Starting over and faith

How exactly am I supposed to start over? Thank god my husband and I are on the same page as far as needing help and willing to do whatever it takes. Our family is all that matters to us. We want our children to have a healthy stable loving home. We want to be the best possible parents. Somehow we lost ourself and forgot what was important to us.
Im trying to stay strong and do things the right way but I’ve made so many mistakes im not convinced I know what the right thing is. My husband is back to being the most amazing man I’ve ever met. I’ve missed him. I am so grateful I have someone who will never stop loving me and who is willing to do whatever needs to be done for our family to be our family again.
I miss my kids so much. Im so sorry I’ve caused so much chaos and hurt to so many people I pray in time everyone can heal and can forgive me.
I need to believe that god knows what’s best for me and I have faith he will show me the way to fix this mess of a life I have been living. I believe every thing happens for a reason, and I am trying to focus on the positive things that have been happening. I am sober, my husband is sober, our relationship is stronger than ever. I am taking my meds and seeing a doctor. My husband had acknowledged the fact that he has been abusive and is willing to go to counseling as well as see a doctor and get on meds. We are going to individual and marriage counseling. We are going to drug and alcohol treatment and attending 12 step meetings.
We are going to get our kids back and when we do pour family will be stronger than ever.

Once again life has gotten complicated lol. I haunt posted for a while because of just how complicated things have become. So here goes… my time to confess, I have been using meth off and on for less than a year. Im in treatment now and asked my sister to care for my children so my husband and I can both get our shit together and be parents again.
I am ridiculously depressed and overwhelmed. My family is split between wanting to help me to not knowing how and honestly I don’t know how either.
I am telling myself I can do it I will get my ids back as long as I stay clean and continue to seek support it will work out it has to.
My kids are my life. I didn’t want to fuck them up they deserve so much that’s why I asked her to step in.

Is sorry enough

Last night was horrible! As dedicated as I am to making my marriage work, no matter what!  Last night I almost gave up. I hate alcohol. I hate what it does to people. I hate who my husband becomes when he drinks. He was an absolute prick. Why should I spend all night crying afraid to fall asleep because the people he was fighting with might come back and he’s passed out drunk?
At 3am I told him I wanted to go to bed, and asked if he would come to bed with me. His response: he was two inches from my face ansld screamed fuck you. Seriously? Wtf
I started shaking and crying and thinking do I really deserve this? Am I that pathetic? Why can’t I just walk away? Will it always be this way? I finally told him he was supposed to be the one I turn to when I feel like this not the one who causes me to feel this way. Then he said he was sorry. Is I’m sorry enough?
Sometimes I think I’m the only one who wants it to work. He claims he’s just as committed to working things out. I am just having a hard time recognizing any effort
on his part. Im obviously still upset about all the drama from last night. I do love him and I know he loves me. I’m just irritated and emotionally exhausted.

Simply not simple

So I seem to be repeating myself a lot lately. What i keep saying is “whats simple for you isnt simplr for me” As frustrating as it is, its kinda funny too. People can’t understand why I have panic attacks and why my anxiety is so dibilitating. Because its not a tangable didability im treated like its not that bad. I have actually had friends tell me to shake it off, ir snap out of it. Everyone expects answers from me and my response is if I knew what the cause was or had any clue on how to fix me, I would be fixing myself LOL.
   I just want everyone to realize that I struggle daily. It is real and so not easy. I’m not giving up I have faith I will get through it. I know I will survive. Some days are harder than others but, the biggest issue for me is, when people have a hard time accepting that what they consider to be a simple task is not a simple task for me. Just making a phone call sometimes is too much. It is what it is…
I found these lyrics on line and thought they summed up my whole mood. ENJOY. 

LYRICS to Its Not Easy

By Five For Fighting

    I can’t stand to fly I’m not that naive I’m just out to find The better part of me

I’m more than a bird…I’m more than a plane More than some pretty face beside a train It’s not easy to be me

Wish that I could cry Fall upon my knees Find a way to lie About a home I’ll never see

It may sound absurd…but don’t be naive Even Heroes have the right to bleed I may be disturbed…but won’t you concede Even Heroes have the right to dream It’s not easy to be me

Up, up and away…away from me It’s all right…You can all sleep sound tonight I’m not crazy…or anything…

I can’t stand to fly I’m not that naive Men weren’t meant to ride With clouds between their knees

I’m only a man in a silly red sheet Digging for kryptonite on this one way street Only a man in a funny red sheet Looking for special things inside of me

It’s not easy to be me.

