside and locking the door telling me I can’t die in his house. When I was in the hospital I wanted nothing more than for him to come comfort me. I needed him and he basically told me to fuck off. According to him he was the concerned husband and he didn’t come to the hospital because he was too scared to see me like that.
Is he just pretending to love me? Is he really afraid I will do something stupid if he actually leaves me?
It makes me wonder if he regrets getting back together and trying to work out our problems. He has told me that he enjoyed his freedom and not having to answer to anyone but himself while we were separated.
Sometimes the way he looks at me or even talks to me, even just the tone of his voice, makes me question his motives for reconciliation in the first place.
No matter what happens. I will never leave him again. I know without a doubt I am in love with him. I want to spend the rest of my life with him. He will have to be the one to end it and the thought of him doing that is absolutely horrifying. You better believe I’m not going out without a fight. FYI: When I want something bad enough I will get it.

~As if life wasn’t bad enough~

Fuck you cards.

Fuck you cards. Photo credit: m.k.

I am amazed at how quickly and efficiently I can fuck things up. This time I really did it though. I managed to fuck up big time!! I don’t know what to do. I am not suicidal I just want to die. For some reason I don’t think dying wold be a sufficient enough punishment. I’m just sooo tired of being me. I don’t want to be this way. I feel like i am being pulled in two directions and I cant fight anymore. I just want to give up. I am even taking my medication this time. So what excuses do I have now???
I am not stupid yet I keep putting myself in stupid situations.  I am scared, and depressed, and pissed off. I am so mad at myself.  We have no way of paying our bills this month Why? because I Spent all of our money on video poker. I don’t know how I thought it was a good Idea to spend our rent money on video poker. I really believed I was going to win, and win BIG! I was going to win enough to cover all of our bills. Looking back on it, I know it was a ridiculous idea. I am constantly saying how stupid people are to gamble and blow their money like that, but at the time I knew I was going to win. Well I didn’t.. I lost and lost BIG!

We are receiving $721.00 cash a month from TANF, and 779.00 in food stamps. This is our only source of income and doesn’t even cover our rent. When we got this months TANF we put gas in the car. Then went to the store and bought Soap, Shampoo, Laundry soap and all the non food items we needed. That left us with about $620.00. Pretty stressfull as is then comes our electric bill $400.00.
I started freaking out trying to come up with a way to pay our bills. Then I remembered that one of the first times I played video poker I won $275.00 off of $5.00. That was it!…… If I played $20.00 I would definitely win enough to cover everything. I had to.
I left my house around 3:00 in the afternoon and headed straight to play some video poker. Once I got there the place was empty. That meant I had my pick of the machines. This must be a good sign right?? I found my favorite game, got myself all situated and began to play.
Just as quickly as I put the $20.00 in the machine, it was gone. This didn’t alarm me I thought maybe it needed to warm up. If I play a little more I will definitely win. In went the next $20.00. I lost it too. I thought if I keep playing It has to pay out soon. So in went another $20.00. Now I was getting nervous but Its too late to stop I have to keep playing until I win. I put in another $20.00, and another, and another….. This continued over and over until all the money was gone. I spent everything.
I just sat there staring at the machine. It was unbelievable. I felt so nauseous, how did I do this? What am I supposed to do now?. I can’t go home and face my family. I cant tell them that I just made everything worse.
At 9:00 pm I felt a tap on my shoulder. It was my husband he asked me how much I spent. I was afraid to tell him the truth so I said I only spent $20.00 and I was winning. He said that I should come home it was a week day and the kids have school in the morning. So I did. I went home with him.I didn’t want to go home. I wanted to run away, just start driving somewhere and never stop. If he hadn’t came and found me I wouldn’t have come home. I’m not sure where I would have gone. I hadn’t figured that part out yet, but I definitely decided I wouldn’t go home.
I have put my family through so much shit already. I am constantly hurting people and my family doesn’t deserve it. They deserve better than me. I am so disgusted with myself. I have no way to fix this. I have exhausted all the local agencies that help out family’s in need. Plus the family members that usually bail me out of my financial fuck ups say they don’t have the money. I’m sure they are tired of fixing all my problems for me anyway. Especially because I always promise to pay it back or say its the last time and it wont happen again. The fucked up part is I really believe it at the time. I don’t want to depend on them to take care of me.
Why do I keep winding up in situations like this? Haven’t I caused enough drama in everyone’s life? When will it stop? I am so depressed I cant leave my room. I want to sleep it all away. I really hate myself right now. I feel so fucking worthless. This time I hurt my kids. How am I going to explain this to them? I cant even think about it without crying. I am afraid to tell my husband. He might really leave me this time. Fuck. I would leave him. I would be so tired of putting up with everything I put him through. I would pack up the kids and leave.

UPDATE:
I told my husband. Hes not leaving me, but hes not happy with me. He actually didn’t say much, he was at a loss of words which is scary considering he is always talking and never shuts up. I would have rather him yell and tell me how stupid I am. I think hes shocked and just doesn’t want to believe it.

~I know me and I’m sorry your stupid~

So my latest “unofficial diagnosis” is, I say unofficial because it was a counselor that told me not my psychiatrist, Post traumatic stress disorder. Seriously? as if being bipolar and having panic attacks and severe anxiety problems including social anxiety disorder wasn’t enough someone had to suggest something else…
  I don’t really think I am that crazy but listening to other people talk you would think I should be locked up at some freak show exhibit. Especially listening to people who have no real information about anything, they just think they know everything.
   I went to my aunts house today to barrow money, because of our crappy financial situation. I have been dreading going out there lately because her daughters, my cousins, get under my skin quicker than anyone. They are some of the most opinionated, loud, bitchy people I have ever met. They really have no clue what its like for someone yet they are so quick to offer up advice.
  I don’t understand why they feel its there place, or even necessary for them to talk sometimes. They have to know their input is not always wanted or appreciated. Right? I don’t know.
    The whole reason I am so worked up, is because when I was out there today I was talking to someone else who has been diagnosed bipolar. We were compairing diagnosis’s and information and when I was asked about my ups and downs associated with being bipolar my cousin blurts out ” she has major ups and downs but she is schizophrenic too, not just bipolar” I looked at her and said ” what are you talking about? I have never been diagnosed schizophrenic” Then she actually started arguing with me like I didn’t know my own diagnosis. WTF? I was soooo pissed. Thank god for ativan and Thank god I’m just crazy because it must really suck being that ignorant.

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