~ Anxious anticipation ~

Anxiety Disorders Association of America

Anxiety Disorders Association of America (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

So today was the day, the day I had my phone appointment to apply for ssi and Ssdi both. They are two differant types of disability benefits. So we will see what happens next. I applied on my own in September 2011 and I was denied, since then I have gotten worse. So this time I have an advocate from the dhs office assigned to me, she will be with me through every step until I receive benefits. So that’s pretty cool. In fact she was the one who set up the phone appointment for me, and said that she can come to me for future appointments. That is such a huge stress reliever, god how I dred appointments or meetings. It didn’t matter what I do or say I have a panic attack every time. It doesn’t happen the same way every time, but it never fails to happen. Sometimes it happens in the car on my way there, sometimes it happens in the waiting room once I arrive, sometimes it happens furring the appointment. I don’t understand why it happens to me. It’s so frustrating. It hasn’t always been this bad. I can remember having anxiety in high school when I was in a new group setting or alone someplace with people I didn’t know. For example: a new class or going to the cafeteria by myself. I remember having severe anxiety whenever I was expected to speak I front of the class. I know a lot of people get nervous before a presentation but what happened to me was so much more than the usual nervousness. Days before my turn to present I would start feeling nauseous and dizzy. When I imagined my self doing the presentation I would start shaking, get short of breath , my heart would beat erratically. I felt flushed and like I was going to pass out. I knew I would pass out, if not have a heart attack if I actually did the presentation so I wouldn’t go to class the days I had to present something.
I know every Job I have ever had the “meetings” whatever they were about or how ever big they were it didn’t make a difference. I panic in them. It’s pretty bad too I start shaking my voice gets quiet and sounds crackly. I have a difficult time getting the right words to come out if my mouth, I will say things all twisted up. Like if I tried saying ” there you go” it might come out as ” you there go” . Plus I start shaking, at times pretty hard too, I remember one time trying to write my name on the sign in sheet, when i finished i looked down at it and it was barely recognizable as a name if any kind. All my shaking caused it to look like a bunch of squiggly lines, not letters. I am convinced everyone thinks something is wrong with me, like I’m retarded, I actually hear people laugh and whisper. I know that it’s about me. I usually get paranoid that my breath stinks so I avoid talking and h
Chew a lot of gum.
Over the years it has gotten worse for me. Now I have been told I have agoraphobia. So my anxiety of social situations has progressed to the point where I am now having an extremely difficult time leaving the house at all. I avoid leaving in fear of having a panic attack.
Anxiously anticipating when I will have a counselor that will be coming to my home, so I can’t panic my way out of the appointments, and can finally start working through some of my issues.

~Public panic~


Anxiety (Photo credit: Rima Xaros)

Well….yesterday I had an appointment at the dhs office. The appointment was for me to meet with someone to discuss whether or not I would qualify for assistance applying for disability benefits (ssi and ssdi).
I developed so much anxiety the few days prior to the appointment. Just knowing it was scheduled caused me anxiety but the closer to the actual date of the appointment it got worse.
In fact the night right before my appointment I couldn’t sleep. My mind wouldn’t shut up. I was up all night. I played out all the possible out comes in my head. Funny thing is, I had no idea, what to expect. I didn’t know what this person was like or What she would be expecting from me? I didn’t know what information they needed from me. I had no way to prepare anything.
Anytime I leave home I have to take Ativan. This day I was rushing around all frazzled and forgot to take it. Especially if I am going somewhere new or somewhere I don’t really like to go. So of all days to forget it just had to be this one.
The DHS office is by far one of my least favorite places to go. Its always packed full of people needing help. You have to wait 20 minutes standing in line just to check in for your appointment. Plus the people working there seem irritated all the time, and never have all the answers.
While I was standing in line more and more people started coming in, it was beginning to get crowded. I started feeling anxious and tried telling my self I would be fine just breathe. When it it was my turn to be helped the guy who I stood 20 minutes in line to talk to just told me he didn’t know how to check people in so I had to get back in line and wait for someone else to help me. When I turned around the lines had doubled in size, I started panicking and had to leave. I told my husband I had to leave. He didn’t understand what was going on and I wasn’t going to talk about it in front of everyone in that office so I left without him, to go sit in the car.
About 15 minutes go by and here comes my husband. He said I had to go back inside. He told the lady I needed to see about my anxiety. So she said if I came back she wouldn’t make me wait in the lobby I could go straight back to her desk. So I did.
She told me it wasn’t nessesary to fill out any more paperwork. She knew I qualified for the help. She said she would personally be the one assisting me and she would be with me every step of the way.
She is a retired nurse, so she knows all about anxiety and how hard it can be. She was extremely nice and wanted me to fill comfortable. She told me that she was going to schedule an appointment to fill out the SSI and SSDI applications and that I could do it over the phone.
She also told me that she could come to my house instead of me having to come to her. Normally it’s not aloud but she said because of my anxiety she would make an exception.

