~ Craigslist Casual Encounters~

Knowing how wrong it is, excites me. I’m drawn to them, like a moth is drawn to light. I am very good at creating problems, especially when things are going good. Self sabotaging in a way.
I am beginning to realize I have a major problem with sex. Besides the pleasure, sex makes me feel worthy, like I have a purpose. Not just any sex either. I like it best when it feels wrong. I am ok with not using protection and I actually get a rush from taking chances. I was at the health clinic just about every weekend, as a teen, to get the morning after pill.
This, risky behavior, goes all the way back to when I lost my virginity. I was 12, hadn’t even started my period yet, and ran away from home with the sole purpose of loosing my virginity. My best friend at the time introduced me to one of her boyfriends friends over the phone. I talked to him for a few days told him i wanted to loose my virginity and he was all for being my first. He was 21. I remember just laying there not knowing what I was supposed to do. It didn’t hurt, but it didn’t feel good either. I didn’t understand all the hype. After he finished and got off of me, I went outside sat on the stairs and just started crying. Some guy started walking up the stairs I bummed a cigarette off him. He sat with me didn’t ask what was wrong but it was still comforting. So when he said he would keep me company if I came back inside I didn’t hesitate to follow. I don’t remember how it happened but I had sex with him too. Later I found out he was 17 and the brother of the first guy I slept with.
It didn’t get any better after that. Sex became kind of like a competition between my friends. I was always trying to out do somebody. The more extreme, the sluttier, the better. I slept with older men. I slept with my friends boyfriends. I was sneaking out my window, as well as sneaking guys in. The thrill was in the possibility of getting caught.
I hooked up with men off live links, (that was before Craigslist) and told them I was 18. Then after they slept with me I told them my real age. I have had numerous one nighters and slept with guys that didn’t even tell me their name. I had sex in public places, sex in porn booths, churches, stolen cars, even schools, and all before I was 18.
My husband was no exception. I was dating his cousin (my first love) before we hooked up. Before my husband and I hooked up I had sex with his cousin while he laid in bed next to us. I wasn’t really into my husband at first, but he had drugs and when I am high all I want to do is have sex, for hours and hours, until im so exhausted that I can’t move anymore.
I have never been faithful to any guy I dated. I stayed with a guy just until I found someone I liked better. I always cheated, and continued to cheat even after getting married.
I have cheated on my husband 11 times. I always found a way to make it my husbands fault too. He wasnt spending time with me, he drank too much, he didn’t have a job. I looked for anything I could to justify my behavior. I was wrong. There is no justification. I fucked up. Whatever he was doing at the time, he was not responsible for the way i was acting.
I hooked up with guys that I thought were cuter, or guys that had a job, or guys that I felt I had a connection with. I even slept with guys that claimed to be his friend. Nothing ever lasted, and my husband always took me back.
I should no better but once again, I found myself responding, and posting, to casual encounters. Not sure if it’s desperation or boredom. I still find myself wanting something better, something more exiting, something that’s not mine and might not even exist.
I thought I wanted to hook up with someone and got a response from a normal guy. Of all places to meet a decent person lol. He actually gave me some good advice. He made me reevaluate my situation and make a little more since of things. One thing he said that really stuck was “you don’t always have to do something” it was pretty powerful statement. He was absolutely right. I always feel like I have to do something, and that something causes more problems than its worth……

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1 Comment

  1. There are meetings for sexually compulsive/addictive people. If you go to a meeting, you will hear other's with the same story, detail for detail. Are you trying to convince people that you are bad, worthless and non-deserving? It sounds like it to me. Look how bad I am! Is that really serving you any more?


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