~ How pathetic I have become ~

 25042012-000043  I am seriously fucking pathetic…………….

I WANT TO RUNAWAY….

I WANT TO HIDE FROM IT ALL……..

What happened to me? I used to be stronger why am I accepting this? Is this love? I am scared to death of being without him. When he holds me I feel loved, I feel protected. He says he loves me and I want to believe him because the though of him not loving me hurts too much. I swore if he did it again I would press charges. I would leave. I didn’t. Why? because he said he was sorry and he loved me and that he’s willing to get help. He’s agreed to go to anger management and counseling. I want to believe him too. It started because I have been sleeping all day,  I am pretty depressed no major reasons it just happens . He can’t understand it, he tries but just can’t. He told me to wake up and do something if I can’t then he said I needed to leave. I said fine I will leave, and asked him to give me my phone so I could text someone to come get me. He said ” fuck your phone” and threw it then proceeded to bust the screen. So I grabbed his tablet ( like an iPad) and ran it under water then threw it on the ground. Then he grabbed me by my neck and slammed my head into the kitchen cabinet, then knocked me on the floor. He then started yelling at me saying this was all my fault that I had caused this.  I sent the kids to the neighbor’s house and he took off. I was shaken up real bad, in complete shock. I didn’t want to believe any of this had just happened. It’s not him. What happened to my super loving supportive husband? What happened to the man I married” As much as I didn’t want to believe what had just happened, I couldn’t. It did. I knew I had to call the cops so I called. They came out took a report and recommended I press charges and get a restraining order first thing in the morning. I agreed. They also said if he comes back don’t argue call 911 ASAP. I promised I would. I called my sister had her come over for some support, she seemed kinda irritated because I have called her to come rescue me several times in the past and nothing ever comes from it. I don’t follow through. Not even an hour after the cops left he was back. He said he came back to turn himself in. He said he was sorry and that he knew he fucked up. We kinda started getting into it outside. He said it was a long time coming, but he shouldn’t have done it. I said ya u did fuck up and you fucked up in front of the kids. Some father you are. Looks like you wont be getting father of the year anytime soon.pretty sure the neighbors heard it they were all standing out side being their normal nosy selves. Then he tried to go upstairs to our apartment so I ran ahead of him and locked the door. The kitchen window was open so he told me fine if that’s the way you want it to be, and I go to jail because of you I will have you killed. He said he would make sure that he let the cops know I was unstable. and have been in the hospital twice. He said I would lose. He also said he would tell the cops I assaulted him first and press charges against me. Even though I didn’t touch him. Whatever scratches he has happened when he attacked me, but since he did have marks I was scared they might believe him. So what do I do? I told him I loved him and never want anything bad to happen to us. I said I want you and our kids. That is all I care about. He said if you really love me don’t press charges. Then he said I have the power to stop this, all I have to do is drop the charges so he  doesnt go to jail and he would go to counseling and anger management. He said he knew he needed help and he’s pretty sure its the alcohol that gets him so angry so he said he would get help with that too. So I told him if he promises to get help I wont press charges. I called 911 to tell them not to send the cops back I wouldn’t press charges. It was too late they were here. They cuffed him and told me to wait upstairs. Then the same officer that took the report came up and talked to me. He said he can’t force me to press charges but he sees this a thousand times. Once a guy puts his hands on a woman he will do it again. I told the officer he agreed to get help and since we have kids together I think I should give him that chance. He said if it goes to court it would be mandatory for him to get help. I said well he has agreed to go so I don’t feel its necessary to go to court. In a very polite and professional manner he pretty much told me I was stupid, and he’s probably right I would tell someone else the same thing. I’m really that afraid of everything.I’m really that afraid of being alone that. I’m willing to believe he can be that one in a million, that will change with some help. I really need some help too! I am so mad at myself. I can’t believe I have such low self-esteem that I really believe this is Ok. That maybe I even deserve it because of all the bad choices I have made· maybe this is my Karma. I have caused so much pain for other people is it now my turn to suffer…..

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10 Comments

  1. I am curious to see if your husband followed through with his promises to change… Would that be proof of his love? Actions are louder and they are very clear, sweetie, he does not love you! Since he has beaten you (or whatever you are calling it) three times (I believe I figured it had happened a few times). Even sticking it out twice and with all you are facing as it is. Who hits a sick person? In front of kids? Who threatens to kill someone? Your batterer has threatened to KILL you, he has attacked you in view of your children, he has laid hands on you multiple times, he lied repeatedly that he would not do it again. Anger management? Well, he broke a phone and you broke a tablet. Sounds like anger management is needed by both of you. BTW you are not doing your children ANY good staying with an angry, violent person like him.

  2. No no, don’t be with someone who hits you. I was with a guy who threatened me once, I said he had to leave and he did (he got deported, actually). If you forgive, they do it again. Be strong, you’re a fantastic person and you can make it without him!

    • He is worth giving a chance. He is the love of my life I can’t just up on him.

  3. Abusers can change, but it’s very rare. I can’t tell you what to do, but no, you DO NOT deserve this. Not at all. He is teaching your children to be abusers. That is the harsh truth. I know you know this, deep down. Think of them. You are right, you do need help and this is not okay. I do care, which is why I am being very honest. If I offend, I am sorry, that is not my intention.

    Most abusers court ordered to anger management do not get anything out of it. They only get something out of it unless they voluntarily go and stick with it.

    You will know an abuser means to change when they seek help by themselves and don’t ask for help doing it, when they go to therapy, when they make the call and they go for the long haul, not just for a few visits.

    Know you are not alone. AT ALL. You are loved. I have been through this, too.

    If he wants help, he will seek it.

    • Thanks for the support, it helps to hear I am not alone this in and people care.

    • Thank you it really is helpful to know I am not alone, that other people have got through similar situations, and that people care. Thank you for your comment. 🙂

  4. Pretty hard to read. Gut wrenching.

  5. Don’t be so hard on yourself. Take a deep breath and remember you can do this. Be strong.

    http://forbehindtheseeyes.wordpress.com/
    Visit sometime, Your Not Alone!


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