~Am I sick????~

~Just because~

Posting because its been a while since I posted something. I am pretty bummed out lately. Over all life is pretty damn sucky. I missed my appointment with my psychiatrist to re evaluate my medications. That was the 3rd no call no show appointment so they sent me a letter saying he will no longer see me as a patient. At first I didn’t care because we are moving to Portland and I will have to get a new doctor anyways. Plus my meds are working and I have plenty of them. Well now I am not so sure. I really liked him and have a hard time finding a doctor I like. I don’t know what I’m supposed to do now. I’m so stressed out. I am not looking forward to doctor shopping. I really should have gone to that appointment. I don’t think we are moving. I have been looking for places constantly. It’s either out of our price range or we don’t qualify so I think we might be stuck here. I have not talked to my dads or sister in a while. I’m not intentionally avoiding them it just seems to be how it happens. I am pretty good at pushing people away and even better at isolating myself.

~ Ativan, Norco, Marijuana, and trailers?? WTF~

So i am trying to find a place in Portland. Having evictions and bad credit and a very limited income has not made it easy lol. So we decided the most realistic thing would be a trailer. I have no car at the moment. When shitty things happen to me (like my husband loosing his job) its never just one thing. It’s almost impossible to rent s place without seeing it, and I feel like times running out and I need to find a place.
So my sister was going to take her 2 boys to Portland overnight to visit our dads. I tagged along bringing my youngest boy. The car ride there was horrible the boys fought and screamed to the point I had a migraine by the time we got to Portland. Thank god for Norco and Ativan.
Soon after we got there I was ready to go home. I love my dads. I love spending time with them. The kids love “grandpa” and “papa” but there house is not kid friendly. They have a lot of nice shit so it’s kinda scary having the kids run wild. Plus my dad is using medical marijuana so it’s hard to be around him sometimes when he’s stoned. It’s just weird. I remember being 16 getting in the car my dad smelled weed on me and freaked out making me tell him where I got it from. Then he went to that boys house and told him never to sell weed to his daughter again. Needless to say the boy never even talked to me again. So now my dads smoking weed? Whatever. I get it has medicinal purposes and for him it does but it’s still strange.
My husbands cousin was supposed to meet up with me and take me to some trailer park where he knows the maintenance guy. He was hoping he could pull some strings and vouch that we are good people. Well it didn’t happen, my husbands family isn’t always punctual. I was only going to be in town for one day so my sister and I just drive over and looked for ourselves. I was surprised it wasn’t that bad. No furniture in the yard. No guys in wife beaters missing teeth. I expected the worst. I mean its a trailer park after all. It actually looked homey, and this was a “mobile home community” not a trailer park. I didn’t realize there was a difference. Lol
Every time I visit my dad he finds some time to lecture me about something. It never fails. He never sees it as lecturing though. Oh no, its just good old parental advice, maybe just a talk or a tip. No matter how he wants to disguise it, its a lecture.
Usually it’s not bad and I can see his point or end up agreeing with him anyways. This time it wasn’t like that. I didn’t agree. My irritation continued until I got home ending with a fuck u text from me and DONE from him.
He always points out how sick he is it feels like he is trying to guilt me or make me feel worse. Some how I’m responsible for making his sickness worse I don’t know. I don’t understand why it necessary to point out being sick every time we have an upsetting conversation.
First off my sister was there and when ever my sister is around I don’t really try to talk to him. There’s no point. He’s so wrapped up in whatever she’s doing you cant get a word in. I stopped trying. I think part of him feels guilty for not having a closer relationship with her when she was younger. Maybe he’s overcompensating for lost time.
Lately he has his head so far up her ass she can do no wrong. I Was really offended by some of the comments he made to me.
My sisters husband called my sister while we were at dads, telling her that his brother had another break down he asked her not to tell anyone all the details because he doesn’t want people to think that’s going to happen to him too. I told my sister if he really doesn’t want people to think that then maybe he should go to counseling and get some meds. I was pointing out that we don’t think he’s crazy because of his brother, we think he’s crazy because he’s crazy. Scary crazy without treatment.
She got all defensive and said maybe u should go to counseling. I said I do. She said its a problem for her marriage. If thats how she wants it then she shouldn’t bring it up around me, that situation was very traumatic for me. I will always have an opinion that is valid. I was traumatized by him, it’s not something I can just forget. She said well I can’t make him it’s something he has to do for himself. Which I agree with. But if it really concerned him, he would be doing everything he could to better himself.
You don’t freak out the way he did and then all of a sudden your ok for the rest of your life. He’s Fucking nuts. I know because I’m crazy too. But his crazy is scary crazy it fucked up everyone’s life. I lost my home and my relationship thanks to his version of crazy.
One of the things my dad said was he thinks my sister has handled the whole situation well. I said i don’t. He got all mad and said i was delusional about the whole situation. I told him i had my experience, i lived in it i am entitled to feel the way i feel about it. That didn’t go over too well.
My dad has to be right and try to conform you to his side if you disagree. He thinks he has all the information, he’s so much wiser from life experiences. That would be true if he lived down here seen everything and actually had all the information.
You know whats funny is before he felt the need to kiss my sisters ass he told me that i was a victim in that situation. That her husband destroyed people, and that he could forgive my husband before ever forgiving my sisters.
Now his opinion has changed. He’s all accepting of my sisters choices and marriage and back to hating my husband. Well my opinion hasn’t changes and wont until he gets on meds. Its such a big fucking deal for me do be on meds. Well it should be a bigger fucking deal for him.
Oh then my dad said maybe having a job would help him. Sorry dad working doesn’t prevent crazy either.
My dad lives 2 hours away and only knows what we tell him and it’s usually over the phone. I guarantee it’s not everything either. My sister claimed she didn’t leave him because ” he was sick and you just don’t leave someone just because they are sick”.
Bitch ass excuse as far as I’m concerned. She did leave him. You get treatment for your family to come back. Her taking him back has enabled him to not get treatment. Why should he? Its not fun. He has no incentive now.
She cried for weeks about how she doesn’t know how to date, she’s fat, who’s gonna want her. Then she started going and seeing her husband for the day here and there. She just got scared and took him back because she is afraid she would end up alone with two kids.
When someone damages that many people and doesn’t get help, leaving them should be the only option. She just recently started leaving her kids with him again. He scared her too, she doesn’t know what he is capable of. Who knows when he’s gonna snap again. He’s got a pretty thick family history of crazy along with his own version of nuts. It’s only a matter of time.
Everyone that believes he is ok is fucking stupid. I think I might post the emails he sent me so everyone can see why I feel the way I feel.


