~Relationships~

I know my Illness is putting a lot of strain on my relationships with family and friends. My husband gets it the worst. He is around me all the time and never gets a break he has to witness all my ups and downs and everything in between. I have done some really fucked up stuff to him and I kind of believe I was trying to push him away. Part of me has always felt like I don’t deserve to have be happy, or I am not capable of pleasing others. Even as a kid I was a fuck up. I ran away, did drugs, stole shit, lied whatever. I was constantly doing shit to disappoint my parents. I have cheated on him so many times. I have been with 11 guys in the 10 years we have been married. I wasn’t even sure if my youngest son was his. He never cheated on me and was always waiting for me to get my head out of my ass and come back to him. He is not perfect either, he is an alcoholic. The more stressful our life is the more he drinks. My mother had a “friend” that lived with us for along time when I was a kid, he was an alcoholic and all the memory’s I have about him are bad. One fucked up memory after another. My husband scares me when he drinks. If we start fighting he gets so angry he looks like he is going to explode. There is no rationalizing with him, he is right I am wrong and I am a piece of shit. Then in the morning when he realizes what he did he apologizes. He has only hit me once. My oldest son was about 2 years old, he was sitting in my lap, out of nowhere he threw his sippy cup at the back of his dads head. My husband jumped up and started coming towards us yelling at my son. I thought he was going to kill him. I remember telling him “wait wait it was me, I threw it.” He pulled his arm back and hit me in the face, hard enough to knock the breath out of me. I remember thinking what the fuck just happened and crying. I never told anyone and we don’t ever talk about it either. He apologized, and has never done anything that bad since.

Lately he has been screaming and throwing stuff, he threw a glass mirror across the room when we were arguing I thought for sure it was coming for me, but it hit the floor and shattered everywhere. He started kicking shit in the kitchen and broke a bunch of glass. He threw a lamp in the bathroom shattering glass all over the floor. I just freeze he scares the shit out of me when he acts like that I don’t know what to do. He imediatly apologizes he knows he is over reacting and promises he would never hit me again but when he gets that mad its like he is a different person I don’t think he can control it. 
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2 Comments

  1. kinda weird that you'd marry a drunk since you were raised with one. But it's not a surprise, really. that's what we do. repeat the past until we get it right. i hope u can stop repeating your past before it hurts your son any more than it undoubtedly already has. spiritual beings having a human experience. human be-ings not human do-ings. hey u & ur husband sound like ur relationship has changed or turned a corner somehow. does that mean he is going to get help for his alcohol abuse or is he going to continue scaring you and ur son? btw there are 12 step groups for all the "issues" u, he and ur whole family have! its a family disease. this blog/journal is therapeutic and not self-abusing? i hope all of u seek the advise of a profesional. u have talked about a lot of serious issues and altho ur readers can b helpful, please take advantage of the help that is available in portland. a city that size would have many resources that are prolly a google away! good luck. peace.

  2. Violence is never OK. Violence against women and children is the worst type of cowardice. There are agencies and people who can help you escape an abusive spouse! That shit's bad on the kids. I was raised by a mean ass drunk who beat me not my mom.It has taken YEARS for me to be comfortable in my own skin as they say. I could not have done it without professional help, therapies, meetings of every kind. I just threw myself into the recovery world. It has been quite a journey. I was able to let go of much of the trauma of childhood and I feel good about me. I feel real freedom from constant negative conversations for one. You are at the gateway of your recovery if you stick it out. Theres a pop song I hear on the radio alot that says: ya gotta keep your head up and you can let your hair down…That's how I talk to myself today! I hope you find your way on your journey.


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