Dr. Seuss knew all along…

Dr. Seuss Wooden Nickel

Dr. Seuss Wooden Nickel (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

“We are all a little weird and Life’s a little weird..”

 ― Dr. Seuss

“Being crazy isn’t enough.”

― Dr. Seuss

“Why fit in when you were born to stand out?” 

― Dr. Seuss

“Today you are You, that is truer than true. There is no one alive who is Youer than You.” 

― Dr. Seuss

“You’ll miss the best things if you keep your eyes shut.”

― Dr. Seuss

 Signature of Dr. Seuss

                                                                                                                         

 

How wonderful it is, that I am never going to be anything but me. You will never be anything but you. What a blessing. No two people are the same. Life is a collection of moments unique to the individual. Embedded in our memories and kept alive in the memories of others. Our life is real because of our experiences. I am where I am because of where I have been. You are where you are because of  where you have been. Nobody really “fits in”. Everyone is longing for a meaning.

Some of the most talented people were viewed as insane. How boring our existence would be without all the so called “Crazies” The truth is if you dig deep enough, you will discover there is crazy in all of us.

Embrace uncertainties. Welcome the chaos. Learn a lesson. Take a chance and enjoy the ride. Create those everlasting memories. Your life is yours to live, so be yourself and Just live it.

~ You know nothing ~

end of life...!

end of life...! (Photo credit: { pranav })

You are being fooled.

 

Everything is not as it seems.

 

Such a pretty picture that has been painted just for you. You will never know how ugly it really is.

 

You think You know. There is so much you don’t.  All you know is what you have been shown.

 

What happened to happily ever after?

 

I believed.

 

It never existed.

 

There is no way out. Forever stuck. Trapped. A prisoner hidden behind lies.

 

You can scream and cry to be rescued nobody will listen.

 

There are no heroes coming for you.

 

Why wont you see? Why wont you listen? How can you do nothing?

 

I understand its easier to play along.  Its OK.

 

You just continue to pretend you never knew.

 

Its too late now.

 

Time has run out.

This life is ending.

 

~ Not much ~

25042012-000407

So today has been quite a day. A lot has happened, considering I have only been awake for a few hours here and there, I’m not completely sure it all really happened. Lol

I have been sleeping my life away. Nothing abnormal about that. It’s the one guarantee I  got these days…

Well I deleted my Aunt and the rest of the highly destructive family I had off my face book, as well as my husbands and kids profiles. That felt good. A really good friend from my past contacted me via Facebook. It was rally nice hearing from him crazy how much time has gone by and how much has happened in both of our lives. I had so much to say to him IMing on Facebook doesn’t seem to be fast enough for me so  he dowloaded skype just for me Lol.

Seeing him was nice but kinda depressing too. I started remembering all sorts of stuff from back then. Like I got my first tattoo with him. I was a lot more social. I was young and full of life.I was so much happier. I was a completely different person. I was shy but I  wasn’t as scared as I am now. What happened to that person can I get her back?

My husband is signed up with a counselor for meds and to work on his anger issues. He is going to start AA on Monday. He did this all on his own too. Located the places even rode the bus with our youngest on cross town to sign up so I know he is serious about getting help.

What scares me is how he talks about what happened. I feel he fucked up bad. He crossed a line I had no part in that.  He doesnt agree.  My uncle told him if he everputs his hands on me epecially in front of the kids he will have aeal problem. As sweet as that is, myuncle is old and disabled, not really threatning. My husband responded by saying he pushed me and its nobody’s buiness because they don’t have all the facts.

I don’t know why he feels the need to downplay what happened to everyone because when its just us he as no problem saying ” As hard as  I knocked you into the Cabinet you should have a big gash”  lucky for him I don’t bruise easilly. I do have a decent sized bump on my head and from above my right eyebrow to my ear, I am extremely sore.  I can’t even sleep on my right side.

My husbands mother got released from prison and is going go be in a halfway house near us so that’s been anxiety inducing for sure. I guess a lot has been on my mind but that’s all I feel up to sharing for now.

  • Simply Me

  • *********f you like what you see, don't just read it follow along too*********

    Join 96 other followers

  • Free SEO Tools

  • Active Search Results
  • Whats Popular