I have been on my medication for about a week and a half. I have been sleeping a lot. I went to days without getting out of bed and taking a shower not something I am proud of lol but who the fuck reads this shit anyways?? My anxiety is fucking ridiculous I don’t think anyone knows how crazy I am. I walked to albertsons, 2 blocks away,  today by myself which is kinda a big deal because lately I don’t do anything by myself. The whole way there I was looking down because if I looked up I seen people and cars and everything started to get blurry and I thought I was going to pass out. I had to repeat in my head what I was getting at the store “coffee, Pepsi, chicken”. I imagined where everything was in the store and what I would get first. I could only get the things on my list, I had to repeat everything over and over in my head to distract myself from all the people, and everything happening around me.
  I am honestly terrified of going back to the hospital. So freaked out by it that I try to pretend everything is ok. I am really emotional lately. My life kinda sucks. I dont know if its just the crappy circumstances that is my life or if I need differant meds. Maybe the ones I’m on need more time to work.

~Second time~

My sister seems to come to my rescue quite often. Kinda funny considering Im older. She has always been the more responsible one. So when I need to be “mothered” she’s right there mothering. I will blog more about this later lol.
This was no exception I had lost my mind and she was frantically driving me towards a Portland hospital so I don’t kill myself. I don’t think I was really suicidal but If I could have wished myself dead I would have. I was too emotionally battered to have a “plan” or put any real effort into killing myself.
But due to past attempts I think it’s always in people’s minds.
The first hospital sign we came to was about 20 min before Portland. She took that exit and walked me into the Er. I willingly checked in and was being honest with the staff about what was going on and I was ok with everything until I asked if I could have a cigarette and they told me no. My whole attitude changed I was pissed and wanted to leave. But surprise it’s too late you have been put on a 72hr psych hold. You can’t leave. You can’t smoke. You are being transferred to another hospital, in Portland, with an open bed. That is set up for psych patients.
I remember the nurse bringing me a nicotine patch, I ripped it off and threw it. I wanted to shut my door and she said it needed to stay open. I remember slamming it shut every time she opened it. I remember her bringing in a hospital gown and telling me I needed to change. I told her no. She said you have to, we can do it the easy way or the hard way (calling the cops to hold you down as we do it for you) I said fuck that I will change. I yanked the gown from her and she just stood there. I told her “u can leave I said I would change” she said actually I can’t. I said ” you have got to be joking, you have to fucking watch me?” I couldn’t imagine it being anymore humiliating.
Since this hospital was not equipped for psych patients they put you in a room that is all windows directly in front of the nurses station. So they can watch you.
She offered me Ativan. I took it. I was aloud to have it every hour while I was waiting for transport to the other hospital. So I made a scene for it every hour on the hour. How else was I going to survive this?
After what felt like a life time, transport arrived. I was so happy to leave that hospital, and that nurse who I think enjoyed tormenting me. I really didn’t know what to expect next.
  I remember being scared and wanting to go home, and at this time  I still wasn’t sure where home was, and that scared me even more. I arrived at the hospital at.bed time………..more to come

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