~Trailer trash and welfare~

Life is pretty good at crapping on me. My husband lost his job in December, about a week or so shy of Christmas. As if loosing our only source of income wasn’t bad enough, throw in all the guilt being broke on Christmas (the one holiday my mom always made a big deal about. as a kid it was the only holiday worth celebrating) gives you. I unknowingly passed the ridiculous value of Christmas on to my kids.
   Talk about feeling like a piece of shit. We have always managed to pull of a decent celebration. This year we were at the mercy of others. Toys for tots presents and a holiday food box from their school. Pretty Lame. In the past w`e have never had a lot of money, but we were still able to get the kids something they asked for. I know people are thinking “its not supposed to be about the presents” I call bullshit its always been about the presents. Especially when your a kid. For months you see nothing but advertisements and hear your friends talk about what they are getting. They still write letters to Santa even though they know there is no Santa. Shit I almost wrote a letter too.
    My kids have put up with a lot. Having this illness, I am not the typical PTA mom. On my bad days I have no involvement with their school. My husband picks up the slack where he can. Doing it all,all the time is tough for anyone. They don’t play sports or have any extra activities, they don’t even go to many birthday party’s and they never invite their friends from school to theirs. All because I would have to follow through They deserve whatever makes them happy. Even if its in the superficial form of Christmas presents.
   Since we have no money coming in, once again we have to barrow rent money and electric money and whatever money from my dads. Just until we were able to get on state assistance. Its disgusting the amount of money we have needed over the years. They are amazing and help us out a lot. It just sucks that once again we   are drowning in debt.
  State assistance is a joke. Yeah they give us a lot of money for food, but the cash portion for a family of five is $728.00. We will have food money but nowhere to cook it lol. Our rent is $775.00, plus utilities. We have to move. Our landlord has been pretty understanding and knows we are going to get a tax refund, so hes OK. I was supposed to pay my dads off but that isn’t going to happen. I still have to talk to them, but I think they already kinda know. We are getting about $5000.00 back and owe them well over $6000.00. We have to pay our landlord and move into a cheaper place.
  My husband has wanted to move back to Portland for a long time. Thats where his family is. I am ok with it because my dads are there and the only reason we moved here in the first place was because my mom was dyeing. She died in 2007. We stayed because my sister and I needed each other. Loosing our mom was rough for both of us. We became “unhealthily” close/dependent on each other. We never lived more than a block apart, worked at the same places, even spent all our off time on the phone or hanging out.
  All of that has changed. Since the stuff with her husband happened, we are deffinatly not as close as we used to be. We go weeks without even talking on the phone. I think it was easier for her to blame me for everything, than it was to hold him accountable, because him being responsible for what happened meant her family would fall apart. Blaming me aloud her to hold on to her family and pretend they are a normal happy couple again. She actually told me she feels like I had more to do with her husband feeling the way he did. Like somehow I lead him on. So whatever. I am ready to leave, and leave all these bad memories behind.
 Not running to my sister for everything has aloud my husband and I to become a lot closer. Our relationship is so much stronger than it used to be. This move could be a really good thing. A way for my family to start over.
     The not so exciting stuff is realistically we need to be able to survive on $728.00 a month. Its the only income we have. Jobs are scarce for everyone. My husband has never had an easy time finding a job.So this means a trailer. Trailer parks rent spaces for as little as $299.00 a month including utilities. I hate the idea of living in a trailer, but I hate the thought of having nowhere to live more. To me trailers represent failure. I see nothing nice about trailer parks. I have talked so much shit about the kind of people that live in them.When my life has sucked before I actually said ” at least I don’t live in a trailer” Like some how it could always be worse. Living in a trailer represented that worse. Kinda funny. Look at me now I am one of those white trash welfare moms about to move into a trailer that I have talked so much shit about.  FML

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1 Comment

  1. Hey! Some trailers are really nice and have pools, playgrounds and other amenities cause it is shitty to live in a house with wheels. LOL Joking! My grandma lives in a trailer in Gresham and it is a HOME. A HOME is where the people you love live with you, right? My mom is bipolar and she was very close to her sister, too. people always mistook them for twins. Then they got into a huge fight and havent spoken for probably 20 years. She started drinking about that time too. Whenever she would get really shit faced she would cry about missing her sister or how lonely she was. I always asked her why she didn't call my aunt and apologize. My mom was very sad almost always and I felt I had to take care of her even as a child. It's a huge burden for a kid. It's traumatizing and anxiety provoking. Maybe that's what sisters are for? I don't know, I was an only child. Burdening a child? That's reason enough to g'head and take the suggestions of whoever is suggesting whatever, right? I hope you and your sister work it out. I hope you don't experience what my mom did.


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